This question has been pulled from one of our earlier podcasts, and it is with thanks to my son, Sage, for antagonising the goose and bringing it about!
While on a trip to an animal farm, I heard a sudden, high pitched screaming that I recognised to come from my son. At this moment, he came bolting around the corner, snot and tears streaming down a terrified little face.
He had become too bold with a flock of geese and tried to chase them…of course causing them to turn around and chase him back!
It makes us think though; what might we be doing that could be antagonising others around us?
If we can practice some awareness towards the reactions of others, we might be able to understand and respond, most appropriately to them.
There’s some simple principles to remember:
* we succeed with and through people.
* Happiness in relationships is more likely an outcome of networks that have been built with a foundation of awareness and connection.
We can probably all agree that a draining relationship can easily be spotted when you are the outsider, looking at the interactions between two people. But as the insider, it can actually be pretty hard to spot those moments where you’re antagonising another.
When the antagonising begins, so does the eroding of the relationship.
Here’s some examples of how we might be bringing out the goose in others:
- Playing the role of parent (controlling) , or child (aggressive or irrational). Instead of approaching another on a mutual adult-to-adult basis.
- Interruption; we don’t realize how often it’s done! When we interrupt someone, they can be made to feel like their voice is irrelevant. Or they might just think you’re seriously rude.
- The words “you’re always”… those words are so unrealistic. And the problem is that it’s not true; it can’t be ALWAYS. And it makes another feel like they’re being judged, unfairly, and that the good side of the situation is totally overlooked.
- Minimising Feelings; all too often, we seem to dismiss emotions as if they’re a bad thing. Susan David says, “Feelings are neither bad, nor good. They are simply feelings. And negative feelings have as much to tell us as positive, lovely feelings.” When we avoid them, we could bring that quacking goose out of someone.
- Solving their problems; Sometimes somebody just wants to be heard. They don’t want to be told what they’re doing wrong or should be doing better. There’s this basic need for our lives to be simply witnessed. Instead of solving a problem, practice walking next to another through it.
- Letting it go on too long; we all like a good joke, but when it’s the wrong time or place, it can really upset the person being poked at. It’s also never fun for them if it goes on for longer than it should. This is the case in other situations too, like bringing up a past mistake over and over again.
A side thought is placed here by William James who says, “Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook”.
Know what it is that you should overlook. Sometimes we pick on very small things within another’s behaviour that overshadows the best parts of them that add value.
Let’s be wise, and don’t antagonise! Always be the adult, and choose to see the beauty in another. Strive to bring it out every time you possibly can.