Category: News

Categories
News

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year

We’re reaching that time of year where many of us take a step back and ask the same question: “Was this a good year?” But how do you measure a good year – and should you even try? 

The Obsession with Measuring Success

Conventional wisdom tells us that what gets measured gets managed. It’s the mantra of productivity, leadership, and self-improvement.
We track performance, set KPIs, measure progress – all in the name of growth.

And yes, measuring can be motivating. Seeing progress can inspire action and build momentum.

But measurement also has its shadows.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year

Not Everything Worth Measuring Can Be Measured

In leadership and life, some of the most meaningful things resist measurement.

Intelligence:

We often reduce intelligence to a test score. But as Sir Ken Robinson said, we shouldn’t ask “how intelligent are you?” but rather “how are you intelligent?” True intelligence wears many faces – creative, emotional, entrepreneurial — and no single test captures it all.

Wealth:

Money is a poor proxy for richness. Some of the wealthiest people live in quiet misery, while others with little lead rich, free lives. “Rich” might just be who you are, not what you have.

Achievement:

Booker T. Washington once wrote: “Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life, as by the obstacles overcome while trying to succeed.” The best achievers aren’t always at the top — they’re the ones who’ve travelled the furthest.

Personality:

As someone accredited in personality profiling, I know how valuable these tools can be. But I also know their limits. As Marcus Buckingham says, “There are galaxies inside of us.” No profile can capture a person’s entire universe.

The Best Measures Are Often Intuitive, Not Quantifiable

After many years of facilitation, I’ve developed a love-hate relationship with feedback forms.

The love part? Insights can help you grow.

The hate part? Even flattering feedback can feel hollow if it misses the essence of the experience.

My truest measure comes from within:

  • Did I try something new, even if it failed?
  • Did I see eyes light up with recognition?
  • Did I tell a story that landed deeply?

That’s the feedback that matters.

As I told a friend recently: “If you think you slept well, who cares what your watch says?”

The Trap of Comparison

One of the greatest flaws in how society measures what a ‘good year’ is, is that we often think we need to compare ourselves to others.

But growth and position are not the same thing. You can win and not grow. Or come last and grow immensely.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year

Rethinking What Makes a Good Year

So, how do you know if you’ve had a good year?

Traditional ways to measure a good year might look like this:

  • Did I make money?
  • Did I meet my goals?
  • Did I win?

But you can tick every box and still feel flat.

Try measuring your year’s success differently. Ask yourself instead:

  • Did I grow in wisdom?
  • Did I change my mind about something?
  • Did I connect with wonder — the moon, the stars, the rain?
  • Did I show kindness?
  • Did I make myself a little uncomfortable in pursuit of something worthwhile?
Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year

The Real Measure of Success

A lot of the tools we use to measure the success of our year are powerful, but incomplete if used on their own.

Balance your scorecard with what can’t be quantified: curiosity, kindness, awe, and joy.

In the end, I personally don’t want to live my life as a set of accounts or performance reviews. I want to live it as a blend of measurable progress and unmeasurable joy. That’s the kind of year I want to have – and the kind worth striving for.

If This Reflection Resonates With You…

Book a CAFE Life workshop where we explore the art of reflection, resilience, and leadership that goes beyond the scoreboard.

These sessions create space to pause, reconnect, and redefine what success means for you and your team.

Find out more or book your team session here.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Expressive Writing For Business: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive

Expressive Writing: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive
Expressive Writing: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive
“I never wrote things down to remember; I wrote things down to forget.”
Matthew McConaughy

Exciting news! Mandy and I are deep in the creative process of writing our next book: Tunnel Vision. It’s an incredible true story about healing, sight and how all of us, in some form or another, experience the limitations of tunnel vision. It’s been such a beautiful, expressive writing process for both of us. Watch this space.

But there is something magical about the creative process. That feeling of being completely absorbed and captivated by it becomes truly satisfying – and delightfully addictive. It’s like medicine for the soul. It gets me wondering whether the world’s level of anxiety and overwhelm would reduce if we simply spent more time in a creative space. 

Unfortunately, thanks to the rapid scale of technological advances, I think we’re becoming less creative. Sure, there are many benefits to AI, and it’s essential that we learn to dance with it. Yet I can’t help but worry that we’re running the risk of giving up our creative birthright: to think, to play with words, to be “in the sandbox”, messing around with our internal thoughts. When was the last time you wrote something for the public eye without using AI?

Expressive Writing: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive

We can’t let this essential part of human nature fade; there are too many reasons we need creativity. And too many reasons we need writing, in particular. The benefits of writing your thoughts out (whether by pen or keyboard) range far and wide:

  1. It supports closure.
  2. It names things and makes them visible – feel to heal.
  3. It’s a form of self-disclosure (and the benefits of disclosure are immense, from blood pressure to heart rate).
  4. It helps to create the next step. 

The Social Experiment That Proved Just How Powerful Expressive Writing Is

Texas University Professor James Pennebaker is famed for his work on journaling and writing things down. In one experiment, one hundred engineers were being retrenched from an IT organisation in Dallas. These guys were mainly older men who had obvious fears about the future. 

A third of the men were put into a group and told to write in a transactional, safe-natured way. Another third was taught and encouraged to do vulnerable, heartfelt, expressive writing. They were encouraged to share in their daily papers their emotions, sense of disappointment and betrayal, embarrassment and so forth.  The other third was given no instruction. Three months later, those who had started the practice of vulnerable, uncensored writing were three times more likely to have been reemployed.

Writing is not only a means of communication, but also helps us to process things. Fill in the gaps. Comprehend in a different way.

 

If You Want To Write for Well-Being, Start Here

Expressive Writing: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive

Edith Eger, author of the memoir, ‘The Choice, ’ shares two beautiful inside-out practices that support wholeness.

Practice 1
Write down on a piece of paper one thing you have not said to someone in your family that you need to say. It could be small or it could be large. You get one sentence. The only rule is that it needs to be something you have never said out loud. What you do with it afterwards is totally up to you. 

Practice 2
Write down all the things you put into other people (or contribute), like the things you nurture in others. See yourself putting them into all the inner compartments of your own body.  Be mindful and feel. 

Both these practices take inner feelings and make them visible by seeing them on a piece of paper or a screen. They are visible externally, rather than internal feelings. That is the power of expression.



Get Comfortable with ‘Stormy First Drafts’

Brene Brown takes us even deeper into this concept when she talks about stormy first drafts. When something ticks you off, write about it, uncensored. Don’t hold back; it’s for your eyes. Put it aside for a while and then go back and now write the second draft. The first draft allows you to see things more objectively. You may notice things like an overreaction, or maybe a hot-headed righteousness, or a pattern of what triggers you. The important word here is ‘see’ – literally. Now you might need to go through a process of refining a couple versions before you act.

Writing moves us away from suppression being our default response (pretty much never a good idea). Things don’t go away because they’re suppressed; they just sit there. Growing. Festering.

Expressive Writing: How Creativity Helps Us Thrive

Don’t Forget The Power Of Creative Expression

I love this line of thought by Cathleen O Conner, who talks about lament and how important it is that we do express. She says,

"Lamentations name what is wrong, what is out of order in God's world, what keeps human beings from thriving in all of their creative potential. Simple acts of expression expose these conditions, name them, open them to grief and anger and make them visible for remedy."

And so I suppose I am writing this, because as mentioned Mandy and I are doing this very act right now, and I am once again being reminded of the power of creative expression, and expressive writing in particular. Let’s end with a couple of encouragements.

 

  1. Don’t let any technology replace your expression
  2. Never stop playing with words, ideas and images – find the child in you
  3. Name to tame – give your feelings words
  4. Start a daily 5-minute journal practice
  5. Become comfortable with sloppy raw writing – these are most often for your eyes

 
We are creative beings. It’s the reason our world has advanced this far – let’s not let that very advancement make us forget to create and express.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Clarity Is Key: Building High-Performing, Aligned Teams

Clarity Is Key: Building High-Performing, Aligned Teams
Clarity Is Key: Building High-Performing, Aligned Teams

One of the most overlooked skills in leadership is creating clarity in high-performing teams.
What does this mean? That, generally speaking, misunderstanding and miscommunication are probably more common in your team than you’d like. And we get it – it’s so normal to have differing perspectives and interpretations. The real question is, does your team intentionally pay attention towards aligning in clarity? 

Because if you confuse, you lose.

Clarity in leadership communication isn’t just about what’s said; it’s also about what’s understood and remembered. There’s a simple yet powerful way to test any team for this:

– Ask each team member to write down what they believe are the five most important core messages of the team.

– Take the answers and test them for alignment, in both content and emotion.

I do this test within my team facilitations all the time, and if I’m honest, the results can be frightening.

What’s So Important About Clarity In High-Performing Teams?

The most effective team alignment means everybody is on the same page and sees the same thing. It means we are pursuing the same opportunity and are united against the same foe. It means we have the same game plan, where each understands their contribution and objective. It means we have an understanding of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. And if we don’t have this, it all falls apart. 

This means there should be complete alignment within your team on:

  •       Why we exist  (Purpose)
  •       What our alternate future looks like (Vision)
  •       How we will win  (Strategy)
  •       How we behave (Workplace culture)
  •       What we actually do (Mission)
  •       What each individual’s role is  (Goals)

Google’s Project Aristotle identified clarity as a cornerstone of high-performing teams for a reason. But here’s the thing about clarity: you don’t achieve it by simply defining it. Most organisations I know have defined their core messages, often very professionally. And yet when you talk to their people, from top to bottom, confusion or misalignment exists. Why?

Clarity Is Key: Building High-Performing, Aligned Teams

How To Communicate Core Messages Effectively?

“There are countless ways to make a point. But making a point isn’t the same thing as making a difference. To make a difference, we need the practical empathy to realise that the other person doesn’t know what you know, doesn’t believe what you believe and might not want what you want. When we make a point, we reject all of this. When we make a point, we establish our power in one way or another, but we probably don’t change very much. Change comes about when the story the other person tells themselves begins to change. If all you do is make a point, you’ve handed them a story about yourself. When you make a change, you’ve helped them embrace a new story about themselves.”
Seth Godin

Providing clarity in the work place isn’t about making a point; it’s about making a difference. It enables people to see things in fresh new ways, because it makes them confident in where they stand and what the mission is.
The only way to create this is to engage, facilitate, and repeat through team culture-focused activities.

Clarity in high performing teams is not an outcome of what people have been told it’s an outcome of what people feel and believe. If you want to improve team alignment, start by checking how well your people understand the purpose, vision, and strategy.

Start Creating Clarity With These 7 Steps

Clarity Is Key: Building High-Performing, Aligned Teams

Change expert John Kotter found that leaders often communicate change far less than they think, sometimes by a factor of ten. In one study, executives spoke over 2.3 million words in three months, but only 13,400 of them referred to the change that they were navigating. The message existed on paper, but it wasn’t being activated in practice. Clarity is therefore both definition and activation.

 

So how do we activate? Here are a couple of thoughts.

 

  1.       Start every meeting by reminding people of your core messages. Be like a pilot, who begins each flight reminding the passengers of basic yet essential data, like our flight’s duration and end destination.
  1.     Be Emotive – use storytelling. Be like a novelist, create stories and images around your core messages. Include feelings in your messages.
    P.S. Want to know how to tell a great story? We have a workshop on that. Reach out to learn more.
  1.     Identify influencers who validate your core messages. Be strategically inclusive. If you are the only one saying something, people might deflect. But if others are saying it too, it’s hard to ignore.
  1.     Use humour & playfulness to make messages memorable. Be childlike – introduce playfulness. From a crossword puzzle to creating artwork, to playing a game – the ideas are infinite.
    P.S. We have a workshop on that too, grounded in our published book, Playfully Engaged.
  1.     Create an anchoring open question for a core message. We tend to stop thinking about anything that is concluded. An open repeatable power question keeps the mind engaged. For example, link a core message of growth to a question like, ‘How do we grow this market?’.
  1.     Use the power of “playback” for messages to be internalised. The term ‘abracadabra’ means ‘I create as I speak.’ There is something powerful in people speaking the truth.’ Don’t just tell – ask people to “play back” in their own words the core messages. This supports clarity and enables accountability.
  1.     Share the next practical step of the core message. Motion creates belief. Steady and stuck creates cynicism. Link your core messages to practical steps, no matter how small these next actionable steps might be. Complete this sentence. ‘The next best step for this core belief is….?

In a world where paradox, tension, and ambiguity cannot be avoided, enable your people to engage the uncertainty from a place of certainty – the clarity of your core messages.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

What’s Holding Your Team Back from Becoming Future Fit?

What’s Holding Your Team Back from Becoming Future Fit?
What’s Holding Your Team Back from Becoming Future Fit?

A look at why one key characteristic consistently ranks last – and why that needs to change.

Over the years of working with organisations to develop high performing teams, I’ve come to expect a curious pattern. Our process focuses on seven key characteristics of high performing teams, each grounded in world-class research and real-world experience. Toward the end of the workshop, leaders are asked to rank these characteristics, strongest to weakest, using tangible cards.

It’s always a revealing exercise. Ranking forces clarity. It pushes us beyond the default, surface-level thinking and gets people to really consider where their team stands. But what’s most striking is the card that consistently lands in seventh place… the bottom of the pile.

Want to guess what it is?

It’s being future fit.



What’s Holding Your Team Back from Becoming Future Fit?

Why Being Future Fit Matters More Than Ever

To be a sustainable high performing team in today’s world, future fitness isn’t optional. In the past, this mindset and characteristic would have been less essential.  Yes, change has always been present. But not at the pace and complexity we’re seeing today. Now, with exponential advancements in technologies across every sector, our ability to adapt – to become truly future-ready – can make or break a team’s success

And yet, it’s the area we consistently neglect.

You might push back. You might say, “But we are focused on the future.” And you’re probably right. To an extent. Most organisations I work with have clear goals, aspirations, and even five-year strategies in place. But here’s the key distinction: future focus is not the same as future fitness.

It’s one thing to articulate your company vision. It’s another to cultivate the mindset, capacity, and resilience required to thrive in that future.

Think of retirement. It’s one thing to save the money. It’s another to have the health to enjoy it.



So, What Does It Mean to Be Future Fit?

What’s Holding Your Team Back from Becoming Future Fit?

Being future fit requires a shift in mindset. Sometimes a complete rewire – other times, just a more intentional focus. It means asking braver questions, reframing how we work, and reimagining what truly matters.

Here are a few foundational mindsets we encourage organisations to build:

1. Tomorrow won’t look like today.

It seems obvious, right? But as Bridgewater founder Ray Dalio notes, “We often incorrectly assume a future that is just slightly different from the present.”

We think of the future as just the next upgrade. But the real future often brings disruption – entire industries reinvented, sometimes overnight. We need to get comfortable with the idea of dancing with the big changes. 

Action: Facilitate future-focused conversations in your organisation. Frame them around curiosity, not fear.

2. Elevate the ‘important, not urgent’.

Most corporate environments are wired for short-termism: month-ends, quarter-ends, results now. And while this is necessary, being future-ready means carving out space for what matters long-term – like capabilities, mindset, and growth.

Ask the hard questions:

  • What current skill of mine will be obsolete in five years?

     

  • What process that serves us well today won’t serve us tomorrow?

     

  • How are we exploring new technologies like AI, robotics, quantum computing, or digital biology?

     

Action: Make space for conversations around exponential change. Let curiosity drive imagination.

3. Anchor your team in a worthy cause.

Simon Sinek calls it playing the ‘infinite game’, where the goal isn’t just to win but to matter. Project Aristotle, Google’s deep dive into high performing teams, found that impact and meaning are core drivers of engagement.

When the journey gets hard (and it will), knowing your work matters gives people the resilience to keep going.

As Carl Elsner, CEO of Victorinox, puts it:
 “We do not think in quarters. We think in generations.”

Action: Facilitate conversations that define your organisation’s long-term contribution. Why does your work matter 10 years from now?

4. Teach resilience like it’s a skill – because it is.

At CAFE Life, we created a resource during COVID called Resilience in a Box. It was originally for ourselves, an attempt to distill the mindset and practices needed to face adversity.

What we learned is that resilience is deeply practical. It’s teachable. And it’s a crucial part of being future fit. This product is now available for purchase and has helped many teams discover how to be resilient, change ready and future fit. 

As psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi wrote:
 “No trait is more useful or more essential for survival – and for improving the quality of life – than the ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.”

Action: Invest in resilience training. Build habits that help your people face change with strength, not fear.

Final Thought

Future fitness is not just a characteristic, it’s a capability. And if your team consistently ranks it last, it’s worth asking: what’s it costing us?

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about preparation.
 Not about knowing the future, but being ready to meet it.

Worried that your team isn't future fit?

We run a Future Fit Process designed to build these mindsets in practical, meaningful ways. If you’d like to find out more, reach out. We'd love to talk.

Get in touch
Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

The Path Of Excellence

The Path Of Excellence
The Path Of Excellence

“What’s your word for the year?”

 A friend asked me this with real conviction back in January.

I hadn’t given it much thought, but as we spoke, one word quietly surfaced: excellence.

It was a surprising choice. For years, I’d avoided the word — it carried with it a weight of past experience. As a young youth pastor, “excellence” was often used like a whip;  a tool of control, wrapped in performance. It was about compliance, not calling.

But over time, my view shifted. And now, excellence holds a very different meaning for me — one I carry forward with purpose.

“When you see someone do something with excellence, there is always love in it.”
— Marcus Buckingham

Excellence, I’ve come to believe, is internal — not external. It’s driven by the heart, not by fear, pressure, or reward.

You can do something well because of external motivation. But to be on a path of excellence is different. It’s about the desire to get better and better at something that truly matters.

That pursuit often comes with pain. But it also leads somewhere beautiful: to growth, and ultimately, to mastery.

The Path Of Excellence

Why Excellence Is a Journey, Not an Outcome

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi once said:

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times. The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.”

Excellence is never found on the easy path. It shows up in effort. In stretch. In the daily choice to commit to something worthwhile.

And that’s how I want to show up in 2026 – aligned with that same energy.

 

Where Does Your Excellence Live?

This isn’t a vague journey. Excellence is something we name and pursue with intention.

For me, part of that pursuit is in the workshops I run. I care deeply about how they land, how people experience them, and how I can keep refining the experience.

Every session ends with a personal debrief. I sit with the question: “How do I do this better next time?”

That doesn’t mean every workshop is better than the last. Because here’s the key: Excellence isn’t perfection.

It’s a way of showing up and being.

I seek that same posture in other areas of my life — in resilience, in fatherhood, in marriage, and in leadership. I fail, of course. But the desire to grow never leaves. And joy often meets me along the way.

The Path Of Excellence

Perfection vs. Excellence

Perfection is narrow. It’s hard to define, almost impossible to reach – and often paralysing.

It stops people from starting.

Excellence is different. As Adam Grant puts it:

“Excellence is a minimum lovable product.”

It can be wrinkled, even flawed. But it’s full of intention. It’s rooted in care and contribution,  and it shows up across all roles, from CEOs to caretakers.

A Framework for Practising Excellence

Coach John Wooden once focused on three daily anchors:
 basic skills, conditioning, and mindset.

He cared less about whether the team won — and more about whether they improved every day. That philosophy shaped my own approach.

Here are three questions I now ask myself often:

 

1. What basic skills should never be left to autopilot?

For me: active listening, empathy, and enquiry. They’re simple, but they’re everything.

 

2. What mindsets bring my work to life?

A growth mindset — for myself, and for every person I work with. I believe people can grow, given the right space and support.

 

3. What conditioning sets me up to deliver with impact?


 Reading. Reflecting. Storytelling. Deep learning. And above all — rest.
 Excellence needs recovery too.

Final Thought

The more I reflect, the more I’m drawn to this word.

It’s not about prestige or performance.

It’s about presence.

 It’s about showing up for what matters. Even when no one’s watching.

May your year be filled with moments of quiet excellence.
And may joy meet you on the path.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences
The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

Mandela’s Five Lines. Four P’s. A Lifetime of Impact.

“During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.”
Nelson Mandela
Rivonia Trial, 20 April 1964

These famous words were delivered from the dock, concluding a three-hour speech. Three hours – imagine that. And yet, these five lines are the crescendo. They come from someone who had a lot to say, but not aimlessly. Someone who knew himself. Who knew what mattered. Who knew what he was fighting for.

These are the words of strong self-leadership – and a strong leadership framework. 

 

Self-leadership comes first.

One of the challenges we offer to people in our work is this: before you lead others well, you must lead yourself well.

But what do people who lead themselves well actually do? What do they know?

Mandela’s five lines offer remarkable direction — encapsulated in what I call the Four P’s. But before you hear my thoughts, maybe take a moment to reflect on yours. As you read those five lines again, what stands out? What do you notice or learn?

P1 – Purpose

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

Dan Pink says:

“The most deeply motivated people — not to mention those who are most productive and satisfied — hitch their desires to a cause larger than themselves.”

Purpose is like a nuclear reactor. It generates passion for persistence. When people know who they are and why they’re here, they become hard to stop.

In his speech, Madiba clearly knew which struggle was his to own: “this struggle of the African people…” — a purpose articulated over the preceding three hours.

Self leadership grows when we boldly name, without ambiguity, our cause — or perhaps more positively, our motivation. 

For some, that clarity comes quickly. For others, it takes soul work. Purpose isn’t about having the perfect wording — it’s emotional. It makes everything else fade in comparison. This is the first step to creating a strong self leadership framework – look internally.

 

Ask yourself:

  • What makes you angry?

     

  • What fills you so deeply you lose track of time?

     

  • What do you raise your hand for, even when it costs you?

     

  • What’s the gift you bring into a room?

     

  • What’s worth doing even if you fail?

     

We can become paralysed in the search for purpose. Hold it lightly. Let the pondering do its work.

 

P2 – Pictures of Possibility

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

These are the potential outcomes of living your purpose. They don’t exist yet — they’re possibilities, not promises. They live in our minds, more as images than fancy vision statements.

I wasn’t alive when Madiba gave this speech. But growing up in the seventies and eighties, most people believed his vision was impossible. And yet, he saw it:



“…a democratic and free society… in which people live together in harmony.”

I imagine he had to return to those pictures often to stay grounded. The cynic may argue — are we truly equal? Are we truly harmonious?

But the hallmark of a visionary isn’t 100% achievement. It’s the belief that creates motion.

Google co-founder Larry Page said:

“With a healthy disregard for the impossible, people can do almost anything.”

P3 – Posture

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

Posture, the way we approach things, is what connects us to our values; what we demonstrate as being important.

It’s not enough to have purpose and pictures. Alignment in how we show up is essential. Without it, our hopes become false.

Read Mandela’s five lines again. What values do you pick up?

I see courage, resilience, justice. Perhaps the words you choose differ, but what’s clear is this: he knew what was core. What he would not compromise.

He later said:

 

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

As someone who has spent years reading about this great man, I see again and again a life lived in alignment with chosen values.

Living into your values requires knowing what they are,  and what they look like in action. This is the foundation of a strong framework of leadership.

 

P4 – Practices

The Self-Leadership Framework Hidden in Mandela’s Five Sentences

Practices are your intentional habits, the daily actions that move you toward your pictures of possibility and fuel belief in your purpose.

As James Clear puts it:



“Your habits shape your identity, and then your identity shapes your habits.”

Mandela’s five lines don’t explicitly mention habits, but they express action. Words like “fought” and phrases like “prepared to die” speak of energy and doing.

In a well-aligned life, these Four P’s work together.

  • Purpose without practice is barren.

  • Pictures without posture are fantasy.

Gandhi once said:



“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

In the dock — and in life.

We all find ourselves in the “dock” at times. Life can be unfair, brutal, or just overwhelmingly complex.

One of the best ways to navigate that — especially as leaders — is to know your five lines. To build your self-leadership through intentional reflection.

Sometimes, those five lines can carry you through 27 years.
 And well beyond.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

The Power of Role Models: Finding Excellence in Others

The Power of Role Models: Finding Excellence in Others
The Power of Role Models: Finding Excellence in Others

Who are your role models?

I’m sure you have people you admire, but do you have role models – people you aspire to be like? This tendency came naturally to me as a kid. I had a role model for soccer, tennis, athletics, public speaking, and even for being ‘cool.’ I noticed what they did, how they did it, what they said, and becoming like them was the dream.

But as I became an adult, the intensity of noticing other people’s excellence as a pathway for my growth diminished. I’m not entirely sure why. Perhaps the message of individuality had set in, where the goal became uniqueness rather than ‘copying.’ Or maybe it was a case of settling, of no longer seeking growth in excellence—the terrible notion of being ‘good enough’ rather than striving for ‘excellent.’

But if Trevor Noah or Siya Kolisi is my model, I realise that previous disadvantage does not define what is possible. If Novak Djokovic is my model, I rethink retirement age. If the single mom who works two jobs to ensure her children eat is my model, I realise that I too can navigate my challenges. Modeling those who have achieved excellence can be an incredible resource.

The Power of Role Models: Finding Excellence in Others

“Have a model in your life for any part of your life you want to make excellent.”

Eric

Greitens

I found this quote by Navy Seal and author Eric Greitens most helpful. Before going any further, maybe read it again and think about how helpful it is to you, if at all.

Ask yourself:

1. Do I know where I am seeking excellence? Seeking excellence is a deliberate journey and practice. We can’t aim for excellence without identifying the areas we want to excel in.

2. In any area where I want excellence, there are those who have journeyed toward mastery. Do I know who they are and what their story is?

3. No one person, outside of divinity, can be a model in every area. Someone might be an incredible model for one aspect of life but not in others. That’s okay. Models don’t need to be superheroes. They become models of excellence in specific areas.

4. Copying, emulating, and learning from those who have achieved is not weakness; it’s the path to excellence. While originality is admirable, the journey often starts by modeling those who have walked the path before us.

5. Having a role model for excellence changes or adds to the questions we ask ourselves. Instead of just ‘how do I do that,’ it becomes ‘who do I learn that from?’ The quality of our lives often hinges on the questions we ask, and ‘who do I learn from?’ is a powerful one that can shift mindset and action.

The Power of Role Models: Finding Excellence in Others

As I reflected on this, I realized that for some important areas of my life, I don’t have a clear model. Sometimes, my inability to name a model is due to a focus that’s too broad, looking for an overall life model rather than a role model in a specific context. For example, Elon Musk might not be your model for empathy or leadership, but he could be your model for innovation, vision, or entrepreneurship.

There are many benefits to having role models, including:

1. Role models are an important part of our social environment. Even if we don’t know them personally, they foster a sense of belonging. Growth doesn’t have to be a lonely path.

2. Role models demonstrate what’s possible. Beethoven, for instance, initially modeled Mozart’s work, but eventually developed his unique style.

3. Role models build resilience. Good role models have usually faced challenges. Knowing they too faced adversity can strengthen our resolve.

So where do you need a role model?

Well, this is the question that has become more and more important to me. Here are 5 areas I have identified, where for some I have a sturdy role model and where others need a pondering and settling.

Facilitation – Hey, that’s my game and from the start I have had the most inspirational model.

Courage – This is a virtue that always needs a focus on becoming better and stronger. I have a natural tendency to choose ‘easy and safe’ and the right role model helps make the ‘leap.’

Faith – Once again I have a strong role model here. She is no longer alive and yet this does not take away the impact she has on me, in how I want to express and live my faith.

Fitness and health –  I’m needing to reconsider this one. Here my role models need to change based on the changing context of my age. I don’t have one yet.

Entrepreneurship – I do have a strong role model here; I just need to pay more attention to what he does.

This is just the tip of iceberg. What would be 5 areas for you?

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Are You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program

Are You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program
Are You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program

In our rapidly evolving world, the ability to adapt and embrace change is no longer a desirable trait – it’s a fundamental necessity. This got me thinking about how organisations are truly preparing their people for the uncertainties and opportunities that lie ahead. To gauge this, we posed a simple yet crucial question on LinkedIn:

Considering how much change we face, is your organisation spending enough time growing change capability in people, enabling their people to be future fit?

We gave four options, and they were….

  1. No: My organisation’s focus is an obsession on the short term.
  2. No: My organisation is future focused, but on strategic achievement, not people readiness. 
  3. No: It’s not the responsibility of the organisation. People must develop themselves here.
  4. Yes: My organisation actively supports the development of change competency in people. 

Here are the results. 

re You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program

The above poll creates a whole lot of difficult questions that include, 

  • How does one prepare for the future? 
  • Can one prepare for the future? 
  • Is it necessary to prepare for the future? 

Before going further, know that what I mean when I speak about being “future fit”, is being capable and ready for change.

What Change Readiness Is NOT

Traditionally, when we think about preparing for the future, we go down a path of finance security. Similarly, when organisations engage in future-oriented thinking, their focus tends to gravitate towards tangible metrics like five or ten year strategic plans centred on profit, product innovation, market reach, and increasing market share. 

While such strategic foresight is undoubtedly prudent, there’s a crucial element that can be easily overlooked or underestimated: the readiness and capacity of their people to not just navigate, but thrive in the transformed landscape of the years to come. These organisations are future focused, but not necessarily future fit. Just as having retirement funds doesn’t guarantee a vibrant and fulfilling retirement, strategic plans alone don’t ensure an organization’s people are equipped for the future. 

Are You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program

What Does Readiness And Capacity For Change Look Like?

I personally believe that building change acumen and future fit capability in people should be one of the priorities of the organisational training program. To thrive in changing environments, and therefore the future, requires people who are capable of changing. 

While the ability to adapt is, on one level, an innate human instinct, it’s also something we often resist. To support people, we need to develop their “change muscles”. Just as we seek excellence in a process or a professional skill so too, we should seek excellence and mastery in virtues and practices that are supportive of change. 

The good news is, those who change well, display somewhat predictable virtues, cultivate certain mindsets, and implement practices that all of us can do. These very practices, virtues, and mindsets form the core of the CAFE Life Change Workshop.

How To Start? Become Comfortable With Discomfort.

But let’s take this away from the organisation. Are you, right now, intentional about your future fit state? Whilst organisations should focus on building change muscles, and essentially teach their leaders how to inspire change, don’t leave it up to them. You be prudent. 

How do we start? 

I believe that our starting point is the word ‘discomfort.’ To thrive in changing times requires that we dance with discomfort. We must be comfortable in being uncomfortable. One of the biggest obstacles to change is that change creates discomfort. 

Neuroscience confirms this: change demands our attention and effort, shifting brain activity from the automatic basal ganglia to the more energy-intensive prefrontal cortex. This increased cognitive load makes things feel less desirable and pleasurable, especially when we are accustomed to a certain way of doing things, where our ego feels validated and overthinking isn’t required. 

Think about driving a car on the left side of the road when you’re used to the right. The shift engages your prefrontal cortex, making a familiar task suddenly feel challenging. Being “future fit” means recognizing that we will be called upon regularly to switch “sides of the road,” and these switches won’t just be simple left or right turns, but multidimensional shifts.

The bottom line is, clinging rigidly to the familiar might just leave us stranded.

Can we learn to become more comfortable with discomfort? Absolutely. Just like somebody trains to run a marathon, we can train ourselves for discomfort. 

Are You Uncomfortable? The Start of a Future Fit Program

Never Stop Learning

Many years ago, when I was in full time corporate employment, I went on a leadership training program. Much of this program today is ‘hazy’ with one big exception. The facilitator challenged us delegates with this thought. He said, ‘every day you wake up, go to the mirror and ask yourself this question, what am I going to do today that makes me feel uncomfortable?’

This resonated with me and for much of my life since, has been a thought I return to. I believe this quote has even greater relevance now. Embracing discomfort is a character skill and a learning skill. Here’s the thing about learning aptly put by Seth Godin,  ‘Learning creates more competence but first, it amplifies our feelings of incompetence.’ In other words to learn, requires a journey through the dessert of discomfort. 

Many of us have stopped learning, not because we don’t want to learn, but because we dislike the feeling of feeling incompetent. Yes, I’m speaking to you 50 years olds out there (like me) who have surface technology skills because we don’t like the feeling of looking stupid. Here’s another quote to support our thinking here by Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz 

"Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily; and why older persons, especially if vain or important, cannot learn at all."

To embrace discomfort means we put ourselves in the arena before we are ready. It means we are prepared to make mistakes, where each mistake is a sign of progress, not confirmation that we can’t do something. To embrace discomfort is the realisation that discomfort is not the same as safety.

 Discomfort triggers another part of our brain called the orbital frontal cortex. Located above the eyeballs, it is closely connected to the brain’s fear circuitry, which resides in a structure called the amygdala. In other words discomfort causes us to see threat where we believe we are in danger. No – that public talk you fear, or speaking up in a meeting, is not going to kill you – it’s simply discomfort you are experiencing. It’s simply the path you must travel for future relevance. 

Practices To Support You

So, let’s get practical about cultivating this comfort with discomfort. Here are a few simple yet powerful things you can implement:

·  Celebrate Discomfort: When you feel that familiar twinge of unease, acknowledge it and tell yourself, “I’m not in danger, I’m simply exercising my future fit muscle.” 

·  Practice Discomfort Regularly: For the past two years, I’ve made a daily cold shower a non-negotiable, regardless of the weather. Initially a health habit, it has evolved into a powerful reminder that embracing discomfort actually strengthens me. 

·  Recognize the Ephemeral Nature of the Present: Acknowledge that today’s norms and ways of doing things are rapidly evolving. Regularly ask yourself, “What am I clinging to that needs to be held more loosely?” 

·  Actively Seek Growth: Read books that challenge your thinking, enroll in courses that stretch your abilities, and embrace difficult conversations as opportunities for learning. 

·  Volunteer for the Unfamiliar: Seek out projects, assignments, and tasks that make you feel uncomfortable and push you beyond your current comfort zone. Let your manager know you’re actively developing your future fitness and ask for their support in identifying such opportunities.

Perhaps this quote from James Clear provides an excellent way to conclude:

"You are as old as the risks you take. In many ways, aging is not the process of growing old, but rather the slow death of becoming overly protective, scared, and worried about losing what you have. Youth is found in the energy of going for it, taking the risk, and trusting that you'll figure it out along the way."
Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

4 Ways to Reignite Your Growth (Even If You Feel Stuck)

4 Ways to Reignite Your Growth (Even If You Feel Stuck)
4 Ways to Reignite Your Growth (Even If You Feel Stuck)

A question I like to ask people during coaching sessions, especially those in managerial and leadership positions, is: “What is the focus of your growth right now?” This is a valid question for everyone, but the reason I specifically mention managers is that growth can sometimes stop once a certain status is achieved. And yet, an essential ingredient of a future-fit organisation is leaders who are growing – and we need to challenge our leaders and our people to keep growing.

Why is growth essential for success?

Firstly, growth is a fundamental human need; It’s part of what makes us human. And when we are growing, we are more likely to experience a higher state of happiness. For many, their sense of discontent stems from being stuck and feeling like there’s no progress.

Secondly, growth is key to staying relevant. In a changing world, failure to grow and adapt makes us potential victims of irrelevancy. This thought is powerfully illustrated in this quote by Eric Hoffer:

‘In times of change, learners will inherit the earth, while the learned will find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.’

How good is that? Learners will inherit the earth.

But one difficulty that may arise as you consider this topic of growth is: “Where should I grow?” Sometimes, our failure to grow comes from a lack of clarity and imagination. If we have options or considerations, we just might find a meaningful area of focus for growth.

Here are four key areas where you can focus your growth.

1. Develop Learnable Skills – Growth is not just about talent

There are learnable skills for almost any aspiration or value. Simply knowing this can ignite an aspiration and make it possible.

For example, I used to think drawing was a talent that only a few possess. But there are learnable skills to drawing that anyone can master. I might not become Picasso, but with effort and the right teacher, I can develop this skill.

The same applies to soft skills like courage, empathy, and resilience. For example, a learnable skill for curiosity is the art of asking good questions, and a learnable skill for collaboration is creating an environment of psychological safety.

Don’t settle for an inner dialogue that says, “I’m not talented enough.” Instead, ask: What are the learnable skills that will help me grow in this area?

4 Ways to Reignite Your Growth (Even If You Feel Stuck)

2. Focus on Mastery - The power of deliberate practice

Mastery is about getting better and better at something meaningful. It’s the path of deliberate practice. Tons of research highlights that the focused repetition of a task over time separates those who excel from those who don’t.

Growth isn’t a linear process. You hit plateaus, push through them, and then experience another growth spurt. Sometimes, you even need to take a step backward to find a new way forward.

The challenge? The temptation to settle for “stuck and steady.” Do you have an area where you’re actively working to become better? Growth in mastery is often inch by inch. But it’s worth it.

Surely, we should all aspire to be in the top 10% of the world at something.

3. Upgrade Your Mindset - Growth starts with your beliefs

This type of growth focuses on changing how you think. It’s about challenging the limiting beliefs that hold you back or ‘control’ you. 

Mindset growth often requires the help of others: coaches, mentors, therapists, role models, or even great content. We all have certain mindsets that inhibit our potential, relationships, and progress. And yet, all too often, we accept them.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

To grow your mindset, start with these questions:

  • What mindset shift do I need?
  •  Who can help me grow in this area?
  •  What resources will support my growth?
4 Ways to Reignite Your Growth (Even If You Feel Stuck)

4. Expand Your Knowledge – Stay curious beyond your expertise

Never before has the world given us so much access to information. At our fingertips we have a library of information and resource. Sometimes the most wonderful growth happens when you simply become curious about things outside your field of excellence.

I once heard someone say:

“I want to be able to add to the conversation.”

For example, a non-marketing person might think, “When I’m in a meeting about marketing, I want to participate – so I’ll learn the basics.”

Here’s something fascinating for you – Leonardo da Vinci’s to-do list from one random day. It’s a perfect demonstration of his insatiable curiosity:

  •  Learn the measurement of Milan and its suburbs
  •  Get the master of arithmetic to show you how to square a triangle
  • Ask Genino how the tower of Ferrara is walled
  •  Ask Benedetto how they walk on ice in Flanders
  •  Get a master of hydraulics to tell you how to repair a lock in the Lombard Manor
  •  Get the measurement of the sun promised to me by Master Giovanni, the Frenchman

No wonder he was Leonardo da Vinci. And to think – he didn’t even have the internet. Imagine what he would have done today.

The opportunity to grow is all around you – Which area will you focus on?

Growth is available to all of us, just like the air we breathe. The key is choosing the right area to focus on.

In closing, this quote by Seth Godin perfectly captures whether you will grow, or whether stagnation is your path:

“I’m not that smart,” someone said to me the other day, and it was heartbreaking.
The number of tasks in our culture that require someone who was born with off-the-charts talent is small indeed.
Just about everything else we need people to do is the result of effort, practice, and care.
The correct thing to say is, “I don’t care that much.”
I don’t care enough to do the reading, to fail along the way, to show up, to make a promise, to learn as I go, to confront failure, to get better at the work.
All of that might be true. But you’re almost certainly smart enough.”

The question is: Are you willing to care enough to grow?
Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Two Words That Can Transform Your Thinking

Two Words That Can Transform Your Thinking
Two Words That Can Transform Your Thinking

We all have thinking habits that shape how we engage with the world. Here are two common habits that can limit the depth and quality of our thinking:

  1. We oversimplify complex issues.
  2. We assert ideas rather than explore them.

For example, consider statements like:

  • “The problem in the world is…”
  • “The solution is…”

In both cases, complexity is reduced to an oversimplified claim, and no room is left for discussion or nuance.

Two simple words can help us challenge these habits: “It depends.”

These words introduce context, a key ingredient in high-quality thinking. Below are a few examples where “it depends” can shift our perspective and lead to deeper insights.

1. "The most successful people set goals."

Well… it depends.

Goals are undeniably valuable – they focus effort, drive motivation, and provide direction. But should we always assume that setting goals is the key to success?

James Clear points out that winners and losers often have the same goals. The difference is in the systems they build. Meanwhile, Dan Pink, in Drive, warns that goals (especially those imposed by others) can sometimes backfire. They can lead to shortcuts, unnecessary risks, and even unethical behaviour.

And let’s not forget the psychological impact of achievement-focused goals. Research suggests that achieving a goal doesn’t always bring satisfaction; it often just leads to setting the next one, creating an endless cycle of chasing success.

Seth Godin puts it perfectly:

“Hunger and thirst could be confused as being the same thing. But they are very different. Hunger for achievement and success, hustling to get this, won’t satisfy the thirst for meaning and connection. No matter how much you hustle.”

So yes, goals matter. But if someone claims “goals are the answer,” my response will be “it depends.”

Two Words That Can Transform Your Thinking

2. "Those who find meaning are driven by a strong sense of purpose."

Again, it depends.

Purpose is a powerful force – I personally make many of my biggest decisions based on purpose. But I’ve also learned that even purpose has a shadow.

Sometimes, I just want to sit in a coffee shop without feeling the need to “change the world.” If we become too focused on purpose, we risk burnout and missed opportunities. Simon Sinek calls this cause blindness, and Adam Grant warns of identity foreclosure—becoming so locked into a purpose that we close ourselves off to new possibilities.

This same tension applies to strategy. Yes, businesses need a strategy, but an obsession with it can lead to rigidity and failure. I recently heard about a company that executed the wrong strategy perfectly—a reminder that fixation on a single approach can be dangerous.

Even U2 wrestled with this idea. In the late ’80s, Bono reflected on their need to loosen their grip on purpose:

“We had asked our music to do so many things that by the end of the eighties it felt exhausted. Perhaps we needed to release the music from some of its purposefulness, its self-importance.”

Purpose is important. But sometimes, stepping back is just as valuable.

3. "Psychometric tests reveal who people are."

Well… it depends.

Personality and strengths assessments can be useful tools. I’m credentialed in a fantastic profiling system myself. But they are not definitive labels—they are guides, not absolute truths.

People are complex. As Marcus Buckingham puts it:

“There are galaxies inside of you.”

Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking to Strangers warns us that understanding others is far more complicated than we think. He writes:

“We think we can transform the stranger into the familiar and the known without cost or sacrifice. We can’t. What is required of us is restraint and humility.”

So, while psychometric tools have value, we should use them with care and humility—not as rigid definitions of who someone is.

Two Words That Can Transform Your Thinking

4. "Live life with no regrets."

Well… it depends.

Dan Pink’s book The Power of Regret challenges the idea that regret is something to avoid. People often say, “I have no regrets,” but does that mean if they could relive their life, they’d change nothing?

Regret, when managed well, can be a powerful teacher. While dwelling on regret isn’t helpful, using it as a tool for reflection and growth can be. A mindset of “I wish I had done that differently” can guide better future decisions.

Regret isn’t always a weakness—it can be a catalyst for wisdom.

Well… it depends.

Dan Pink’s book The Power of Regret challenges the idea that regret is something to avoid. People often say, “I have no regrets,” but does that mean if they could relive their life, they’d change nothing?

Regret, when managed well, can be a powerful teacher. While dwelling on regret isn’t helpful, using it as a tool for reflection and growth can be. A mindset of “I wish I had done that differently” can guide better future decisions.

Regret isn’t always a weakness—it can be a catalyst for wisdom.

The Takeaway: Become a Quality Thinker

The core message of this blog is simple: Resist the urge to oversimplify.

When faced with bold statements or absolute truths, don’t just accept them – pause, reflect, and consider context.

Before asserting an idea, ask:

“Does this apply in all situations? Or does it depend?”

By doing so, we elevate the quality of our thinking – and ultimately, the quality of our lives.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Learning the TEAMS lesson

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Learning the TEAMS lesson

In his book Will, actor Will Smith makes this interesting comparison: Life and school are very similar, with one stark difference. In school, you take the lesson and then write the test. In life, you take the test first, and then it’s up to you to learn the lesson. How good is that?

Daily life throws us into an examination room, where no one has prepared us for the questions. The wise among us reflect post-test, seeking insights and uncovering lessons. In business, we call this a learning environment – an essential tool to navigate the ever-changing tides of our world.

The Harvard Business Review defines the importance of learning environments like this:

“With tougher competition, technology advances, and shifting customer preferences, it’s more crucial than ever that companies become learning organizations. In a learning organization, employees continually create, acquire, and transfer knowledge— helping their company adapt to the un- predictable faster than rivals can.”
Learning the TEAMS lesson

Take note of the three verbs here: create, acquire, and transfer knowledge. These actions embody a learning environment. So, after any “test” in life or work, are you and your team engaging in these three vital steps? Post-test reflection is where wisdom emerges.

Seth Godin once said:

“When somebody rips off your mask you get a healthy appreciation for oxygen. Although we are surrounded by oxygen we barely notice it, though we desperately need it. The same can be said for wisdom. We are surrounded by an abundance of wisdom. Like air its accessible.”

Let’s put this idea into practice with a real-life example:

The other day I was working with a client and she made a statement that stopped me in my tracks. She said, ‘I have better working relationships with people when I work from home.’ I was absolutely intrigued because my default message has always been that being physically together fosters stronger relationships.

Her company was testing a “work from home” policy. Now, a learning isn’t a space that simply asserts things; it leans into curiosity. In this environment we ask: what lessons could we create, acquire, or transfer from our experiences? As her coach, we began leaning into these questions. Here are three insights that emerged:

  • Permission vs. Assumption
    When working from home, people tend to ask for permission before engaging, like sending a message to check availability: “Do you have a moment to chat?” In the office, however, people often assume availability, which can feel intrusive.
  • A limited view of Body Language
    In the office, we see each other’s full body language, which can sometimes lead to misinterpretations. For example, folded arms or glances at a phone might trigger defensive reactions. On a screen, this is less obvious, reducing the chance of misreading others’ intentions.
  • Self-Observation
    With cameras on during virtual meetings, we see ourselves in a small window, which makes us more self-aware. This can heighten our consciousness of how we’re showing up and presenting ourselves to others.

These insights have fascinating implications for building trustful relationships. In trusting teams, autonomy (choice) tends to be high, body language is mostly positive, and individuals are self-aware of their presence and impact. For my client, these strengths seemed to emerge more naturally in virtual settings. The big question is: Can we bring these into the physical workspace?

Learning the TEAMS lesson

The answer is an obvious yes – we just need to learn. Here are three simple practices, framed as questions, to foster these lessons in the office:

  • Ask: ‘Is now a good time to chat?’
    This small courtesy ensures you’re respecting others’ priorities instead of assuming your task is their top priority. The language we use sets the tone for how the conversation will go. 
  • Observe Body Language:
    The advantage of being together is that we can see each other’s body language. Always err on having a ‘lean in body language.’ Better yet, ask: “What body language of mine am I unaware of that might distract or annoy you?”
  • 3. Practice Self-Awareness:
    Try to see yourself as others do. I know this is hard. A helpful question to ask yourself is, “If I were observing myself right now, what would I notice? Would I like what I see?”

These lessons are simple but powerful. What fascinates me most is how they emerge from curiosity and reflection during a moment where life has given us a test that’s up to us to learn from.

So, I ask you: What test are you writing that’s asking you to learn a lesson? At CAFE Life, we’d love to hear about it. Let’s create, acquire, and transfer knowledge together.

I’ll leave you with this thought from Ray Dalio, founder of Bridgewater Associates:

"Bad times coupled with great reflection create some of our deepest lessons."
Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Design vs Resign Mindset: Transforming Challenges Into Opportunities

Speaking Like an Artist.
Speaking Like an Artist.

One of my favourite Maya Angelou quotes beautifully says…

‘Life is pure adventure and the sooner we realise that the quicker we will be able to treat life as art.’

This quote could possibly cause a raise of the eyebrows accompanied by a thought like, ‘easy for her to say,’ because for many, I don’t think adventure describes their experience of life.

Life is difficult. And pain is very much a part of the package. So too it was for Maya. For example, a traumatic abusive childhood experience resulted in her not speaking for five years. And yet she became Maya Angelou, this huge influencer who was poet, author, activist, dancer, polyglot (she spoke 6 languages), chef, and on and on we could go. Could the impact of her life be linked to the mindset of an artist, someone who approaches each day as an adventure in ‘design’? This takes us to the topic of the blog: design vs resign mindset. 

Speaking Like an Artist.

Design or Resign?

Design vs resign mindsets – how possible these are always the two choices we face in almost every situation. To cultivate such a mindset can be very difficult and yet it’s one we must craft if we really want to enjoy being here, where we not only adapt to change and circumstance but are transformed by change and circumstance.

Liz Zander, co-author of ‘The Art of Possibility,’ teaches us to not say, ‘I’m on vacation but it’s raining’ and to rather say, ‘I’m on vacation AND it’s raining….what should I do with this moment?’ She powerfully connects us with some key attributes of the mindset of an artist, where the artist does not deny the pain but instead embraces her circumstances from a place of curiosity, enquiry and ultimately design. Artists embrace and combine objects, allowing ‘this AND that’ to create something fresh and authentic.

Marcus Buckingham of Strength Finders fame, shares in his book ‘Love + Work’ that you can write a long list of things at work you can’t change but don’t focus here. Focus on what you can change. Their research shows that 73% of workers say they have the chance to modify their job to fit their strengths better.
Change follows the focus of your attention. I believe that the 73% can be even higher. We just need to teach people the skills of being a designer, and not a ‘resigner.’

Speaking Like an Artist.

A design mindset sees life differently than a resigned one.

Let’s briefly focus on one of these, where Liz Zander has already given us a clue. A design mindset speaks differently to that of a resign mindset. By simply watching our words, we just might immediately begin to unleash some design within us.

~ Say ‘I'm excited’ and not ‘overwhelmed.’

Feeling excited is a similar physiological experience to feeling nervous or overwhelmed. So, when you find yourself overwhelmed you can change your language to one that embodies excitement. Overwhelm is an emotion with energy. It can’t just be switched off. Instead of trying to put a handbrake on the energy, change the direction of the energy. ‘I have so much to do, and I am excited that I can apply my skills to these tasks.’ Artists get excited.

~ Say, ‘What a fascinating outcome’ and not ‘what a disastrous outcome.’

Fascinating does not mean you like the outcome, but what it does do, is keep your mind open. Once something has been concluded as a disaster, it’s hard to do anything with a design mindset from there. So, for example, when your idea is not chosen, become fascinated around how the decision was made, or the merits of the idea that was chosen, and not in a concluded state of resignation.

~ Say, ‘I get to…’ and not ‘I have to…’

We’ve all said it. “I have to attend that meeting,” or “write that report”, or “look after my kids”. The words ‘have to’ is obligation. And whenever something is obligation, there is no love in it. ‘I get to,’ connect us with privilege and wonder. It opens our mind to possibilities and to do something with the time you have been given. Many have to change their mind on a Monday morning, to ‘I’m grateful that I get to go to work today. For most, work is a privilege, and I’m one of the people in this world that has it.

~ Say, ‘what could we do here’ and not ‘what should we do here?’

Once again, ‘should’ is obligation, decided by someone else’s expectation and closed to little options. ‘Could’, however, speaks about our options, where we can choose what we do with what is in our hand.

~ Ask, ‘what do I want to do in this situation,’ and not ‘what is everybody else doing?’

Simply put, artists ask a different set of questions. Being an artist is about pushing into our own resourcefulness; it’s not a mimic of others. As Brene Brown says, ‘The only unique contribution that we will make in the world will be born of creativity.’ There are times to follow suit, but don’t make this the default. Give yourself the ‘gift of pause and ponder’ by verbalising questions that go down into your resourcefulness.

Our words become our actions and our actions become our habits. To move from a response of resigning to a response of designing, focus on your words. It would be great to hear some of your examples of design vs resign mindset rephrasing. So if you have any, feel free to share. Let’s help each other along.

Finally, these thoughts are part of what we take very seriously in CAFE Life. One of our key focus points when working with team culture is Job Crafting. This is the simple yet freeing notion that we can design in our place of work. That we can enable a thrive experience, rather than a survive one. There are so many things CAFE Life does that enables this, so please do reach out to us if we can support you or your organisation in making this happen.

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

A Leaders Guide on How To Inspire Change (And why we need it)

Speaking Like an Artist.
Speaking Like an Artist.

This question is an important one, because change is a requirement for wholeheartedness and relevance. Today, it’s essential that organisations and people are successfully morphing to their next stage of existence. Impermanence is one of the few things in life that we can truly rely on. How we experience and do life, and business today will be different in a few years’ time, and in some domains vastly different. This being true, a fundamental skill of leadership and management is change advocacy skills.

To support people in change, leaders first need to understand how people change. If they can do this, they can utilize this knowledge as a lever to support change. Simply expecting change will seldom bring change. Leaders need to be change savvy; they need to know how to build change capability. This takes time and investment. If you’re a leader in an organisation, let me ask you: how much focus are you placing on your skills and ability to lead change?

Remaining Relevant Requires Change

Simply put, organisational change is about future relevance. When we don’t change in a changing world, we start a slippery slope of irrelevance. Here are four of my favourite change quotes that support this notion. Warning: These are not feel-good quotes.

"In times of change, learners will inherit the earth, while the learned will find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists."
Eric Hoffer
"When the rate of change outside exceeds the rate of change inside, the end is insight."
Jack Welch
"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler
"If you don’t like change you are going to like irrelevance even less."
General Eric Shinseki

The good news is that we as human beings are not only capable of change, we’re able to thrive in change. We just need to know how to activate and support change.

There are four critical areas that support how people change. Each of these focus areas has the ability to agitate the other three into action; meaning that change can often be led by any one of these focus areas and followed by the others. But before I share these with you, lets ponder two questions for a moment: Where have you experienced successful change? And secondly, what enabled this change to be successful?

King Moshoeshoe of the Basotho people

One of my favorite stories of change comes from King Moshoeshoe of the Basotho people. King Moshoeshoe is remembered as a powerful and inspirational leader, especially during the turbulent 1830s, when many sought refuge under his guidance in the mountain kingdom of Lesotho.

But Moshoeshoe wasn’t always the wise and compassionate leader he became. As a young man, he was ambitious but often resorted to violence and domination to assert his power. Leadership, to him, was about control. That was until he met his mentor, the wise old man Mohlomi.

Mohlomi introduced Moshoeshoe to a different style of leadership, one centered on service rather than control. Their encounter lasted just three days, but it had a profound and lasting impact on Moshoeshoe. As a symbolic reminder, Mohlomi gave him an earring, which Moshoeshoe would carry as a tangible representation of this new path. Over time, people noticed a visible shift in Moshoeshoe’s behavior, and he went on to become one of the most revered leaders in Southern Africa.

So, how did this transformation happen? Let’s break down the four components of change through the story of Moshoeshoe:

A Leaders Guide on How To Inspire Change (And why we need it)

1. Desire: A Compelling “Why”

People change when they have a strong desire or, as Simon Sinek says, a compelling “why.” The more emotional and meaningful this reason is, the more likely change will occur. Change expert John Kotter calls this “urgency”—without it, people cling to the status quo. For Moshoeshoe, the desire to become a great leader provided the spark that Mohlomi used to engage and guide him toward transformation.

2. Mindset: Shifting Beliefs

As George Bernard Shaw said, “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their mindset cannot change anything.” If new behaviors clash with our deeply held beliefs, change is almost impossible. Moshoeshoe had to challenge his assumptions about leadership. With Mohlomi’s guidance, he adopted a new, more service-oriented mindset that aligned with the leader he aspired to become.

3. Habits: Small Actions, Big Impact

Change often begins with small, consistent actions. As Seth Godin wisely puts it, “Attitude follows action far more often than action follows attitude.” In other words, don’t wait to feel ready—start acting as if you are. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, reinforces this idea, saying that small, consistent habits cast “votes” for the person you want to become. While we don’t know the exact steps Moshoeshoe took, we do know that his behavior changed enough for people to take notice.

4. Environment: The Invisible Influence

Our environment shapes our behavior in ways we often don’t realize. James Clear offers a simple example: when water was made more accessible in a cafeteria, sales of water increased without any messaging around health benefits. The environment had changed, and so did the behavior. For Moshoeshoe, the earring Mohlomi gave him served as a powerful environmental cue, reminding him daily of his new path.

Putting It All Together: The Catalyst for Change

Change can be initiated by any one of these four elements—desire, mindset, habits, or environment—and once motion begins in one area, it often spreads to the others.
As Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau once said, “The pace of change has never been this fast, yet it will never be this slow again.” To thrive in today’s world, we must get better at both adapting to change and leading others through it. Simply demanding change isn’t enough. Like Mohlomi, leaders need to invest in the process—whether by igniting a compelling “why,” shifting mindsets, fostering new habits, or redesigning environments.
By doing so, you just might unleash the leader in yourself and in those around you.

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Principles Under Pressure

The unfortunate gap between what we think we believe and what we do
“Knowing your principles does not mean you know how to practice them, particularly under stressful situations.”
Adam Grant (An extract from Hidden Potential)

I wish the above statement was easily dismissible and that we as humans effortlessly practiced our core beliefs. I wish that once core values were stated, that behaviour naturally followed – especially when under pressure.

But this is not my experience; whether I talk as a witness of my own life or of others. Simply knowing what’s important doesn’t mean it comes naturally or easily. It’s one thing to say we believe something, It’s another to act in alignment with that belief.

A cruel experiment

In 1973, social psychologists John Darley and Daniel Batson conducted an experiment at Princeton Theological Seminary Collage. In this well know experiment, 67 seminary students were asked to deliver a sermon on the parable of the Good Samaritan. 

The students were randomly assigned to one of two conditions, a hurried condition and an unhurried condition. In the hurried condition the student, upon meeting a host, was presented with these words, “Oh, you’re late. They were expecting you a few minutes ago. You better get moving.”

 In the unhurried condition, the host gave these instructions, “It’ll be a few minutes before they’re ready for you, but you might as well head on over.” Each student walked alone to the building where they would deliver their sermon. On the way, the student encountered a man slumped in a doorway with his eyes closed, coughing and moaning, clearly in distress. What do you think happened?

Naming your values does not make them happen

I have been privileged to have worked with many great organisations. I have witnessed some exceptional work done in the domain of defining corporate culture. 

Some organisations go to great expense to craft their culture, making it tangible and clearly communicated. They create visual material, do expansive road shows, and rev people up to live into these values. 

But telling people something is a value of yours does not mean that people know how to demonstrate it. This is where exceptional work falls short over and over again. And when values are not accompanied with the means and clarity around how to demonstrate them, they become a tool for cynicism and judgment.

We have to go deep

When we agree to values that are not aligned to the underlying assumptions that drive the business, the value will face resistance. For example, if an underlying assumption of an organisation is one of ‘people can’t be trusted,’ then a value of collaboration is likely to receive shallow endorsement, no matter how good the poster.

Collaboration by nature sees value in another. Collaboration relies on a core belief that we are stronger because of each other. Collaboration flows from a place of trust. The work needed here is the hard work of changing mindset. And this requires a plan with much focused effort.

When a business names a value I like to ask, ‘what are the core beliefs or underlying assumptions that enable this value to thrive here?’ When the core belief is not supportive of the value, the outcome is likely to be lip service or ticking the box responses rather than the value in action.

We have to give it muscle

Our values and principles need a bit of sustenance; some well-developed, foundational pillars that guide us towards an aligned response. Some questions I ask organisations are:

What is the language of this value?
Strong culture creates language that lives in the meeting rooms of organisations.

What are the learnable skills?
All values have learnable skills, and because there are learnable skills, the application of the value becomes choice.

What are the resources and tools?
Most values have simple tools, structures and models people can use. Like any home improvement job, it becomes easier when you have the right tools at your disposal.

What does the value look like in action?
In other words, how do we know when we are doing this well? Sometimes, it isn’t motivation people lack – it’s clarity.

What are the stories and rituals around the value?
Values need emotions and reminders. They are grounded in a web of stories that give evidence to why the value is important, and simple rituals that daily remind us of who we are and who we are becoming.

Some of my most enjoyable work over the past few years have been grounded in the above questions and the muscle they provide to the ‘value skeleton’.

It's not what we believe in. It's what we care about

I know, I’m probably overdoing it; but let’s go to one more example. Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States of America, shared in his book ‘Together’ that what matters is not what we believe, but what we care about.

96% of parents in one American survey, view the development of moral character in their children as important, rating honesty and loving and dependable as high. 

The problem is, most parents and students care more about results and achievement. And when achievement and kindness are at odds with each other, we soon see what we care about, and what our core beliefs and underlying assumptions. 

Here, we may confidently profess moral character, but when under pressure, the lure of status and achievement will trump any act of kindness to support another.

Back to Princeton’s Experiment…

And so, it’s no surprise that the hurried students ignored the man in distress, with only 10% of this group stopping to help him. When we’re under pressure, our principles get lost.

 Knowing our principles does not mean we know how to live into them. They did better when they were not rushed – 63% of the unhurried group helped. 

Much better, yet let’s remember these are guys who are about to preach about help. Before I get accused of judging, I recognise that I could have been one of those 37% unrushed guys that didn’t stop.

The good news

To show up in life the way that we want to is very possible. But we need to do the work. We need to focus on our mindsets so that they support our behaviour. Likewise, we need to enable our resolve through practicalities like skills and resources, both of which are attainable and accessible. 

We can be who we aspire to be. All around us, all the time, people demonstrate this. Likewise, Corporates need to recognise that defining and naming is the starting point of good culture. 

Take this deeper and give it muscle. When you do, your culture can and will become your ways of being and doing.

Categories
News

The Leaf in the Lounge: A Reflection on Perfectionism

The Leaf in the Lounge: A Reflection on Perfectionism
The Leaf in the Lounge: A Reflection on Perfectionism
"Don’t strive for perfection. Strive for perfectly acceptable."
Adam Grant

I was working in the lounge the other day and I became most intrigued with this winter-coloured oak leaf lying next to my feet. The leaf was beautiful, but quite obviously out of place. Or was it?

The topic of perfectionism is an interesting one. I have been told countless times by people within a coaching process that they are perfectionists. Most often the expression is couched in pride. How about you, do you consider yourself a perfectionist? And would this be a selling point for you within an interview process?

If we are talking the absolute precision of the universe, then I get perfect. But otherwise, I’m not sure perfect is an interesting conversation. Whilst there are activities in life where perfect is a necessity, these are probably the exception. I certainly would like the surgeon and the pilot to be as close to perfect as possible. But perfect in most other areas is often limiting and wasteful.

Over the past two weeks I have indulged in some Olympic therapy. As an avid rugby and soccer fan, it’s been refreshing to be reminded that there are some other equally enjoyable sports to watch out there. One thing I noticed whilst watching disciplines like gymnastics, swimming and athletics, was the common use of the word perfect. ‘That was a perfect display’, the commentator would say in a voice alive with admiration. Perfect – hmmm.

What’s wrong with perfect?

Perfect concludes.
If something is perfect, it probably implies we have reached the ceiling. Perfect can’t be done better. So don’t try. This perception stifles the growth mindset.

Perfect prevents.
If I must be perfect, how do I show up if I’m not sure I can live into that label? Well, I might not show up at all. How many books, paintings, talks, and products have never been heard/seen because perfect got in the way?

Perfect might not be beautiful.
Many years ago, I spoke at a men’s cell group. I prepared and I delivered what I considered was a near perfect speech. As I was leaving the event, I pondered my performance. As I did, I heard this gentle voice in me say, ‘perfect but not beautiful.’ The talk lacked vulnerability. It lacked the ‘flawed beauty of my heart.’ People connect with each other when being perfect is no longer the game.

Perfect has the potential to belittle.
When you focus on being perfect, mistakes are not welcome. They become an enemy rather than a potential steppingstone for potential and improvement.

Perfect overwhelms.
When we strive for perfectionism, we will find ourselves overwhelmed with the feeling of not having enough time. To take something from 90% acceptable to 100% perfect is normally a giant step and a huge sacrifice. Do this often enough and you to will say proudly, ‘I am so busy.’

Being Perfect Vs. Perfectly Acceptable

The desire to show up and do great work is noble and necessary. But don’t define greatness by the absence of inadequacy. It’s the dirt, the struggle, the flaw, nestled in the genius, that often distinguishes great work. Aim to do perfectly acceptable, beautiful work. Know when the email is good enough, the work out good enough, the painting good enough, and then share this with your world. All the while maintaining a mindset of learning and growing.

Simone Biles of gymnastic fame helps me here. She does the most difficult routines on the gym floor with the acceptance that with such difficulty comes mistakes. She chooses difficulty and excellence ahead of perfect and most often, but not always, succeeds.

The Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi connects us to the notion that in life cracks and flaws will appear. This is not a matter of shame but rather a matter of beauty. Leaves will fall off the tree and land on the grass. They don’t necessarily need to be seen as making the garden untidy. They could be seen as a part of the garden and a representation of the beauty of our seasons. Yes, at some point in time they might need to be picked up. And yet as they are, they are replaced by some more, which just reminds us that we cannot maintain a state of perceived perfection.

Finally, the purpose of CAFE Life was influenced and informed by that night many years ago. Our purpose ‘Is to bring healing and hope by showing the vulnerable beauty of my own heart.’

 
Note – beauty is not perfect.
Note – beauty is often found within the ‘leaves’ that are out of place.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Feeling First: Emotions Drive Our Choices, Not Facts.

Feeling First: Emotions Drive Our Choices, Not Facts.
Feeling First: Emotions Drive Our Choices, Not Facts.

The 2024 elections in South Africa have officially been completed. I’ve watched the commentary around the elections with a sense of fascination and amusement, noticing how people try and make sense of the outcome. I’m sure within every voter, surface level conclusions are made, accompanied by shaking heads where people say things like, ‘how could somebody have voted for that party/person?’

In his book 21 Lessons For The 21st Century, Yuval Noah Harari comments that elections are more about feelings than logical, rational thinking. Understanding that feelings are at the seat of what we as humans do, can empower empathy and grace. It also reminds us that any facts which ignore feelings are unlikely to sway people. If you want to influence, you must first understand and honour how a person feels. You may not agree with the assumptions that led to their feelings. But don’t ignore that their feelings are real, and matter. We are feeling ‘machines’ who think, and the facts come second to this.

The same applies within the organisational world. People respond to change based on how they feel about the change. Analysis from spreadsheets might provide logical evidence for the change, but that matters far less than the story individual people are telling themselves about the change. This can leave many a manager shaking their head around a passive resistance to change, when in their mind it makes absolute sense. This insight is beautifully summarized by change expert John Kotter who says, ‘People change what they do less because we give them analysis that shifts their thinking than we engage them with a truth that impacts their emotions.’

So, whether you are doing organisational change, or trying to understand the elections, or simply seeking to connect at a deeper level – take time to notice, enquire, and understand how people feel. As you do, be more interested in empathetic conversation than conversion. Asking someone, ‘how do you really feel?’ is a courageous question. Holding their feelings in a gentle way is equally as courageous. Seeking to grow and learn through other people’s feelings is even more so.

May we find grace to understand how people feel.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

When It Hurts Like Hell… Find Somebody Who Has Been There.

When It Hurts Like Hell… Find Somebody Who Has Been There.
When It Hurts Like Hell… Find Somebody Who Has Been There.

I recently had the opportunity to take a trip to Zambia. It was an amazing trip; immersed in value, meaning and pain. Our trip from Lusaka to our destination took just over three hours in a taxi. I was seated behind the driver with not much opportunity for moveability. About two hours into the trip my knees were aching. I was desperate for a stretch and an escape from the contained space. But who wants to complain? And so, I endured misery for the sake of a stoic appearance.

Upon my return to South Africa, I began to experience this acute pain in my left glute muscle that had throbbing ramifications down my left leg. Simple tasks like putting on my socks was a battle of grit. I was battling with my sciatic nerve, and it was freaking painful. Like most muscle type injuries, my initial hope was that I just needed to ‘ride’ this out for a day or two and then improvement would come. Suck it up and it will go away.

A week later, despair and frustration were settling in. There had been zero improvement. The only change was seen in my habits, where standing was now a far better option than sitting. Due to a busy travelling diary, I took matter into my own hands. Embrace the pain and stretch it out. And so, my early mornings, following an uncomfortable sleep, became an effort to stretch my way back to health. It seemed like a good plan; after all, it’s a trapped nerve. Let’s ‘un-trap’ it. A few days later, my good idea was soon exposed as a terrible idea, when following a 15-minute stretch routine, I bent down to pick something up, and ended up on the floor. The whole muscle seized, and the hope of moving forward was the reality of backward motion. Finally, I understood a truth: I need some help.

In the physio’s room, after a thorough and somewhat painful examination, she explained what was going on. She also shared that what my muscle needed was gentle rehabilitation, not stubborn stretching. And so here I am, standing and typing, coming to terms with the knowleadge that what I most need is patience – and the importance of seeking help.

It’s an interesting and transformative thought: whatever you are going through, somebody out there has gone through it. My challenges are not unique. There are people out there who have experienced these challenges or know a lot about them. That’s why we need mentors, why we have experts, why we share knowleadge. Why do I so often become the man in the arena who is alone; who alone is trying to figure this ‘stuff’ out?

And then what about patience? Why do I so often think that healing, wisdom and growth is like the quick serve hamburger stall? Technology might have made some things instant, but be careful to not extrapolate this into areas where time is the core component for progress. I seem to so often forget this and move into a rush mentality around things that require self-talk like, ‘Mike, slow down, ponder, pause, procrastinate, be patient on this matter.’ Richard Rohr shares these words that I desperately desire to embody as a part of my displayed consciousness. He says…

“Beginner’s mind is a posture of eagerness, of spiritual hunger. This is a rare feeling in today’s treacherously seductive culture however, because it is so immediately satisfying it is hard to remain spiritually hungry. We give answers to quickly, take away pain to easily, and to quickly stimulate.”

In summary, here are two questions that need to be engage more frequently:

What are you going through that does not require you to travel alone?

What needs time?

And yes, I have a new sense of empathy for anyone who has sciatic pain, and who has to drive in a taxi for an extended distance.

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

How To Combat Compliant Thinking: Strategies to Sharpen Your Critical Thinking Skills

Combating Compliant Thinking: Strategies to Sharpen Your Critical Thinking Skills
Combating Compliant Thinking: Strategies to Sharpen Your Critical Thinking Skills

Our current blog theme is about mental fitness and agility. This is the third blog in our Mental Fitness series, so if you havent read the first or second blogs yet, give them a squiz. In this blog, we’re exploring how we increase our mental fitness when we combat compliant, lazy thinking. Compliance occurs when others do your thinking for you. 

One Sunday afternoon I was driving with Paul, my sister in laws husband, down Beyers Naude Drive in Johannesburg. We reached a red traffic light and there were stationary cars all around us. Next thing, the driver to our left decided that waiting was no longer a good option and drove through the red light. The driver on our right followed hot on his heels, as did the drivers behind these two vehicles. It was a domino effect. Paul blurted out loud, ‘what am I missing?’ as this avalanche of movement took place. Now it was almost impossible for him to stand still. The world around us had decided that red was no longer important, and an invisible pulling of cars occurred across the intersection. 

Studies on passenger behaviour suggest that in-flight purchases can be influenced by social cues.

The research found that you’re 30% more likely to buy something from the food trolley if the person next to you does. I know this pull. I have noticed that when the person next to me looks at the menu, it’s as if I get given a sense of permission to indulge as well. 

In trivial unimportant matters, being pulled by the crowd doesn’t really matter, and following the group is actually normal. But the big question is, ‘am I making up my own mind when it truly matters?’ 

How Does Behavioural Influence the Workplace?

Having a strong defined corporate culture is mostly a good thing. A major focus of CAFE Life is to support organisations in creating cultures where people can thrive at work. But there is a danger to culture when it isn’t intentionally developed . 

Culture can be defined as the habitual behaviours, mindsets and attitudes of a collective of people. The stronger the culture, the more likely a homogenous way of thinking and behaving develops. In other words, the more likely it is that everybody on board is buying from the ‘trolley.’ As you can imagine, this can be dangerous  if the right thing to do, is not buy from the trolley. The term given for this condition is ‘Groupthink.’ Groupthink occurs when everybody follows a common dogma, with no critical or divergent thinking. In this instance, it’s often one or two people thinking and the others are simply following. This is well captured by General George Paton, who said…

“If everyone is thinking alike then someone isn’t thinking.”

Polaroid is one of many organisational examples that fell victim to Groupthink. From the 50’s to the 80’s, Polaroid was the company most of us would have wanted to work for. The culture was family orientated, caring and respectful. But when the external environment started to change, digital photography became a force. What the company needed at this time was new ways of thinking. But the culture did not allow such thinking. Polaroid was about instant photography. Max Booth, their CEO at the time, stated…

“Anyone who thinks instant photography is dying has his head in the sand.”

Hmmm – who wants to challenge the CEO? And so, Polaroid fell victim to a culture that did not encourage ‘thinking against the norm’ and consequentially went into liquidation in the late 90’s. A strong defined culture supports effectiveness; provided it does not squash expression. And teamwork is a great concept; provided teamwork doesn’t mean we ‘can’t rock the boat.’ 

Psychologist Solomon Asch did a series of experiments called the Conformity Line Experiment Study. Here, people were asked to sit in a group setting and give an answer to a somewhat simple problem. In some settings there were actors who gave wrong answers.

Imagine you have an answer which you believe is correct, but now the three people before you have given what you consider a wrong answer. How do you respond when it’s your turn? A similar pattern emerged to our travellers. About 30% of people chose to follow suit and give the wrong answer. They chose to fit in rather than to be seen as standing out. The pressure to conform, along with created self-doubt, resulted in people choosing to reject their thinking. 

How Often Do You Allow Others to Do Your Thinking?

The danger of lectures from Professors, motivational talks from well-known people, sermons from a church pulpit, ra ra’s from politicians or feedback sessions from a CEO, are that they most often don’t invite dialogue or disagreement. They might be really good – but they create passive audiences. Don’t be passive when it really matters. Develop independent thinking. Do the research, check the facts, challenge the populist path, go beneath the surface. Today, we must develop and practice this way of thinking. The important questions of life, your vote on a ballot paper, your career, need your own thinking. The urgency for this is seen in this sobering thought by Seth Godin…

“The ease with which someone can invent and spread lies is going to take most of us by surprise. It’s going to require an entirely new posture for understanding the world around us. Every day is April Fools from now on, let’s not get fooled.”

With the vast amount of societal influence and various opinions in our world, compliant thinking is a trap you don’t want to fall in. There’s a simple practice I encourage you to put in motion combat compliant thinking: write down what is so important to you, that it deserves your own thinking. This does not mean you don’t take advice, but that you put thought into whose advice you take. This does not mean you don’t take counsel, but you weigh the advice of counsel. 

Here is a list of things that probably deserve you to combat compliant thinking around….

 
  • The hard questions in life like…
    • the meaning of life
    • your own sense of purpose
  • Your career 
  • Your most important values
  • Who to vote for in the upcoming general elections
  • How you are going to show up in the next meeting you attend
  • What needs the answer ‘no’ and what needs the answer ‘yes’
  • What cannot be concluded as truth simply because it’s the top search on ‘Google’ 

To avoid compliance in things that matter…

 

  • Do your own reading and research
  • Embrace people who see things differently, ‘weighing’ their viewpoints
  • Avoid voices with a long track record of being wrong, who offer empty promises
  • Ask, and then see what happens
  • Be prepared to change your mind when new evidence arises 
  • Don’t let loyalty get in the way of truth and openness

The ability to think is one of our most important rights. We need to protect this. Celebrate this. Give room to your confusion, and don’t fall into the trap of making quick decisions, where everything is simple. Much of life is about a dance with complexity, where we don’t simply conclude. Like Susan David says,

“When somebody says to you, ‘it’s an easy question’, a good response can be, ‘it’s not easy for me because I’m thoughtful’.” 

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

No Margin In Your Life Means No Room For The Unexpected.

No margin in your life means no room for the unexpected.
No margin in your life means no room for the unexpected.

Many a driver unwillingly experiences this on the road. A narrow road, that involves another object (like a sudden crossing goat) would leave you with no choice but to plough off the road into the gravel, or the bush, and now have an unwanted offroad experience. Little roads are not made for any imperfection of experience. They have no margin for mistakes or the unexpected. 

Welcome back to our short blog series on mental fitness. The big thought of this blog is captured in this anchoring question, ‘how much margin do I create in my thinking?’

To be mentally fit requires the capability to think less rigidly and find freedom in open spaces. It’s the ability to have space in our neuro pathways for the unexpected goat. 

Margin, or open space, is a desirable condition in almost every aspect of life. Margin in your finances means you can accommodate unexpected expenses. When there is no margin, even a small, unexpected expense creates huge stress. Take margin in something like time. Have you ever experienced a day where there isn’t even time for even a sandwich, and even going to the bathroom is a luxury? We are dealing with a simple equation where decreased margin in your life = increased stress. 

The Sign of a Strong Mind Is the Willingness to Change Ones’ Mind.

I love the Karoo. When I was younger, the Karoo was a necessary boredom enroute to a holiday in the Western Cape. Now, how my thinking has changed. The Karoo is part of the holiday, a place to be savored and a place to lavish in. I am mesmerized and ‘saved’ by those open spaces. 

It’s as if my mind has space to think and to notice. Where vastness is beautiful, and the roughness of the koppies and barrenness of the land is provoking. It makes me wonder – is my mind an urban mess of city skyscrapers, overpopulated with activity and rush, or is it like the Karoo, open for adventure, and amazement? I want a Karoo mind. 

Sometimes our thoughts become so fixed and rigid that there is no space for any contemplation, doubt or adventure. I used to accolade myself for being consistent in thought, in never changing my mind. But I have learnt that a sign of a strong mind is the willingness to change one’s mind. 

I am learning that structures of thinking should not be stuck, static building blocks but rather, scaffoldings that are temporary, pliable and malleable. Using phrases like ‘hey I’m seeing that differently’ or ‘I’m changing my mind on that,’ should be more common utterances than less. 

To support the creation of margin, consider the following 5 statements. 

1. The goal of learning is not to re-enforce my thinking but to evolve my thinking.

All too often, life is a formula of ‘gain knowledge and then reinforce that knowledge’ by engaging with material or people who see it your way, think your way, and do it your way. This leads to static buildings and closed fences in our minds. 

There is a story of Steve Jobs and Bono discussing why long haired, barefoot, non-deodorant wearing hippies revolutionized our world in the mid 1970’s. Their conclusion was that this phenomenon can be explained by the counterculture posture of the hippies. 

They were not attached to the negative preached outcomes of advancement. To them, the computer was not taking away freedom. It was bringing freedom. They had the capacity to incorporate new thinking into their worlds. How essential is such a posture in today’s rapidly changing technological landscape?

Create margin in your life by hearing not only your viewpoint but those of others around you. 

2. Better to be right now than to be perceived as being right all along.

As humans, we tend to value the notion of being consistently right all along, regardless of what evidence is in front of us now. This leads us to passionately defend our early viewpoints. But as per last month’s blog, more often than we might admit, we are wrong. 

The need to appear right closes the door to open spaces, channeling energy into defending viewpoints rather than dancing with increasing perspectives. Here, we might fall into the trap of presenting a consistent argument rather than a factual one. Can we embrace and celebrate the notion that what we thought last year, may not be what we believe this year?

The terms ‘escalation of commitment’ describes the condition where somebody starts something, and then refuses to stop –  even if logic or wisdom says otherwise. If you are in a hole, stop digging.

Create margin in your life by reconsidering your viewpoints based on new knowledge and new insights. 

3. Notice and resist the posture of denialism.

There are many things in life that need to be questioned. Often, following is not the pathway. We don’t need to be open minded about everything. Some principles are abiding and unchanging. But be careful of the posture of the denialist. For denialists there is no room for any negotiation.

Skepticism is a much better stance. The considerate sceptic continually asks questions and knows what it takes to have a deeper conversation. They might not be easily persuaded, but there is a willingness to engage when considerate insights and arguments are presented. I like what Seth Godin says….

"If you’re not having any second thoughts at all, it’s probably because you’re not thinking it through enough. The hallmark of the true believer is that there’s no room for judgment. For everyone else, misgivings are a sign that you’re carefully considering the problem at hand."
Seth Godin

When you find yourself adamant about something, ask yourself, ‘what would need to be presented for me to engage in conversation here?’ If you can’t think of anything, you are probably posturing as a denialist. 

Create margin  in your life by avoiding the mindset of the denialist.

4. The goal of life is to grow wiser as we grow older.

How good is that line. The wisdom tradition does not see wisdom as an outcome. Rather, wisdom is something that is continually gained through the process of living. Where there is always an abundance for more.

Arrogance, on the other hand, is passion with ignorance. Ignorance can be described as the flawed state of believing you are undeniably ‘right.’ In his book Will, Will Smith shares this interesting line of thought:

“We beat on ourselves for being so stupid, regretting our choices, and lamenting the horrible decisions we make. But here’s the reality. That’s what life is. Living is the journey from not knowing to knowing, from not understanding to understanding, from confusion to clarity. You have one job as a human. Figure this shit out. Life is learning – period. Overcoming ignorance is the whole point of the journey. You are not supposed to know at the beginning.”

Create margin in your life  by embracing the realization that we have never ‘arrived’ at the end conclusion.

5. We live in a world of wonder and mystery.

Not everything needs explanation or sharp lines. Making room in our lives for paradox and discomfort can be empowering. This line is not good news for the analytics amongst us, where proof is needed. But how can we know everything? The universe in which we live continually amazes us with wonder and awe. This concept is beautifully captured by Einstein who in a letter to a friend wrote…

“You and I never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born. We must be careful to never outgrow our wonder years or to let our children do so.”

The notion of Einstein himself being comfortable with mystery and childlike wonder is most comforting. It reminds us that in our quest for answers can we remain in ‘wonder.’ This notion is also powerfully captured by Brene Brown who reminds us of that margin in our minds is the refusal to be boxed by absolutes or philosophies. She says…

Why do we have to choose evidence over experience, reason over faith, science over art, data over story?

Create margin by learning to dance with paradox and mystery. It enlarges the dimensions of the road we travel.   

There Is Beauty and Power in Creating Margin.

I need to create margin for my thoughts and my thinking. The above 5 statements support the creation of such margin. I often use the metaphor of the Karoo I shared earlier to help me with this. It reminds me to not make unmovable buildings around my thought processes, but to rather have space for the beauty of deliberate, adventurous thinking, where thoughts are given room to breathe. 

We don’t need open mindedness around everything. But all of us can and will benefit from more margin than less. In the next blog we will get practical around some things we can do that enable this. I can’t wait to share it with you all. 

Mike

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Unshakeable in a Shifting World: Building Your Mental Fitness Toolkit 

Unshakeable in a Shifting World: Building Your Mental Fitness Toolkit 
Unshakeable in a Shifting World: Building Your Mental Fitness Toolkit 

In December 23 I did an exciting workshop with a team around the concept of Mental Fitness. What an interesting term. Fitness: generally associated to physical ability and conditioning, describing a state of readiness and capacity to endure certain physical conditions.  But what is mental fitness? And how do we develop it? 

This is the start of our short blog series on mental fitness, connecting us to the importance of this most essential condition. In this blog, we’ll explore the meaning of mental fitness and why it’s such an essential focus point today. 

What is mental fitness?

Mental fitness is the intentional development of our thinking, so that we can navigate our rapidly changing environments. It’s very similar in concept to that of physical fitness. It’s the capacity and quality of an individuals thinking within changing environments. The quality is defined by attributes like clarity, perspective and agility. 

Most of us are physically fit enough to run 500m, but to run 42 km takes effort, attention, and discipline. Likewise, most of us may be mentally fit to embrace certainty and predictable environments. But we may not be mentally fit for changing environmental dynamics, where old assumptions are often no longer relevant or reliable. 

Are you focusing on your mental fitness? And are you focusing on your team’s mental fitness? 

4 reasons to focus on mental fitness.

1. The Ability to Adapt And Change

The obvious one: we are living in a world of change. Which requires agile thinking, not fixed thinking. In a world of no change, we can probably rely on past assumptions and experience. A world of change challenges our assumptions. It often exposes past experiences as an Achilles heel. One of my favourite quotes to highlight the velocity of this change comes from Canadian President Justin Trudeau. He says

“The pace of change has never been this fast, yet it will never be this slow again.”

Imagine someone tells you their computer is operating on Windows 95, what would you think? You’d probably say that’s antiquated. And you would have to conclude that they’re unable to leverage the latest advancements off their old platform. Now, if technology had made little or no advancements in the past few years, having Windows 95 wouldn’t make much difference. But in a progressive and dynamic technological world, keeping up means upgrading. 

Is it possible to access our current world if our assumptions are based on information that isn’t current? If so, what are the consequences? 

2. A Thriving Mental Being

 
We are not doing well mentally. This is not a judgement; we all feel the weight of navigating our modern-day living. The stats don’t lie. Susan David highlights this in her book Emotional Agility when she shares how since 2017 (as stated by the World Health Organisation), depression has become the leading cause of disability. No longer is our biggest impediment physical, but it’s mind related. This condition is captured powerfully by this writer who said…

“Today’s poor live better than yesterday’s kings, however, Americans are taking antidepressants in astounding numbers, leading to the current opioid epidemic”.

3. Accepting When We Are Wrong

We are wrong more often than we realise. In a predictable world, we could state things with more confidence. But our unpredictable world requires a greater level of tentativeness. We might not like this thought, but our blind spots are on the increase. Let’s quote 2 credible sources…

“The idea that our minds are susceptible to systematic errors is now generally accepted.”

Daniel Kahneman 

“More often than not there are moments where we are wrong.”

Seth Godin

Mental fitness enables us to dance with the notion that we might not be right. When this happens, we enable an openness. A teachability. A proactivity to seek out new ideas, and to filter irrelevant outdated ideas. This is a lot more difficult than it sounds. Adam Grant powerfully says…

“The hallmark of wisdom is knowing when it’s time to abandon some of your most treasured tools and some of the most cherished parts of your identity”

And let’s go back thousands of years to Confucius who said…

“Real knowleadge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance”

To understand our ignorance and let go of tried and tested tools is the product of a mentally fit mind. 

4. Knowing what is worthy of attention, and what isn’t

There is a glut of distraction. The noise around us has amplified over the past few years. This causes our good intentions to be hijacked by a barrage of distraction, leaving us with the feeling of ‘being ticked off’ rather than ticking off our needed actions and plans.

Now more than ever, to remain focused and have high levels of mental quality requires an ability to discern what’s worthy of attention – and what isn’t. This thought is powerfully captured by Franciscan Priest and writer Richard Rohr who says… 

“In our culture we suffer from a glut of words, a glut of experiences, a glut of tapes, books, ideas. When we have too many words, we tend not to value them, even if they might contain life for us. We can’t absorb it all. This can lead us away from a beginner’s mind. We desperately need some disciplines to help us know how to see and what is worth seeing, and what we don’t need to see.”

These factors don’t need to paralyse our desire to be mentally fit. Infact, they can energise them. Growing our mental fitness is founded in the desire to remain relevant in a changing world, by embracing change, understanding our ignorance, fostering new paths, and seeking disciplines for increased improved perspective.

In the blogs that follow my goal is to uncover and explore the ways to become mentally fit. I hope this sounds like a journey worth taking. 

Let’s wrap up with a story

On the 3rd of January 2017, I woke up in the early hours of the morning in the beautiful seaside village of Great Brak River. Great Brak River is nestled in the garden route between Mossel Bay and George. One of my favourite places in the world. 

I woke up at this time specifically to run through the village that crosses Great Brak and the sea. The plan was to complete the route and end my run with a sunrise on the beach. I let myself out the gate with my remote. And as I started to run; it began to rain. The rain became steadier, eventually becoming a heavy downpour. 

For me, running in the rain is a delight, and it brought with it the added benefit of absolute solitude. Whilst running, I came up with this interesting plan. Today was obviously going to be a no sunrise day. Let’s replace the sunrise with a swim in the river. Let’s jump off the bridge into the river. I was amused by this idea, and I was also aware of my right hand. 

In my right hand was the gate remote, and with harder rain came a harder grip on the remote, seeking to protect it from the water. When I got to the second bridge, the place of my river jump, I had this impending question: what do I do with the remote? The unanswered question foiled the adventure. Later that day I reflected on what a great run I had enjoyed. And with the gratitude came a sense of regret – if only I did not have the remote in my hand. 

To navigate our changing world requires that we learn to hold our thoughts, conclusions, and preferences more lightly. Some signs of low mental fitness are the inability to notice what we are unnecessarily holding onto. The inability to notice new opportunity, and the inability to adjust to what the environment is doing. What ‘remotes’ are you holding on to? 

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

Creating Clarity: Your Secret Tool for Work-Life Harmony (and How to Wield It Like A Pro)

Creating Clarity: Your Secret Tool for Work-Life Harmony (and How to Wield It Like A Pro)
Creating Clarity: Your Secret Tool for Work-Life Harmony (and How to Wield It Like A Pro)

Let’s face it, friends. The modern work-life landscape can feel like a minefield. Between overflowing inboxes, ever-shifting priorities, and that nagging voice in your head asking, “Are you even doing this right?”, it’s easy to feel like you’re teetering on the edge of burnout. But there’s one tool that cuts through the noise. It’s sharper than any productivity hack, and more powerful than any fancy app. It’s the practice of remembering that “clarity is kind.”

Why Clarity is the Kindness You Didn't Know You Needed

Have you ever delegated a task with vague instructions, only to be met with a Frankenstein’s monster of a project at the finish line? We’ve all been there. Unclear expectations breed frustration, resentment, and wasted time for everyone involved. It’s like playing a game of broken telephone, where the message gets distorted with every step.

But here’s the thing: clarity isn’t just about avoiding misunderstandings. It’s an act of kindness. It sets healthy boundaries for yourself and others, preventing resentment from brewing like a forgotten pot of coffee, and empowers everyone to do their best work.

Creating Clarity: Your Secret Tool for Work-Life Harmony (and How to Wield It Like A Pro)

Here’s why clarity is an irreplaceable tool in your work-life:

  • Boundaries with a Smile
    When you clearly define your time (think “no emails after 7 pm” or “sacred lunch break”), you’re not being selfish. You’re being kind to your well-being and setting expectations that foster respect. As Brené Brown reminds us, “Strong boundaries are not about separation. They’re about protection.”
  • Objectives
    When objectives are crystal clear, owned by the right people, and broken down into actionable steps, it’s like a mental fog lifting. You feel empowered, focused, and ready to conquer, not just confused and adrift. Here, we can draw once again from Brene Brown who says, “Clarity is the antidote to anxiety.”
  • Saying “Yes” to Your “Yes”
    Are you a morning lark who thrives in quiet? Block out that time. Do you need spontaneous dance breaks to recharge? Schedule them. Prioritizing your needs shouldn’t be seen as a luxury. As Michael Hyatt, author of “Living Forward,” puts it, “Clarity is the foundation for saying no to the good things that could crowd out the great things.” When you know what your priorities are, it’s easy to see what takes energy from these and confidently say “no” to those things. 
  • Turning Feedback into Growth 
    Potentially one of the hardest gifts to receive, feedback is a tool that can easily be seen as a weapon. But if you view it as a tool for gaining clarity around areas you need to grow in, it becomes a weapon for breakthrough, not one of shame. As Marshall Goldsmith, renowned executive coach, reminds us, “No one can give you better feedback than someone who cares about you.”

Clarity: Your Ticket to a Thriving Team

 “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People 

The magic of clarity extends beyond individual well-being. It fosters connection and collaboration, transforming your team into a symphony of empowered minds. When everyone is clear on goals, roles, and expectations, trust blossoms. Communication flows freely. And the collective potential of your team explodes.

Creating Clarity: Your Secret Tool for Work-Life Harmony (and How to Wield It Like A Pro)

Clarity In Practice

There is an ancient saying from the Asaro tribe in Papua New Guinea which says, “Knowledge is only a rumour until it lives in the bones.” To truly feel the difference of something, it first needs to become a part of us – of our lifestyle. Taking time to become aware of where we need clarity most and discovering how to create it. Because clarity isn’t just a beautiful word. It’s an incredible tool that unlocks work-life harmony, meaningful connections, and the collective brilliance that lies within each of us.

Now go forth and conquer, team. You’ve got this. And hey, if you need a hand navigating the clarity journey together, that’s what we’re here for. And we’re only a couple taps on your keyboard away, so reach out to us. 

P.S. Feeling inspired? Check out this video for a deeper dive into the power of clarity: 

Remember, clarity is a journey, not a destination. So be kind to yourself, celebrate your progress, and keep embracing the power of “knowing” in all its forms.

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Lessons from the Most ‘Stupid’ Man in Tuscany: Letting Go of Ego and Embracing Vulnerability

Lessons from the Most 'Stupid' Man in Tuscany: Embracing Vulnerability and Letting Go of Ego
Lessons from the Most 'Stupid' Man in Tuscany: Embracing Vulnerability and Letting Go of Ego

“The most stupid man in the world.” That’s me. A title I was officially given last month.

September 23 will always be remembered as a day of learning the true meaning of transcending the ego.

We were finally ticking off one of our big bucket list items: a trip to Italy. And in particular, a trip to Tuscany. Tuscany lived up to our expectations and allowed for a needed slowdown after the hustle of Venice. I loved the openness, the rolling hills, the beauty of the olive and grape vineyards, and the feeling of tranquility and peace that emerged simply walking within these enviable landscapes. 

We made our home in a beautiful small town called Figline Valdarno and soon learnt something of interest. We were in Sting land. Sting, the renowned musician, resides here a couple of months a year. We walked past his mansion and dined at his open-air restaurant on one of the evenings of our stay. It was simply amazing. 

On this evening, we were joined by three local Italians. The owner of the guest house where we were staying accompanied us along with two of her friends. It made for great fellowship as we felt part of the community and it created the magic of feeling like we were experiencing localness. 

One of the owners’ friends was Walter, this boisterous 82-year-old Italian, full of life and expression. And within this comes the topic of this blog. About an hour into our meal, I made a comment towards the conversation, which Walter responded with much energy and apparent seriousness, ‘you must be the most stupidest person in the world that I have ever met.’ 

We (a party of four) burst out laughing, unsure of how to interpret this unexpected comment from a new friend we had spent one hour with. We made some jokes and on went the evening. But it was an interesting and unexplained comment. When was the last time I was called the most stupid person in the world? I think my narcistic Biology teacher in high school said something similar, but that was school when teachers were obviously allowed to say such things. But to hear it in Tuscany – that caught me by surprise. 

What do you do when your identity feels attacked?

Have you ever out of the blue received a slap in the face? What do and don’t you do? 

This incident afforded me the opportunity to engage something that I’ve been learning and practicing: agreement is a disarming force. Most of us spend our lives trying to establish self-esteem and to create an identity that we hope people will look up to and admire. This causes us to value looking smart, appearing successful, to not be average and be differentiated from the majority. 

Have you ever noticed that being considered average is not a compliment? This path is well walked; and I walk it. It’s not all bad. And yet it does have ramifications. Malcolm Gladwell in his book Outliers, engages a topic called a ‘culture of honour.’ He explains that a culture of honour is one where your reputation is central to who you are and to making a living. If my reputation is so important to me, how do I respond when people are not fragile with my ego state? If I don’t come right in putting my ego aside, I probably get ‘pissed’ off and, based on personality, intensity and sensitivities, it causes bad behaviour. 

But what happens if you just choose to agree with it? 

Agreement Is A Disarming Force, Indeed.

I have just finished reading Bono’s book, Surrender. For the non music lovers or younger audience, Bono is the lead singer of the group U2, and he’s one of the most successful musicians of all time. In his book, Bono is quite open about his faith. He calls himself ‘a follower of Jesus.’ But as you know, pinning any label to your chest opens you up to judgement and criticism. Bono says the way he gets around this is to own up and assume the label of the hypocrite. If anyone challenges him about how he walks his faith, he agrees. He beautifully says in the book, ‘I am a follower of Christ who can’t keep up.’ I like that. Living into labels is tiring. Especially when so many have a different version of what that label should be. Hold the label loosely and keep your identity small. 

Let’s make this even more compelling or potentially provocative. Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr shares these words… 

“I am not who you think I am. Nor am I who you need me to be. I must be nothing in order to be open to all of reality and new reality. Being nothing has a glorious tradition. When we are nothing, we are in a fine position to receive everything from God.” 

We are deep. And these words are potentially contentious and easily misunderstood. And yet, within them I have found freedom. When I bolster my identity, I find myself having to prove to myself and others my ‘stripes.’ If intelligence brings me self-worth, then I need to prove my intelligence by hustling and demonstrating how unintelligent everyone else is. If someone insults my intelligence, then I am most likely to be defensive. But what if I disarm this by making intelligence obsolete –  a topic that’s not interesting or of value? Does that put me in a place of freedom, or in Rohr’s words, in a place to receive everything?

Let’s go to a recent Seth Godin blog. Consider these words. 

“The time we spend fretting over what just happened is time we’re not spending on addressing the problem itself. When your client or your boss turns down a great idea, it’s tempting to focus on the idea and how right you were. It might make more sense to try to find empathy for the fear and status issues that the client has instead. Because those issues probably got in the way of them ever seeing what you had to say.“Okay, that happened.” Now what?”

Allow Feedback to Take its Rightful Place In Your Life

Imagine I took Walter’s words to heart and spent the rest of the evening trying to prove to him that he is wrong and rude and that in actual fact I am very clever. Suddenly, beautiful Tuscany and the newness of culture available for experience, here, right now, would fade, and it would become all about me. What a waste. Godin challenges us to view progression as being found in ‘being present without judgment to the way things are, seeking new paths forward.’ When we do this, it becomes easier to suspend judgment and move towards letting go of ego. 

Now let’s slow down and be a little bit more cautious. This blog is not about ignoring feedback. Feedback is one of the most valuable gifts another can give us and needs to be considered from a place of sobriety. Especially if there is a pattern to the feedback. Feedback is always best digested from a place of ‘I have nothing to prove.’ Which is achieved best by releasing the ego.

This enables a changed stance to how does this feedback improve me. I like that. Can I move away from the need to prove my worth and towards the notion ‘how does this improve me?’ When feedback is put in this place, it works. 

Our next night in Tuscany was spent in an Italian kitchen making (amongst other things) our own lasagne from scratch. It was an amazing evening of great company, wine, dancing, and friendship. Mandy got our two Italian chefs to dance to Mafikizola. We have it all on video. But wait….are you ready for it – who was our head chef? Walter. 

We dined and connected and towards the end of the evening Walter approached me and gave me a hug as if I was his prodigal son. His comment from the previous night was still somewhat a mystery, still unexplained. And yet if I was his most stupid person in the world, it was clear to see this had no impact towards his fondness of me. We had an unforgettable, truly wholesome, deeply connecting experience.   

Be Less Offensive. And Take Less Offense.

A final question I ponder is, “was this a message lost in translation?” I don’t know. Walter, whilst not fluent in English, certainly made his way around the language with reasonable proficiency. After all, he taught us how to make lasagne. But I think this brings home the point even more.

 Misunderstanding is all around us. And when I become defensive to comments people make, the spiral goes downward, and getting ‘lost in translation’ now becomes deep and divisive. When I am unattached, there is no poison. Now we can move on, or move the misunderstanding to a place of understanding. We live in a world where we need to teach people to both not offend and to be less susceptible to taking offense. Both are important. 

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

The Power of Delegating in Effective Leadership and Business Scaling

The Power of Delegation in Effective Leadership and Business Scaling

Effective leadership is a dynamic force that propels businesses toward growth and success. Strong leadership is the ability to inspire, empower, and instil company values. But it goes beyond these qualities and hinges on a vital skill: the ability of delegating effectively.

The Art of Delegation

Delegating can be tough – after all, it requires entrusting important responsibilities into the hands of another. And yet without delegation of tasks, your business cannot scale. 

Delegation is more than just assigning tasks. It’s a strategic process that empowers teams, fosters growth, and propels business expansion. It’s a thoughtful process that involves identifying the right tasks to be handed over to the right team members and providing those people with the resources and authority needed to succeed. When you understand the art of delegation, you elevate your impact and bring many benefits to your teams and organisation. Here are some basic elements to delegating well.

Empowering Your Team

It empowers team members by giving them ownership and responsibility. When employees feel trusted and valued, their morale and job satisfaction improve, leading to higher engagement and productivity. Innovation is placed at the forefront as team members learn how to generate their own ideas for solutions and systems.  

Focus on High-Impact Activities

Effective leaders understand that they can’t do everything themselves. Delegating routine tasks allows leaders to focus on high-impact activities such as strategic planning, innovation, and decision-making, which are critical for business growth.

Building a Resilient Team

Delegation fosters skill development and cross-training within the team. As team members take on new responsibilities, they become more versatile and capable of handling challenges, making the team more resilient and agile. 

Scalability and Business Growth

Delegation is a key factor in scaling a business. When leaders delegate effectively, they create a structure that can accommodate increased workloads and business expansion. Delegating responsibilities allows leaders to create a scalable framework by distributing tasks across the team.

Overcoming Delegation Challenges

While delegation offers numerous benefits, there can be challenges to navigate: 

• Micromanagement: Leaders must strike a balance between providing guidance and allowing autonomy. It’s a fine balance, that needs to be done with intention. Micromanagement takes the value of delegation away completely – people become unsure about making decisions themselves because they know their decisions might be altered anyways. Micromanagement inhibits people from truly demonstrating their capability to deliver and succeed. 

• The Element of Trust: Some leaders hesitate to delegate due to concerns about losing control or the quality of work. When you delegate tasks, there’s a huge element of trust involved. Sometimes it’s hard to release things to people because of fear of failure. But failure is always on the path to success. Allow room for failure, as this ignites learning. Give people opportunities to growth into their tasks.

• Task Clarity: Clear communication is crucial. Leaders must ensure team members understand expectations and objectives.  Remember, clear is kind. Without clear objectives, people have to work off a whim of what the deliverables actually look like. This reduces confidence, clarity around what responsibilities belong to who, and innovation towards the responsibilities within their hands. 

It’s common to see leaders or managers that struggle to release tasks without one of the above factors creating challenges. What if the appointed team member fails with their responsibility? What if they misunderstand or don’t take it seriously? Providing clear objectives, responsibilities, tasks, and clarity around where there is freedom for innovation, allows people to move freely towards growth for themselves and in turn, growing the business. This is the power of effective leadership. 

Best Practices for Delegation

1. Identify Tasks
Determine which tasks can be delegated without compromising quality.

2. Select the Right Person
Assign tasks to team members with the skills and capacity to excel.

3. Set Clear Expectations
Clearly communicate objectives, deadlines, and desired outcomes.

4. Provide Support
Ensure team members have the resources, information, and authority to complete tasks.

5. Establish Checkpoints
Regularly check progress and offer support if needed.

6. Acknowledge Efforts
Recognize and appreciate the contributions of team members.

Let Your Leaders Lead, and Your Teams Grow In Capability.

In conclusion, effective leadership is closely tied to the ability to delegate tasks and responsibilities. Delegation empowers teams, enhances productivity, and lays the foundation for business scalability. By mastering the art of delegation and following best practices, leaders can drive growth, nurture talent, and position their businesses for long-term success.

Remember, effective delegation is a skill that can be developed over time. As leaders embrace delegation, they not only enhance their own capabilities but also cultivate a culture of empowerment and growth within their teams.

Ready to unlock your teams potential?

CAFE Life offers a broad range of workshops that foster personal and team effectiveness. Rich in social science, applicable practices and always tailored to your context. 

Reach out to use at hello@cafelife.co.za to learn more about our diverse workshops that can help your business and your people thrive. 

Rethinking How To Measure a Good Year
Categories
News

The Power Of Togetherness: 3 Practices To Deepen Connections

The Power Of Togetherness: 3 Practices To Deepen Connections
The Power Of Togetherness: 3 Practices To Deepen Connections

We live in a world of abundant information. A quick search online, and you might think you know all about someone. But this type of knowing is shallow and unrooted. Truly knowing someone for who they are can only be done through the act of togetherness.

If you could steal Steven Spielberg’s phone (famous movie Director for the non-movie fans) and gain access to his contact list, would that empower you to make a movie?
This is a thought from Seth Godin that I frequently entertain. Afterall, in that list would be everyone you need to create a brilliant blockbuster, right? But of course, those contacts alone are worthless.

When it comes to Steven, those contacts are undergirded by deep reputation and connection. The power is not in the number, but in the effort. It’s in the chemistry and the trust that has developed over time.  In today’s world, to steal a contact list isn’t that difficult. For a nominal fee you can buy a following.  But people don’t connect with you because you are on their list – they connect because you have connected.  

Shallow Reputation Vs. Deep Connection

In our modern world, many relationships suffer from shallow reputation. We might feel acquainted, but when you scratch beneath the surface you don’t know much about each other.

It’s not about what you know. But how you got to know what you know – that’s what counts. Anyone can learn shallow information about each other – all you need to do is Facebook a person. But deep reputation is founded on time, discovery, togetherness, and those messy moments of being in the trenches together. 

Shallow reputation can make us think we know someone. For example, I might see the rating of my approaching UBER driver and mistakenly assume trust. But that’s shallow understanding. Real trust is so much more.

In Stephen Covey’s book, The 8th Habit, a theme runs throughout his pages which conveys an uncomfortable thought. He says, ‘The majority of people in the workplace feel misunderstood. They don’t have voice.’

For a person to have voice, someone must first lend them their ears. Ears that listen and pay attention. We think we understand each other; but how much of it is built on assumptions and not tested?

This thought comes out powerfully in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Talking to Strangers. Gladwell says, “We think we can transform the stranger, without cost or sacrifice, into the familiar and the known, and we can’t.”

What is the cost and sacrifice? It’s the time we give to understand another. To listen. To suspend judgement, being humble and curious together. You don’t get this by stealing a name. You get this because you are serious about quality relationships. 

How does this help us? Well, to start with, we need to recognise that when people resist us, or don’t respond to our phone call, it might not mean that they are ‘bad’ people or that there’s something wrong with you. It might be telling you that this connection requires investment. And that relationships, no matter how much our world changes, still hinge on age old principles of togetherness. 

The Power Of Togetherness: 3 Practices To Deepen Connections

The Three Practices of TOGETHENESS

The practice of silent presence

Some of the best relationships we have are those that welcome quiet togetherness. This somewhat old and awkward quote from Thoreau highlights this. He says, 

‘In human [interaction], the tragedy begins not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.’ 

Today we would probably use different words, but Thoreau’s point lands. I’m sure we’ve all experienced those moments of social silence. Automatically, we wonder if something is wrong and sense discomfort.  Afterall, a common belief is that talk means progress. But there’s something beautiful about a mutual comfort in the absence of words. There is no expectation of ‘doing’ or ‘proving’ anything. And we don’t need to talk to be seen. Only simple acceptance and appreciation for presence.

Now, silent togetherness is not found in two people who are quietly on their phones together. Quiet togetherness revels in the other persons presence. Where we are fully engaged, with gratitude for the bond that exists which isn’t complicated by the need to speak.

It’s quite hard to explain, but I think you know the kind of connection I’m describing. There is an energy and wholeness found in this silent togetherness. It’s like listening to a piece of music and appreciating the subtleties rather than singing the song. 

If this is something you struggle to find ease in, start practicing it with those you feel most connected to. For a few minutes, simply be present. Sense the power of your togetherness without distracting it through words. You might even try this in a team meeting, allowing the silence to create the awareness of US. Sure, your team might feel uncomfortable at first. But doing this highlights a most powerful principle: we speak best not through our mouths, but through our non-verbal appreciation for each other. 

The practice of empowering others

Sometimes we do need to be rescued. But most often, what we need is not answers that solve our situations. We need attentiveness that gives permission for expression. Listen to these two quotes from the mouths of epic wise men. 

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”  


– Henry Nouwen  


“Beginner’s mind is a posture of eagerness, of spiritual hunger. This is a rare feeling in today’s treacherously seductive culture however, because it is so immediately satisfying it is hard to remain spiritually hungry. We give answers too quickly, take away pain too easily, and too quickly stimulate.”

– Richard Rohr

Both of these quotes deserve to be pondered; there is so much within them. Sometimes we think friendship is about solving, fixing, and saving others. But true friendship is found in a place of togetherness, where each enables the other’s expression.

How many friends do you have that sit in silent observance of your sometimes confused thoughts? Who seek not to correct nor redirect, but simply support you in your growth journey. Is this becoming a lost art? When we regain this art, we advocate connection. 

The practice of embracing disagreement

I know it sounds strange and contradictive. But the reality is that deep friendships are the ones that master the art of disagreement. For so many years, I saw conflict as something to avoid. After all, Harmony is often thought to be found in shared opinions. But I don’t think that’s true. Harmony is found when you care so much about another, that you’re willing to challenge them to take things deeper. Here are a couple of quick thoughts to share context: 

  • My ideas don’t improve because you agree with them. My ideas improve because you challenge me to deeper my levels of thinking.
  • When we care and respect each other, we enable the free flow of information. This does not limit voice. It enhances voice. More voice means more perspective, which in turn means more disagreeableness. Great relationships see this as energy for change and progress, not something to avoid. 
  • Great relationships are less about ‘judged and be judged’ and more about ‘learn and enable learning.’ 

This is why therapy can never replace friendship. In true friendship, both sides add value by sharpening each other through active engagement. Disagreeableness without care may lead to separation. But when it’s infused with love and consideration it energizes, challenges, and fosters growth.

The Power Of Togetherness: 3 Practices To Deepen Connections

R.E.A.C.H. - The Art of Togetherness

We have spoke about many elements of connection today. There is much to digest. A lovely way to summarise it all is to think of it in the acronym of R.E.A.C.H :

R – Relationships built on deep reputation and connection: The power of connection lies not in the number of contacts we have, but in the effort, chemistry, and trust that develops over time. 

 

E – Ears to listen and eyes to see: True understanding and trust are built when we invest time and effort. Getting to know others deeply, suspending judgment, and being humble in our interactions.

 

A – Absence of words, presence of minds: Practice the art of silent presence, where the relationship thrives on being fully aware of the other person and appreciating their presence without the need for constant talking.

 

C – Careful not to rescue, but to empower: Instead of rushing to provide answers and solutions, embrace the art of attentiveness. Give others the permission for expression, simply offering support on their journey of growth. 

 

H – Harmony through embracing disagreement: Embrace the concept that deep friendships are built on challenging each other to deeper levels of thinking; enabling more perspective, and energizing change and progress.

In essence, R.E.A.C.H. embodies the principles of building meaningful relationships based on trust, understanding, and authentic togetherness.

There are many other factors that foster deep connection, but these three practices really speak to me.  They remind me of how technology can never replace presence. Sometimes this presence is silent, sometimes it’s the observance of another’s expression. And sometimes it’s the expression of disagreeableness. All of these are needed to build true, lasting, beautiful togetherness. 

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

3 Steps To Creating A Powerful Weekly Work Plan: The Irreplaceable Tool For Success

3 Steps To Creating A Powerful Weekly Work Plan: The Irreplaceable Tool For Success
3 Steps To Creating A Powerful Weekly Work Plan: The Irreplaceable Tool For Success

How many of us can raise our hand and say we are victims of our daily to-do list? I think plenty of us, not excluding me. It can slaughter our plans and keep us on the treadmill, racing after impromptu emails and last-minute requests. The problem with letting our to-do list lead us, is that our priorities are often not seen to – in work, and in life. But there’s good news. We have a powerful weekly work plan that can help you hop off the treadmill for long enough to set your compass to north. 

The Foundation: Understanding Priorities, Roles, and Goals

In the pursuit of success, effective planning and time management play pivotal roles. While daily planning is a popular approach, there’s a number of reasons why weekly planning is a more powerful framework. And it comes down to priorities, roles, and goals. 

Priorities

Some of our priorities shift weekly, even daily. Others are deeply rooted and unwavering. 

Priorities are not just the things we consider to be “urgent” – but also the things we consider to be “important”. 

Some of our priorities will be both, such as a big presentation or a looming interview. Neither can necessarily be procrastinated on (urgent) and both may have a big impact on your future prospects (important).

Other priorities are only urgent; like the last-minute favour your colleague asks for. Whilst on the other hand, some are not urgent at all, but very important. Such as spending time with your growing kids, nurturing your wellbeing, or investing in your health. None of those need urgent attendance, but all of them are incredibly important in the long run. 

3 Steps To Creating A Powerful Weekly Work Plan: The Irreplaceable Tool For Success

Roles

We all wear many hats throughout the day, each coming along with their own set of responsibilities. 

Here’s some examples:

– Parent
– Spouse
– Colleague
– Creative thinker
– Project coordinator
– Individual
– Sibling
– Volunteer worker


Here’s where priorities meet roles: you often have to choose which role you want to prioritise within your day. And that can be pretty hard. I can only think of countless moments where I’ve had to choose between a role in work and my role as a mother – always to be left with a stinging sense of guilt no matter which I choose.

What’s the best way to get past that? Incorporate your goals.  

Goals

Ah, the unavoidable word: goal. The things that drive us, keep us in focus, and act as our compass. Goals can sometimes be overrated, but can never be underestimated.

When our goals or envisioned future outcomes are the force that drives our actions, then our roles and priorities can begin to collaborate.

For the purpose of this blog, we’re going to think of goals in a dual perspective of both future and “next step” achievements.

The future goals will drive our next steps, and short-term prospects, enabling us to make sure we are paying attention to that which is not only urgent, but important, too. 

How to Form A Winning Weekly Work (And Life) Plan

I’ll take this moment to state that the following weekly work plan process is fully inspired by Stephen R. Covey and his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

When I heard his process, I felt myself nodding along with profuse realisation that I’d been doing it all wrong and in consequence, my to-do list owned me. I’ll be breaking his process down into a step-by-step guide so that you, too, can experience that joyous moment and start this incredible journey for yourself.

To make this process even more efficient, you can download a template spreadsheet for your weekly work plan here.

3 Steps To Creating A Powerful Weekly Work Plan: The Irreplaceable Tool For Success

1. Define Your Key Roles

2. Define Your Goals for The Next 7 Days

Make sure your week is organised from a principle centred base. Think of the roles you will play that are most important, and write these down.

As I mentioned, we have many roles we play, so think of this in a sense of the bigger picture, but also in the sense of the key roles you know you’ll need to play in the coming week.

Here’s an example:

– Parent
– Spouse
– Home maker
– Writer
– Project manager
– Content creator
– Individual

 

3. Schedule Your Week Around Your Goals

Look at each role and select two or three results that are most important for you to accomplish in each role within the next 7 days. This will be context based and should revolve around the priorities you know you need to set for the week ahead, as well as supporting your future prospects.

Once again, here’s an example for you:

– Parent: quality time, behaviour building guidance with Resilience In A Box
– Spouse: Dinner date on Friday, reading a book together
– Homemaker: Reinforce a sturdy routine, Dinner at the table on weekdays
– Individual: yoga minimum 3 times this week, personal time minimum once this week
– Creative contributor: Write 2 blogs, all social media captions up to date
– Project manager: Create monthly reports for clients, communicate campaign strategies
– Content creator: Design upcoming poster, deliver well-polished content

Here’s the part where you look at each goal and physically schedule time in your week to achieve them. The intent of this is that your daily tasks that arise will fall around your prioritised goals and not keep you from them. Block out time and days in your diary and make them specific. 

Examine your calendar for the week ahead:

  1. Identify available time slots and potential conflicts.
  2. Assign specific dates and times to dedicate towards each role-based goal.
  3. Prioritise important tasks that align with your long-term vision.
  4. Ensure a balanced distribution of time across roles to foster holistic development.


It’s important to Integrate your role-based goals and time allocations into your daily planning, and craft a daily task list that aligns with your overarching goals and priorities. Ensure that your daily tasks support your weekly goals and contribute to long-term success.

Things To Consider When Crafting A Weekly Work Plan

Unexpected events are inevitable. It’s important to remain flexible and adaptable when these arise, because there’s no way to avoid them. Just make the necessary adjustments to your daily tasks, while keeping a focus on your role-based goals.

There are so many benefits of weekly planning. You’ll find increased clarity, reduced anxiety around important tasks that should’ve been pre-planned for, and more focus on what truly matters. Your productivity will become optimised and you’ll feel a great sense of achievement in having more say over your week.

Not only that, but now you can proactively build your relationships and foster personal growth. 

Incorporating Stephen Covey’s weekly planning tool into your routine is a transformative and empowering practice to elevate your success. By identifying your primary roles, setting role-based goals, and allocating time to focus on them, you empower yourself to achieve holistic growth and productivity. Effective weekly planning harmonizes your daily tasks with your priorities, propelling you towards long-term success. 

Remember, success is not merely a destination, but a journey that requires conscious planning and intentional action. With effective weekly planning, you equip yourself with a roadmap to navigate the week ahead, making each day count towards your long-term aspirations. Embrace this powerful practice and unlock your full potential for success.

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Building Bridges, Breaking Silos: The Path to Effective Collaboration

Building Bridges Breaking Silos
Building Bridges Breaking Silos

Are there any significant achievements that can truly claim the title of ‘I did this alone?’ Most often, progress, achievement and even meaning are found in effective collaboration rather than the lone individual. Even when it might appear to be the brilliance of one, we invariably find the influence and support of others, even if it’s nestled in the subtleties. The essence of humanity is about ‘us’ and ‘our.’ This humanity defines our achievements and innovations, as well. When we take this into consideration, we unveil one of the basic principles of success: ‘who is in your corner?’ 

The True Value of Collaboration

I have seen the word “collaboration” on the values posters of many organisations. And it makes sense. The world in which we live demands outcomes that can seldom be achieved by one person or one team alone. 

And yet, one of the biggest obstacles within the corporate world is evident in the common phrase, ‘break silos.’ The inability to work together, to share ideas and information, and to jointly challenge each other to become more effective and impactful, hurts organisations. In addition, the new problems of our world need diverse thinking and not group thinking. 

These problems cannot be solved with traditional answers and singular viewpoints. They need thinking that challenges, finds new ways forward, and is stimulated by the divergent thought of others. 

These two reasons and many others, mean that having the word collaboration on your values poster is probably a must. But what’s even more urgent, is to turn the poster into a daily dance – collaboration in action. 

Building Bridges, Breaking Silos: The Path to Effective Collaboration

Why Do Efforts To Collaborate Fail In Organisations?

So here’s the big question. What underpins effective collaboration? Or put differently, why do efforts to collaborate fail? There are many considerations to ponder here. These include competencies, learnable skills, and supportive collaborative systems. But our starting point, I think, is mindset. 

There are three critical mindsets we need to cultivate for collaboration to flourish. 

Value

If you believe that you have the answers and don’t need others, collaboration cannot work. Why collaborate if you don’t see the value the other person can offer? Collaboration is founded on a principle that people matter and that each of us rely on other people. 

When you don’t see the value of another person, you might go through the motions of collaboration such as asking questions and listening, but nothing really changes, because you only see your value, your contribution, your sacrifice. So, whatever the other person says is simply words. When this happens, people disengage. 

Sometimes it’s easier for us to see our own value. Focusing on our own ideas and noticing the sacrifices we make in the pursuit of objectives. When this is the focus, you notice your own preparation, and are aware of your intentions. You also know the experiences and knowledge you have that is supportive of the objective. 

The challenge with this mindset is that all the above may be vague to others in your team and therefore a blind spot, amplified by our own allusions of self-importance. This mindset stops genuine collaboration and hinders the realisation that others may know something you don’t know, have experienced something you have not experienced, and has unique value to add to you as well as the outcome. For some of us, collaboration takes us to deep rooted issues on how we see ourselves and those who occupy our world. 

Responsibility Bias

In Give and Take by Adam Grant, he talks about ‘responsibility bias.’ Responsibility bias is where you over emphasize your contribution to success and underestimate the contribution of others. 

An experiment was held where couples were asked to share the percent of contribution they feel they make towards the relationship. For most cases, when the individual scores of the couples are added together, the score exceeds 100%. In other words, most over value their contribution. 

To create collaborative environments, we need to become intentional about noticing what the others add to the magic and focus more on their value than yours. Remind yourself that everybody is your teacher and that everybody has strengths and cognitive abilities that you don’t have.

When you create the mindset of inclusive value add, you open the collaborative door.

Safety

Collaboration is handicapped when the people who are together don’t feel safe. The lack of safety causes defensiveness, and when you’re defensive, you’re always guarding what you say. Nancy Kline powerfully says…

“The quality of your attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking.”

There are many things that we do that lower our levels of psychological safety. Sometimes we embarrass people for their ideas, or simply reject them. Sometimes, we create a fear around failure. And who really wants to collaborate when the ‘stick’ is out? 

We also create low levels of safety when validation is low or biased, where others get credit for someone else’s contribution. The bottom line: how people feel directly impacts their contribution within collaboration. 

Linked to safety, is the environment. Environment is the invisible hand that informs behaviour. Some environments are simply not conducive to collaboration.

Years ago I was working with a management team in a leading South African medical aid organisation. The three leaders I was with were bemoaning the lack of responsiveness from their people when it came to collaboration around new ideas and operational efficiency.

 As we dialogued the issue, a somewhat small acknowledgment was made. These three leaders always sat together in the same chairs in the meeting. Their positioning represented a panel type interview. The three leaders and across the table, the rest. This small yet most insightful comment enabled a change to the environment which brought immediate results – so, change how and where you sit. 

When people feel safe, you open the door to collaboration. 

https://cafelife.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/2.jpg

Perspective

Finally, we need to create a mindset open to perspective taking. Perspective taking is the ability to see more and put things in their rightful place, giving it only the amount of energy it really deserves. Sometimes we give too much energy to something that actually needs to be let go; and other times, we can give too little energy to something that deserves more attention.  

An important perspective to maintain for encouraging collaboration is the feeling of winning. For another to feel like they are winning, requires that you understand what’s important to them. 

“As humans we hate losing even more than we love winning. A perceived loss triggers attempts to re-establish fairness through competition, criticism or disengagement, which is a form of workplace learned helplessness. We need to ask, “How can we achieve a mutually desirable outcome?” 

  • Source Unknown 

Effective collaboration needs to be about ‘us.’ Which means that what you want might not always be what another wants. When this happens, you need to seek to understand what another wants, developing a sense of purpose and if possible, a win-win outcome. But if someone feels the collaboration is lopsided in objective, why would one engage wholeheartedly in collaboration? 

This perspective will lead our collaboration into increased levels of empathy, where we consider the world by attempting to be in the shoes of our collaborative partners. 

When we do, we build trust. And when we have trust, we tend to collaborate. 

Collaboration Is a Way Of Thinking

So, if collaboration is on your poster, perhaps a starting point to gaining momentum in this value is a facilitated workshop that enables all of the above. Perhaps we need ‘conversation before conversion,’ where we refresh our mindsets to what is needed prior to the powerful outcomes of collaboration. That’s part of the mandate of CAFÉ Life. Let’s get the roots going deep so that fruit of collaboration can flourish. 

Learning the TEAMS lesson

Create A Collaborative Work Culture in Your Team

Contact us to explore how we can facilitate and empower collaboration within your organisation through our facilitated, team focused processes. 

Categories
News

Belief Systems: Unleashing the Transformative Power Within

Belief Systems: Unleashing the Transformative Power Within
Belief Systems: Unleashing the Transformative Power Within

Belief systems serve as the invisible forces that shape our thoughts, attitudes, and actions. They are the deeply ingrained frameworks through which we interpret the world around us and make sense of our experiences. From religious and cultural beliefs to personal convictions and values, belief systems play a crucial role in defining who we are as individuals and how we navigate through life.

At their core, belief systems are important because they provide us with a sense of identity, purpose, and direction. They serve as guiding principles that influence our decision-making, shape our behaviours, and determine the outcomes we manifest. By offering a set of core values and perspectives, belief systems help us make sense of the world, find meaning in our lives, and establish a sense of belonging within our communities.

How do we form our core beliefs?

More often than not, our belief systems are formed sub consciously and impacted by our experiences, and the way we internally process this. You could say that our belief systems inform our behaviours, responses, and opinions.

A great way to  visualise this would be to look at the NLP coaching concept of ‘internal maps’:

Belief Systems: Unleashing the Transformative Power Within

Image credit: evolution training

It is essential to take a closer look at our belief systems because they play a direct role in our well-being and success. Understanding your current belief systems allows you to gain insight into why you think and act the way you do. It is a journey of self-discovery that requires reflection and introspection.

How to start influencing your internal belief systems

To begin this exploration, we can start by identifying our current belief systems and evaluating whether they are healthy and empowering or limiting and self-sabotaging. This process involves examining the beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and the world at large. Are your beliefs serving you positively, encouraging growth, and fostering resilience? Or are they holding you back, reinforcing self-doubt, and creating barriers to progress?

By engaging in honest self-reflection, you can uncover any limiting beliefs that may be hindering your personal and professional growth. These may include beliefs such as “I’m not smart enough,” “I don’t deserve success,” or “I will always fail.” Recognizing these negative patterns is the first step towards transforming them.

Strategies to develop healthy belief systems

Developing healthy belief systems requires conscious effort and intentional rewiring of your thoughts. Here are some strategies to help cultivate positive belief systems and rewrite unhealthy ones:

  1. Awareness: Start by becoming aware of your thoughts and the beliefs that underpin them. Notice any recurring negative patterns or self-limiting beliefs that arise. Likewise, notice the positive ones that are empowering. Take it a step further and write these down on a daily basis. Soon, you’ll inevitably see patterns emerge.
  2. Challenge limiting beliefs: Question the validity and accuracy of your beliefs. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support them or if they are merely based on assumptions or past experiences. Look for reasons to believe that you can overcome them through remembering past battles won and challenges overcome. Use this newfound evidence to replace negative beliefs with empowering ones.
  3. Reframe experiences: When faced with setbacks or challenges, reframe them as opportunities for growth and learning. See them as stepping-stones on your journey rather than insurmountable obstacles. Start to ask yourself power questions like:

    – What is this moment teaching/offering me?
    – What would be a remarkable response to this?
    – What true, underlying value can I use to inform my response to this?

  4. Surround yourself with growth-inducing influence: Seek out positive influences, supportive communities, and mentors who can inspire and reinforce healthy belief systems. Engage in activities that boost your confidence and self-esteem. Remember that asking for help is not a weakness – it is a part of the road to success.
  5. Utilise empowering mantras: Think of the empowering beliefs that you want to instill in your life and use these to create  affirmations, mantras, and visualizations to reinforce positive beliefs. Repeat these life-giving words that align with your desired beliefs and visualize yourself successfully embodying them.
  6. Take inspired action: Desire without action is merely a nice thought. Take intentional steps to act in alignment with your desired belief systems. Challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone, take calculated risks, and embrace opportunities for personal and professional growth, remembering to always keep your core values at the centre of decisions.

Remember, belief systems are not fixed; they can be shaped and transformed, and often they change as our life seasons do. By consciously cultivating healthy belief systems and rewriting unhealthy ones, you unleash the power within you to create the life you truly desire. Embrace the journey of self-discovery, challenge your beliefs, and watch as new possibilities unfold before your eyes. You have the power to shape your reality and manifest your dreams through the transformative force of belief.

Are you ready to create healthy belief systems in your work culture?

Contact us to have a free discovery call and find out how we can help you!

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Belief Systems: Unleashing the Transformative Power Within
Categories
News

Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.

Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.
Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.

Value add, or value creation, is a term that has been around for a long time and a term that I don’t think is going to run out of destiny. The whole concept of business and employment revolves around this concept. We exist to impact in line with a purpose. Anything other than this is just a hobby. In a profit-based organisation we employ you to add more value than you cost the organisation. But can you even measure value in the workplace?  

Changing work environments add to the complexity of this subject.

There is much conversation around ‘work from home’ or ‘work from work.’ I have found some dogmatic advocates for both philosophies. Some shake their heads with annoyance just at the notion that people can be trusted to do good work from home. Whilst others are equally animated in declaring that home is a ‘right,’ and home enables work.   

I’m sure this debate is only at its infant stage and will take on many further twists and turns as technology advances and our world seemingly moves from one crisis to the next.  

I believe that work primarily is not defined by a place but by an experience and an outcome. Sometimes this outcome and experience are place dependent with little room for compromise, but regardless, what matters is what we produce. And this impacts the overall effectiveness of a team, aswell.  This is well captured by author and consultant Tony Schwartz who says…

‘It is not the number of hours that you put into your work that determines your productivity, but rather the value you create during those hours.’

Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.
Can you measure value add in the workplace?

Well, I don’t think it’s an easy ‘push the button’ answer for most professions. But there are appropriate contexts to consider when asking this question. Here’s what I believe are the most important four:

1. We add value when we have intimate knowledge

There is this beautiful scene in the movie ‘Shall We Dance’ where Mrs. Clark puts the womanizing private investigator in his place. She asks him, ‘why do people get married?’ He replies with confidence, with passion. She responds….

‘Nope. Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage you are promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time, every day. You’re saying your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”  

Mrs Clark values her relationship with John Clark because he has intimate knowledge of her. He makes the unimportant and mundane, important. We live in a world where knowledge abounds. All we need to do is Google a subject. And this has brought many benefits to us; and yet, there is a limit to public theoretical knowledge. When we find someone who has an intimate knowing and experience of our own dance, we find something priceless. An employee who just ‘gets it,’ who knows the dance of employer, and who knows what matters at a heart level, is more likely to be value adding than the guy who just doesn’t get it.

To demonstrate your value, demonstrate knowledge of the soul of the organisation.
Demonstrate that you are not a clone, but rather a person who empathises and cares not only about the big issues but about the mundane yet important attributes that make an organisation what it is. 

2. We add value when we do what matters

Staying with the movies, lets go to that classic scene from Jerry McGuire where Rod, the professional athlete, passionately says to his agent Jerry, “show me the money.”

In this changeroom scene, Jerry is desperately trying to show Rod how busy he is, but Rod isn’t interested. Only one thing matters to Rod, and that’s the MONEY! I have learnt this simple yet profound insight: busyness is not a sign of effectiveness. All too often we equate the hustle as value, but hustle in the wrong direction is worthless. Value multiplies when you prioritize what truly matters to others.  Seth Godin puts it like this…

“One of my books took more than a year to write, ten hours a day. Another took three weeks. Both sell for the same price. The quicker one outsold the other 20 to 1.

The cost of something is largely irrelevant, people are paying attention to its value.

Your customers don’t care what it took for you to make something. They care about what it does for them.”

Many years ago, as a young manger in big corporate, my boss taught me a valuable lesson that I’ve never forgotten. The lesson was a one liner. I was proposing investment in a project that would cost a couple million South African rand. She wasn’t uninterested, but she had one question. “Mike show me how this will make us sell more OMO.”

I was flabbergasted. My project had nothing to do with OMO washing powder, and yet what she was saying was, ‘we add value when what we do is aligned to what matters to us.’ 

Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.

3. We add value in the workplace when we deliver a trophy

Life is a sum of small and big moments where your breath is taken away. In the movie Hitch, actor Will Smith powerfully says,

“It not how many breaths you take that matter, but rather how many times your breath is taken away.” 

It doesn’t matter what you do or how mundane your job is. All of us have within us the ability to deliver a trophy where success is celebrated and the world changes. Sometimes it’s the creation of a new performance record, and sometimes it’s the idea that transforms something as small yet relevant as the organisations canteen area. 

The question that’s really at stake is, what will you be remembered for?  

All too often, too many people have lived a corporate life of resigned compliance. Never changing or shifting something within the organisation to enable it to be better, more impactful, more connected. Trophies require challenging the status quo with the intention of making things better. 

Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin delivered a trophy when they focussed on the value add of search, rather than seeing search as a commodity. In doing so, they changed our lives, and the way we embrace and access information. 

Trophies tend to take us away from status quo, challenging paradigms, moving the world forward. Sometimes they are huge and sometimes they are small. But they all add up to shifting normal and creating some form of movement into ‘better than before.’ 

4. We add value in the workplace when we bring a little bit of magic

All of us are replaceable. There are thousands and thousands of people who can do what you do and probably even more effectively. But when you add a little bit of your own personal magic into what you do, you potentially become indispensable. 

This magic often has nothing to do with the professional skills you bring to your job.  Most often its grounded in character, personality, and subtle shifts of endearment. Author Edith Eger of the bestselling book ‘The Choice’, says,

“Only you can do what you can do the way you can do it.”

Have you ever heard somebody say something like, “I know I can get it cheaper/better, but what (name) brings to us, far out ways cost or outcome.”

Think of the movie Forrest Gump. Would you want Forrest on your team? You could probably name a few reasons why you would not want him – professionalism, etiquette, etc. But then think of the gift he would bring. The gift of no limitations, of innocence, passion, and childlike playfulness. Think of how those qualities transform work and are often priceless. 

“Miracles happen every day. Some people don’t think so, but they do.” 

  • Forrest Gump 

Adding value in the workplace requires that we allow strengths to shine and that we show up with good intent, willing to take the high road. As per Mary Anne Williamson’s words, it requires that we…

“…ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” 

Value is found in this type of magic, this type of strength. People who show up to impact the world in which they live, positively. 

Are You Adding Value in The Workplace? Here’s 4 Simple Ways to Measure.
So let’s recap. Are you adding value in the workplace? Well…
  1. Do you have intimate knowledge of what matters to those who employ you – their dance – and does this knowledge demonstrate itself? 
  2. Are your actions meaningful? Are in line with what matters to those who employ you? 
  3. Are there trophies in the cabinet that have your name on? Or to put it another way, will people remember what you did, when you are no longer there?
  4. Do you bring a ‘kind magic’ into the workplace? 

The above might not be scientifically measurable, but ask those around you, and you will probably have a better answer than what science can deliver. 

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Why Everyone Needs A Mentor In Their Corner

Why Everyone Needs A Mentor In Their Corner
Why Everyone Needs A Mentor In Their Corner

A mentor is a trusted and experienced advisor who provides guidance, support, and wisdom. This person serves as a role model and shares their knowledge and expertise to help you develop personally and professionally.

When you have a mentor, they’ll help you navigate challenges and opportunities, offering feedback and encouragement, and providing a safe space for you to explore your goals and aspirations.

The relationship between a mentor and mentee is built on mutual respect, trust, and a shared commitment to learning and growth. A mentor is an invaluable resource for anyone seeking to develop their skills, knowledge, and confidence in any area of life.

A Mentor Enables You To Succeed

Richard Branson is a larger-than-life personality, admired by many people in the business world. He is the founder of the iconic Virgin brand, and in South Africa, thousands flock daily to his gyms, and hundreds board his Virgin Atlantic flights to go abroad. How does one become like Richard Branson?

Nelson Mandela is one of the most prominent people of the 20th century. He is admired around the world for the values and leadership he displayed in his fight against apartheid. Stories of Madiba abound in leadership journals, and his name still echoes in the corridors of business and beyond. How does one become like Nelson Mandela?

One of my favourite movies as someone growing up in the 80s was The Karate Kid. This “feel-good” movie tells the story of a teenage boy named Daniel who gets bullied by all the macho boys. The movie ends with the one special attacking kick, where Daniel gets his revenge on the bullies, by becoming somebody and winning the local Karate competition. How does one become like Daniel LaRusso?

Why Everyone Needs A Mentor In Their Corner

What Does A Mentor Really Do For You?

When we examine the lives of people we admire, nestled in their character and habits, we find similar traits. For example, courage. 

Meaning and achievement always have a hard part, where one must push through fear, setbacks, and suffering. Likewise, those we admire tend to demonstrate a willingness for effort. Seldom is anything of value found or achieved, where the person in question does not demonstrate a willingness to push themselves to engage in effortful learning. Hard work most often is the friend of the achiever.

Can you think of anyone you admire who, in some form or another, displayed admirable qualities?

And what traits did the above mentioned mentors have? For The Karate Kid, it’s a bit of a giveaway: 

• Daniel had Mr. Miyagi. The old Japanese master who playfully taught him everything he knew. 

• Richard Branson had David Beavers. A friend of his parents who would meet a young Branson weekly to discuss commerce and entrepreneurship. 

• Nelson Mandela had the Regent. He credits his adopted Father for teaching him all his leadership lessons.

And we could carry on…

• Michael Phelps had Bob Bauman 

• Henry Ford had Thomas Edison

• Mark Zuckerberg had Steve Jobs 

• Bill Gates had Warren Buffet 

• Michael Jordan had Phil Jackson 

• Cheryl Sandberg had Larry Summers

The Principle Is Simple.

To achieve, we need not only to develop virtues like discipline, tenacity, and excellence within ourselves. We also need, and possibly even more importantly, people in our lives who influence us, who share their stories with us.

In his book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell powerfully communicates how anyone who achieves phenomenal success does so because of factors like who is in your corner. Think about these two powerful quotes which probably sum up his book.

“The values of the world we inhabit and the people we surround ourselves with have a profound effect on who we are.”

“It’s impossible for someone who has achieved outlier success to look down and say that I did this all by myself. The outliers are products of history, of community, of opportunity, and legacy. Their success is not exceptional or mysterious. It is grounded in a web of advantages and inheritances, some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky. But all critical to making them who they are.”

The people we surround ourselves with have a profound impact on who we become, and we are products of the community. Invariably, there is a link between a person’s contribution and someone who influenced that person.

Why Everyone Needs A Mentor In Their Corner

The Impact Of Mentors Can Be Life changing

A landmark experiment began on the Island of Kauai in 1955, tracking the development of the 698 children born on the island that year until the age of 40. Over a third of the children were born into poverty or faced family discord, and two thirds developed learning disabilities and other behavioural problems. 

However, the research paid careful attention to one third of the group who grew up to be confident, competent, and caring despite these challenges. What accounted for their resilience? Genetics played a role, but social support made the difference. 

Children who were able to bond with a mature, nurturing, emotionally stable caregiver had an advantage, whether it was a parent, substitute parent, older sibling, grandparent, aunt, or uncle. As they got older, these children learned to rely on trusted community relationships such as teachers, pastors, neighbors, church members, or the parents of their friends. They recruited helpful adults outside of their own family. (Source: Vivek Murthy) 

It’s fascinating that these children only needed one person to show them love and care, becoming their mentor. 

A mentor is someone who shares their story, path, and most importantly, demonstrates care and connection.

In a world with so much knowledge, what we often need is someone who can make that knowledge practical and who is a living witness of what is possible.

The world can be a scary place. And perhaps what we need most is to receive and give stories of hope and practice. We should never walk alone.

Who do you need to invite into your corner, and whose corner should you be in?

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Why character is important in life and how you can reshape it

Why character is important
Why character is important

“That’s just who I am; I can’t change.” How often have you heard someone speak these words? And how often have you uttered them for yourself? Character and personality can often be confused with each other. Whilst personality is fairly embedded in us, character is influenced by a variety of factors and can, indeed, be reshaped. This can influence so many areas of our life it’s hard to comprehend – By tapping into character development, we can tap into our natural strengths and unlock potential. That’s why character is so important and needs to be evaluated. 

What is personality?

Before we dive into the influences of character, let’s get clear on what personality is. Personality is the mix of nature and nurture.

This means that it’s made up of what you’re born with: such as your temperaments like energy levels, adaption to change, and emotional responsiveness and curiosity.

But according to the personality models referred to by Psych Central, it’s also influenced by your environment. They go on to explain this saying, “the foundation of your personality is your biology. Your experiences and environment help you develop other aspects of your personality from that point on.”

As you read this, you might be feeling a hint of despair; you may have come to this blog, seeking for hope that a certain habit or default trait of yours can be rewired. Don’t lose hope just yet – personality only plays one role in our total responses and behaviour towards the world. 

What is Character?

Why character is important

Character is the values, ethics, and behavioural approach you apply within your personality. It’s built through time, experiences, and how we choose to respond to given circumstances.  It can therefore be established through these experiences. This means that displaying good character is something we can learn. 

Our personality will always effect our character, however. For example, if a character trait of yours is a firm belief in workers equality, your personality would impact the nature in which you take action. So, you might act in a quiet manner by writing an anonymous letter to your boss or signing petitions. Or, you might take action by speaking out publicly or starting initiatives.

But here’s why character is so important: it is influenced by far more than just your personality. There is a concoction of factors that shape our character and inevitably, shape us.

Yes, Character Can Be Changed

In some ways, character is a fruit of other deeply rooted aspects. you see powerful reflections or blind spots of our character when you face adversity. You may find yourself act in a way that disregards your deeper morals, therefore revealing a blind spot where perhaps a habit has created a default response.

Character is also what you consistently do, and therefore character is how you show up on good days as well. To judge a person purely on their low days can be a mistake. We all have those moments when life has been adverse, and we haven’t handled it as well as we could’ve. To reduce a person’s character to those moments can be unfair, and a mistake. Who of us wants to be judged by those moments alone?  

Siya Kolisi gives a good example of the importance of character. In his book Rise, he says, “I had too much fame and money before I had the character to handle them.” A great perspective of character is to think of it as your watch dog, observing the many trappings and temptations of life. But it needs to be developed in, and through, the process of life.

The Factors That Influence Your Character

“Watch your thoughts for they become your words. Watch your words for they become your actions. Watch your actions for they become your habits. Watch your habits for they become your character and watch your character for it becomes your destiny.” ~ Lao Tzu

This quote highlights that character is an outcome of how you think and how you behave. So, to change character requires a change in thought, words, and habits. This quote offers a nice way to dissect the factors that influence our character.

Why character is important

Thoughts and words

We become what we think. When your thoughts percolate for long enough, you begin speaking them out loud. And words have power – they tend to reaffirm our internal beliefs. If you find yourself feeding the thought that you are unworthy, your default stance will be from that space and you might miss the many signs of love and appreciation people offer to you.

If you want to change your internal beliefs, take control over your thoughts and words. Start to intentionally combat negative thoughts with empowering truths that breathe life into your mind. Use words to materialize these things and search for the evidence of this truth in your daily experiences.

Actions

“Your habits shape your identity, and your identity shapes your habits.” This fantastic quote from James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, reveals just how powerful tiny changes can be in our lives. Our actions become our habits – but if we change our habits, they influence our actions. For example, let’s say a characteristic of yours is that you greatly taking care of your health. But your actions and habits have completely abolished your sense of wellbeing. Create habits that encourage healthy actions; make sure your healthy snacks are placed in a visible space, that you carry a water bottle with you, and you remove the temptation to eat sweets by simply not buying them. Do this for long enough, and our healthy actions will form healthy habits.

Habits

“Your habits shape your identity, and your identity shapes your habits.” This fantastic quote from James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, reveals just how powerful tiny changes can be in our lives. Our actions become our habits – but if we change our habits, they influence our actions. For example, let’s say a characteristic of yours is that you greatly taking care of your health. But your actions and habits have completely abolished your sense of wellbeing. Create habits that encourage healthy actions; make sure your healthy snacks are placed in a visible space, that you carry a water bottle with you, and you remove the temptation to eat sweets by simply not buying them. Do this for long enough, and our healthy actions will form healthy habits.

Develop Your Own Character

Now you know that you have more in your hands than you may thought you did. What can we do with that knowledge? We can take action, investing in the type of character we want to create and inevitably the type of life we want.

In Give And Take, Adam Grant talks about 3 reciprocity styles. He doesn’t use the term character, but it definitely relates to the importance of character. And in some ways a type of character that we so need in our world today is the style he calls a ‘giver.’

Character is important enough for us to spend intentional time developing it. Not only does it improve our work life, but our personal life too. Take a minute to define the type of character you most want. Then, ask questions that support this development, such as “what habits and mindsets are aligned with such a character? Create a description of the behaviours that would be useful in your character development, ultimately asking the powerful question, “who is the person I want to be? How do I want to show up?”  

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team
We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

The biggest predictor of sustained achievement in the workplace is the level of engagement your team has. Control leads to compliance, but engagement leads to the unearthing of potential. It energizes a path of mastery. To discover how to create an engaged team, we first
need to explore why trust matters in your team.

Connection Impacts Trust in Your Team

Research highlights that there are a couple of prominent elements, or levers, that create engaged staff. These are intuitive, and none of them is surprising. Simply ask yourself the question, ‘when do I feel totally absorbed in what I am doing?’ and chances are you’ll name
one of these prominent levers. Engagement is most often a function of…

    • Meaning or purpose: What I do connects me to something important to me and possibly greater than me.
    • Growth and development: What I do stretches me appropriately (we call this manageable difficulty), causing motion in developing skills or gaining experience.
    • Feedback: I see the link between my effort and reward, where the reward is not necessarily monetary. My hard work shifts things in a visible, desirable, and focused direction.
    • Connection: I feel part of something, and my sense of belonging is grounded in trust.
We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

If you follow us on social media, you’d see that much of the content we’ve been putting out lately has been focusing on the last lever – connection. Simply put, connection cannot be overstated in the workplace. Connection is what enables you to navigate difficult and
changing environments, and it greatly impacts how much to trust in your team.  

How Connection And Trust Are Interconnected

Connection protects us from discontent. As per the Grant Studies, a comprehensive research project by Harvard, connection keeps people happy throughout their lives. When people are disconnected in the workplace, their ‘defence system’ is on high alert, disabling them from
doing their best work. Instead of focusing on external opportunities, the focus becomes an internal threat, characterized by acts of self-protection. 

In Siya Kolisi’s book Rise, he expresses the initial awkwardness he felt when he was first contracted to the provincial rugby team, the Stormers. The world he found himself in was unknown and foreign. The changes were so extreme that it was loaded with overwhelm and
confusion. 

How do you survive when the ground beneath you is liquid? The answer is simple: you need a friend. Siya describes the impact of simply having another by his side, and the power another brings to navigating change. Also new to the Stormers was Scarra Ntubeni. Scarra
found himself in a similar position to Siya. Journeying the uncertainty and change with a companion multiplied their resilience and strength. It highlights how resilience within change often depends on whether people within the organisation have friends who can walk along their side through the storm.

Social Science Proves the Importance Of Trust

I was fascinated by an experiment I discovered in Adam Grant’s book Give and Take. Perhaps my fascination antennae were heightened by the fact that I am a Manchester United supporter. Yes, I know, some of you want to stop reading this blog. But please stay with me. 
The researchers conducting this experiment wanted to see what impact a ‘common tribe’ has on kindness. Psychologists in the United Kingdom recruited Manchester United fans for this experiment. 

The group had a tour of Old Trafford (the home ground of Manchester United) and then walked to another building outside the ground. Whilst walking, a runner would trip whilst passing them and writhe in pain, clutching his ankle. For some groups, the runner wore a Manchester United T-shirt. For some, a plain T-shirt. And for others, he’d wear a Liverpool T-shirt. What do you think happened? Let’s hold our breath on that one for a while.

Factors That Impact Trust in Your Team

Many years ago, a dear friend of mine introduced me to a concept called ‘trust builders, and trust breakers.’ Ever since then, I have constantly used this concept in workshops. The basic notion is that each of us has certain expectations of others. When people meet those expectations, trust is built. When the expectations are compromised or not met, trust diminishes. 

For example, if I expect people to greet me by my first name, smile, and be interested in how I am doing, then they would build my trust every time they do that. Another example would be time. For some people, this is a big trust builder. To this person, when they say “let’s meet
at 15h00,” they mean it. Arriving at 15h05 is trust-breaking behaviour. Do this often enough, trust is broken. 

Most of us expect that if you wear the same T-shirt as me, you have my back, and I have yours. The same T-shirt brings an expectation of trust-building behaviour. The results from the Manchester United T-shirt experiment are as follows:

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

The Result Of The Manchester United Social Science Experiment?

When the runner was wearing a Man U T-shirt, 92% of people helped. They engaged in trust-building around their common identity. When the person wore a plain T-shirt, the help decreased to 33%. When it was a Liverpool T-shirt, it dropped again – to 30%. The results
show a significant principle in the human psyche – people who wear the same T-shirt support each other. 

What was interesting about this experiment was the modified version they conducted. During the tour, these groups were primed around the benefits of football and what they had in common with all football fans. In this instance, the falling Liverpool T-shirt runner received
support 70% of the time. Now the commonality was not a local club, but the tribe of football.

How This Experiment Relates to Your Organisation

If we are a part of the same organisation, what are the implicit expectations most people would have of each other? That’s a good question worthy of much pondering. If you wear the T-shirt of an organisation called XYZ, would you naturally expect someone else who wears
the same T-shirt as you? The answer is YES. Because you trust your team, there would be an expectation that if you fall they have your back. And there would be an expectation that your team doesn’t do things that hurt this organisation. For the football fans out there, have you
noticed how fans can get pretty upset about owners who are perceived to be engaging in activity that threatens the name, status, and potential of the club?

5 Simple Expectations Most People Have In An Organisation, Because They ‘Wear the Same Shirt'

    1. Don’t talk behind my back. Don’t gossip. We ‘wear the same T-shirt’, which should permit us to talk to each other about any concerns between us.  
    2. I have a voice and my voice needs deserve equality with yours. You wouldn’t shut my voice down – I’m on your team.
    3. Fairness. don’t treat some people as more important than others. We all occupy a seat on the same side of the stands.
    4. Don’t lie to me. After all, we are ‘family.’ Be open, and be transparent, even when the news is tough.
    5. Respect. The fact that we wear the same shirt should allow us to have levels of accountability towards our common purpose, demonstrated and guided by our culture.

When you recognise that an organisation invites people to share a common T-shirt, you meet one of the deepest needs in people: to belong. This belonging leads to protection, kindness, and a desire for each other to thrive and live to their potential. The visible T-shirt enables
people to show up and thrive. When the opposite happens, you wear the same T-shirt but don’t show care. This disables good work and causes us to go backwards and can even become frenemies.

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team

What’s A Frenemy And What Does It Have to Do with Building Trust in Your Team?

Do you have people in your life that are sometimes for you, and sometimes against you? In other words, they are inconsistent. When you’re with them, they sometimes praise you. But another time they might embarrass you, reject you, or are harmful to you. This results in you
feeling threatened because you don’t know how they’re going to show up.  The research shows that we are more comfortable with enemies than with frenemies. With an enemy, you know what to expect, and you don’t expect help. But with a frenemy, you are uncertain. Therefore your defence system is heightened. 

When you gossip in the workplace, you create uncertainty. Gossip in the workplace is a frenemy characteristic, and it confuses. We are wearing the same shirt, but we are doing misaligned behaviours that create threats and lower engagement. That is why culture in an

organisation is so important. It defines expectations based on our commonality. Good culture recognises expectations and how dangerous frenemies can be. Remember a frenemy is someone that wears the same T-shirt but demonstrates trust-breaking behaviours.

Trust Is Built When You Feel You Belong

So, let’s sum this all up. Do we want engaged people? Yes, we do. Without engagement, we don’t thrive. What creates engagement? People who wear the same T-shirt live into what that means. When we wear the same T-shirt but our behaviours do not foster trust, we curse
ourselves into mediocrity. 

We violate the fundamental principle that we need to belong. And belonging means we are cared for. In your organisation, make it clear to your people what wearing the T-shirt means, and get tough on discrepancies like gossip, disrespect, dishonesty, and other behaviours that
break the fibre of the T-shirt.

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team
Categories
News

Experience Breakthrough by Embracing Humanity – Two Words That Change Everything

Experience Breakthrough by Embracing Humanity - Two Words That Change Everything
Experience Breakthrough by Embracing Humanity - Two Words That Change Everything

“You’re only human.” A common notion that is thrown into many contexts. And although there is a tendency to misuse this idea to justify wrong doings, it is a powerful concept to comprehend. Once you start embracing your humanity and shed the expectation for perfection, something starts to unfold. A powerful truth emerges; one that can be summed up in two words that change everything.

Two Words That Change Everything

In his book Greenlights, Matthew McConaughey shares about a transformational experience he has. As a young actor, Matthew experienced an incredible surge of success that should have brought feelings of elation and confidence. But instead, he felt underserving. That this was too good to be true, and that he was an imposter who simply got lucky.

In desperation he visited a retreat and spent three and a half hours walking in through a desert with a spiritual advisor, Brother Christian. He unloaded his soul, dumping his guilt and unworthiness. At the end of the walk, Brother Christian had still not said a word. With Matthew weeping and waiting his judgment, Brother Christian replied after much stillness, and whispered two words, that transformed everything and empowered the actors forward motion.

In his book The Power of The Other, Henry Cloud shares a painful business story from his own life. In a nutshell, the narrative goes as follows: Henry bought a business and entrusted someone to run the concern. A year into the business, Henry discovered that instead of receiving an anticipated cheque of profit, the business required a cheque of rescue. It was floundering and in debt with no immanent cash inflows. He shares in quite descriptive detail the pain of shame and remorse for being so stupid, for being so hands off, and for his distant trusting stance.

Whilst in this shameful state he gets the phone call he has been dreading. His trusted mentor, a successful role model who taught him everything about business, has called to ask him how he is doing. He cringes as he shares his sad news, his failures of entrepreneurship, and decision making and rigor. But when he puts the phone down, he is renewed and back in the game. Two words have transformed everything.

What Does Embracing Humanity Really Look Like?

Have you ever asked or pondered the question, ‘what does it mean to be human?’ It’s a deep
question; the kind that you can’t find an answer for on Google. For some it might seem too esoteric, religious, or spiritual, and for others it might feel irrelevant or inconsequential. But the power of the question is found in its collectiveness.

Over the past few years, I have experienced a growing understanding of embracing humanity. You are human, I am human…and what does this shared humanity mean or imply? Whilst I might consider myself unique, which I am, I am also grafted together with the rest of world in the commonality of our humanity. But what does it mean at it’s root?

It means we all have…

 The desire to survive
 Cravings; for meaning, belonging, achievement, food, companionship.…
 Feelings and emotions of fear, vulnerability, failure, anger, loneliness….
 Feelings and emotions of happiness, joy, excitement, gratitude….
 The ability for consciousness, mindfulness, contemplation, prayerfulness…
 The ability to love and hate, to be generous and greedy, to dream and despair…

We could go on and on, but what strikes me about being human is how paradoxical our nature is. Humans are complex yet simple, beautiful yet fragile. Capable of both love and harm; a hybrid of positive and negative, alive with faith and doubt. To be human is to embrace our shared and complex paradox.

This grapple is made clearer for me by a statement from psychologist Susan David. Susan says that we often have what she calls ‘dead men goals.’ Goals that are focused on bliss, pure enjoyment, no fear, no anxiety – it’s the description of superman. But she powerfully reminds us that the only people who don’t feel hurt, angered, embarrassed, fearful, or anxious, are dead. In other words, to be human is to wake up one morning fully confident in your ability, where the world is a great and wonderful place, but the next day feel doubtful, shameful and overwhelmed. To be human is paradox. Because of this we need strategies. We need tools, we can develop, and we need to make room for both the joy and the pain. And we regularly need to be reminded of two words.

Perfectionism: The Opposite of Embracing Humanity

One of my big battles in life has been the continuous background music of ‘it’s got to be right; it’s got to be perfect.’ This is a destructive game that prevents self-compassion and connection. Within the strive for perfection is the dangerous focus on ego that compares my success, my possessions, my moral standing, and my intelligence to the person next to me. After all, it can’t be perfect if someone else is better at it than me.

This state equates the expectancy of being human to some God like status. Here, being human is about success and achievement in comparison to others. Here, what I do, is always judged by what others will think and say. The quest here is to be superhuman. This is not all bad, but it can lead us down a dangerous path of seeing my humanity in comparison to others rather than shared with others. I grew up in the Christian faith, and I note with intrigue that the prayer that defines the Christian way, is plural not singular. It’s about OUR Father, and OUR daily bread, and OUR transgressions. Is it possible that to be human is first and foremost an identification with US rather than I? When I recognise this, perhaps I won’t take myself so seriously. Perhaps I will find liberation from the strive for perfection. I love these words from Richard Rohr that give some insight into these scrambled thoughts:

‘My life is not about me, I am about life.’

So, What Are the Two Words That Change Everything?

In the business world you often need to give people feedback. Sometimes, you need to engage some difficult conversations. But in all this, you want to speak up in ways that earn you credibility, build relationships, and inspire others to grow. Just like the words spoken by Brother Christians to Matthew McConaughey and Henry Clouds mentor. What should we express or what should we remember as we prepare and engage another?

Well, it’s these two words that have the potential to transform. And by the way, it’s the same two words that started a revolution in the last few years. Have you worked it out yet? They are two, simple and short words:

Me too.

The only words that Brother Christian gave Matthew McConaughey are the two simple short words of ‘me too.’

Clouds mentor expressed with compassion, ‘me too.’ I might have been successful, but ‘me too’ … I have made wrong judgement calls. That is our shared humanity. Any difficult conversation you hold with another, should hopefully come from the premise of the other person being ‘human just like me.’ When we do, it’s no longer a competition, or a quest for super star status. It simply being human; being us.

Connecting with my humanity is not an excuse. It’s the recognition of paradox, and the celebration that as humans we have within us the power to choose, to change, to support, to love. Research has shown that when we embrace our shared humanity, we are more likely to own our mistakes, to move in the direction of healing and restoration, to be vessels of love and hope. When we no longer need to prove and compare, we can be workmanship for good works, for life.

Where do you need to hear the words ‘me too?’
Where do you need to share the words ‘me too?’

Categories
News

How To Reflect On The Year Right – A Gift Worth Giving Yourself

How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year
How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year

Answering questions like these are helpful. You want your presence to contribute to forward motion, where you can look back and see your life portraying some form of positive progression.

Creating Growth Through Self-Reflection

How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year

There is no greater contributor to helplessness and hopelessness than being stuck. Hope is the fruit of forward movement. The second focus of this blog is the invitation to pause and ponder. But even more so than this, is my primary invitation: self-compassion as you reflect on the year.

‘When we trash ourselves, we don’t find the motivation to change.’

These words come from South African-born author and psychologist Susan David. They remind us that in our reflection, we need to adopt a stance that enables healthy digestion of our experience that supports motion.

Contemplation and mindfulness towards your year are powerful tools when embraced from a from a place of self-care. When it isn’t, your insights can become tangled in webs of “should haves” and “could haves” that make you feel berated and small.

Reflection must be honest and kind. It should energise you towards using the opportunities in your hand. It must move you towards a growth mindset, where you can say, as Nelson Mandela did, ‘I never lose. I either win or learn.’ So how do you reflect on the year in a way that does this?

Adopting the Right Mindset Towards Reflecting on the Year

How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year

By nature, I can be quite hard on myself and I know I’m not alone. Neuroscience seems to demonstrate that we have a greater capacity to remember what went wrong versus what went right. Failure and uncomfortable events stick like Velcro in your consciousness, even if you’re naturally positive.

For example, someone might share 9 points on how well you did something, and rave about your success. But what do you most remember when you lie in bed that night? The 10 th point, which was the only so-called negative feedback. The feedback that highlights where there is room for growth and opportunity to step up.

All too often, we believe our work must be perfect. And when it’s not, there is this underlying voice of failure. The review of your year must come from the premise that ‘dirt is good.’ That perfection is not the name of the game, and that meaning and progress exist because there are opportunities for growth.

‘There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets through.’
– Musician, Leonard Cohen

As you ponder and reflect on the year, there are 3 typical postures that you might adopt. Each of these postures is necessary, but two of them need to be kept in their place.

The Place for Shame and Regret

How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year

Chances are, 2022 was filled with missed opportunities. There were probably some responses and choices that were not part of the plan. When your mindset is focused on shame and regret, you berate yourself for these choices and missed opportunities. There is the temptation to say, ‘don’t go down this path – be positive, and eliminate shame.’ But that is not necessarily useful advice either. Imagine living in a world of no shame and no regrets. It would be a highly destructive world. This point is beautifully captured in the writings of Martha Stout. She says,

“Imagine — if you can — not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings of
guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the
well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no
struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind
of selfish, lazy, harmful, or immoral action you had taken … You can do
anything at all, and still your strange advantage over the majority of people,
who are kept in line by their consciences, will most likely remain
undiscovered. How will you live your life? What will you do with your huge and
secret advantage.”

We want politicians to feel shame for their corruption and selfish choices of power. And all too often we watch on as they choose to deny and defend that which should bring shame. Without shame and these so-called negative emotions, we cannot move forward. But the shame is only useful when it’s put in place.

It isn’t helpful when we let it linger and become like rainy weather that just keeps pouring. Instead, it needs to be like the South African highveld thunderstorm: short and powerful, followed by light and clarity. To live is to accumulate regret, disappointment and “should haves”. These need to make us stronger and wiser, not depressed. There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets through.

The Place for Ego

How To Reflect On The Year Right - A Gift Worth Giving Yourself. reflect on the year

Hdealthy self-esteem is essential for navigating life well. Self-esteem focuses on building a healthy identity, where you know who you are, what your core values are, and what you stand for. A solid baseline of self-esteem is critical when you self-reflect.

When you reflect on the year from an ego posture, you consider how well you achieved, and how you have lived into your values. You can ask how you differentiated yourself, how you progressed, and how you have strengthened my authentic self.

This posture is so necessary. And yet, as you read the words above you might pick up on the shadow of this stance. Too much self-focus or ego can lead you down a path of narcissism, selfishness, and even hatred. In his book Everything Belongs, Richard Rohr says,

“The ego is the habit of seeing ourselves over and against someone else. To
my ego, my wealth, my intelligence, my moral goodness, and my social class
are what they are only in contrast to the person next to me.”

The Tibetan word for identity means “to hold onto oneself as a fixed personality”. This fixed identity can make you feel superior and in control, where you seek to bolster and elevate yourself above others. A strong sense of identity is good; provided it’s not used to elevate yourself above others and restrict growth.

Too much emphasis on self-esteem can cause you to reflect on the year based on other people’s years. And the moment you compare, you tend to move into despair. When you’ve set out to prove yourself, it can become hollow. Here, you’ll never feel good enough. And the only way to feel good is to consider how you are at least better than the next guy.

Many years ago, I got caught in a late-night traffic jam as I headed home along the highway from Durban city. The DJ on the radio highlighted that there was an oil spill about 5km from where I was. His advice was, “avoid the N3.” Too late for me. For the next two hours, the traffic hardly moved. But when it did, my focus was on the blue Toyota next to me. Success was measured by whether I was in front or behind him. Sometimes, with despair, I would note how his lane enabled him to be a few cars ahead of me. And I would delight when the movement in my lane allowed me to pass him. Rather pitiful, isn’t it? The reality was that none of us were getting home quickly. Comparing myself to him was a shallow objective.

A Place for Self-Compassion

This is the most powerful and most needed of all the postures. When you move into self-compassion you take responsibility for your year, normalising both the successes and ‘failures’. To normalise these means you see the ups and downs, the highs, and the lows, as part of being human.

In his book The Power of Regret, Dan Pink says that “to live is to accumulate regret.” And Susan David, says, “The only people who don’t feel hurt, angered, embarrassed, fearful, or anxious are dead.”

To be human is to love, doubt, fail, succeed, cry, rejoice, fear, conquer, persevere, quit, sleep, exert ourselves, say no, and say yes. All of these and many more are part of our year. To live well includes a blend of so-called positive and negative experiences. To find grace in all of these empowers us to learn and grow. Self-compassion leads us to ‘speak to ourselves, in a way that we would speak to someone we love.’ It doesn’t dismiss the error but rather seeks to rise from misgivings. Self-compassion is what we need above all else as we reflect.

So, as you reflect on the year and all it has been, be easy on yourself. Allow this grace to propel a strong stance into 2023.

Categories
News

Bounce back from failure with these 5 reliable practices

bounce back from failure
bounce back from failure

It is an all-consuming feeling: You’ve mustered up hope, confidence, and everything within you to take a leap and try something great. But you fell short. You failed. Your heart has dropped into your stomach and left you with an overwhelming sense of shame, disappointment, frustration, and defeat. Can there ever be a way to bounce back from failure? It might not feel like it right now, but the answer is YES, of course, there is.

Facing The Fear of Failure

bounce back from failure

Let’s put our bravado aside for a second, so we can be honest. It’s okay to fail – we’ve all done it. And yet, the social stigma of failure is so sticky, it seems impossible to shake off. Success is so highly praised, and others often don’t see the hard work and misses that happened to get there. And so, we applaud the success, and pull shade over the failures.

But this has come with a danger. It’s taught us to believe we must achieve without falling. And yet, we know that failure is found on the road to success. We know that we cannot achieve until we’ve learnt how to bounce back from failure.

Eloise Ristad is a talented author who so powerfully said,

“When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.”

It is important you face your shortfalls head-on. And when you do look them in the eyes, you will find an undiscovered treasure waiting for you.

Own It And Find Meaning

Susan Howatch is another incredible author. In her book Absolute Truths, she makes a showstopping statement:

“In the end, every major disaster, every tiny error, every wrong turning, all the blood, sweat, and tears, everything has meaning. I reuse, reshape, recast what goes wrong.”

I understand that sometimes, it can take an extensive amount of refining, reshaping, and reusing in order to find meaning. But it’s in there. Often time is needed to unveil it.

Where to start? Kick it off with some good power questions:

  • What went well?
  • What didn’t go well?
  • Is there something I need to do differently next time?
  • What do I need to take ownership of?
  • Do I need to let go of something?
  • Am I telling myself untruths?
  • What unexpected positive came of this?

It’s important to move past shame as quickly as you can. Nothing good comes from staying in that ditch. Brene Brown is a professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host who has done an extensive amount of research on the negative repercussions of shame. In fact, if there were anyone I’d want to hear from on this subject, it would be her. Here’s what she has to say on the matter:

“We desperately don’t want to experience shame, and we’re not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we’re afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.”

Take ownership of your feelings and actions. Face them, embrace them, sit with them for a bit, and then move through them. This is the first step to bouncing back from failure.

bounce back from failure

Dig into Your Support Structure

Talk to trusted advisors, gain insight, reflect, be vulnerable, and gain perspective. As soon as you start to become vulnerable, you’ll see that you’re not alone. That colleague who appears so well put together has faced a number of failures. So has your CEO, friend, and family member.

Sometimes you may find that a mentor is your biggest asset for moving forward. If
this is the case, be sure to choose them wisely and be transparent about what you’re

asking them to do for you. Demonstrate your seriousness to work hard and take their advice to heart, so that the mentor knows you’re not wasting their time.

You might say something like, “I deeply value your insight and opinion and the road you’ve walked inspires me. I feel like the best thing for me to do right now, is to find a mentor to help me learn and progress and bounce back from this failure. Would you be open to becoming my mentor?”

Reconnect to Your Unique Path

Remember that great childrens movie called Spirit, about the wild stallion who was captured? In this movie, they tried everything to break the stallion in and make him forget his wild, roaming roots. But the horse refuses, holding sternly onto his free spirit and eventually making it back to the place he belongs. His purpose is what drives him, far beyond the challenges that come his way.

When you connect to your unique path, comparison fades away, and your purpose takes centre stage. Now, it’s as if you’ve guided your vision to focus on that which matters most. Your unique path.

When you’ve been shaken and need to bounce back from failure, you’ll need to reflect on your path and make sure you aren’t wandering from it. Looking back on what’s happened and forward to your purpose, remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place. Does it feel like your actions are aligned to this purpose? Does it still feel worthwhile to try again?

What if the answer to these questions is NO? what if you need to call it quits on this specific venture, and raise the white flag? It’s important to know when to persist, and when to quit …both are equally as powerful. If you choose to persist, spend time clarifying the specific behaviours, actions, attitudes or principles that have not been helpful and need shifting. Then focus on these. If you decide it’s time to put down the sword and surrender, it’s important to move through the process and make sure you use everything, so it has meaning. And remember, just because this venture ended, doesn’t mean you can’t start another.

What's The Next Best Step?

After brewing and moving through your initial emotions, it’s important not to get stuck. You need to take a step and make a start, no matter how small.

You’ve taken the time to process your initial emotions. You’ve invited people in to support you, and you’ve pondered on whether what you’re trying to achieve is authentic to your values. Now, you need to ask, “what’s the next best step?” We’re not looking for giant leaps and bounds. Just for the next foot forward. The power of making a start is that it triggers forward motion. Once you’ve taken that step, just focus on the next one. Before you know it, you’ll be flying.

bounce back from failure

Know The Hard Part

After facing failure, you’re likely more prepared for the hard part now than you were before. It’s important to know what the hard part is because anything with great meaning has one. By knowing the hard part, you empower yourself. You place the decision in your hand as to whether it’s worth enduring or turning around.

You know failure has happened, and it’s bound to happen again. So, don’t be surprised when it does! Instead, use your experience to inform what approach you need to take. And use every failure, big or small, to shine light on your next action. When we know that failure is eminent, that it’s not a bad thing, and that hard parts are to come, we have given ourselves a better chance of success in the long run.

Here are the 5 steps you can take to bounce back from failure

  • Take ownership and find meaning
  • Dig into your support structure
  • Reconnect with your unique path and purpose
  • Clarify the next best step
  • Know the hard part. Don’t be surprised by it

And remember, shift happens...eventually

Nothing lasts forever. The storm will eventually pass. And if you or your team are struggling to bounce back from failure, you don’t need to walk this path alone. You can let CAFE Life be your experienced guide and mentor in moving you through change management, team effectiveness, and creating a thriving work culture.

Remember your unique path and authenticity through all of this. What value are you adding to the world by doing this? What is your purpose driven goal? Whenever you feel shaken, simply return to this, reminding yourself of your reasons to believe, and your unique path. There is no shame in failure. If you failed in trying to do something great, it represents a bravery far beyond those who never tried anything at all.

Categories
News

To say winners never quit is WRONG…instead, they know when and how to do it.

To say winners never quit is WRONG...instead, they know when and how to do it
To say winners never quit is WRONG...instead, they know when and how to do it

The saying “winners never quit” has been thrown around with much weight and certainty. I have heard that line so often, and it’s hardly ever argued. Instead, it’s asserted.

This saying is often seen as an absolute truth, with no room for doubt or question. I have had people in workshops become quite defensive when the suggestion of quitting is made. Well-considered individuals, with sternness and confidence state that they don’t have a ‘quitting bone’ in their body. Come ‘hell or high water’ they push through. This badge of honour is proclaimed as the cornerstone of their success and cultural heritage and often reasserted by the leaders in our workplaces.

But is it true that winners never quit?

Grit is a wonderful quality. Without grit we fail to achieve anything of worth, because facing hardships and overcoming them is a necessity within that pursuit.

Grit comes from passion. Seeing passion demonstrated invariably inspires. Joseph Campbell articulates this beautifully when he says,

‘Passion will move men beyond themselves, beyond their shortcomings, beyond their failures.’

We want passion. We need passion. Without it, the world wouldn’t move forward. But can there be too much passion? Is it possible that unbridled passion can lead us away from wholeheartedness? The answer is a clear YES, and I’m sure you’re probably nodding in agreement with me right now. 

And yet, “succeed at all costs” runs deep within the bones of organizational systems. And whilst most the time we need to be cheerleaders of tenacity and determination, sometimes you need to know when to quit. Sometimes, the best answer is not to persist. Quitting is underrated. To believe winners never quit is wrong. You can learn how to lose like a winner, too.

What are good reasons to quit something?

To say winners never quit is WRONG...instead, they know when and how to do it

I wonder how much regret people have today, that would not exist, if the option of stopping, or changing direction, was considered more carefully. Have you ever been in a hole, and your passion for continuance, just made it deeper? If you are in a hole…stop digging. Because in the end, the prize for grit and determination is shallow if the outcome is not positive.

“The escalation of commitment ” is a term used to describe our stubborn actions to keep seeking focused achievement, even when the signs are showing we should stop or reconsider. The drive to continue often comes because we have already invested so much into getting a given outcome – this is commonly known as “sunk costs”. Coupled with pride and the desire to protect our reputation, we, like the fiery bull terroir, bite down and don’t let go. And so, the hole gets bigger.

Famed Norwegian explored, Amundsen, was the first man to reach the South Pole. He believed that bad luck is often the result of insufficient preparation, and famously said,

“When conditions are not right, it is better to turn back rather than rely on hope and luck.”

We live in a world where our reason for doing anything is to get somewhere or achieve something. This is certainly the western mindset. This obsession about outcome can dim our attentiveness to what is here now and to our purpose. We focus so much on the result that we miss the process.

When we are mindful of the process, we begin to find subtleties that are missed when all the attention is on outcome alone. When this focus is shifted, suddenly we notice our environment more. Suddenly, our perspective is opened and might even lead us to a bold awareness: that more often than not, our perceptions are wrong.

Consider this most amazing thinking by author Seth Godin:

“Which is better: Feeling like you were right the first time or actually being correct now? When we double down on our original estimate, defend our sunk costs and rally behind the home team, we’re doing this because it’s satisfying to feel as though we were right all along. On the other hand, if the outcome is important and we’re brave enough to learn, we can say, “based on when we know now, we should change course, because the other path is actually a better way to go forward.”

More often than not, there are moments when we’re wrong. We can either acknowledge that we were wrong yesterday, or we can curse ourselves by choosing to be wrong going forward. Flexibility in the face of change is where resilience comes from.

Some have said that the willingness to change our minds is a sign of genius. And often, changing your mind is more difficult than holding onto your first thoughts or ideas. To thoughtfully change your mind you need a willingness to consider other information and changing events. It’s far easier to simply hold your course and ignore what’s going on around you. To deny and become attached to your way of thinking. Mental agility is the willingness to embrace context and to refuse prefabricated solutions and methods. 

When to quit and how to lose like a winner?

When do we quit and when do we grit? This is not always easy to answer, and this is where the BIG word wisdom comes in. Here’s some questions you can ask to gain some: 

  1. A pattern of quitting is telling you something.
    When quitting is a default, you need to add more grit. You might also need to carefully consider what you commit too. A history of quitting lowers your confidence and leads to quitting getting a bad name. If you find yourself in a downward spiral of quitting, begin to set small, short-term goals that stoke the hunger for achievement and completion. As human beings we need to experience the feeling of getting trophies. No trophies in the cabinet will bring us down.

2. Your reasons for quitting should come from quality questions like…

  • Has achieving this goal become less important or relevant to you?
    Sometimes, what you are chasing becomes less relevant, due to changing circumstances. For example, good corporate strategy is often founded on a set of assumptions. But sometimes, we discover that those assumptions are wrong. To persist with the strategy, would now be costly or even detrimental. Polaroid went bankrupt, because they refused to quit the strategy on instant photography, within an emerging digital world.                                                                                                                                                                           
  • Does my pursuit of this achievement conflict with my most important values?
    Sometimes you embark on a journey, only to discover that it jeopardizes the values that you hold most dear. Here, achievement will be hollow, and probably accompanied with regret. Our values are great sources of clarity and act as a sturdy guide for what we must say no to – even if the journey’s already begun.
  • Are you confident that you can win? 
    The act of doing should create insight. Insight should influence your decision making. There are times where you must journey for a while before reaching the stop sign. For example, take a hiker who embarks on a strenuous journey. At the start she believed that she could do the journey. But as time goes on, she realizes that she was possibly over ambitious about it. In the movie Everest, we hear the tragic true story of a climber who would not quit, and whose actions caused not only the loss of his life, but others as well.                                                                                                                                                                                                   
  • How much of what you’re doing is about looking good?
    We all need a baseline of ego. But too much ego can cause you to follow a path that is destructive. Questions like, ‘why I am doing this’ and ‘who am I doing this for’ need to be pondered. American president Lyndon Johnstone had enough evidence that the Viet Nam war was unwinnable. Yet he kept sending soldiers to their death, refusing to become the first American President to lose a war. 
  • Where is the joy?
    Whilst we all know there are things that we do based on levels of duty, a life wholly dutiful leads you to despair. Desire is the engine that fuels success and achievement. And although there are many ways we can reignite the fun and joy, sometimes seasons end, and you need to let them go. They have lost their joy. Loyalty is a great virtue, but some things you are loyal to, may be the very things that stop you from moving into new and wonderful places. Some people refuse to quit their job, even though they hate it, and other options exist. The absence of joy is informative. Sometimes it calls for us to transform, and sometimes it calls for us to know when to quit.                                                   

    Finally, the absence of a quit resume might be an indication of compliance and resignation. Adam Grant powerfully says,

‘The more you value achievement the more you come to dread failure. Instead of aiming for unique accomplishments, the intense desire to succeed leads us to strive for guaranteed success.’

Still think winners never quit? It’s clear to see that outstanding achievement is always couched within an array of failed ventures. If two out of ten dreams come true, the failed 8 efforts you chose to drop are probably worth it. When we refuse to quit, we just might live into that prophecy by refusing to do anything that might test that resolve. It would be better to allow a venture to fail and leave when you need to so that you can gain insight and set your next journey toward success.

May you add to your hand the freedom of choosing to PERSIST, PIVOT, or QUIT. Each of these have their place.

Categories
News

The Real Reason It’s Important to Manage Expectations In Life And At Work

The Real Reason It's Important To Manage Expectations In Life And At Work
The Real Reason It's Important To Manage Expectations In Life And At Work

Expectations are a dicey subject. There have been expansive debates over how healthy they
are for relationships, workload, and personal well-being. And then, I had an experience that
really got me thinking about why it’s important to manage expectations.

It’s 7 pm in London. Two young women in evening dresses and high heels are running down
the road trying to flag down a taxi. 

 Ever since we were little, my older sister and I dreamt of watching the Broadway show
Wicked. We would sit in front of YouTube singing “Defying Gravity” at the top of our lungs,
word for word. Thanks to a well-due visit of mine to the UK, this dream was coming true for
us. Only it was not quite in the way we’d imagined.

Trains were delayed. Taking the bus would double the time it took to get to the theatre. We
were starting to worry that we could miss our show…and so, there we are, racing through
London’s streets, hailing down a cab. By this time, it had become evident that we’d be late,
and they could very well close the doors, which might mean we’d miss our show. This
possibility was dawning on us quickly. “No way,” I thought to myself, “We won’t miss it.
We just can’t.” To me, the idea of not making it on time wasn’t an option. 
 
 My sister shows me the time on her phone. 5 minutes before the doors close. “Can you just
stop here?” I ask the driver, seeing the traffic ahead and knowing that the theatre was just
down the next road. And so, we get out and start running again. Hairdos had come undone,
lipstick rubbed off, and all sense of elegance we had thoughtfully applied was thrown out the
window.

We were too late. Holding back tears, we nodded while listening to the security as they
kindly explained their latecomer’s policy meant we’d miss 25 minutes of the show. 

Once we made it to our seats, we had a wonderful time. But the whole experience somehow
felt tainted. This dream that finally came true was tarnished by tears and disappointment. It
wasn’t the fairy tale we’d imagined. This reality felt really sad to me, but it was nothing I
could change. The experience would forever be a disappointment…unless I let go of my pre-
set expectation.

 But how do you do that? And what does it take to manage expectations?

We were too late. Holding back tears, we nodded while listening to the security as they
kindly explained their latecomer’s policy meant we’d miss 25 minutes of the show. 

Once we made it to our seats, we had a wonderful time. But the whole experience somehow
felt tainted. This dream that finally came true was tarnished by tears and disappointment. It
wasn’t the fairy tale we’d imagined. This reality felt really sad to me, but it was nothing I
could change. The experience would forever be a disappointment…unless I let go of my pre-
set expectation.

 But how do you do that? And what does it take to manage expectations?

Expectations vs Standards

Although they can cross lines, these are not the same thing. A standard is what someone sees
as an acceptable level of quality. These are usually fairly personal, although they are also
commonly influenced by society. 
We often use standards to base our judgment of quality on one thing in comparison to
another. For example, if “good coffee” is to me only coffee that meets the standard of my

favourite coffee from down the road, I’ll use this to base my opinion on all other coffees I
taste to decide whether it’s good or not.

Expectations are slightly different. An expectation is what we believe, or expect, will
happen. For example, I might expect my cappuccino to taste as delicious as it always does.
But as I sip it, I’m met with heavy disappointment. The coffee is too weak, and it’s cold; not
what I expect from the place I set my standards against. It didn’t live up to my preset,
imagined experience.

Someone might argue that expectations and standards are tied and that standards inform our expectations. Whether or not it’s true, I think we can agree they are different in nature.

Expectations vs Reality

The Real Reason It's Important To Manage Expectations In Life And At Work

Because expectations are a reasonably firm belief that something will go the way we’ve
imagined, they can bring great disappointment when they aren’t met.

But here’s the catch. When an expectation isn’t met, we’re more likely to see others’
wrongdoings over ours and start pointing fingers. We begin to play the blame game, resisting
the idea that we had a part to play. But we can rectify this distortion by evaluating ourselves
and asking helpful questions such as,

– Were my expectations realistic, or unrealistic? Were they helpful, or harmful? 
 – Did I communicate my expectations clearly? 
 – What role do I play in this? 
 – In retrospect, what role should I have played in this? 
 – What is this expectation trying to serve for me – and is it helpful and healthy?

I’m going to give you two examples here, that we’ll revisit later in the blog: 
 
 1) A man comes home from work. He’s exhausted and expecting a clean home and cooked
supper, only to find a chaotic house and nothing on the stove. He is surprised because his
partner has been home all day. Feelings of disappointment and anger arise, as well as
thoughts that tell him the workload is unfairly weighing on his shoulders. 
 
 2) A woman arrives at work, feeling light in spirit and unbothered. She is expecting a pile of
work to be waiting on her desk from her colleague whom she routinely asks for help. This
colleague has previously volunteered to do the work, so when she finds out it’s not been
done, she is met with heavy disappointment, resentment, and frustration.

Expectations & Perspective

Expectations happen on a daily basis, and I don’t think there’s a way to escape them
completely. But what is important, is knowing how to manage expectations when they are
disappointed.  
Many areas of life are unpredictable. Remember, this world is a blend of billions of people’s
experiences and choices. Often, we need to create space for the unpredictable side of life to
unfold. Knowing things might not go as you planned allows you to prepare for alternate
situations. 

Loosen your grip on the expectations you have over unpredictable things. It is hard to do
when you feel like your expectation serves you. But by holding onto it, you can stop yourself
from moving forward into new seasons, opportunities, and experiences. The world is full of
spontaneous happenings. Don’t be surprised when one comes your way.

Expectations & Others

When it comes to expectations within relationships, we’re probably looking at one of the
‘birthplaces of bickering.’

Tony Robbins shares in his blog about healthy expectations within relationships that there
are realistic and unrealistic expectations within relationships. Realistic ones are generally tied
to things such as mutual respect, love, trust, appreciation, and intimate connection. We all
deserve these, and they are standards we shouldn’t drop.
Unrealistic expectations are ones that have not been communicated, do not include an equal
give-and-take, or expect perfection with little room for failure.

The Real Reason It's Important To Manage Expectations In Life And At Work

Tony Robbins says something incredible:
 “Turn your expectations into appreciation and your whole life will change.” 

So, let’s apply the above two principles of perspective and appreciation to the example I
shared about the man who comes home to a messy house and no supper.

Let’s say the man decides to gain perspective by paying attention and becoming aware of his
partner’s energy, who he shortly notices is looking very tired. He asks about her day and
learns that their child was sick and came home from school early. She then had a last-minute
meeting to attend that shortened the deadline on her project, meaning work had soaked up any free time she might’ve had to do other things. Perspective has allowed him to enter her world and painted a full picture. Appreciation is now free to flow and the man acknowledges the sacrifices and efforts she has undergone that day. Suddenly, the house and food don’t seem to be such a big deal. 

Appreciation is the antidote for resentment.

Expectation & Work

Work doesn’t exist without expectations from your colleagues, boss, and clients. And often
it’s important you meet them to maintain satisfaction and progress.

But expectations can be easily misunderstood if there is a lack of clarity around them. This
conversation takes us to a card from our product Resilience In A Box, called Clear Expectation.

In this card we describe a healthy way to manage expectations: 
 
 1) Create alignment. When something really matters, make sure you’re on the same page
by seeing and understanding another’s viewpoint.

2) Don’t assume the other person is at fault when it goes wrong. Consider the saying,
“The meaning of my communication is the response I get back.” Learn through your failings.

3) When you experience unexpected tension, test whether expectation gaps are at play.
If there are some, have a conversation to create clarity around these and communicate
whether these expectations can or cannot be met. It might be a tough conversation, but
vulnerability and transparency create trust. 

Communication is the key to creating healthy connections. Without it, we are left in a
jaded bubble of misinterpretation that is void of empathy and meaning.

Healthy Expectations vs Unhealthy Expectations

I think it’s clear that you can’t avoid expectations, and they do indeed have a rightful place
in our lives. As long as you keep them realistic by infusing them with perspective, appreciation, and clarity.

We can test this theory out by looking at the other example we gave. The woman who found
out her colleague hadn’t done the work she’d expected them to do for her, felt let down. But
let’s say that she took the time to create clarity by sharing her expectations. Her colleague
then explains that when he first volunteered to do her the favor, there was no clarity that it
was expected to be on an ongoing basis. This has given her perspective and allows her to feel
appreciation for the efforts her colleague has made to do her these favours. She now realizes
that this isn’t to be taken for granted and that she played a role in her expectations not being
met.

The Real Reason It's Important To Manage Expectations In Life And At Work

Let’s return to my first story, where my sister and I were late for our show. I needed to
accept that our experience wasn’t what I had imagined it would be. And once I did, it brought
with it a story that we laugh about and share, with many lessons along the way.

I love what Yuval Noah Harari says:
Happiness = reality – expectations.

A lot of unhappiness is a result of unclear, un-communicated expectations, or over expectation. People hide in vagueness. When expectations are not clear, it becomes very difficult to hold people accountable. The best way to predict success is to be clear on what success looks like. And every experience we have, whether it is what we’d hoped for or not, brings unique opportunities to embrace and learn.

Categories
News

Want Everyday Superpowers? These Are The Skills To Strengthen

Want Everyday Superpowers? These Are The Skills To Strengthen
Want Everyday Superpowers? These Are The Skills To Strengthen

 “What superpower do you wish you had?” This is a rather popular hypothetical question. It was asked at a conference I recently co-facilitated and got me thinking. I imagined the power of being able to take the world backwards so that we can fix it with hindsight. Imagine that – superman style. As I pondered this, I realized a big idea: there are everyday superpowers out there. We just need to know which skills to strengthen to achieve them.

In fact, I had just thought of one of those real-life superpowers. Others desired things like teleportation – the beam-me-up ‘Scottie’ type, where you reach your destination in an instant. Some liked the idea of walking through walls, and many wished they could make bad problems disappear, like hunger. 

All these desires, at least for now, are fantasy. But my concept of going back 5 minutes is achievable; just not in the mode of reversing time. It’s in the power of pause.  This superpower could erase that stupid comment, the uncontrolled emotional lash-out, or the WhatsApp distraction that propelled me into the braking car in front of me. 

We might not think of pausing as a superpower. But those who can pause their emotion, reaction, or temptation towards distraction, are to be envied. The pause has the potential to change so much and to avoid so much. And that is why it’s an important skill to strengthen. Psychologist Victor Frankl put it this way…

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

Growing your ability to create space between an event and your response, moves you into superpower territory. Especially in a world where the instant reaction is a norm. The power of pause is doable. It’s hard work, but if you get it right it’s like taking time back. Makes me wonder… what other superpowers are up for grabs, if we only looked at them through a different lens and discovered what skills to strengthen in order to achieve them?

Want Everyday Superpowers? These Are The Skills To Strengthen

Skills To Strength The Power of Context

Imagine being able to instantly know the context of a situation. When somebody reacts in a particular way, you understand their context and therefore you are able to judge, or not judge, from a premise of heightened perspective. 

It’s like that story Stephen Covey shares in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He speaks of a father and his boisterous children on the train. A fellow passenger is getting irate because this father is not noticing how disruptive and loud his children are. And when this disgruntled guy speaks up, he suddenly discovers context. This man has just lost his wife and the mother of his children to an illness. Now, the noise matters less. Now, with context, the response and emotion change. But imagine having had that insight from the start – what a superpower that would be. 

Maybe it’s more available than we realise. We just need to know the skills to strengthen, and maybe slow down a bit more in our responses. We live in a world of context crisis. Few people want to consider the unpopular notion that their first interpretation just might be flawed. 

Have you ever heard of a condition called the ‘trained incapacity of the expert’? It’s a rather fancy term for saying that the more familiar we get with something the less likely we are to engage in context around it. We…

Assume

Fail to notice subtleties

Don’t ask questions

Don’t doubt our knowledge.

Context is the ability to see more so that you might change your first impression. And when we have context, we increase our options of response. The good news is that to have this superpower you must strengthen some skills that are completely within reach: curiosity, mindfulness, and humility. 

Once again, these skills might take some hard and focused work. Whenever this topic comes up in CAFE Life facilitation or workshop, I emphasize that starting from the premise that doesn’t assume you’re right, unleashes super-energy towards discovering context. Begin with asking this question every day: what else? 

The Power of NOT Curing, and NOT Healing

In stories, our comic superheroes typically rescue the world. But here’s a thought. A superpower might also be the ability to restrain action when it’s within your influence. 

Our culture is very pro ‘instantaneously satisfying.’ As per Richard Rohr, we “give answers too quickly, take away pain too easily, and too quickly stimulate.” To avoid the quick fix and be open to transformation, requires the power of restraint. There will always be the need to rescue people and situations. But sometimes rescue is not the answer. I love this quote from Henry Nouwen:

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 

The skills needed to strengthen this superpower aren’t about not caring. It’s about caring so much that you stay with another, fully present, allowing them to own their experience. This takes a great degree of discipline, as our natural stance is to be the guy who saves the day. But you can attain this power through a lot of resolve and by nurturing a willingness to give people the gift of attention above the answers of your mind.

Want Everyday Superpowers? These Are The Skills To Strengthen

The Positive Power of The Negative Emotion

Imagine never having a negative emotion. Imagine always being super happy, super positive, and super motivated. It does sound good. That indeed would be a superpower worth considering. But all healthy human beings have feelings like doubt, fear, and overwhelm. As per author Susan David, this is the human brain doing its job. 

The only people who have no fear or experience no rejection, are those who’ve already left this world. 

But there’s still a superpower to be unearthed here. Imagine a person who finds positive power in negative emotion. This person still experiences negative emotions. But they make space for the negative emotion and allow the negative to create positive power. Hmm – I know sounds rather paradoxical. But did you know that you often have to  experience a negative emotion to…

      • Reconsider an argument
      • Listen
      • Demonstrate increased empathy
      • Ask for help
      • Give support 
      • Slow down

Negative emotions that are dwelt on can consume and slay us. But negative emotions that are embraced with curiosity can be highly informative. In his most recent book, Dan Pink talks about the power of regret. He says…

“Regret is not dangerous or abnormal. It is healthy and universal. An integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies, it instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down. It can lift us up.” 

To take hold of this superpower requires that you change your stance towards the negative. It requires that you notice and name your emotions and stay with them, asking questions like, “What is this telling me?” Seek a growth mindset and intentional response through that which you discover. The negative will always be around. But you might be able to do even better and get propelled forward if this is one of the skills you choose to strengthen.

There are many more that we could talk about, but I hope the point has been made. Fantasy superpowers might not be attainable. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be superpowered. We just need to know the right skills to strengthen, and how. 

So, what superpower do you wish you had? How possible is it that you could attain similar benefits? Perhaps all you need is the superpower of seeing it differently. 

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team
Categories
News

To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language

To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language
To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language

What are some fundamental building blocks needed to build a high performing team? Over my years of working with teams, the pursuit is most often high performance and effectiveness. To achieve this, there are the necessary and well-known pillars of strategy, leadership, and culture. However, another group of fundamental building blocks lie below the surface, often ignored. These building blocks are so powerful, yet so simple…

  • Values that translate in behaviours 
  • Identified learnable skills that relate to a team living their values and stepping up to objectives
  • A toolbox of resources that people know, can call on, and use 
  • Practical systems that make aspirations possible 
  • A supportive environment that primes behaviour and mindset towards aspirations. 
  • Language that aligns, motivates, and focuses people

Developing any one of these with intention and consistency can transform your organisation. And being bankrupt in any of these, will add frustration and risk to the team dynamic, no matter how good the strategy is. It would take a long time to dive into each of these often-overlooked aspects to build a high performing team. So, in this blog our goal is to focus, just for a moment, on the last point: internal language that aligns, motivates, and focuses.

Unclear language creates no progress

Imagine I go to the doctor, feeling unwell, seeking help. She examines me and then declares, ‘Mike you are sick.’ I would look at her, expecting more words to follow. But imagine she then ushers me out her office. The word ‘sick’ doesn’t help. I need clear language for the sickness so that the I can understand, and so that I can respond. The moment she diagnoses my unhappy situation to a term that is understood by both, we begin to move forward. For example, ‘Mike you have bronchitis.’ Ok, that helps. She might need to fill in some gaps, but I do have a basic appreciation for that condition. Now we can talk. Now we can move forward. 

In your organisation, are there words, phrases, mantras, and spoken ways of engagement, that everybody gets? 

‘That and many other smaller incidents in my life, made me realise that language, even more than colour, defines who you are to people.’ 

Trevor Noah made the above statement in his book, Born a Crime. It’s loaded with emotion, hurt and controversy. And this blog is not meant to go there. But even at surface level, this statement demonstrates how language can either build or breakdown connection. Language that connects and creates understanding has the ability to transcend differences and challenges. The lack of common language can often take us in a downward spiral towards an empty pit. Whenever you have a collective group of people, focus on creating unified understanding expressed through the spoken word. 

To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language

To build a high performing team, sometimes all you need is deeper understanding

As an avid reader and student of life, I cherish moments when I discover new language that illuminates something that was previously in the fog. Moments like when someone says something and you think, ‘oh, so that’s what it’s called,’ or, ‘that’s what’s happening here.’ 

What the other person has done for you is given you language that produces insight and coherence. For example, South African born author and brilliant TED talker Susan David, once shared a concept called ‘social contagion.’ This term is also in her brilliant book Emotional Agility. She describes how this is a condition we are all tempted towards. 

Social contagion describes how we are easily influenced by the actions of other people. When one person does something, permission is given to others to follow suit, regardless of whether the action is helpful or unhelpful. So, the person who starts to text in a meeting, invariably gives others permission to text as well. And soon we have a disrupted, unproductive meeting where anything goes. 

Understanding this term enables an understanding around what is happening. A group who understands this term can create awareness around it, and identify it when it happens. The team that knows this concept and can label it, can act against it. All they needed to enable action was language.  

A few examples of clear internal language

Lumina Spark is a powerful personality profiling tool that enables self-awareness, peer awareness, and helps to build a high performing team. The tool is powerful and provides incredible insight. The insight in turn allows people to focus and choose informed responses to differing stimuli and context. 

It’s also powerful because it provides you with language that can be easily interpreted and understood. The tool makes use of colours, describes different contexts, and uses language like ‘dial up’ or ‘over extension.’ Those who have had the privilege of experiencing Lumina Spark would immediately understand what another person is saying, when they use these terminologies or say things like, ‘let’s dial up a bit of green here.’ It needs no explanation, probably little debate. Its common language supportive of effectiveness.

To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language

Creating language for attitudes and behaviours builds a high performing team

I make use of a model that I adapted from Seth Godin. It shares 4 roles that people play within a team, and within life. The model is simple, and the roles have been given a very distinct name. 

For example, in this model we find a role nicknamed the Zealot. The Zealot has passion and attachment. What does a passionate yet attached person look like? Have you ever been in a meeting where a person is passionate about an idea, usually their idea, but only for that idea? That’s a Zealot in action. I can guarantee you we’ve all observed a Zealot and that you, too, have played that role. We just did not have a name for it. 

The moment we have language for this attitude and behaviour, we can name it in action.  And if it’s well understood, we can do something about it. Imagine the person who, with good intentions, says to another, ‘I love your passion, buts it’s coming across a bit like the Zealot.’ The other person understands exactly what is being said, and hopefully can choose an informed response. 

This beautiful model connects us with other roles like the Whiner, the Bureaucrat, and most importantly, the Pathfinder (Godin calls this person the Lynchpin). I have done series of workshops with teams where these roles allow us to explore difficult and emotional topics around feedback, accountability, crucial conversations and values. 

Do you know what Alexithymia is?

Alexithymia is an inability to label and express emotions. In other words, to have a limited language for your emotions. This condition is very disempowering. Failure to label emotions renders us more helpless within the emotion. To have healthy engagement with your emotions requires language. 

Here’s an interesting exercise to do. When you are talking with someone and they are displaying emotion, label the emotion for them. So, for example, I might say to John, ‘John I can see this is making you feel angry.’ Now watch what happens next. Assuming John does not battle with alexithymia, he might say, ‘yes it is,’ or he might correct you and say, ‘no I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated.’  This distinguishing is important. It helps John understand his feelings and also helps me more correctly understand John. 

The label supports us. Edith Eager in her amazing book The Choice, encourages people to start with a small feeling vocabulary, if need be, and from there try and increase the spectrum. By small, she means, describing it as ‘am I feeling glad, sad, mad, or scared,’ etc. Imagine the team that stops during a meeting to simply clarify the prevailing feeling in the room. By naming it with language they empower response.  

To Build A High Performing Team, You Need Effective Internal Language

What does the 5 love languages have to do with building a high performing team?

Lastly, let’s go to a best-selling book by psychologist Gary Chapmen – The 5 Love Languages.  I am amazed at how many people know this book. What Chapman does is in this book is so powerful: he gives love, language. Is that allowed? Well, it’s certainly helpful. The book empowers people to understand their partners within the domain of love. 

Use your choice of words to empower, uplift, connect, and progress

Like the doctor who would be unhelpful in just using the word ‘sick’, Chapman highlights that ‘love’, which is probably the greatest virtue of all, is sometimes unhelpful if it’s not supported with the right love language. When somebody understands that their partners love language is centred around receiving validation, they are empowered to love their partner in the way they receive it best . The use of language enables deeper connection.

And so, I could go on and on. We could talk about things like values or meetings, all which are enhanced when there is a vibrant language in use and in development. 

Here’s the big question. Does your team have language that enables meaning and effectiveness? Does it create unhealthy structures, or does it build high performing teams? When was the last time you did a team ‘language workshop?’ Perhaps you should. 

To continue learning and be a student of life, you require an ever-increasing repertoire of language. When you are the student, you recognise that not only must you grow in understanding, but that your understanding is supported and sustained through language. 

We Wear the Same T-shirt: Why You Need to Cultivate Trust in Your Team
Categories
News

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?

Usually, a title like the one above would put me off immediately. I generally have apprehension about the idea of any type of formula, especially one that is found in the domain of behaviour and titled so boldly as “formula for success.”

Ironically, I love social science. I often refer to thought-provoking experiments in my work and conversations. But even then, I hold them loosely, knowing that as a species we constantly learn more about ourselves. We can’t get too attached to a single idea, because new science might alter that idea. But when it comes to success, is it a different matter? Is there a formula for it as many self-help books would imply? Oh, and on that note… what is success?    

Adam Grant’s Formula For Success

Many years ago, I came across an interesting formula by Adam Grant in his book, Give and Take. This formula resonated with me. It challenged my thinking and rose more questions than answers. On the surface, it’s not controversial. But beneath, it’s potentially loaded and challenging. Let’s look at each part of this formula for success in detail. 

Success/Achievement = Talent + Discipline (Hard work) + Opportunity (Luck) + Reciprocity style (The nature and quality of your relationships) 

Reciprocity

Many of us would probably be familiar with this formula, except for the reciprocity addition. We often overlook the role relationships play in achievement. But when we intentionally develop strong and trustful bonds (which include the ability to create boundaries), then success, whatever its definition, is enhanced. Simply put, when opportunity allows, people will punish the jerk. When you are a jerk, maintaining success becomes hard work. 

Opportunity And Luck

The word ‘luck’ in the formula above, would probably have caused a negative interpretation to many readers. We don’t like that word and probably prefer the softer word ‘opportunity’. After all, if we have achieved, we like to think it’s because of our talent and discipline. We gravitate towards quotes on luck which say, ‘luck favours the prepared mind’ and ‘the harder I work the luckier I get.’ I agree with these quotes. But if we look at our success in honest retrospect, there’s always some form of undeserved favour. Success and achievement invariably have a good dose of privilege that allows opportunity, and a sequence of events where we are plain and simply ‘fortunate/blessed’ – whatever the word.  

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?

Talent

Discipline, opportunity, and reciprocity are generally underrated. Talent, on the other hand, is overrated. 

So, let’s provide a little more substance to the above. To chase a goal, the formula is very enlightening. To succeed, focus on your strengths, be prepared to do the hard work, look for and find opportunities, and enlist the help of others. All four of these ingredients are vital.  

Don’t conclude, and don’t overestimate talent. 

Talent opens the door for achievement. The problem with talent is, who decides if you are talented? And once a verdict of talent is made, does that mean that talent cannot be developed? 

The very first time I volunteered to give a speech was in High School, and I became the laughingstock of the debate evening. I displayed so much nervous energy while speaking, that I got a special mention by the adjudicator at the end of the evening. I was the young fellow who ‘hypnotized’ the audience through my constant rocking. while at the same time, happened to offend the school Principal, in remarking that mathematicians were “old fuddy daddies.” He was my math teacher. 

Truth be told, I had no idea what I was saying in that impromptu speech, as I was a wreck. And yet for the past 18 years, my profession lies in public speaking, and making others feel safe through the beautiful art of facilitation. That night should have killed any desire of mine for public speaking. But fortunately, it did not become the verdict on whether or not I was talented. 

There are so many stories like mine out there. Renowned artist Jackson Pollock was considered by early teachers to have no skill. And yet he became Jackson Pollock. 

Discipline And Hard Work

A second consideration around talent is that if I consider myself to be talented, I might not do the second part of the equation – the hard work. Talent can be seductively deceptive, making us believe that we are better than others. In his brilliant book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell refers to a nineties experiment by psychologist Norden Erickson, who did research at a top music school in Berlin. The musicians were divided into three groups. Group 1 were those who had the potential to be great musicians. Group 2, had the potential to be good musicians. And Group 3 were those that based on demonstration, were more likely to become teachers and not performers.  

They tracked the musician’s past and how much they had practised. Most started at age 5, and for a few years, their levels of practice were the same. But as they grew older, the intensity of practise began to differ. Those in Group 1 ramped up their dedication, practising much more than those who were in Group 2, and much, much more than those in Group 3 who would become teachers.

The bottom line? Once you have enough ability to get into a top music school, the thing that distinguishes one performer from another is how hard they work. Talent, whilst important, is often overrated in success. All it does is open the door. 

Success Is Not Accidental

Author John Maxwell says, “nobody ever talks about accidental success.” I think he’s right. Whenever there’s success, somebody has worked hard to attain it. They have put in the hours, reckoned with the hard part, and persevered. They have done the ‘reps’ even when it was boring and totally sacrificial. Read any good biography on achievement and you’ll find this ingredient. 

Focused energy on the ‘hard part’ is often the separator between good and great, a powerful principle made in Jim Collins’ epic book called Good to Great. We cannot say enough about this simple principle, and I don’t know people who disagree with the notion that discipline and hard work are critical to achievement. I definitely think discipline deserves to be in the formula for success.

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?

The Problem With Work Ethic

People who work hard deserve the success that comes their way. There is a challenge though. The ‘hard work ethic’ can become a self-righteous entitlement, where I deserve what I have because of my hard work. Whereas those who don’t have my accolades have what they have because they did not work hard like me. I have had endless conversations with friends and acquaintances on this topic and it does get emotional. A friend said to me, “I took the risk and worked hard and that is why I have succeeded”. My response was, yes you did and well done. However, your privilege allowed you to take risks until you succeeded.

Now in no way is such an answer meant to diminish his success.

It’s simply challenging the notion that hard work alone, did not bring success. Other factors enabled or rewarded the at appropriate times. This is the essence of Gladwell’s book, Outliers. Our ability to succeed is powerfully bound to where we’re from and often includes undeserved or favourable outcomes that were not in our control. 

A great exercise to do is to think of one of your achievements. Then pat yourself on the back for the hard work and effort applied. Then move into the place of gratitude and name those things that came your way not because you deserved them, but because they were given to you. 

Oh, and by the way, when an opportunity came your way and you seized it, well done. Don’t be ashamed of your opportunity or privilege. But use this for good, to make the world better, acknowledging the grace that you received. 

Be A Person Who Others Want To Succeed

Lastly, we often underestimate the role of others in the formula for success. Sometimes people succeed at the cost of others. There are unfortunately too many examples of this. But this kind of success comes with huge ramifications and ultimately, regret. To sustain an achievement that is the story of legacy, develop strong circles of trust and collaboration.

In his book Give and Take, Adam Grant highlights that this is the domain of Givers, who achieve through and with others. They are distinguished from Takers and Matchers, who often have early but less sustainable success. The achieving giver, who values virtues of trust and accountability, develops networks that support long-term achievement. 

Become intentional about networking and relationships. Invite people into your corner. Cherish and value them. Try and move away from the notion of achievement being an individualistic game – one that is all too common in our world.  Learn to say, ‘thank you,’ and ‘I need you’, and ‘what matters to you?’  

We are always a student of life. And being a student of life demonstrates a willingness to embrace difficult concepts. Be curious and if need be, become open to changing your mind.
Maybe there is more than one formula for success. Maybe this one works for you, maybe it doesn’t. Regardless, it packs a punch of truths that are applicable and impactful in all we do. 

So, may we continue to hold these formulas lightly, to hold success lightly, and when it comes to success and achievement, may we never stop being the student. 

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?
Categories
News

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important
How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important

To be an effective leader and create a thriving workplace is a feat that requires a rather intricate concoction of hard and soft skills. You may be quite familiar with some of them: the ability to engage and inspire, and navigate tough conversations. But have you ever considered the role of curiosity in the workplace? Turns out, it’s more important than you may think. In fact, it might be the missing puzzle piece your team is needing. 

Only about 24% [of employees] reported feeling curious in their jobs on a regular basis, and about 70% said they face barriers to asking more questions at work.

~ A Harvard Business Review Study

Why are the above statistics important? Why do we want curiosity shown by our team, and even more so by our leaders? And if curiosity in the workplace is so impactful, why do people feel like they cannot be curious at work?  The answer is within the question – literally. 

According to the research written by Francesca Gino in the Harvard Business Review, most leaders and superiors know that curiosity is beneficial. And yet, they still stifle it.
Why? Gino explains, “Exploration often involves questioning the status quo and doesn’t always produce useful information. But it also means not settling for the first possible solution—and so it often yields better remedies.” 

When you become curious about something, you have a different type of engagement. Your mind goes into a space of asking questions and feeling a bold, almost excited approach towards the unknown. Needless to say, without curiosity the new and unknown can be a scary thing indeed, and often avoided.

Perhaps it’s out of fear of causing a costly mistake, or resistance to abandoning the status quo. But either way, leaders are missing out on igniting innovation. Which type of leader do you want to be?

Why You Need Curiosity In Leadership

Take a look around you. Everything you see is a result of someone being curious. The reason we have moved from cave dwellers to the species we are today, is because we were brave enough to question and explore. No great idea was born without the flame of curiosity driving it.

When we are inquisitive, we see things from alternate angles. This is a powerful way to break fixed mindsets and engage someone’s attention around a matter that needs the welcoming of new ideas.
As a leader, you set the bar for your team’s work culture. By demonstrating thinking, you are encouraging innovative and creative thinking from your team.

When you as a leader are boldly curious, unafraid to ask questions and grow your understanding, you are revealing an authenticity that seeps into your surrounding workplace. By showing that you can be authentic, you are showing others they can be too. 

Curiosity in the workplace also means more is noticed. If you are eager to see and be inquisitive about your team, you could unearth previously hidden potential and growth. Leadership requires a readiness to embrace and utilize growth to avoid a stuck and stagnant team. To do this, you need to become a student of life. Here, you will find electrifying energy for learning and asking questions. This energy towards growth is so tangible, that your team could start waking up to it in front of your very eyes.

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important

The Benefits of Curiosity In The Workplace

Like anything valuable in life, this needs to be nurtured if you want it to become a part of your work culture. You will need to prove to your team that questions are encouraged and welcomed, not shamed or shunned. You might need to abandon old beliefs of yours so that you can challenge ones that no longer serve your organisation. Perhaps this is the belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Or, that asking questions demonstrates a lack of capability. Whatever it may be, growth must start at the top; with you.

Once you are a curious leader, you start to awaken the inquisitive minds around you. And when you get that going, you’ll see an array of benefits that might even surprise you.

- Curiosity fuels goals orientated around learning, which are more productive than performance goals.

Performance goals are valuable and have their place. But learning goals have been proven to be more effective. Studies have shown that only focusing on performance goals produces lower results in success both on a financial and personnel-based front. Although performance goals have their place, learning goals allow people to think out-the-box and focus on things such as how to become more effective in their role, or improve customer service. Inevitably, this produces more successful results. 

- A curious team doesn’t get stuck.

We mentioned it earlier, but it’s worth highlighting again. Inquisitive minds are always seeking, questioning, and creating movement within an organisation. We all know the pressure we face to remain relevant. Without a curious culture, you become rigid and stop exploring new ideas. This is important both on a personal and collective scale. Motion is vital; as long as we’re moving, no matter how small our steps are, we are making progress.

- It increases engagement.

You know that a leader must demonstrate the culture that your team is expected to adopt. Curiosity increases engagement with your tasks, even the most mundane ones, because it allows you to ask questions like, “how can I do this better?”, or, “what isn’t working here, and what is?” This kind of thinking has the power to re-mould your approach towards tasks. 

- Curiosity encourages brave thinking and risk-taking which produces progress.

We might still be a species that lives in caves and wears loin cloths if it were not for inquisitive minds. The biggest hesitancy that comes with embracing curiosity is the fear of risk and failure. But success will not stem from anything other than learning and experimentation. So, in order to progress, we must be bold enough to question, experiment, challenge, and take risks. 

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace

I think we’ve built a pretty good case to support the importance of curiosity in the workplace. But the big question is always “how do I make it a reality?”
It can be a daunting task that requires you to embed curiosity within your culture. Therefore a lot of companies who don’t have the resources to dedicate energy to this, opt to get CAFE Life in to support and transform their work culture. 

But there are still many things that leaders can implement to support this growth and encourage inquisitive and innovative thinking in their team. You will need to become a facilitator of curiosity; a ponderer and a ‘question enthusiast.’ Here are a few ways you as a leader can encourage this type of curiosity in your workplace. 

1) Create a safe space for creativity to cultivate and bloom

Where people don’t feel shunned or shamed for trying something new and failing. Where speaking up, asking questions, and challenging the status quo, becomes unthreatening and welcomed. Create ways to encourage and celebrate your team’s diversity, whether this is dedicating time towards a playful and easy space for brainstorming, or initiating weekly exercises that cause people to ask questions and create perspective. 

2) Set learning goals for the team.

Reward people for achieving learning goals as well as performance goals. Remove the pressure to produce results and instead, focus on igniting growth mindsets. When your team achieves a learning goal don’t forget to reward them. This could be by using their idea in the next project, or allowing them to take the reins on a task with their new knowledge, or escalating a valuable question of theirs to a decision-maker above you. 

3) Ask the right questions.

As a leader, ask yourself the right questions, as well as your team. And encourage them to do the same. Don’t be afraid of a challenging question coming your way. But by demonstrating openness to engage the question even if it’s a tough one, you’re showing your team that curiosity is not to be feared and will in fact be respected. Make sure you’re not just asking reflective questions such as “how will my day become more meaningful?”, but questions that specifically make you inquisitive, such as  “What aspect of my role do I have room for learning in?”, and, “What fascinates me about my work, and leaves me hungry for answers?” You can encourage this type of thinking by regularly stimulating it in your team. You might even say to them, “Have you come across a ‘why’ question today? Write it down, and make time to ponder it.” 

4) Encourage “intellectual humility”.

This helps us remember that we don’t know all, and that allows a growth mindset. Encourage others not to fear failure – remind them of times when you or the company tried and failed, and how there was a silver lining. Create a space where everyone from every division is heard, their voices valued and ideas acknowledged. 

5) Create a colourful team.

When your team needs to group for something, mix it up. Combine various skill sets, cultures, beliefs, opinions, characters, and values. You’ll see an incredibly colourful result when perspective and innovation are unboxed.

6) Don’t mistake being curious as meaning that you don’t ever follow someone’s lead.

Curiosity is a partner in teamwork. It doesn’t mean you cannot get help or follow the lead. In fact, if you are curious, you will not be afraid to ask for help and receive valuable input. No matter your position, you can always be curious and ask questions. 

How To Foster Curiosity In The Workplace And Why It’s Important

“The inspiration for the Polaroid instant camera was a three-year-old’s question. Inventor Edwin Land’s daughter was impatient to see a photo her father had just snapped. When he explained that the film had to be processed, she wondered aloud, “Why do we have to wait for the picture?” – Francesca Gino

And lastly, remember that how you speak will either foster or kill creativity. Don’t create walls with your language. Instead, notice when you are facing hurdles or barriers and practice reframing your language. Instead of saying, “I cannot do this”, say, “I cannot do this YET…. But what needs to happen for me to do this?” Speak to yourself and others in a way that opens doors, encourages conversations, and allows questions to bloom into great ideas. 

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?
Categories
News

Prioritize These Values If You Want To Increase Employee Engagement

Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement
Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement

What makes people feel connected and engaged with their work? And how do you increase employee engagement when it’s low? These questions have been pondered, researched, debated, and written about numerous times. It goes without saying that those who feel connected to their work perform much better than those who are disconnected and disengaged. 

Prioritizing rewards and recognition doesn’t increase employee engagement

When pondering this question, reward and recognition is often the first thing that comes to mind. Surely if we pay people fairly, and look after their material well-being, then they will be present and return the favour? But we know this is not true. 

How many people do you know that earn handsome salaries, yet are not ambassadors of their job? Yes, reward must be fair. But reward alone seldom ticks the box for increasing employee engagement. 

This principle is wonderfully captured in Dan Pinks book Drive, where he explains that monetary reward is, by nature, an extrinsic motivation that has a short-term life span. To do your best work, your motivation must be driven by an internal engine that moves you from the feeling of “I have to” to, “I want to.”

The top 3 intrinsic keys that increase employee engagement

Although there may be many more, we’ve come to find that there are 3 keys that need to be turned on if you want to ignite engagement and motivation in the workplace.  

 

  • Purpose and Contribution
    When you can connect what you do with who you are, you walk the path of purpose. And as Dan Pink says, “The most motivated people, not to mention those who are motivated and satisfied, hitch their desires to a cause that is larger than themselves.”

 

  • Belonging and Connection
    The more you enjoy the people you work with, the more you’ll feel a sense of belonging and safety. This is known as ‘relational energy’. When relationships are strong and congenial, focus and energy emerge. Contrary to what some believe, good relationships, make it possible for people to have healthy conflict, hold others accountable, and achieve results. 

 

  • Growth and Development
    The recipe to finding happiness and resilience in the workplace must include growth and development. The feeling of being stuck seldom produces engagement. Compliance is born from the despair of going nowhere. 
Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement

Which is the most important one needed to increase employee engagement?

Although they are all vital, the first one you need to ignite is growth and development. 

Over the past few weeks, we have been focusing on one of our company values that is most important to us, namely, ‘always the student.’ This value, both core and aspirational, speaks very much into the intrinsic motivation of growth and development. And yet it is inextricably tied to the other keys mentioned above.

The base line for this value is quite simple: people are more likely to be engaged when they are in a place of growth and development.

What can you do to promote growth and development?

First and foremost, you must understand that growth is a mindset. We grow because we believe that we can. All too often, organisation’s project an unspoken message that you need to fit into a box. This box lives on the idea that you’ve got a fixed personality that cannot be developed or improved. You might be sent on training, but because we don’t believe people can grow, all we succeed in is ticking the box and spending the budget. I have been involved in training and development for almost twenty years now, and sadly I have far too many examples of people coming to our workshops with no clue what it is about. HR has prescribed the workshop, and the manager has complied. But the manager does not believe in growth, does not take an interest in the growth of the direct report, and therefore does not create the environment for their people to apply insights, learnings, and change. They see there people as fixed people, who cannot change, who cannot learn. 

A learning organisation is the one that believes with the right context, method, and attitude, people can, and do, grow. Does your organisation promote messages that say ‘you can grow’, or does it send subtle messages that you are ‘incapable of growth and change?’ 

Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement

What is a learning environment and how do I create it?

Learning environment – that’s an interesting term. A learning environment is an environment where knowleadge is shared, acquired, and created. Every situation, every challenge, is an opportunity to know more and to transfer this knowledge. But for a learning environment to exist there are a couple of building blocks that need to be in place.

1. Creating ways to acquire and transfer knowledge


People are busy. Every day you are bound to experience untold urgencies. Learning and development are not urgent matters. But they are important ones. And important matters tend to be postponed so you can attend to the urgent ones. Some of you might be familiar with the powerful time model of Stephen Covey’s that engages this tension. 

Learning and development needs systems. Such as:

–  Time in meetings to share learnings.
– Cross functional engagements to broaden awareness around what others are doing and why
– Technology, to facilitate sharing.
– Mandatory deep dives into discussion following failure or success so we can grow
As Brene Brown says, ‘slogans need systems’, and so does growth and development. The bottom line is, we are unlikely to be a learning organisation without stipulated time in the diary. 

2. Psychological safety so we can share freely

This connects us with the ‘belonging and connection’ component of motivation. People don’t share voluntarily if they don’t feel safe. In fact, it’s even worse; they hide information if they are not feeling safe. 

Bridgewater Associates is considered to have one of the most compelling cultures in the world. This culture is based on its first and most important principle: you have a voice and you are safe to speak up. Their founder Ray Dalio writes, “The greatest tragedy of mankind comes from the inability of people to have thoughtful disagreement to find out what’s true.” How good is that? In a learning environment, people feel safe enough to express difference, which is honored and in return takes them deeper into ‘truth’ and good decision making. Strangely, psychological safety promotes conflict. Not the bad destructive type, but rather the type where people share truth in pursuit of the best way forward. To create a learning environment, focus on safety.

3. Managers must become a resource for learning and development

This means that sometimes managers will be mentors, coaches, and facilitators of insight. Their role is therefore not to ‘catch someone doing something wrong,’ but to develop someone so they can excel within their potential. Sadly, within the pressures of corporate life, far too many managers are unavailable for the growth of those within their organisation and become rather grumpy when they’re asked to develop others. But in a learning environment, managers make time to be the resource of education.

4. Tasks, values, and behaviors are translated into learnable skills

I am terrible at drawing. I concede defeat even before I put pencil to paper. I have always believed that I cannot draw and that it’s a gift that some have been given. Growing up I was never presented with (or perhaps I was uninterested in) the notion that everyone can draw. There are learnable skills to drawing. Yes, I probably wont sell pictures for much, but simply presenting art as something that can be learnt, changes everything. Carol Dweck, in her brilliant book Mindset, refers to renowned and revolutionary artist of the 20th century, Jackson Pollock. As a young boy he was told he could not draw. And with much effort, and the acquisition of skills, he became incredible. In a learning environment, the values of an organisation are translated into learnable skills. For example, if we have a value of courage, then let’s engage the learnable skill of having ‘tough conversations.’ Teach your people the skills and provide the tools so that growth takes place. 

5. Feedback is always orientated around growth

I’m sure we have all been on the other side of negative feedback and walked away scolded yet uniformed and uninspired. It’s a horrible place to be in. But when harsh feedback is accompanied with a desire for growth, people can create change. And this starts when you change the story you tell yourself. Managers can make a difference instead of making a point – if you decide to become the teacher, mentor, and coach. This is not about getting ‘soft’ on wrong doings, but about redeeming the wrong through growth. 

Finally, let’s make quick mention of the motivation of Purpose and Connection. For us in CAFE Life, when we are the student, we live into our purpose. We believe that we live in this beautiful world of mystery and science, of evidence and experience, that calls us daily to learn. A student is therefore a part of who we are, and when we are learning we find a deep sense of purpose. The purpose is learning itself. Maybe not everyone will see it this way, but some will. When you create a learning environment, some might see learning as it’s own deep sense of purpose.  

The world is a crazy place that brings disruption every day. Creating a learning environment is an antidote to disruption and confusion. It connects, redeems, transforms, and ignites.  

Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement
Categories
News

Make Work Fun And Feel The Benefits With These Practices

Make work fun and feel the benefits with these practices
Make work fun and feel the benefits with these practices

Let’s be honest. No matter how much you love your job, the idea that you can make work fun is always enticing. And what if I told you that there are proven benefits to bringing fun into the workplace? Sounds too good to be true, and yet it is indeed true.

As a mother of two who works from home, I am fully aware that ‘fun in the workplace’ will look vastly different for someone who works from home as opposed to someone who works in an office. But never-the-less, I’m confident that the tactics in this blog can bring fun into your day regardless of whether your work acquaintances have fur, wear nappies, or are fully grown adults. 

Why Is It Important to Make Work Fun?

Firstly, of course, we all want to have more fun at work. It’s not very enticing to picture a workplace that doesn’t bring joy or lightness into your life, especially considering the average person can anticipate spending roughly 92,000 hours of their life working. 

When you think of it like that, you might agree with me that fun in the workplace isn’t a luxury, it’s an absolute necessity. The good news is that having fun at work isn’t a recipe for low productivity or negative impacts on a business as we might have assumed. Studies are revealing that it actually packs quite a punch of advantages. 

This month, we’re focusing a lot of our content around one of CAFE Life’s values “always the student.” This value speaks to the importance of keeping an open, growth mindset. The eyes of the student see everything as new and curious. They seek to understand, with the attitude of expecting great things ahead. Imagine how good it could be to combine this value with the intention of making work more fun? Suddenly you have the recipe for a vibrant, innovative, and exciting workplace. 

The Benefits Of Making Work Fun

Not only will fun increase your levels of work satisfaction, but according to research “it has a positive impact on engagement, creativity, and purpose – increasing employee retention and reducing turnover.” A workplace means more productivity and purpose-driven work. It means you’re feeling more positive about being at work, and therefore, about doing work too. 

So set your concerns aside. Here are a few ways that it can benefit you if you make work fun:

1) Having frequent bursts of fun can boost productivity by 12-20%

2) Improves levels of engagement

3) Increased comradery between colleagues

4) Increases job satisfaction

5) Boosts creativity

6) Contributes to a healthy workplace culture

7) Encourages healthy work-life balance

Make work fun and feel the benefits with these practices

How To Add More Fun To Your Workplace

Now that you know why it’s important to have fun at work, it begs the question, how do you inject your day with fun and light-heartedness? Perhaps you’ve been like me and found that working from home calls for a greater level of creativity towards getting work done and fostering motivation. 

After the numerous lockdowns that rendered most of us ‘workers from home’, we’ve even seen organisations make more effort to create alternative ways to connect and cultivate comradery with their team. Rightfully so, because we all know having digital conversations just aren’t the same as having a face-to-face one. 

This has even been a major reason for us being called into workplaces. We’ve come in to encourage a healthy workplace culture regardless of the challenge and changes that have occurred to our work environments in the last few years.

I know fun means something different to all of us, but hopefully, you’ll find some of the practices we have listed here helpful in your quest for finding fun. Let’s explore these techniques:

1. First, adopt the mindset of a student. 

One that is curious, eager to understand and sees the world through optimistic eyes. Let this mindset become your framework for finding fun, lightness, and ease within your day. This mindset is powerful in every area of your life. If you haven’t yet, I suggest you read our last blog on ‘how to become a student of life’.

The first step:
The most important thing to remember when trying to adopt the student mentality is to encourage a ‘growth mindset’, one that sees challenges as an opportunity to grow and improve. Carol Dweck is a psychologist that has done many years of research around growth and fixed mindsets and the impacts they have on our success.

2. Adjust your perspective.

Your perspective is the window from which you view the world. Choose to look through one that sees delight in all you do. Perhaps you can turn your to-do list into a game where you receive rewards every time you achieve a task. Or maybe you introduce different activities within your breaks that encourage fun. It might even be as small as changing your dialogue from, “I have to…” to, “I get to…”

Perspective is also a key, fundamental pillar within building resilience, which is something all of us need. It also plays a vital role in creating and maintaining a healthy balance in life.

The first step:
Never underestimate the power of shifting your perspective or asking power questions. Some great ones are, “what else am I needing to see here?”, or “how might this look if I were the other person?”

Here’s a short video from us on perspective-taking.

3. Start your day right. 

“Winning is a feeling before it is an outcome.” If you start your day with that feeling, it’ll be carried through your day and automatically lightens the load, starts a flow, and makes it easier to have fun. Start your day off by achieving something important that you tend to put off – such as a workout, journaling, meditation, reading, or working on an important project.

The first step:
Always try to prepare for this task the day before. Make it easy to start by prepping anything you might need, such as a yoga mat, running shoes, a book, or setting an alarm. The secret here is to make it as easy as possible to start – the rest will follow.

4. Welcome laughter into your day. 

“Those who laugh together can work together.” Never underestimate the power of laughter. Not only does it have various health benefits, but it’s incredibly healthy for your relationships and mental health, too.

The first step:
I love the story that Ben and Ros Zander share in their book The Art Of Possibility. They talk about what they call “Rule No. 6”, which translates into the timeless motto, “don’t take yourself so seriously.” Every time you find yourself slipping into the inevitable mode of seriousness and sombreness, remind yourself of Rule No. 6.

5. Bring music into your day.

 More often than not, music accompanies happy moments. It only makes sense then, that it should entice feelings of happiness and fun. Whether it’s incorporated into your breaks, group brainstorm sessions, or to pump you up for the day ahead, music definitely deserves its spot on this list.

The first step:
Why don’t you take a page from our book and make yourself a ‘comeback playlist’? This playlist is all about collecting those songs that really move, motivate, and liven you up. You can use this playlist to pump you up for a presentation, centre yourself after a hard day, or reset your energy.

6. Take intentional breaks.

When you set an intention for your time-out moments, you get the most out of them. Perhaps it’s a chance to do some deep breathing – or go for a walk. Or maybe it’s your moment to have a good conversation with a friend or do a crossword puzzle. Taking breaks, even short ones, will help you avoid burnout and keep you functioning at your best. It also gives you time to do something that you find fun!

The first step:
Write a list of things you consider fun that can be done within the timeframe of your breaks. Keep this list handy to remind yourself and set intentions at the beginning of the day so you know what activity you’re going to engage in that day. 

7. Shake it up a bit.

Routine is great. But every now and then, it deserves a little shake up. When you feel yourself being slumped down with the feeling of monotony, it’s a sure sign you need some freshening up in your day.

The first step:
Is there a way you can start your day differently? Or perhaps there’s a different flow you can use within your workday? Or maybe it’s as little as writing your to-do list on post-it notes or adding a vibrant object to your desk. 

8. Change your environment. 

This is a powerful fun-booster. Almost daily, I find myself moving from my desk to the couch, to the outside table, to the standing desk. It’s a great way to add some variety to your day, encourage creativity, and keep your mind fresh. Couple this with intentional breaks and you’ve got a fresh and interesting day ahead!

The first step:
If you work from home, prep and clear up a variety of spots to make them appealing for you to work in. If you work in an office, take a walk around the building and find some pleasant spots where you can seat yourself for a while. Make an effort to pick up your laptop and move to those destinations. 

Make work fun and feel the benefits with these practices

What Are The Key Take-Aways To Make Work Fun?

While I’m aware that fun means something different to everyone, we’ve considered quite a number of tactics in this blog and I’m sure that if you have the right mindset, you can find a number of them that work for you. Some days will have more fun, others less.

So….

– Become a student of life
– Stay conscious of broadening your perspective
– Start your day right
– Welcome laughter into your day
– include music and melody
– Take intentional breaks
– Shake up the routine
– Change your environment

It’s important you remember there’s an ebb and flow to all that we do, and you need to allow space for this. But whenever it’s in your control, bring fun into your day and liven up your work life. We only live once, and I’d hate to live just for the weekend when every day can be a joy.

It's Time To Become Playfully Engaged With The World Around You .

CAFE Life’s published book Playfully Engaged rekindles a curiosity and positivity in your heart, allowing you to approach both life and work with a lightness in your step. 

I want a copy!
Prioritize These Values if You Want To Increase Employee Engagement
Categories
News

The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life

The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life
The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life

One of my favourite pop songs comes from an 80s band called Alphaville. The song is entitled Forever Young, and it’s a legendary anthem. If you don’t know it, you must listen to it – it’s so good. Now you might ask, what does this song have to do with becoming a student of life? And what does that have to do with staying young?

The musical makeup of this particular song is brilliant. The flowing, somewhat predictable melody, is comforting. But it’s not the melody or arrangement that seduces me. It’s the haunting nature of the words that leave a deep impression. Words like…

 

“It’s so hard to get old without a cause
I don’t want to perish like a fading horse
Youth’s like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever

Forever young, I want to be, forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever and ever.” 

 

I’m certainly in no rush to get old. Age happens and is happening, far quicker than I want it to.  If being forever young were an option, I would be scrambling to grab it. But maybe it is available, and maybe I am grabbing it – just not in the way we might think. 

One of my top 5 mantras that I use and reuse repeatedly is, ‘I am always the student.’ This is a beautiful mantra which has developed and matured in my life with age.

Falling In Love With Becoming A Student Of Life

When I was in school, besides for sport, I could not wait to get out. Life was to be lived beyond the walls of the formal, dictatorial classrooms. When I was in varsity, I sought the quickest route to success and exit. The lecture room was a means to the outcome of work. Thankfully these ‘let’s get out of here’ mindsets are long since buried. 

Today, life is the classroom, the joy is in the lecture room, the meaning is the textbook, and the purpose is learning. Being a student does not represent age. It represents the mindset of youthfulness. Maintaining the mindset of a student creates the posture of being ‘forever young.’ Is it possible that youthfulness is primarily a function of mindset, evidenced in our willingness to learn? Is it possible that the goal of life is to grow wiser as we grow older? If so…

What are the implications of this mantra?

The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life

If You Are Always The Student, Everybody Becomes Your Teacher

Think about it. Everybody you meet knows something you don’t know and has experienced something you have not. This profound awareness, which is both humbling and centring, has the potential to transform our relations, be this with the stranger or the more familiar.  Imagine what happens when we approach people through the  lens of the student, observing and enquiring, seeking understanding. 

A couple of years ago I began a journaling project. At the end of every day, I would write one thing in my journal I had learnt from either my conversations with or my observance of, the strangers around me. It was fun and playful, and it propelled me towards awareness and connection. 

It’s amazing what we learn when we are mindful and start to ask good, informative questions. 

The Uber Driver Who Became My Teacher

Here’s an example of finding teachers in everyday experiences. The other day, an Uber driver asked me to share my dream with him. The request took me by surprise, and I soon realised I was battling to articulate my dream. He was teaching me through his question, and then later, through sharing his aspirational dream. 

Now you might not like everybody you meet, but that does not mean they cannot be your teacher. In fact, they always are. The quest of becoming a student of life relies on your ability and willingness to pivot and learn. Khalil Gibran said…

“I have learned silence from the talkative, 

toleration from the intolerant, 

and kindness from the unkind; 

yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”

The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life

To Stay Always The Student, Carve Out Time For Formal Learning

The mantra, ‘I am always a student’, serves a purpose. Mantras exist to direct you towards better behaviours and attitudes. But mantras need systems and habits to make them come alive. 

When I speak this mantra, the intention is to choose my response. The intention is also mastery, which is the desire to get better and better at something that is both meaningful and valuable. Mastery requires that you push through boredom and become endlessly fascinated with doing something over and over again, seeking small incremental gains over time.   

You cannot be a student if you dedicate no time to intentional growth. I spend at least an hour a day in focused growth, waking up early to ensure that this time is available and protected. Being a student is part of my identity, so it must be given time and energy. This requires discipline and certain rhythms. And yet, growth is a delight; growth makes us come alive. Show me somebody who is growing and learning, and I will probably show you someone who experiences happiness. The different situations in our lives may enhance or limit the time available for formal learning. But whatever your constraints are, never allow circumstances to eliminate learning and development. 

Becoming A Student Of Life Means Nothing Is Wasted, All Is Redeemed Through Growth

This statement can be problematic. Without a doubt, there are many events that humans experience which isn’t welcomed or wholesome. An example could be violence and corruption. Where we can, we should seek to reduce, remove, and eliminate these unwelcome events. We cannot tolerate them. Being ‘always the student’ does however seek growth in and through all the events of your life. Some people ‘go to hell and back’ and are none the wiser, and some people experience ‘heaven on earth’ but relish this privilege with shallow knowing and understanding. The fragility and blessings of life, be this failure, disappointment, or the wonders of love and beauty, provide an opportunity for learning and development – if we are curious and seek depth. Note these powerful words from Susan Howatch that speak to this point: 

“In the end every major disaster, every tiny error, every wrong turning, every fragment of discarded clay, all the blood sweat and tears, everything has meaning. I give it meaning. I reuse, reshape, recast all that goes wrong so that in the end nothing is wasted, and nothing is without significance, and nothing ceases to be precious to me.” 

The Surprisingly Simple Secrets Of How To Become A Student Of Life

To Be Always The Student, You Must Adopt A Growth Mindset

The book Mindset by Carol Dweck highlights the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.  Since I have read the book, I have become so much more aware of my fixed mindset traits. 

One of my big takes from the book was how a fixed mindset loves and adorns titles and labels. Once we classify ourselves a certain way, we will find it hard to grow beyond it. Some classifications may seem positive, but the label begins to define possibility and capability. This can paralyze growth. Best to keep your identity small and positioned in a narrative of growth. I love how Michelle Obama ends her autobiography. As you read these words, can you pick out the growth mindset nature inside them?

“At 51 I am still in progress. It’s all a process. BECOMING is never giving up on the idea of growing.”

The mantra ‘always a student’ reminds us to avoid labels or permanence. As a student of life, I am growing, and who I am today is not who I am tomorrow. I am a work in progress. 

Unlock A Growth Mindset In Your Team Today

Contact us to receive a free consultation and learn how we can help you create the work culture you dream of. 

Yes! I want a free consultation
If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?
Categories
News

How To Stay Positive When Things Go Wrong

How To Stay Positive When Things Go Wrong
How To Stay Positive When Things Go Wrong

I’m willing to bet that everybody reading this blog has had a recent situation where things have not gone as you’d expected – either in a major or a minor way. Feeling disappointment, frustration, loss, and even anger is a common byproduct of this. And when all these powerful emotions surface, the trick is finding how to stay positive when things go wrong.

I do want to clarify here, that I am not endorsing the societal pressure to always seem positive and happy. I know that when life happens, it can be really tough. And it’s so important to allow space for the real and ugly emotions to take their place, so that you can move through them. But, we must move through them. And even when you are lamenting the loss, challenge or defeat, one must keep placing one foot before the next. This blog is about learning to see the beauty, to find the opportunity, and to cultivate growth and gratitude so that through it all, you can still find the positive.

Chaos is all around us. From torrential rain and flooding (yes KZN, we’re in it knee-deep, aren’t we?), to petrol prices, wedding cancellations, companies closing, and plane tickets being cancelled…we have, at large, been dealt the harsh hand of inconvenience and disappointment several times. 

Sometimes, the biggest challenge is knowing what to do. There’s a way to learn how to stay positive when things go wrong. But it does take a little digging, a lot of honesty, and the recipe of action, acceptance, and perspective.

Learning To Have Perspective When Things Go Wrong

This should always be the first step you take. It will help you determine whether it’s action, acceptance, or both that needs to take place.

Perspective allows us to ensure that before we are making any decisions, we have contemplated and considered every angle there is. This dilutes the possibility of getting a nasty surprise from something you didn’t think about or the frustration of missing a great opportunity. So how do you create perspective?

 

    • Create alternate viewpoints
      Have you ever noticed how if you turn a picture upside down, you see things you didn’t notice before? Creating alternate angles with situations does the same thing.
      So, take a step back from it, turn it upside down, shake it up a bit. Ask questions, even the ones that might seem ludicrous, and see what surfaces. Let creative thinking rule this step, so try to put your inner critic aside. 

 

    • Centre yourself in your values
      Once you’ve explored the possibilities and before you decide what route to take, let’s make sure it’s centred on values. Whether you’re making decisions for a multimillion organisation or your personal life, values need to be the pillar at which our choices swivel around. Without this, how can you be sure it’s the best action to take?

      Consider your values against the ideas you’ve come up with and whether they compromise any of them.

 

    • Receive input from others 
      We shouldn’t make our own decisions based on others’ opinions. But the opinions of those you trust can act as valuable insight and open you to things you might not have considered before. Invite a few trusted people into your circle and confide in them. You might be surprised at the input and perspective they can create.
How To Stay Positive When Things Go Wrong

Choosing The Right Action When Things Go Wrong

Innovators are born under the light of unprecedented challenges. It’s the drive to solve a problem that really gets you thinking out the box.

The way to move forward is always by making a start. The trick here is to ask the right questions:

    • “Today’s actions shape tomorrow’s reality.”
      What’s the next right thing to do? This should be the question you ask the next time you find yourself stumped and staring at a brick wall. The answer to this question is completely dependent on the context – there is no formula. In one of our cards from Resilience In A Box, we say that, “Sometimes, the answer is to be tough. And sometimes you need to be gentle.  Sometimes you need to go, and sometimes you need to stay.  You  might need to sacrifice something, or you might need to give. But it is always honest and accountable.” 
    • Find your reasons to believe
      Taking action in untethered waters can be very daunting. And yet, you can take comfort in knowing that whatever the circumstance, someone has walked a similar road. And even within our own lives, you’ve most probably already come across situations in the past that have called for similar resolve or skills to what you are needing now. Name these, and write them down. Let them remind you that you are capable. Do you know anyone you admire that’s overcome similar obstacles? What did they do? Name them and let this also be a reason to believe.
    • Ask others for support
      The people around us are our greatest asset. When you’re needing particular knowledge or skills, be brave enough to ask others to journey with you and share theirs. You might even be surprised at the willingness they have to give. 

Releasing And Accepting When Things Go Wrong

What do you do when it’s out of your control? When no action or alternate angle can change what has happened? This is perhaps the hardest of all these steps to take, as it requires absolute surrender and release of that which cannot be changed. It requires you to let go.  

    • Time for release
      We wrote a blog some time ago where we ask the question, ‘what closed door do you need to trust?’ Here, we share a fantastic quote from Lesly Odom Jr.’s book, Failing Up, where he says, “Over time I have come to realize that try as we might to knock down the barriers, every now and then we might need to trust the closed door.” 
    • Finding attachments that don’t serve you
      The danger of holding on to something long after it needs to be let go, is that it turns into an attachment. In this case, you might be desperately clinging to an idea, habit, or notion that no longer serves you. In fact, after creating perspective you might find it’s negatively impacting you. Check out our podcast on “Letting Go Of The Remote” to go deeper here.
    • Look for opportunities within the challenge
      Let’s look at Polaroid as our case study here – a well-known, iconic brand. Unfortunately, it’s also well-known for a very sad and unnecessary fall. Polaroid was the leading brand in photography for many years. But their challenge came when digital photography started emerging. It was not a lack of awareness, or even research into the emerging digital field – but rather, it was adamance from top decision-makers. They firmly believed that digital photos would never overtake the popularity of instant photos. And so, they chose not to invest in it. For this reason, and a few other related ones, the corporate giant went down.

      What can we learn here? Challenges are opportunities for innovation, and they demand adaptable mindsets. If only Polaroid had seen the challenge of a door closing for instant photos, as an opportunity to progress.
How To Stay Positive When Things Go Wrong

Key Take-Aways

We’ve had quite a conversation here. There are many viewpoints to consider, lots of emotions and so many contexts. But I think, regardless of all these variables, some key takeaways that can be applied to most situations and hopefully bring something valuable to the table when considering how to stay positive when things go wrong.

 

    • Give your emotions space to be present – validate them and move through them. It’s never easy to face a loss or defeat of something we hoped for. In other words, it’s incredibly helpful if you learn how to embrace your humanity.
  •  
    • Create perspective. Find ways to view every alternate angle, inviting others to share insight, but always centring yourself in your values.
  •  
    • Decide if the situation calls for action. And if it does, start by focusing on doing the next right thing. Remember that failure does not always mean defeat. And defeat does not always mean it’s the end of the road. Dig deep into your reasons to believe, ask others to rally behind you, and don’t be afraid of facing the hard part.
  •  
    • Accept and release what needs releasing. It’s easier said than done; but by surrendering to that which you cannot change and letting go of unhealthy attachments, you can seek new opportunities, you can make sure no efforts are wasted.

Some Inspiration For You

We all need to be reminded that through challenge, there is always hope. Here’s a powerful story from Jason Redman about focusing on positive responses to challenges and how it got him through a crisis: 

And, here are some CAFE Life resources to help you on your way, and add some supportive tools to your belt:

It’s hard to accept, but there isn’t one right response to challenge. It takes resilience, support from others, and a willingness to grow and learn in order to move forward. The fact that we are alive, means we face challenges and hardship. May you find the positive within it and allow this to create your silver lining.   

If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?
Categories
News

THE ART of FACILITATION

THE ART of FACILITATION
THE ART of FACILITATION

Thirty years ago, I found myself in a job that gave me a stage. Immediately, I fell in love with the power of positive influence. The stage made me come alive, centred me, and gave me purpose. The desire to grow and strengthen myself in speaking publicly excited me. And then, twenty years ago, I found myself in a job that exposed me to facilitation.

After I discovered this, my passion expanded. It changed the course of my life, my profession, and my journey. Facilitation provided me with a wonderful new tool of influence, and the desire to master this beautiful art form began. 

I wanted to unearth the secret to creating spaces that connect and engage, creating environments of adventure and intrigue. If you create this space, a magical dance starts to take place where people discover, grow, and contribute. This type of facilitation takes me to the most wonderful places that I know.

What is Facilitation, and what does a facilitator do? 


A facilitator is accurately described by the Association for Talent Development as a “ ‘guide on the side’ who asks questions, moderates discussions, introduces activities, and helps participants learn.”

Facilitation can be powerfully used in many situations: to foster connection, achieve a goal, trigger learning, activate potential, and embrace change to name a few.

A good facilitator is like a composer – directing conversation and setting a bass note, but always allowing people to speak and share their ‘song’, unedited. This real, raw, vulnerable place is where the magic and learning lies.

Facilitation – the right type of facilitation – is about focused expression from both the group and the individual within the group.

Some will say more, some will say less, some will reveal more feelings, and some will reveal less, and that’s ok. The important part is that we talk about that which matters. This is why organisational change and culture creation should always facilitate in a way that reaches the heart. Adopting new norms happens from the inside out, where people connect with the urgency and necessity for what needs to be done.

THE ART of FACILITATION

The power of Facilitation

When I was young, there was a coke advert that had a line something like, ‘I wish that I could buy everybody in the world a coke.’ As I look at the world I think to myself, how I wish that everybody in the world could experience the magic of facilitation. Especially on topics like gratitude, or contribution, or slowing down, or LOVE.

I know these topics might sound soft to you.  But seriously – it’s time we replace these incorrect attachments with the right feelings and thinking. In the magical circle of facilitation, people are honoured and their feelings are engaged. This is what makes it so powerful, as no true change or growth occurs when feelings are ignored. 

Feelings are arguably the most important aspect of our being. Most of our endeavours in life revolve around ‘feeling good’ and this requires that we feel ‘heard.’ We make all our decisions based on our feelings. 

The secret to an effective facilitation

The prized environment of this beautiful art form is psychological safety. Here, people don’t fear rejection, embarrassment or punishment for ideas shared or commentary made. Over the years, I have experienced surreal moments where safety produces the most innovative breakthrough and ideas. 

I believe innovation and fresh thinking (a core value of ours), ultimately follows surrender. We must let go of attachments and dominance, yielding to the power and resourcefulness of ‘us’. Collaboration requires such safety, and the art form of facilitation is to make beautiful spaces like this possible. Sometimes it happens quickly. And sometimes, there are some roadblocks to move through. 

So whatever the challenge, whatever the possibility, don’t get caught up on the transaction alone. Find the transformative magic within facilitation.

Ready to experience the art of facilitation for yourself?


YES! I want a free consultation.
If There Were A Formula For Success, What Would It Look Like?
Categories
News

The Power Question – Reaching The Heart Of Your Business

The Power Question - Reaching The Heart Of Your Business

The QUESTION

Towards the end of 2019, I attended an evening networking function in Cape Town. This night will always be imprinted on my memory. I met this guy who asked me my name, and then followed this up with a rather direct question – one I’d never been asked before. 

The question took me off guard, but straight away I knew that my answer would determine whether this conversation ended now, or whether my stranger was going to offer me any more of his precious time. The answer needed a ‘gravitas’ to it, one which would spark curiosity.  

The fire at UCT – not interesting?

Before I reveal the question, let’s pause for a moment. What are the questions we normally ask the stranger? I suppose the most popular one would be, “so what do you do?” That’s not a bad question. It’s one which all of us have asked repeatedly. It’s a safe question because when you know what somebody does, you can probably direct the conversation towards a congenial space.

From here, it’s easy to become friendly and pass some of that awkward time most people experience when in the presence of unknown people. It goes something like this. ‘Oh, you’re a lecturer at UCT? I heard of that terrible fire you had last year.’ And now we start talking about the fire, the changing weather patterns, the state of the country, blah, blah blah.

My stranger’s question made it clear from the word go, he was not interested in arbitrary talk. He went straight for the jugular. 

The Power Question - Reaching The Heart Of Your Business

Most people make the same mistake

They talk about themselves. It’s always interesting to go to a website and see what the opening paragraphs are. What we often find are people sharing information about themselves. They might share their history, like how and when they were formed. They might tell you all the things they offer. All this information is great and should make its way somewhere onto the site. But should it be the opening paragraph? Not according to my stranger.

We make a mistake when we make it about ourselves. It reminds me of a great thought process by Seth Godin, which goes as follows. Some people say, ‘Pay attention. I want you to buy what I made.’ And others say, ‘I’ve been paying attention, and I think I can offer you what you want.’  

My stranger was more interested in the latter.

Who are the people that will be relevant in the future?

Relevance is such a powerful and scary word. Scary? Well, consider this quote by Yuval Noah Harari.

‘Today’s battle is not worker exploitation, but worker irrelevance.’

Whether we like it or not, all of us are in the battle for future relevance. Our world is changing so quickly that none of us has the guarantee of today’s skills being tomorrows wants. We must continually shed old ways of doing things. We must train, retrain, learn, unlearn, and relearn, simply to remain relevant and value-adding.

The good news within all of this is that there is much need in our world. Our world is fragile – I know this does not sound like good news – and there are weighty problems that need to be solved. The sustainable businesses will be those who solve human problems.

The Power Question - Reaching The Heart Of Your Business

And now…the QUESTION

‘What problem are you solving?’

It’s a brilliant question. It takes you to the heart of the matter. Those who connect with the problem they solve, who notice what people our world needs, are going to walk a compelling path. We cannot be working just to be busy. We must be working to make life better for someone, for something. When we understand who and what this is, we can begin to have the right conversations with the right people. This question calls us to be courageous, fresh and innovative. We need to see things through new eyes.

Create your 30 second problem-solving blurb.

A few years ago, I came across this well-crafted thought process from Don Muller. Here are 7 questions to ponder that can create a problem-solving narrative. Take note of the order of these questions. How they are communicated is essential

  1. What does your customer want or need?
  2. What is their external problem?
  3. How is that making them feel?
  4. How are you positioned as the guy who can help them?
  5. What is the call to action?
  6. How will their life change if they use you?
  7. What will be their happy ending?

As you will notice, you only come into the picture from question 4. Question 1 to 3 is about you paying attention to the problem your clientele experience.                     

Our world needs people who become courageous, fresh, and innovative enough to ask the right questions, which in turn enable sustainable solutions.

Categories
News

How To Create A Morning Routine In 3 Simple Steps – And Keep It Going

How To Create A Morning Routine In 3 Easy Steps - And Keep It Going

Having a good morning routine is perhaps one of the most desired goals. And for good
reason – it has so many benefits. But it also might be one of the hardest habits to achieve. Take it from me – someone who once had a meticulous morning routine, and who now has a
newborn and absolutely no morning routine other than my cup of coffee at 6 AM. So trust me, you’re not the only one who needs to get it together. 

Sure enough, a good morning routine is one of the most important steps to a productive day and should be treated as such. But just as importantly, we need to make sure that it’s realistic,
appropriate, and achievable. Otherwise, it won’t be a sustainable routine that’s able to
become a part of your lifestyle. 

Of course, you may have a large list of things that you would love to get done daily. But for
your morning routine to be achievable, you need to be smart about what activities you choose to be a part of it. You need to make it purposeful.

Identify and prioritise

Firstly, make a list of all the things you feel are really important in your life, but so easily
neglected. Some things that are on my list are yoga, journaling/writing, and
meditating/breathing. Ironically, these are usually the things that feed our soul, mind, and body. But because there’s always something “more important to do”, we put them at the bottom of the priority list. Once you’ve written a list, put them in order of importance to you.  

If you’re anything like me, you probably want to wake up at 5 AM, work out, meditate,
journal a bit, have a shower, spend quality time with kids, write a book, learn the guitar, and solve the world’s biggest problem, all before 8 AM. I get it – there’s a lot of stuff that’s important to you. 

If you’re struggling to define what it is that needs to be a part of your morning routine, check out this blog from SoulSALT and specifically focus on points 1 – 3.

How To Create A Morning Routine In 3 Easy Steps - And Keep It Going

Contemplate

Now that you’ve decided on what you’d like to include in your morning routine, write the
benefits of each and how it enriches your life. Ask yourself how much time you need to
spend on each one for it to be impactful. Is it 30 minutes, 10 minutes, or even 5 minutes?

 After doing this, you might find that you’ve got too many things on your list that require too
much time for them to all be a part of your morning routine. And this is completely okay – if
this happens, remember to focus on the activities that will set you up for the rest of the day
and leave you feeling like a winner. You might find that the other activities can be squeezed
into other parts of your day, such as taking a 10-minute meditation breather during your lunch
break.

Implement

Now it’s time to action this. Write out what a typical morning looks like to you (wake up,
coffee, emails, shower, etc…). Take a look at your mornings and see where you can slot in
your desired activities, and perhaps take out others that aren’t being beneficial to you.

Don’t feel pressured to jump into the deep end with everything … rather start slow. There
are two ways it could be done. The first is to slowly implement each activity by starting with just one on the first day. Then two on the second day, three on the third, and so forth until your
morning routine is complete. The other way is to start with only dedicating a little bit of time
to each activity and then slowly building on it until you’re spending the amount of time you are wanting to on each.

Whatever your plan of action looks like, what’s important is that you do it in a way that’s achievable and sustainable for you daily. Take it from me, someone who has very little time to slip these things in between feeding a baby, changing nappies, and cleaning up mess … if it’s not sustainable within your current personal capacity, it won’t last.

How To Create A Morning Routine In 3 Easy Steps - And Keep It Going

Sometimes it calls for a bit of sacrifice…

There’s a hard part to everything meaningful. For you, the hard part could be needing to wake
up earlier, the choice of going for a run during winter or giving up your 15 minutes of
Facebook scrolling. Whatever it is, chances are it calls for a little bit of sacrifice. But is it
worth it? Yes. And if you need to be reminded of this, go back and look at your list stating
why each activity is beneficial and enriching to you. 

Once your morning routine is going, the feeling is indescribable. It’s as if you’ve already
won at your day before you even had breakfast. In fact, this tactic of “winning before breakfast” is so compelling that we even dedicated a card to it in Resilience In A Box (Card 35). Because when you feel like some important stuff has already been seen to, you feel like you’re already winning. This could be the way you start every single day! Imagine that…and know just how possible it really is.  

Discover what the CAFÉ Life team’s morning routines look like and gain some inspiration for yours!

Categories
News

Fresh and Innovative – A Core Value of Ours

Fresh and Innovative - A Core Value of Ours

In CAFE Life we have three core values. One of these is ‘Fresh and Innovative.’ The value challenges us to have a ‘beginners mindset.’

I had only one idea - REVERSE

A couple of weeks ago I was reversing out the garage, which is situated close to the road. This means that you need to stop underneath the garage door in the event of an approaching vehicle. When this happens, the bonnet of the car is below the garage door sensor, which means that the garage door will come down on your bonnet if you stay in that position. 

That day I found myself in this scenario. The garage door started its descent, and I was calculating frantically in my mind whether I would make it out on time as the passing car passed the rear of my car. When it did, I launched backwards into the road with a ‘James Bond flair,’  the descending garage door just missing my car. My wife, who was sitting in the passenger seat, was horrified. ‘Why did you not move forward when you saw there was a car coming?’ was her sharp and assertive response.

I mumbled that my timing was perfect and how I had known that I would make it out on time. The worrying truth: I had not even thought of that as an option. In that slightly tense situation, my mind had come up with only one idea, which relied totally on the other guy being quick enough. What’s absurd is that there were a couple of options that are common sense solutions, and all of these within my sphere of influence. I could have pulled all the way back into the garage, or even better just clicked the garage remote when the door began its descent, or jump out the car and block the sensor. But I only had one idea in my mind.

Fresh and Innovative - A Core Value of Ours

The Trained Incapacity of the Expert

Susan David talks about the ‘trained incapacity of the experts’ in her well worth reading book, Emotional Agility. The term engages a condition that can fall on ‘experts’ who are in default modes of thinking – in other words they are not really thinking at all. Here, they can be the last to see common sense solutions to problems because they have become so accustomed to seeing and doing things a certain way. They lack agility and they fail to interpret context. And, they come up with ‘prefabricated solutions’ to problems, rather than applying their mind to the uniqueness of this moment. My near miss with the garage door in some ways highlights this. All I could see was what I always do – reverse.

The ‘expert’ can be handy when the world is predictable as the variables are the same and what happened last time will likely happen this time. But the label and entitlement of expert can be hugely limiting when conditions are changing. In a changing world, we need less default thinking and higher levels of deliberate awareness and analysis.

To maintain a fresh and innovative posture requires that we give experience its correct weight. Experience is a wonderful resource that enables wisdom and decision making. But experience must recognise that changing dynamics change response and approach. And never have we lived in a world of such profound change.

Fresh and Innovative - A Core Value of Ours

All Environments are Changing

And that’s why this value is so important to us. We must never assume that one workshop is the same as another, or what worked with that customer will apply to this customer. Or the challenges of two years ago are the same as the challenges of now. A starting point to ‘fresh and innovative’ is to become more mindful of context and to ask three most simple yet profound questions,

  • How are things changing?
  • What else?
  • What do I need to let go of?

As I consider this, I am reminded of these powerful words by poet TS Elliot.

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time.

To be ‘fresh and innovative’ is a decision to break down old categories, to slow down with mindfulness, and to have the courage to let go. What are you breaking down, slowing down and observing?

Over the next few weeks we are going to be staying in this value of ours, sharing some interesting resources. Please join our CAFE Life LinkedIn page and CAFE Life SA YouTube channel to receive more resources. We would love to hear your ‘garage door’ stories.

Fresh and Innovative - A Core Value of Ours
Categories
News

Building Strong Connections With Your Team And Clients – Why It Matters

How To Build A Strong Connection With Your Team And Clients - And Why It Matters

It’s becoming common knowledge that connection isn’t just a ‘soft skill’ that helps your co-workers like you more. Connection is at the root of successful teams, relationships, and businesses. Building strong connections is what turns the world around and makes a company strong. 

Good connection skills is a superpower – not only does it build loyal and dedicated teams, but it enables organisations to engage with their client’s feelings. When you’ve got this right, you’ve got customers for life. So how do you tap into connection? 

In Robin Sharma’s Book “The Greatness Guide 2”, he speaks about the rule of ABC: Always Be Connected. Sharma creates a picture of this connection as a way in which you approach the world – that means everyone. From employees to loved ones, to strangers, your attitude must seek out ways to create a spark of connection that is tangible. 

A deep, trusting connection takes time to build. It requires a commitment to consistent, trust-building behaviours. There are window opportunities every day for us to either build or break trust, and the accumulation of these behaviours is what matters in the end. Brene Brown, a professor, author, and absolute connection guru, likens this to a sweetie jar. Every time you show trust-building behaviours, a sweetie gets added to the jar. Every time you break someone’s trust, a sweetie gets taken out. 

You can create a spark of connection within minutes of engaging with a person. It’s the type of connection that you might have with a friendly cashier who makes you smile because of her kind compliment. It’s the type of connection that breeds hope in humanity. It’s incredibly contagious. 

Both these types of connections are built with similar behaviours and both work in unity. 

How To Build A Strong Connection With Your Team And Clients - And Why It Matters

Listen With Heart

“Listening is in so many ways, the social equity of the world-class cultures that evolve into world-class organisations.” – Robin Sharma 

We’ve all done this: someone’s talking to you and your phone buzzes. Without a second thought, you pull it out and read the message. It might sound small, but the impact of this action is profound. When you listen with heart – where you really hear and feel what the other is saying – the energy between you shifts. The other person feels a sense of “I am seen, I am heard, I am understood, I am valued.” 

This spark of connection is invaluable and the lack of it is very often the reason team members can feel undervalued in the workplace. 

Next time you are having a conversation with someone, I challenge you to engage with them wholeheartedly. Meet their eyes and hear what they’re saying without rehearsing a response or losing concentration. 

How does building strong connections translate into happy customers?

“People buy with their emotions.” – Robin Sharma 

It’s as simple as that. We do things because of how it makes us feel. For example, you might buy a certain shampoo because the smell of it makes you feel fresh and clean, ready to face your day. Or you might visit a certain coffee shop because the waitrons there remember your name and always ask about your family, making you feel special. 

If you don’t listen to your customers and how they feel, or even more importantly – how you make them feel – you’ll miss the chance to connect with them. And chances are, if you listen closely enough, you’ll find many of your customers saying a similar thing. This is how you can connect with their identity, and how your service or product ties into it – what it makes them feel and why they buy it.

How To Build A Strong Connection With Your Team And Clients - And Why It Matters

How does building strong connections translate into happy employees?

Without a doubt, employees are more loyal to an organisation they feel valued in as opposed to an organisation where they feel disposable. Only connection can create this sense of being valued.

It’s not always the easy road and requires a level of vulnerability from both sides. But when you consistently show trust-building behaviours towards your team, the reaction might be diabolical. 

Your employees may go from being semi-engaged to deeply invested. They may innovate and create without being asked. They may volunteer to pick up the slack and go the extra mile, showing enthusiasm for it.

When you cultivate strong connections, the opportunities are endless. And if you aren’t convinced yet, just read our blog on how a supportive environment creates a remarkable mindset.

A Final Thought

We’ve spoken about a lot here, so here are some key takeaways: 

  • Seek daily opportunities to spark a connection with everyone you come into contact with. You’ll find success and happiness follow you. 
  • Make sure your actions contribute towards building trust (think of the sweetie jar) 
  • Listen with the heart. Put aside distractions and make others feel heard.
  • Always listen to what your customers are saying and how you make them feel 

This time of year is the perfect opportunity to build strong connections. As you find your team reflecting on the year, listen to their experiences. Look out for what your customers are needing. And always embrace an opportunity to create a spark of connection. 

Categories
News

The importance of understanding how to treat others and why it changes everything

The importance of understanding how to treat others and why it changes everything

Growing up, you were most likely taught to treat another the way you want to be treated. This is great advice, as most people want to be treated with respect, dignity, and to have their voice heard.

In the case of addressing the fundamental needs of others, it makes sense. Respect and dignity are never bad things. But there is a way to go deeper here. If you really want to connect with another and create space for a transformative environment, treat them not as you want to be treated; but how they want to be treated.

My preference or your preference?

A couple of years ago on Christmas, my wife Mandy gave me this present. I unwrapped my gift with excitement, eager to see how I had been spoilt. And there it was – a DVD. The nature of the DVD was very surprising. I had been given an instructional DVD on Salsa dancing.

Now, I don’t dance. Dance is not a skill of mine. Dance is not really something I aspire to do. Salsa dancing isn’t something I had ever mentioned wanting to learn. And so, it was somewhat difficult to convey excitement for my gift.

Now, Mandy is different. At the time she had her own successful Belly Dance Studio. She was a great dancer and performer, eager to learn new things (including Salsa dancing), and full of confidence when it came to moving her body to the beat. The family watched on, chuckling. They laughed at how the gift in my hands had been bought through the eyes of another who found this gift valuable.

This would’ve been a good scenario to learn the art of “how to treat others the way they want to be treated”. 

The importance of understanding how to treat others and why it changes everything

The Reward

I wonder how often our generosity conveys our own desires and not that of the other. Take the manager who spoils his team with a round of golf, for example. He loves golf and his ideal reward would be golf, so he wonders why the reward is seemingly unappreciated by some. But some members of his team don’t like golf – some haven’t even played golf – and find no value in it. The generosity is great, but the nature of the generosity declares misalignment.

To know what’s important to another person takes time and understanding. It requires that we move from a thin, shallow knowledge base to deeper, empathetic insight. And when we do, we can only but create connection. 

As Vivek Murthy (Surgeon General of the USA) says, all of us have a deep and binding need to be seen for who we are. When I am seen, and when your actions demonstrate that you have seen me, you can only but impact me. 

How to learn the song in another’s head

One of the greatest acts of generosity is the act of showing your understanding that others are not you. When you realise that others don’t know what you know, don’t see what you see, don’t believe what you believe and don’t want what you want, you can begin to create some magic. It starts to make another feel truly seen – as if you’ve heard the secret song in their head and can sing it back to them. This is the space where you can truly learn how to treat others.

How do you learn another's song, you ask?

It requires that we understand and honour another’s story. The only way to do this, is to allow them the opportunity to express what matters to them. If this sounds complicated, don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be. Here are some great starting points:

  • Intentional Listening: It’s easy to listen – but it takes a little more effort to intentionally hear what another is saying. If you find this difficult, practice repeating what you hear another saying when they’re expressing something to you. Use phrases like, “So what I’m hearing you say is…. This is really important to you…”
  • Be curious about others values: If someone shows a deep value for something that you don’t value, or aren’t familiar with, get curious about it. Ask questions. Find out what it is that makes this so important to them. And care enough to have conversations around it. Soon enough, you’ll develop a deeper understanding of that person’s values, and they’ll feel more comfortable opening up to you.
  • Ask good questions: Anyone can ask how your day was. But if you ask good questions, you can unearth some deeper understanding of what makes another tick. Listen out for ques of topics that interest another, and when you hear them, ask about them. Maintain the mindset of being a “student of life”. 
The importance of understanding how to treat others and why it changes everything

Once you know someone on a deeper level and understand how to treat others according to their individual values,  it’s a lot easier to ask yourself, “If I were them, would this be valuable to me?”

As we enter this season of generosity, perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give another is to find out what song is in their head. And as much as you find the temptation to push your preference of generosity, step back, and honour theirs. And when you do, guess what? They will probably ask about the song in your head.  

Categories
News

Reframing Opposition Is A Great Way To Keep Connections Healthy. This Is How

Reframing Opposition is a great way to keep connections healthy. This is how

Can we just take a minute to acknowledge the division that the COVID vaccine has caused? I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve seen opposition around this topic drive deep and damaging rifts between families and communities.

I get it. There’s so much out there that provides ‘evidence’ for both sides of the scale –and nowadays it’s pretty hard to tell which are the truth.

Why am I talking about this? Because this type of reaction to opposing beliefs is not a new one. Through this whole conundrum, unique as it is, we can see an ancient pattern starting to un-fold: 

opposing beliefs/opinions > tension > division.

One side is against the other. It’s the old “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” mentality. People are fighting their beliefs and it’s driving a wedge between us.

Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States describes the importance of this beautifully.

"You find your community first then you get persuaded. Find shared values before political positions. Be interested in conversation not conversion."

Why opposition can lead to division

The danger of a controversial topic is that it always has the potential to divide if not handled properly. We become so consumed with trying to persuade others of our experience, our opinion, our facts, that we forget one thing: Every person experiences this world in their unique way. This means that each of us interprets things completely differently. For example, let’s say a new law has been implemented. Because of a cocktail of my opinions, experiences, personality, and interpretation, I view it as good. Whilst because of your ‘cocktail’, you might view it as bad.

Quite often, this is the wall that stands between yourself and another. Luckily, if you find  this wall needs to be broken down, it doesn’t have to be a hard task. You just need to put yourself in their shoes.

A fundamental need for humans is to be seen and heard. If you want that to happen, you have to reciprocate that, too.  Ask some powerful questions (and listen to the answers) to place you in another’s shoes and gain their perspective. Once that’s done, it gives both sides the space to be as they are, without feeling they need to justify it. And this builds connection.

Reframing Opposition is a great way to keep connections healthy. This is how

Allowing space for individual internal representation

But surely there is a right and wrong in some situations?

I think we need to be very careful here. Once again, what’s right and wrong will be completely determined by our own experiences, beliefs, cultures, and so on.

During my NLP training, we learnt about how everyone has their own “internal representation” of the information we receive every day. It’s received and processed like this:

  • First and foremostly, our external world is interpreted through our senses (touch, smell, sight, taste, hearing).
  • Then it’s filtered through a subconscious process where our brains will either delete, distort, or generalize the information gathered depending on what it believes to be a relevant reaction. How our brain decides what to do with this information is based on our unique experiences of life – values, memories, decisions, beliefs, traits, attitudes, and so much more that is unique to us!
  • This interpretation then affects our physical and mental state of being and eventually, our behaviour towards the situation.

    Hopefully, this can shed just a little light on why my ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ cannot be assumed to be your ‘right’ and ‘wrong’.

A better alternative to ‘right’ and ‘wrong’

There’s one truth that stands: something can be healthy or harmful – helpful, or unhelpful.
If I decide to eat all the food in the house, I’m pretty sure I could come up with some fairly reasonable justifications as to why I left my without food for the month (I’m pregnant, food was going off, needed to clean out the cupboards, etc.)
But if I asked myself, “was this healthy or harmful – helpful, or unhelpful to myself and others around me?” The honest answer is, no, this was neither healthy nor helpful for anyone (or my waistline).

Imagine how fruitful our conversations around the COVID vaccine could be if we thought in this way. If we sought to rather deepen our knowledge through hearing the thoughts of others, checking our responses through the lens of “helpful or unhelpful” before reacting.  This is a great way to approach, and even settle, tension with others. Provided they’re happy to reciprocate the act and ask the same questions. It’s even a great way to guide yourself through tough decisions.

But what do you do when you’re faced with someone who strongly disagrees with you – and you with them?

Reframing Opposition is a great way to keep connections healthy. This is how

Reframing The Opposition

So, what does it take to reframe opposition and allow it to become something powerfully positive for both sides?

Listen with COURAGE.

It’s so easy to become defensive when we feel a strong disagreement with another. Hair stands on end, hearts quicken, blood rushes to our face…we can get angry! When you feel this happen, you must remind yourself it is a courageous act to listen when you want to close off. By showing that you are listening with respect and attention, you create a space where they will be happy to lower their guard and return the favour. Watch this awesome video from CAFE Life on brave listening.

Get OFF your high horse.

“When you lower your seat of power you increase your seat of influence”.  Let go of any kind of ‘mightier than thou’ personas you may have, even if you feel you deserve it … without doing this, there is no way you can create or maintain a genuine connection and respect. Meet another on a human-to-human level and watch how it magically transforms the energy between you. And if you haven’t yet, read out blog on Lessons About Connection.

Sometimes you need to get a little ‘RUMBLY’.

If there is an opposition that is impacting your personal or professional life, Brene Brown would say it’s time to RUMBLE. In other words, there’s a potentially difficult and meaty topic that needs to be smoothed out in order for you and another to find a positive ground. Let this be an opportunity to invite clarity into the conversation and find a peaceful ground – you don’t have to agree to achieve this.

And of course…REFRAME your idea of opposition.

It does not have to be seen as a threat or a negative. Understand that there are billions of people in this world – you won’t agree with all of them. And in fact, that’s a good thing. Their beliefs and opinions can add depth to yours. As we mentioned earlier, reframing your perception of opposition can strengthen your argument and expand your perspective. When you find yourself resisting the act of reframing opposition, perhaps think to yourself, “How interesting that they see it this way”, and keep an open, curious mind.

Reframing Opposition is a great way to keep connections healthy. This is how

A final thought on reframing opposition

I understand we’ve touched on a sensitive subject for the world we’re living in. But I think it’s time we get comfortable addressing the elephant in the room and start to ask, is getting my opinion across worth the wellbeing of this relationship? It doesn’t mean you can’t have a debate. A healthy debate has its place, too. But if the relationship really matters, you’ll put in the work to ensure that it’s done in a way that strengthens your connections. 

So. Touchy question, but…next time the COVID vaccine comes up in conversation, how are you going to approach it?

Categories
News

The Most Powerful And Unorthodox Ways To Be Generous

The Most Powerful And Unorthodox Ways To Be Generous

When you hear the words “be generous”, what comes to mind for you?

GENEROUS is a wonderful word that has the capacity for incredible breadth. But when we think of generosity, sometimes we fall into a trap that amplifies only one way of giving: money.

But recently I have begun to understand this word in a more ‘richer’, broader way. In the past I would generally use the word for the actions of somebody who gave in a material way. Such giving is wonderful and should not be minimized or undervalued in any way. There are so many people, from all walks of life, who are generous in wealth. Incredible people who consistently demonstrate their deep pockets. We value their actions and recognize that the world would be a better place if more people shared in this generous way.

But to see generosity as only financial, however, would deprive us of so many gems that this virtue has to offer. 

The Most Powerful And Unorthodox Ways To Be Generous

Here are just a few other things you can be generous with:

  • Time
  • Interpretation
  • Attention
  • Gratitude

There are many more. But let’s stay with the above for a little while and go deeper.

TIME

Time is something is finite. There is only so much time and each of us, regardless of status or wealth, possess the same amount of time in each day. Some people have at their means, great capacity to give financially. The gift they give might be most appreciated, but the impact of the gift on the other could be low. But when they give their time – now that’s something they cannot get back. When a leader walks the floor and talks to her people, she is being incredibly generous. And guess what, her people know this too. When you give me your time to help solve my challenge, or to be interested in me, now that’s sacrifice. You can’t give everyone your time, and you should choose wisely. But find the space and place to give this commodity and then watch its transformative nature.

INTERPRETATION

We are in a constant state of interpreting events. A father scolds his child harshly and I say to myself, ‘What a jerk. He needs anger management.’ As a result, I look down on him and his apparent weakness. A generous interpretation asks, ‘what else should I notice or consider?’ The generous interpretation might therefore conclude that this man is having a rough day and needs some support. The generous interpretation is not the acceptance of that which is wrong. And where there are patterns, these might need to be dealt with firmly. But generous interpretations consider the fact that we don’t know everything. That there are gaps in our knowleadge and that I therefore choose to fill these gaps with as much generosity as possible. Have you ever felt or wished that someone had been a bit more generous with their interpretation of you? I’m sure you have.

ATTENTION

Some people are generous with their attention. When you are talking to them, you have all of them. We’ve all experienced the divided attention of another. You’re having lunch with someone pouring out your soul and they look at their buzzing phone. We live in a world of attention deficit. But people notice when we are generous with our attention. This is beautifully summed up by this quote from Nancy Kline, “People shine not in the glow of your charisma. They shine in the light of your attention for them. They shine because you remind them that they matter.”

GRATITUDE

There is so much that is wrong and troubled in our world. And there is so much that is right and wonderful. There is something so amazing about being with a person who is generous in gratitude. This person chooses to savour blessing, experience, friendship, and many a small thing. And when they do, it’s contagious.  They give the rest of us a gift. A gift that reminds us to observe, notice and be thankful.

The Most Powerful And Unorthodox Ways To Be Generous

Generous. What a beautiful word. How are you being generous today?

Categories
News

Why Embracing Your Humanity Helps To Overcome The Pressure Of This World

Today, I had the feeling of being a novice at life. Regardless of the years of experience I’ve had in being a mother, a coach, and a partner, regardless of the progress and growth I’ve achieved. My reactions towards difficult situations were followed by the frustration of knowing I could’ve responded better, done better, or been better. So often this is our response to the pressure of this world.

The truth is, we live in a world that demands progress. In some ways, it’s absolutely justified: life is developing at a rapid pace. We need to keep up with the times in order to stay relevant. Parenting doesn’t look like it did even 10 years ago. An office job doesn’t mean you sit in a designated office anymore. What was a ‘stable job’ a few years ago might just be obsolete in a few years. These are just a few examples.

But in other ways, the pressure for progress and in specific, perfection, is uncalled for. We’re expected to juggle our home and work life with the same poise as an expertly trained ballerina whilst adapting to the changing world without so much as a miss-step. Society looks down at us and tells us exactly how to run our lives, pursue our dreams, and how to respond to the pressures our life presents.

This expectation for flawless progress and perfection is crippling and denies us a fundamental right: to be human.

I know I’m one of many who lay in their beds last night and questioned every reaction they made towards the happenings of their day. Telling themselves they could’ve done better. Yes, some of these things do need some contemplation and deserve a better response. But I also know that half of the the pressures in our world are not even based on realistic measures. 

So here’s the big question:

How do you find that balance where you can embrace your humanity without losing momentum in growth - so you can have a healthy relationship with progress?

Why Embracing Your Humanity Helps To Overcome The Pressure Of This World

Our reactions towards the situations we’re in play a vital role in this journey. Today I got angry with my son because he didn’t clean his room in time for school, which is an agreed part of his daily chores. His attitude this morning was incredibly nonchalant, as if the whole world could wait for him to get ready in his own time. I was so grumpy and disheartened because he did not do what I expected him to do.

But in retrospect, he did what a child would do. That’s the point of chores – teaching your child over time (not overnight) how to be responsible. It’s a daily walk. My reaction towards that situation impacts me and my son, and my entire day after. My responsibility is towards my response, since I have no control over how he reacts to a given situation only how I do. I’m not failing him as a parent because his room isn’t clean; my response towards that situation is what will teach him and influence me.

The key principle here: trying to master your response towards the given situation, the knowledge that it might not change the situation or others within it.

A prime example of this is the response to a crying baby or an angry boss. You can make as many calm responses as you want. But no matter what you do, you may not stop that baby from crying or that boss from raging. You are only able to control your response in life. 

Now, what if you take that principle and apply it to your work and all areas of your life?

It’s in times like these that we need a generous portion of tools to choose from so that no matter the situation or our inner state, we can find our centre, appreciate our humanity, and pause long enough to choose a response.

Why Embracing Your Humanity Helps To Overcome The Pressure Of This World

Here are a few tools which have proven to be effective:

Find your ‘reasons to believe:

Wisdom can be found through remembering past achievements and challenges overcome. They can highlight your capability and the resources you have, providing hope that whatever you’re facing can be overcome. We have a great video called “Believe You Can Achieve” that peeks into a card from CAFE Life’s product Resilience In A Box, and it gives you some pointers on this.

You can also ask yourself:

  • Have I, or someone I know, been in a similar situation before? How was it handled?  
  • What resources do I have in my hands?

Breathwork:

Your breath is intertwined with your state of being. You can lift your energy, calm your nerves, create peace, ease depression, and so much more just by using different breathwork. Most importantly, it allows space for perspective and ease in situations where our reactions could get the better of us.

Connect with nature:

When the world is bearing down upon you, returning to the simplicity of nature has a way of pressing the reset button. There are many benefits to being in nature. Contemplate what ways you most enjoy connecting with nature and make time for these.

  • Become aware of your triggers. When agitation or frustration arises, take the opportunity to go connect with nature. 
  • Consider intertwining some of the other practices, such as breathwork or stillness, with time out in nature. 

Simply be still:

We’re pressurized to be human doers – but we mustn’t forget that first and foremost we’re human beings. Vitality is found through a balance of doing and being, of sprinting and resting.  

  • Allow moments to find stillness. Contemplate how this will look for you. Is it prayer, meditation, music, complete silence and solitude, taking a meandering walk?
  • Nourish the emotions that show up when you wander through your stillness.
  • Notice your thinking without judging or solving. Simply be.
Why Embracing Your Humanity Helps To Overcome The Pressure Of This World

There is an ancient Japanese saying: Wabi Sabi. This is a notion towards the beauty found within the imperfection, impermanence, and incompletion of all that is alive.

There is an absolute peace found within the realization that “Wabi Sabi” will forever be present within this world. That the pursuit for finality, perfection, and completion, is fruitless. 

Let it set you at rest within your walk of life, knowing that it is a great purpose to grow wiser as we grow older, whilst always understanding that perfection is never meant to be within our grasp; and this is just as it should be.

Categories
News

How A Supportive Environment Creates A Remarkable Mindset

How A Supportive Environment Creates A Remarkable Mindset

“When we treat man as he is, we make him worse than he is. When we treat him as if he already were what he potentially could be, we make him what he should be.”

      – Johann Wolfgang van Goethe 

Being ‘remarkable’ is a choice we make daily, over and over again. In almost every situation we face, we have a choice. We can be more connected, more generous, more innovative. Or we can be more standard, more selfish, more rigid. 

‘Being remarkable’ refers to a mindset you cultivate. It seeks to respond to any given situation in a way that is as positively exceptional as it could be. It asks us a most compelling question:  are you going to imitate or are you going to create?

Why it’s important to create an environment that cultivates remarkable mindsets

We are all leaders in our own right. Whether it be a leader within work, home, or even just one of your own life. We all have the ability to create environments of remarkable mindsets or ones of mediocrity. 

But sustaining remarkable mindsets generally requires a supportive environment. It’s harder to be remarkable when the environment is saturated in mediocrity. Here, qualities like resourcefulness, risk-taking, and humanity are frowned upon. In other words, we find the remarkable within, and through, each other. Likewise, we find unremarkable and ordinary, in and through each other too.

How A Supportive Environment Creates A Remarkable Mindset

How do you make your environment a remarkable environment?

There are many conditions that support remarkable mindsets but the two most prominent ones are safety and belief. 

Educational psychologist Benjamin Bloom studied 120 world-class pianists, sculptures, tennis players, mathematicians, swimmers, and neurologists. His research revealed that for most of the group their first teachers were warm, nurturing, and created an environment of trust. This enabled them to live and explore what was possible through effort. They were not judged but rather, encouraged. The teacher created a safe environment that enabled remarkable choices over survival. 

Creating Psychological Safety

The term ‘psychological safety’ has received a growing amount of attention over the past two decades. Simply put, psychological safety makes it possible for people to share ideas, ask for help, and take moderate risks. It allows people to do this because there is no fear of rejection, embarrassment, or punishment. This means that people don’t have to choose ‘safe or easy’ over what’s right and possibly unreasonable, but innovative. When we create compliant environments, we are definitely going to see a scarcity of remarkable choices. Remarkable mindsets flourish in spaces where we feel permission to simply be. This is one reason why organisations must spend time deliberating their workplace culture, contemplating whether the culture fosters autonomy and engagement or compliance and avoidance. In today’s world, the organisation whose people choose ‘remarkable responses’ will certainly trump those whose people nod yes externally, and internally say no.  

How A Supportive Environment Creates A Remarkable Mindset

Creating Belief

Some rather hair-raising social science experiments revealed that when a teacher believes a student is capable and resourceful, the student moves in a direction that makes the belief possible and achievable. But when they believe that the student is incapable, unintelligent, and dependent, then the student fulfils this prophecy.

Such research is unsettling. It highlights how your response and attitude to others impacts how they show up. Whenever you or I make a huge judgment call like, ‘I am surrounded by idiots’ (ala Scar in Lion King), we’re actually pronouncing a judgment on ourselves. The starting quote by Goethe brings this point home beautifully. When we see people having the potential to show up in remarkable ways,  treating them in this manner and communicating this, they are more likely to do so.

We need to remember that a remarkable mindset is an authentic choice. What this response looks like might differ from person to person. But it’s always the choice to push against default mediocrity. That’s what we need and want. Supporting people to be remarkable is not the command for them to do things the way you want them done. When people feel and know that you believe they can step up, they tend to do so. But in ways that are true to them. They live out their potential. 

How A Supportive Environment Creates A Remarkable Mindset

Being remarkable ties into the power of a growth mindset and how it plays a key role in our ability to learn, grow, and excel. Whereas a fixed mindset, one that is rigid and unwilling to be pushed or challenged, literally stops itself from developing further.
If you haven’t yet, I recommend you read the compelling blog we wrote about how to get a growth mindset and why it will change your life forever.

So, in summary: I am accountable for my remarkable mindset, and the remarkable mindset of others. Hmm – not sure I like that. But think what’s possible when I take accountability for both and create environments that produce what the world desperately needs – remarkable people.  

Categories
News

How To Get A Growth Mindset And Why It Will Change Your Life Forever

How to get the growth mindset and why it will change your life forever

 A group of 10-year-olds entered a study where they were given a set of problems that were slightly too hard for them. 

 

When asked for feedback on how they found the experience, some responded by saying they loved the challenge, that it was very informative. For them, it was overall a positive experience that enabled learning. 

 

For others, it was tragic. The problems that challenged them left them feeling incapable – they felt as if their intelligence was being tested and they failed. For them, it was the end of the road, not the beginning. 

 

The psychologist who ran this study is Carol Susan Dweck. Well known for her work on mindset, Dweck’s mission was to understand something that proved to be ground-breaking:

the Growth Mindset. 

How to get the growth mindset and why it will change your life forever

The one group, who saw the challenge as an opportunity to grow and learn, had what Dweck calls the Growth Mindset, while the other had a Fixed Mindset. Study after study, Dweck saw a difference in the two mindsets we presented. Children with the Fixed Mindset ran from difficulty time and time again, preventing themselves from growth and turning to unhelpful attempts in order to do better.

 

In a TEDx Talk, Dweck speaks of how scientists studied the electrical activity of the brain in students when they confronted an error. The Fixed Mindset students had hardly any brain activity – their brain was not engaged at all. However, students with a Growth Mindset had incredible brain activity; their neurons were firing at impressive rates. They were growing.

Why bother adapting your mindset?

There are two main problems that stand out with a Fixed Mindset: Firstly, this mindset literally refuses to learn. When failure occurs, that is the end. It’s hard to even try again with this mindset. Secondly, people who have this mindset have a constant need for validation. They cannot go through a day without getting a reward, to reassure them they are exceeding. 

How to get the growth mindset and why it will change your life forever

What can we do? Get used to “process praise” – if you’re a leader in any area of your life, be sure to praise people’s process and efforts more than you praise the wins. And for yourself, get comfortable with this notion. Every time you do not achieve, instead of saying “I have not succeeded”, say, “I have not succeeded YET.” This is what Dweck calls The Power Of YET. 

Benjamin Zander, a famous conductor and author of the best-selling book The Art Of Possibility, has a similar method with his students. He starts every year by giving them all an A. The only condition he gives is that the students must write a letter within the first two weeks of school commencing, dated at the end of the year after they’ve done their exams. It must show Zander why they received their A – and start by saying, “Dear Mr Zander. I got my A because….” Zander describes the power of his method beautifully in this video.

“I tell them to fall passionately in love with the person they’re describing,” says Zander. typically they all write about who they could be, how they achieved their A’s, the work they put in, what they’re doing now that they have attained their degree, etc. 

 

Zander says the result is that “The person I teach is the person that they have described in their letter. You see, I only take A Students.” 

How to shift from a Fixed Mindset to a Growth Mindset

Use Dweck’s method of “The Power Of YET”

If you do not succeed, tell yourself you haven’t failed; you simply haven’t succeeded YET. Reframe your thoughts, attitude, and mindset to see this as “YET” not “Forever”.

Picture Possibilities

Before you can achieve, you must first desire to achieve. Entertain your dreams and desires.

Get comfortable with knowing the hard part

Every aspiration, goal, and desire has a hard part. If you fail to reckon with it, that’s where the danger lies. Give yourself the option to ask, is the hard part worth it? If so, great. Now it’s no surprise. If not, you’ve just saved yourself a whole lot of time and effort. 

Reuse the waste

Everything can be reused, reshaped, and re-casted to give insight, wisdom, knowledge, experience, and everything you need in order to do even better the next time you try. Use your experiences to strengthen you.

Make sure you’re pushing yourself within the right degrees

Too little or too much challenge can be a deal-breaker. Constantly reassess the boundaries you’re trying to push. Ask yourself, are they within 5 degrees harder than what I am capable of? Make sure the 5 degrees grows as you do.

Shift happens…eventually

Keep pushing at it. Eventually, you’ll break down those barriers; it only takes a difference of 1 degree. Loosen your attachment to winning. become accustomed to celebrating the tries, more than the achievements. Understand that even when you win, it’s a margin of success compared to how far you can go.

How to get the growth mindset and why it will change your life forever

Track your progress

Progress is only felt when it’s made tangible. Every time you make progress, mark off those days on a calendar, tick off a list, and so on. Make this easier and take a look at our blog on implementation intentions.

Keep taking that step forward

Every time you feel resistant to try again or challenge yourself – CHALLENGE that feeling. Ask yourself, what is the next step I can take? And TAKE IT! Knowledge without action is like not having knowledge at all.

Never underestimate the power of a mentor

Someone who breathes life into you when you feel disheartened and unmotivated. Someone who can remind you of your worth, capability and strength, whose belief in you will fuel you to try again when you don’t have faith in yourself. These people blow wind into our sails.

Always give yourself grace

“Grace is the antidote of the brave-hearted.” We cannot try again if we do not allow ourselves to feel grace. Make it a most beautiful, and always-deserved word. 

If you don’t know where to start, why don’t you start with those areas of your life you feel most incapable of? The areas that impact your daily life and truly matter. Get down and dirty with your limitations and stare them in the face, allowing them to know that you simply haven’t got there YET.

Categories
News

Discovering The Power Of A Remarkable Mantra And Why You Should Use Them

Discovering The Power Of A Remarkable Mantra And Why You Should Use Them

Years ago, I started playing a game with a close friend and colleague of mine where the term ‘be remarkable’ became a light-hearted mantra. Whenever one of us complained, the other had permission to redirect the other to the posture of remarkable. This was always done with much delight. This mantra has a strange magic to it. It creates a problem that must be considered – and pushes against default response.

The Power Of A Remarkable Mindset

Once, my colleague and I walked into a board room where we’d be facilitating a team. To my dismay, the board room was dingy and dark. “This is going to be a tough day”, I declared, only to be promptly summoned by the words ‘be remarkable.’ Hmm – what would remarkable look like here? Soon after asking myself this question, we were redesigning not only the room but the content and style of the workshop. On another occasion, we were working with shifts on a production facility. This required us working with one team at 22h00 in the night and another at 02h00. Over and above this, we worked with teams that were on day shifts, too. This went on for a couple of days. At times we would look at each other like punch drunk boxers. Wanting to bemoan the lack of sleep, but knowing what statement would happen were we to fall into that temptation. And so, we chose to be remarkable, seeking to make every next engagement the best one ever.

That’s the power of the remarkable mindset. It takes you into the now and asks you what you are going to do with what you have been given. It reminds you that you always have a choice. A choice between ordinary, standard, expected – or faster, better, more connected, more human.

Right now, we need this mantra. We are fatigued by a virus that lingers, and all around us is much devastation. But our only way forward is to find our resources of remarkable. Who can you invite into your corner, where the invitation, ‘be remarkable’ is bantered around with intent and integrity?

Discovering The Power Of A Remarkable Mantra And Why You Should Use Them

What Is A Mantra?

We’ve seen first-hand how mantra’s can assist in returning one to a grounded headspace. We refer to them often in the practices we suggest in our latest product, Resilience In A Box.

A mantra is a practice that was formed many years ago. Mantras are intentionally formed expressions that are meant to be used as a purposeful return to your grounded self whenever life throws you off. Although the practice is ancient, only now is the western world starting to realise the benefits of saying mantra’s and how neuroscience backs this up.

The benefits of this tool is found through the intentional use of repeating a sentence that connects to you personally. Whether this be a prayer, expression, sound, word, or phrase, a mantra is able to quieten your mind. It focuses your attention and brings calm.

Now that you know what they can do, I’m sure you understand why it can be so powerful to have a remarkable one..

Discovering The Power Of A Remarkable Mantra And Why You Should Use Them

Creating Your Own Mantra

A mantra is something that will be personal to you. That being said, you don’t have to create a mantra from scratch. And although my favourite is ‘be remarkable’ there are many mantras worthy of regular expression. An example of another fantastic one is found in Ros and Benjamin Zander’s enriching book called The Art Of Possibility. Their mantra is “don’t take yourself so seriously.” There’s a delightful tale around this mantra which gently reminds us not to put unreasonable pressures and expectations on ourselves.

It can also be really sentimental and satisfying to create your own mantra that speaks an intentional message to you. If you want to give it a go, start here:

1) What internal challenger, struggle or frustration are you facing regularly? Write your description down.

 

2) What do you need to tell yourself in these moments that could act as a gentle reminder, return, or re-grounding? Write out a sentence describing this. Speak as if you’re giving advice to a dear friend of yours, as this often makes it easier to see with perspective and avoids self-criticism.

 

3) Start to digest the advice you have just written down for yourself. Highlight or underline any specific parts of it that really resonate with you on a deeper level.

 

4) Take the underlined sections that resonate with you most and play around with summarizing them into a short sentence or expression. Give yourself full freedom here and create multiple versions. Have fun and be playful.

 

I have used this to create my own mantras and find it incredibly fun and uplifting. Mantras have the power to do many things for us including bringing calm, perspective, motivation, joy, and grace. Make use of them.

Categories
News

Can You Really Create Happiness?

Can You Really Create Happiness?

We all want to know how to create true happiness. But what does that look like exactly? Do we need to add something to our lives, or take something away? And must we discover some deeply hidden secret to the universe in order to possess it?

 

The question of creating happiness is perhaps one of the most well-known pursuits of mankind. The world is full of books, videos, courses, movies, and podcasts all devoted to helping you on this journey. And all of them offer their own formula’s on how to get there. We’ve actually written a blog on happiness before, and the hot topic of whether you can buy happiness or not. But the topic never seems to get old; and so we’re writing another one that looks at happiness from a different angle. 

There are many things you can do to promote a happy life. But what we most commonly neglect is how to deal with the unhappiness when it evidently arrives. When you master the skill of managing unhappiness, you actually promote happiness.

Embracing Unhappiness

Below is a list of emotions that I want you to look at. Without putting too much thought into it, make a mental note of which emotions you think of as negative or bad, and which as positive or good. 

Fear

Anger

Shock

Disgust

Sadness

Guilt

Love

Joy

Curiosity

Typically, most people only see the last three emotions on the right hand side as positive or good and all the others as bad. But here’s the catch – these are the 9 emotions that scientists describe as the fundamental emotions of human beings, where all other emotions are then derived from. 

What does this mean? It means that none of these emotions are bad. That’s right – they’re not bad, nor good. They just…are. 

 

This information is given to us by Dr Russ Harris in his book called The Happiness Trap. Harris is an author, therapist and health trainer, and explains that there are many myths about happiness that actually contribute directly to the stress, anxiety and depression that is so well-known in today’s world. One of these myths is the idea that our fundamental emotions are bad.

Can You Really Create Happiness?

If emotions are neither bad nor good, what do we do with the ones that don’t feel good?

We need to move through them, allowing space for them whilst not holding on to them as ours to keep. Once again there are plenty of techniques out there that can show us how to do this, but one of my favourites is the practice of NOW: 

N – NAME the emotion:

How many times has someone asked how you are and you’ve answered saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything BUT fine? An incorrectly identified emotion cannot be processed. If you can’t get this right, you can’t go any further. Get used to articulating your emotions by paying them attention and trying to describe them to yourself. Even doing only this first step will disempower the emotion. 

O – OF COURSE I have this emotion:

Our emotions are always present for a reason. Once you’ve named it, tell yourself, “Of course I’m having this emotion, because…” this allows you to remember that it’s okay to feel this way and stops you from trying to push down or resist the emotions that are present (because that never, ever works). 

W – WHAT'S THE FUNCTION?

Emotions are triggers, little signals that tell us something needs to be done. For example, if you’re feeling drained you may need some alone time. Or if you’re anxious, you may need to do some soul nurturing. If you’re lonely, you may need some company. The key here is to focus on finding the helpful action, and not harmful, to yourself and others. Sometimes our emotions make us want to do something harmful, so we need to evaluate all actions carefully before taking them. 

I’d say the most important part of discovering happiness is learning how to ride the waves of unhappiness. There’s no secret pill or magic word that can wipe away moments of unhappiness. And why should there be? We wouldn’t know what happiness is without the dark moments. 

Can You Really Create Happiness?

Cultivating Happiness

Sometimes our mood is simply given to us. We wake up feeling on top of the world, full of enthusiasm and hope. And sometimes we wake up and wish we could pull the covers over our head. These days will come and go just like the tides do. 

That been said, there are some activities that we can do which act as mood lifters when we need them most. They’re all great practices to use on those tough days, but they’re most effective when used consistently, as this is how you build healthy wellbeing.

There’s a sea of activities you can do to boost your mood. But ultimately, they fall into the following categories: 

Movement:

Moving your body regularly is just as beneficial for your brain as it is for your body. It releases mood-lifting chemicals in the brain such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, along with boosting confidence, energy levels, and minimizing stress.  

 

Gratitude:

A vast amount of research has proven the powerful effect that gratitude has on your mood. When you consistently express gratitude, it can improve sleep quality, reduce anxiety and depression, and regulate stress levels.  

Mindfulness:

There are so many ways to practice this ancient technique of becoming present. Mindfulness has shown to improve both physical and mental being, including lowering blood pressure, reducing chronic pain, improving anxiety disorders, and levelling out moods. 

Connectedness:

What is life without meaningful relationships with others? Connection is the foundational building block of wellbeing. People who feel connected with others have higher levels of empathy and self-esteem. They also have lower levels of depression and anxiety. According to Stanford Medicine, connection creates “a positive feedback loop of social, emotional, and physical wellbeing.”      

Can You Really Create Happiness?

As I say, how you introduce these practices into your life will be personal. It will depend on your lifestyle and priorities. But one thing that stays the same for all of us, is that a healthy balance of all these things will cultivate more happiness. 

When you think of these categories, ask yourself which of them have room for you to invest more time in them. And when you’re in a bad place, think about these things and ask yourself which of them you need a little more of in your life. 

Even once you master the skill of riding the waves on your bad days and learn how to include happiness-inducing activities in your daily life, you will experience feelings of lowness. Remember that this is a part of the authenticity of humanity. Sometimes we just need to have a good cry. Sometimes we need to embrace a silent moment. Sometimes we need the helping hand of another. 

There is a beauty in the way our emotions are so intertwined with us and yet are not us.

Categories
News

The CREATION CONUNDRUM – 7 simple guidelines

The CREATION CONUNDRUM – 7 simple guidelines

Creation is beautiful. It is at the core of life itself; and at the core of us. All we need to do is look around us to see this. Every natural and living thing you see carries the very essence of creation. And every  man made item was first a creative thought in someone’s mind. 

But the pressure to create and be innovative has intensified. There is an ever-increasing expectation for you to create something magical and original. Something that causes you to be noticed; that receives an abundance of likes and shares, so that you can ultimately gain some form of higher reward. Creativity has in many ways become the currency of future relevance.

Can you feel it?

Can we produce our greatest work when our motivation is not the fire within, but rather the commentary others – most often whom we don’t even know? This kind of dependency, so often linked to digital recognitions, depletes desire.

It’s a conundrum – surely, we must create and innovate with a mindset focused on what sells, what the need is, what the market wants and the problem we want to solve. If we don’t, our creation might be for our imagination and delight only. But if we do, creation might become a transaction, an obligation, a goal to achieve, or a measurement to meet.

The CREATION CONUNDRUM – 7 simple guidelines

What are your thoughts?

As I wrestle the above, I remind myself that I find a happy place in the creative process. Here I find moments of FLOW, a state described by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, where you are so absorbed in the work and everything else fades. Here, the reward is the work, and the process is the delight. The inner child is at play and the world is a place of opportunity. And yet, I can’t deny that I desperately want my work to have impact and reach, to make a difference, to be spoken of by many and ultimately, to sell. What do I do?

I don’t know – but here are some guidelines I try and live by.  

  1. Be curious about much – make observation and wondering a habit
  2. Don’t overthink – be the child and create with passion
  3. Love the process – create for the sake of creating
  4. Ship out your work – give your gift and put your work out there
  5. Surrender – let what happens next, simply happen
  6. Be the student – ask some good questions
  7. Be gracious – find space for laughter, forgiveness and return
The CREATION CONUNDRUM – 7 simple guidelines

Another asset worth mentioning is to have a well-rounded team by your side. How this looks is personal, but each person should play a role in connecting you with the vision (passion), returning you to the mission (impact), reminding you of the goals (reach and sales) and as a collective, you strive to reach and maintain balance between all these elements. 

Categories
News

The 4 Progress Killers And How To Beat Them With The Power Of Motion

The 4 Progress Killers And How To Beat Them With The Power Of Motion

I think all of us have felt the power of motion. It’s that sweet spot where you’ve established a rhythm that flows with decent ease and produces fruitful rewards. Such as when you’ve got into a strong routine of going to the gym, and your rhythm of workouts is so established that you’ve been at it for long enough to see strength build in your muscles. And then I’m sure we’ve all experienced the progress killers, too.  But of them all, there seems to be 4 major ones that show up. That’s why I’ve written this blog on the 4 progress killers and how to beat them with the power of motion.

 

Many things could distract us or squash our momentum, but of all these things there are 4, substantially lethal ones that shouldn’t be given a seat at your table. They are the biggest progress killers, the most daunting to look at. But all of them can be overcome if you know how to trigger motion. 

Unsupportive or Negative Feedback

Unless you’ve got the rare ability to block out the noise of this world, you do care about what people think of you; at least to a certain degree. It’s a very human thing to look to others and confide in their opinions when we want to confirm that our choices and actions have been wise ones. It’s a very important part of our connections. We need mentors, confidants, supporters and cheerleaders. But not everyone is going to be this for you. 

There will be the nay-sayers. The challengers. They might raise concerns, or have a negative opinion towards the goal you’re trying to reach. And this can be incredibly disheartening. If that persons opinion matters enough to us, it can even stop us from pursuing that goal completely. Although it doesn’t have to be, this can become a progress killer – goodbye power of motion.

Here’s the thing. We need the challengers and nay-sayers in our life because they challenge our perspectives and raise points that we might not have been aware of. They can strengthen your arguments, your beliefs, your perspectives, and your skills.
But we need to choose whose opinions we listen to, to make sure the whole world doesn’t have a say over our dreams. 

Create a trust circle for yourself, or a ‘board of members’ for your life. And then we need to process the words and advice of all the people in this circle, to make a reasoned decision forward. Sometimes the advice just means we have to change our approach slightly.

The 4 Progress Killers And How To Beat Them With The Power Of Motion

The Exhaustion Of Multiple Roadblocks

Sometimes the roadblocks just keep coming one after the other. After you’ve overcome the one, you’re hit smack bang in the face with the next. This can be an incredibly exhausting and disheartening experience. It makes me think of CAFE Life’s co-founder, Mandy, as she has been in it knee-deep, trudging through the process of registering Sivala Isikhala, an NPO that has been a long-term vision of hers. The journey is tedious, and not for the faint-hearted. Every step is accompanied by piles of paperwork and regulations. But Mandy stuck through and has the joy of reaping her rewards. 

 

Her secret? Knowing the hard part. Everything worthwhile in this life has a hard part. Think of it; to learn a new talent, you must put in the hours of studying. To become fit, you must endure the sweat and the pain of workouts. To become financially secure, you must resist the temptation to spend rather than save. The hard part is where most give up. But if you know what the hard part is before you enter the journey towards your goal, you’ve diminished the element of surprise and given yourself the advantage of preparing for it. 

 

If you haven’t reckoned with the hard part of your goal, I suggest you do it right now. Look at it square in the eyes and ask yourself whether the hard part is worth it for you. If it is, well done, you’ve given yourself a head start. If it’s not, be grateful you discovered this before spending any time or energy on something that never would have succeeded.

Losing Touch With Your Original Passion

Do you remember the first moment you decided to set your goal or pursue a dream or desire? Do you remember that feeling you had, that great purpose of WHY you wanted it? 

At the root of all success, there is passion. Passion is the burning fire that compels us to move forward. It is our compass when the fog of un-motivation or fatigue rolls in. Passion connects us to why we wanted to pursue that desire in the first place. 

 

If you don’t connect with that passion and purpose regularly, it will slip into your subconscious and remain there until you call it back out again. I’d say this is one of the most important things to reckon with when you’re trying to beat any type of progress killer and tap into the power of motion. 

The lack of passion often equals despair. Does the thought of a monotonous, compliant, stagnant life scare you? I bet it does. It scares me! 

That is what a life without passion looks like. There is no clarity in direction and purpose. 

 

We are all destined for something great. And our passions always align with that something. If we don’t pursue it, we’re letting our passions slip by. 

 

You know we love Simon Sinek. And he’s immaculately explained the power of your WHY in life, and how it’s the most important part of your strategy to achieve goals. If you haven’t heard his TEDx Talk, you need to stop reading right now and do so.  

Lack Of Vital Resources

This is such a big one. As long as we feel like we don’t have the needed resources, we won’t take a step forward. A progress killer of note, this is.
Imagine a mother who has a young child that keeps her up at night. Her desire to start a business from home will always feel out of reach because she never has the energy needed to make a start. 

Or imagine a young man who wants to become a pilot, but doesn’t have the finances. How can he study for it unless he obtains that resource? 

 

When vital resources are low, our movement is slow. But here’s the true power of motion. 

It’s not about the giant leaps forward, but rather it’s about the small, consistent steps we take. 

 

That’s the secret. If you want to succeed badly enough, you can take small steps towards it. This means you must face the hard part. Put small steps in place to work forward, whether it’s saving small amounts to go towards studying, or prioritizing a few hours on a weekend to dig into your business ideas or committing to 10 minutes of writing every day – make a start. 

 

The power of motion is closely tied to the power of habit building. James Clear is the habit guru and maps out everything you need to know about building successful and achievable habits in his book called Atomic Habits. This book will serve you as one of your most valuable tools in your journey towards success. 

Now That We Know The Progress Killers, How Do We Beat Them?

The 4 Progress Killers And How To Beat Them With The Power Of Motion

No matter which of these progress killers you face, they can be beaten with the same 5 steps. And the beauty of these steps is that you can return to them whenever you feel yourself derail or return to a feeling of being stuck in the mud. The best part is, they’re not even that complicated. 

 

1 – Become aware: Which progress killer is showing its ugly face to you today? What happened to trigger it? The first (and arguably most powerful) step to disempowering the progress killers is to become aware of them. Practice becoming aware of them, even if it’s after they’ve arisen. The more you practice, the easier and quicker it will be for you to notice them.  

 

2 – Re-centering on your WHY: As soon as you’ve become aware of being stuck, you need to remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place. What is your core passion and WHY? Reconnect with it and let it fuel your motivation to take a step forward. 

 

3 – Make a start: Don’t dive into the deep end. Just take that first step. As long as you’re moving forward, you’re doing good. And the achievement of your first step will undoubtedly fuel a desire to take another. 

 

4 – Be consistent & track your progress: Consistency is key! It’s not the measure at which you move forward that counts, but the consistency. Set achievable steps forward and stick to them. Always track your progress visibly, because seeing progress visibly is proven to increase your sense of satisfaction and increase your motivation, especially when delayed gratification is involved. 

 

5 – Feeling stuck again? Go back to point 1: Here’s the beauty of this process – if you sway off course, just go back to point one. I think of it as being like the practice of meditation. If one’s mind drifts off course and starts to wander, once we become aware of it we gently guide it back to awareness and place it on track. Treat yourself like this too, with a gentle and guiding approach. 

Nobody said it would be easy, but I can tell you with confidence that it will be worth it. The pursuit of passion is so incredibly rewarding, for yourself and those around you. 

It’s okay if we need guidance and help. Luckily, there’s a sea of resources out there that can help. 

Looking for a resource to support your forward movement? 

Look no further! CAFE Life has been telling the world about our exciting new product, Resilience In A Box, because it’s one of the most incredible tools to support you in your journey towards success. We have a whole section dedicated to motion, and I’ll tell you a little secret – I used a lot of practices and advice that we have available in there, for this blog. 

If you want your own box, it’s as simple as heading over to our online store and joining the “movement of the box.”

Categories
News

5 Practical Ways To Becoming More Innovative

5 Practical Ways To Becoming More Innovative

Innovation. The ability to create and implement fresh, progressive ideas. This skill is of ever-growing importance in a world where it feels like everything’s already been invented. That is why we’re about to share these 5 practical ways to becoming more innovative

It’s also becoming more and more daunting to step into a space of innovative thinking, for this same reason. It feels like everything has been thought of before. But of course, that’s never the case. 

The good news is, innovation is in fact a very achievable skill that you and I can grow if we put some effort into it. How do we do this, you ask? There’s many tools out there and I’m sure that a couple conversations with the right people could get you started. But the foundation of innovate thinking always boils down to 5, very practical steps. Which I’m about to share with you right now. 

The Autobiography of a Genius

Over the December holiday I tucked into Walter Isaacson’s brilliant autobiography of Leonardo Da Vinci. The book is compelling and insightful. It tells the story of a genius, whose insatiable hunger for observation, curiosity, and imagination, created some of the most exceptional innovation and art ever produced.

We Need That Hunger.

In a world of change we need hunger pains for innovation. We cannot survive by simply following. We need to find the seeds of innovation. ‘Psychologists agree that there are two routes to achievement – conformity and originality. Conformity is following the crowd and originality is taking the road less travelled.’ Adam Grant. But how do we do this?

Human Beings and Human Doers

Here is an interesting exercise. Consider the P words below and identify your favourite and least favourite word.  

  • Plan
  • Process
  • Purpose
  • Performance
  • Productivity
  • Potential
  • Profit
  • Ponder
  • Procrastinate
  • Patience
  • Presence
  • Play
  • Prepare
  • Paradox

I have done this exercise over and over with teams, always asking individuals why they chose the words they did. Purpose and Potential tend to receive the most votes for favourite, whilst least favourite has a runway winner – Procrastination.  

5 Practical Ways To Becoming More Innovative 

But there is something more to this exercise. Do you notice anything significant about the layout of the words?

The words in the left column tend to connect us with execution or doing. They are the words that make up business 101. These words and the concepts they represent form the basis of any credible course on business effectiveness. They represent doing concepts which when done well bring outcomes. 

The words on the right have a different feel. They are less about outcomes and more about feeling and simply being. They connect us to the essence of being human and highlight a most noteworthy thought: we are first and foremost human ‘beings’ and not human ‘doers.’ All these words have their place, even the most disliked word, “procrastination.” Yes, without a doubt procrastination is the enemy of achievement. But when we use it strategically, it may just produce the extraordinary. When it comes to problem solving and creativity, procrastination used in the right way might just be your greatest ally. 

Where is Innovation Found?

Innovation tends to come from the place of observation and imagination. Innovators tend to combine these attributes and in doing so, notice what others don’t notice, connect dots that others don’t see, and imagine possibilities that others can’t visualize. What column is more likely to produce this? It’s no wonder that when Leonardo was being challenged for being slow in delivering the Last Supper, he responded with a retort that went something like this, ‘The greatest geniuses accomplish more by doing less.’ Not a great line to share with your boss, but certainly a line to ponder when it comes to moving from ordinary thought to extraordinary thought. Da Vinci understood that curiosity needs to be percolated and observation needs to be brewed. Innovation is expensive on the currency of time. 

It’s Counter Intuitive

In a world that has an insatiable need for acceleration, the only way to keep up, is to slow down appropriately. We need to do, and we need action, and we to maximize our resources. But these outcomes rely more and more on upgraded ways of being and believing. This means we need to craft time for observation and imagination.

 What are some practical ways to do this? 

  • Before seeking to solve anything, ask yourself, ‘what’s the right question?’
  • Practice calm – spend a few minutes a day noticing that you are breathing – breathe deeply.
  • Play a game of noticing by calling out to yourself what you see and hear.
  • Become the child by asking ‘I wonder why?’ Follow this with ‘What if…’ Don’t settle for less than 5 answers.
  • Develop a childlike curiosity. Daily, write down a few things that need a little bit of search. Things like, ‘why is the sky blue?’ or ‘how do I increase my influence?’

It’s interesting to note that another genius of our time coined these words in a letter to a friend. ‘You and I never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born. We must be careful to never outgrow our wonder years or to let our children do so.’

 

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

5 Practical Ways To Becoming More Innovative
Categories
News

Lessons About Connection – From The Cornerman And The Statesman

5 Practical Ways to becoming more innovative

The cornerman: A terminology used for the people within the corner of a boxing ring, ready to aid and support the boxer when needed. And, what does a cornerman and a statesman have in common? And how do they have anything to do with connection?

To find out, let's first hear from the General.

From The Surgeon General

“We have a deep and binding need to be seen for who we are.”

This is a simple yet profound quote that has so resonated with me, since the moment I read it. It comes from Vivek Murthy, who served as the 19th Surgeon General of the United States of America, from 2014 – 2017.

I always find it reassuring, and confirming, when people of great influence and power notice the things in life that are generally not given much attention, such as the vital importance of being seen for who we are.

Ever Felt Invisible?

 I sat in a Cape Town Cafe a few years ago, doing what I love best – sipping on coffee, with an open laptop, seeking creativity. These experiences are always fulfilling. I’m drawn like a magnet to the aroma and buzz of this blend of experiences.

But this was not a fulfilling moment. The waitress, according to my first stormy draft of the situation, was mean and utterly disinterested in me. As much as I tried to catch her attention every time she wandered past my table, she showed no interest. Muttering to myself that I have obviously been endowered with the superpower ‘invisible’, I walked to the entrance of the shop and complained in a rather poor manner, declaring how useless their service was and how I will never come back.

I have always remembered that feeling; like you are not seen. And yet, I’d consider my experience rather trivial in comparison to some other scenarios. Imagine not being seen for your potential, your contribution, or for who you truly are – If my coffee shop experience was disempowering, just imagine how disempowering that can be.

 

Mattering Matters

We all need people who notice us, who see us for who we are, who appreciate us, who witness even the mundane activities of our life. We need people who care about us, and who rely on us in some form or manner. 

 

Understanding this should prompt two very powerful questions

 

  1. Who needs to notice me?
  2. Who should I be noticing?

 

The Commission

I once received this beautiful and un-forgetful request for my coaching services. An old colleague of mine looked me in the eyes, having just landed an executive role in a global organisation, and stated, ‘I need you in my corner.’ She understood that she needed a diverse group of people to support her and notice her in her pursuit of meaning and contribution – no matter how successful she already was.

I like the analogy of the corner. The corner is a boxing term and describes a range of people who stand in the corner of the ring. They see the boxer, they are present with the boxer and their presence supports the boxer’s ambitions.

 

Corner men are there by design and intent. It may seem strange, but we need to be strategic around our connections, identifying gaps, moving towards the right people, hungry for inclusive and diverse touchpoints, where your ability for resilience, is empowered by those who see you. This takes work and requires trust building behaviours (honest, accountability, clear expectations, etc).

Who needs to notice you? 

Tea With Madiba

If I need to be seen, so do those around me. One of the most beautiful gifts we can give anyone is the simple gift of ‘I see you.’ This does not require money, but simply the gift of attention and connection. Author Nancy Kline powerfully says, ‘People don’t shine in the glow of your charisma, they shine in the light of your attention for them. They shine because you remind them that they matter.’

 

The ability to notice people is a trait that Madiba powerfully demonstrated. As I have read and heard the stories of those who were blessed to meet him, a common thread is that of noticing or ‘I see you.’ Years ago, I ran a workshop, where one of the participants excitedly shared his personal experience of ‘tea with Madiba.’ The story brought tears to the room and highlighted the big difference that attention can make, especially when it comes to healing and reconciliation.

 

We need to give attention to build connection. Especially to those who are beyond our social sphere and status. These are the people that can teach us the most. And more than this, we need to notice what noticing does, and how the simple act of noticing unleashes potential. Building strong connections is the key to so solving much of our social and political challenges.

 

Whose life are you ensuring does not go unnoticed?

 

From The Founder Of Craigslist

Let’s close this with yet another profound quote. ‘Connecting people to heal the world over time, is the deepest spiritual principle you can have.’ I like that – sometimes I am the recipient of that healing, like the cut man in the boxing ring, and sometimes I am the giver of that healing, like the politician who made it his game, to notice. 

 

Categories
News

What A “Sabbath Day” And Productivity Have To Do With Each Other

What A Sabbath Day And Productivity Have To Do With Each Other

I know it’s an abstract topic. You’re probably thinking, “what does a Sabbath day have to do with productivity?” Let’s take a step back for a minute. I know we’ve all had a sprouting hope at the start of new years, that 2021 would miraculously snap us back into ‘normality’. Alas, the hope was short-lived, as most of us anticipated, and it left us all chasing our tails as we try to fit into the re-modelled versions of our ‘new norm’ (an overused term by now, I know). 

But there is something that’s stayed the same in society, regardless of the world’s status or the intensity of challenges:

the ‘hustle and hurry’ mentality.

No matter how much our challenges escalate, or the economy crumbles, no matter the sickness or health, the ‘hustle and hurry’ mindset is so engrained in us that it’s one of the only things we can count on being consistent.

But that doesn’t make it healthy. That doesn’t mean we don’t need a break. It just means we tell ourselves we don’t need one, and that brings major consequences in its own right. Many people think that rest reduces productivity, and “if we rest, we rust.” But it’s quite the opposite.

I hope that once you’ve read this blog, you sit back in your chair and smile with glee knowing that you have valid reasons to take a rest. And not just to take a rest, but to choose a day in the week to make completely sacred in rest – to make a Sabbath day.

Understanding The Sabbath

Traditionally, the Sabbath is a very spiritual practice that is believed to be needed every seventh day of the week. It is seen as a holy day of rest. 

And although it’s rooted in spiritual beliefs, it’s also a little broader than that – 

John Mark and Jeff from the podcast Fight Hustle, End Hurry say, “Sabbath is a day. It’s a 24-hour time period that is a practice by which we cultivate a spirit of restfulness for all 7 days of the week.” 

So you see, they’re talking about taking a day off to completely and utterly find rest. It’s a day that you treat so sacred, that nothing interferes with your plans for rest and rejuvenation. And if you manage to do this, you’ll find out just how much of an energy booster it can be. Now, what this day looks like might be different for everyone and I’ll touch on that in a second. But first, let’s look at the key components to forming a day of Sabbath.

The 4 Factors Of A Sabbath

 John Mark and Jeff speak in their podcast about the four elements that you need to make a Sabbath day your reality: 

S T O P
R E S T
D E L I G H T
W O R S H I P / R E C E N T R E

Let’s dive into these to enable understanding the Sabbath even more…

S T O P

Stop working, stop thinking of working, stop worrying, stop wanting, stop the grind and hustle! 

 It’s so easy to say that we’re “taking a day off”,  but to continue thinking about work, running errands, cleaning the house, or glancing over at our emails. To stop completely means we must release the daily hustle in such a way that it’s completely out of our minds. A Sabbath day is not the same as an ‘off day’ where we do things we need to do like mow the lawn or grocery shop. The only thing you should do on this day is the things that make you come alive. 

The essence of this part of the process is to return to a space of mindfulness, where your attention and engagement is within the moment and experiences of the day, allowing you to relish it without the distractions that we so often find emerging. 

R E S T

Your mind, body, and spirit

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you imagine resting on a weekend? Mine is a lazy slow coffee in bed. I love those morning chats with the family, and the moments to simply ‘be’ that we don’t find within the week. These are the moments that energize us and enable us to do more.

REST and STOP, go hand in hand. Once you STOP and become mindful, you find a place to REST. 

The way this looks will be different for us all, and it’s often found in the small moments such as the morning coffee in bed, watching a movie, meditating, sleeping in, or taking time to do nothing at all. Rest is rest, in whichever way your body, mind and soul need it.

D E L I G H T

 Feeding yourself with something that delights your soul makes you feel alive.

This is going to look different for everyone. Yes, this day should involve a physical rest, but it should also involve things that you DELIGHT in – that give you an energy booster and make you feel alive, like someone closed all the tabs on your computer brain. 

For example, when I think of what delights me I think of yoga, climbing, and surfing. These are all physically exerting activities so I have to balance them with rest, but they bring me back to life. My whole family thrives in doing these things and come home feeling like we’ve just pressed the reset button. That being said, good sleep and an afternoon nap follow if my body wants it (making sure you tick off the ‘rest’ box above). 

W O R S H I P / R E C E N T R E

If your spiritual, this is a day to centre it in your life and bring it towards the forefront and give your time to this. Worship, prayer, deep discussions and spiritual practices are all included. If you don’t consider yourself to be spiritual, this is a day to recentre yourself. This is a time to ground yourself in your purpose and values for the week ahead. Return to your “why” for everything you do and place it in the centre of your mind for the week ahead.

Restfulness Boosts Productivity

So, I’m sure that just by reading the above you will feel a great desire to implement a Sabbath day in your house. It’s an intentional, beautiful way to recharge. And by doing this, not only do we push against the spirit of restlessness, anxiety, worry, stress etc. but we invite calm productivity that can last for the whole week ahead. And, it can boost your productivity too. 

 A great example of this is the experiment carried out in Sweden about the “future of work”, where they reduced work hours. The result was fewer sick days, and even increased productivity! We see similar results across the world where they have introduced 3 day weekends. 

But we can’t all have reduced hours or 3 day weekends. And that is why we need to dig into our Sabbaths and make them super sacred. This way we can still benefit by starting our week off strong, alive, awake, centred, and happy. All this acts as a major energy booster, making you ready and able to contribute to our world. 

 Make A Start   

Contemplate the days that you’re off and choose one of them that you know you’re least likely to be called on for work or responsibilities of any kind. Decide on this day with your family and make sure everyone’s in on the deal. Remember, you’re going to make this day the highlight of your week that you look forward to – that’s why it’s important to make sure you’re doing stuff you love, with people you love. Try to excite your loved ones about the idea of it. 

“Start where you are, not where you think you should be.” If you can only do a few hours of a Sabbath, that’s still a good place to start. You might also need a smaller start, such as starting with simple practices like turning off your phone, sleeping in an hour, taking a half-hour to pray or meditate, or spending an hour of undivided attention with loved ones.

Deciding On Your Sabbath Activities 

As I mentioned before, the way your day looks will be very personal. You can’t compare your Sabbath to your friends Sabbath, because the things that make them stop, rest, delight, and worship/recentre will be vastly different to yours. 

So here’s a starting point for you to paint a picture around your Sabbath day: 

STOP:

List all the things that you know you struggle to put aside on the weekend. All the things you can’t stop worrying about, the work you always think of or do, the things that make you feel overwhelmed or restless. On your Sabbath day, take a look at this list and make a deal with yourself to put it out of your head. Every time you find it creeping in, visualize a big whiteboard eraser wiping it clean. 

REST:

List all the things that you view as absolute rest – when you think of it, you almost take a deep breath and melt into a chair. 

DELIGHT: 

List all the things that make you feel alive – that you delight in and feel like a complete energy booster. Preferably, hopefully, some of these things your family delight in too. Maybe it’s a walk in the forest, picnic on the lawn, painting with your kids, or cooking with the family. Consider which of these can be included in your Sabbath. 

Side note:
If it’s active (like my climbing and surfing), don’t let this take up the entirety of your Sabbath otherwise you will probably still feel tired, as you need to physically rest too. Plan it in a way to allow total rest after. 

WORSHIP/RECENTERE:

 

If you have strong spiritual beliefs, this will be the time to pray, meditate, read, or journal spiritual thoughts. If you don’t consider yourself to be spiritual, use this time to cultivate deeper meaningful conversations with loved ones, and to align your family with morals and values. This is a beautiful opportunity for anyone with kids to introduce fun, interesting ways of having conversations around topics that need a parent’s guidance such as how do we treat others, what ways are we living into our values, and what was a lesson we learnt in the week that just passed? 

Let It Be Organic 

After you decide on your Sabbath day and the ways it will cultivate a spirit of restfulness, let it flow organically. There’s no need to stick to a strict schedule or get uptight about things not going as planned. Remember, this must be a day of no worry, a day of stop, rest, delight, and worship/recenter. And the more you treat it as such, the more it will become so.

Categories
News

What Does Contagion Have To Do With Behaviours?

Contagion is a term that stays high in my levels of consciousness today. And the pandemic has raised it even higher, by giving this term new meaning. The education I have received from things like masks and social distancing, has brought home the previously unrealized notion that we physically infect each other all the time.  But where do behaviours come in? 

My education about contagion

It's not limited to physical infection.

There is a term called social and emotional contagion. And this notion is even more alarming than the comprehension of how easily we infect each other physcially. 

Have you ever had an experience where the mere presence of another person shifts your mood? Their emotions, or emotional state, is almost tangible and immediately you feel yourself shift? This is social and emotional contagion.

Daily we infect each other by our behaviour and attitude. And this infection is contagious. People literally catch our behaviour and attitude. In other words, my behaviour and attitude can give you permission to behave just like me.

From planes, to weights, to rubbish.

The plane approaches the landing strip, and the air hostess repeats, ‘cell phones must be off.’ But the guy next to me ignores the instruction and begins to text. What happens now?

A )           You complain openly to the air hostess about it 

B  )         Think internally, “what a jerk!” 

C   )        Also switch on your phone and send a text

A very likely answer is C: He gives me permission to do the same. It’s like the guy at gym who leaves the weights on the bar. When I finish at the bench press, I do the same, as ‘nobody else seems to be putting the weights away.’

The good news about this type of contagion is that it goes both ways. When I walk down a street and pick up litter, unbeknown to me, I just might be infecting another with a dose of responsibility.

Who are the 5 people?

Jim Rohn has the beautiful quote, ‘We are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with.’

Why? Because we infect each other. Invest too much time with the whiners, the aggressors, or those who love mediocrity and sadly, we become them. And in the same light, be with those who are kind, who find answers, who dare greatly, and it’s hard to stay the same.

Finding the right models

We are all wired for connection. That’s one of the reasons why this past year has felt so weird and messy. We need to connect and associate with others. We need to be seen. But based on our newfound awareness of contagion, we must be purposeful in connection.

A most essential component of connection are the people we bring in to our ‘corner’ who become a model or reference point for us. We call these our “cornermen/cornerwomen”. A model is someone who shows you what’s possible or not. A model might be known personally or through publicity. Regardless of who they are, appoint them based on how they stretch you into a better version of yourself.

From Noah, to Federer, to the mother

If Trevor Noah is your model, disadvantage does not define you. Whereas if Roger Federer is your model, you renegotiate retirement age. And if the single mom who overcomes hurdles for the sake of her children is your model, you know you can push through. But if the guy who cannot usher a good word about anyone is your model, don’t be surprised by your own callousness.

The questions...

What am I giving people permission to do?

 

Who should my models be?     

 

There could easily be more questions that surface if you spend a few minutes pondering. If we constantly ask questions that evoke perspective and awareness, our conscious actions will become fueled by our perspective and awareness. We can have more of a say over the way we live our lives, and less is left up to the fate of our contagions that we aren’t aware of.

All I can say, is that I hope I make my best behaviours, my most conscious and contagious ones.  

Categories
News

Soft Skills And Connection: You Can’t Have One Without The Other

Soft Skills & Connection: you can't have one without the other
Soft Skills & Connection: you can't have one without the other

When it comes to soft skills and connection, the two are more interconnected than you might realise. In fact, they have everything to do with each other.

It’s the beginning of March, and I would like to applaud everyone for making it this far – no really, it’s been one heck of a ride! Because amongst all the chaos of this pandemic, the hustle and bustle of everyday life carried on too. No pause button to hit here. 

And now, many of us are returning to our offices and daily lives, where we are met by our colleagues that have the same, disconnected look in their eyes that we have. Isolation has been a collective experience for most of us, and returning to society can feel a little awkward after being away for so long. We need to rekindle our connections, and learn how to ignite our soft skills in this new world.

Soft skills are often referred to as interpersonal skills because most of the time, they are used when working with others.​

But what many don’t realise is that they have a lot to do with the way we work with ourselves, too. Now if you ask Simon Sinek, he’ll call them “Human Skills”, because he believes they are basic skills needed to interact healthily with others. And I quite agree.

So you see, strong healthy connections cannot be present unless you have good ‘human skills’. But soft skills cannot be demonstrated or used unless you have a connection with others. You cannot have one without the other.

So, why are soft skills becoming so important?

Technology is changing the way that a lot of hard skills are done. It’s automating hard skills at an increasingly rapid pace. Soft skills, however, cannot be so easily measured and taught – and not so easily replaced either.

This rapid revolution in technology is a reality, beyond anything that you and I can change and we need to recognize this. Specialising in only hard skills will, in the long run, make you less valuable. You already have natural ‘soft skills’, it’s just a matter of developing them. Not only will this benefit your career, but every relationship you have, too.

Here’s some examples of well-known soft skills: 

  • Problem solving
  • Teamwork
  • Productivity
  • Time management
  • Innovation
  • Creativity
  • Work ethic
  • Empathy

Let's play a game real quick.

Look at someone you admire and know fairly well.  Ask yourself two questions:

1 ) What soft skills do you admire in them?

2) What are their connections like around them – are they strong?

Chances are that if their soft skills are strong, their connections are healthy. The good news is that these skills can be learnt and strengthened. 

Use your soft skills to form good connections. Form good connections, and your soft skills will shine.

connection and soft skills

But to have this, you need to take a big step back and start at the beginning: start with yourself. Because before you can use your ‘human skills’ with anyone else, you must apply them to yourself first. The way you interact with yourself overflows to others. To contribute to creativity within a team, you first need to nurture your own creativity. To show empathy to others, you first must understand, embrace and move through your own emotions. It starts with self.

So let’s visit the self for a bit and look at some fundamental human skills.

The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz is a renowned spiritual teacher and best-selling author of The Four Agreements. He speaks about the inspiration behind it on an episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations. Ruiz says that if you can commit to these four agreements with yourself, you are guaranteed to see positive changes in your life:

  • Be IMPECCABLE with your word...Once you say you’re doing something, stick to it! Most of the time, we are worst at staying true to ourselves than we are to others. But you’ll also find that if you cannot stick to your word with yourself, how can you stick to it with others?
  • Don’t take anything PERSONALLY... life is a learning journey. If we take things personally, we’re allowing our challenges to define us, to become us. This doesn’t have to be the case. Instead, they can inform us; inform our actions, choices, our lessons. Nothing has to be personal; we choose if we want to take it that way.
  • Make no ASSUMPTIONS... ever. Assumptions are stories we’ve made up based on half-truths, not on facts. These can lead us astray in every area of our life. As soon as you feel yourself making an assumption, pause and make an effort to discover more facts around that situation.
  • Always do your BEST... at everything. If you do your very best at staying true to the four agreements above, you can't lose. If you try your best at everything you do, you can always be proud of yourself. You can always say that even if you made mistakes or could’ve done something better, you did the best you were capable of in that time.

Once you’ve committed to these four agreements with yourself, it will be easy, almost organic, for you to commit to them in your relationships and connections. It will naturally flow into all areas of your life because it will become who you are. How sweet the fruits of commitment can be! 

Where does connection come in?

Once again, we must return to the beginning: only once you become connected to yourself, can you connect with others. The fundamental to building strong commitments is trust. But how do you build trust? You build it when you carry out a series of actions that prove you are trustworthy; enter the four agreements. Stick to these, and you are proving that you can trust yourself and in turn, that others can trust you too.

To become more connected with yourself and others, you need a few fundamental factors in place for the connection to grow:

  • COMMITMENT: if you say you going to do something you need to build up evidence that you are committed to doing it. If you can’t take yourself seriously then why on earth should others take you seriously? People constantly listen and watch if there is misalignment. Commitment is vital in connecting with yourself, and with others.
  • INVESTMENT: When you invest in something, it means you put a resource of yours into it because it matters to you. So when you invest in yourself and others, this is the message you’re giving. Consider what area of growth you’d like to invest in for yourself. And then look at what resources you have an abundance of and utilise them to invest in others. It might be time, support, money, skills, knowledge, or emotional energy.
  • MUTUAL BENEFIT: Again, starting with you. Are you benefiting from all aspects of your life? Is there some way you could benefit more? What, why, how, when? In the same way, both sides of your relationships must be benefitting from your connection. It’s an act of give-and-take, almost like a tennis match; both parties need to hit the ball for the game to be played.
  • PERSPECTIVE: This is a power tool. Whenever you feel stuck or clouded in judgment, taking a step back will show you a world of unexplored opportunities. Just as this is important in your life, it’s important with others too. Constantly creating perspective will allow you to understand alternative opinions, and see things from the other person's view. It demonstrates that you care, by inviting conversations that matter. Blind spots might arise that you didn’t know about.
  • DEMONSTRATION: You need to walk the walk that you talk. Your demonstration is the act that proves you are worthy of trust to yourself and others. You can show this through the actions you take, the things you say. If you say that you’re going to invest in your education, do it - sign up for that evening class. If you say you’re going to attend your colleague's book launch, do it. Your demonstration shows that you care about ‘US’, that you’ve listened carefully and understood what really matters to the other person.

The secret glue that binds this all together?

Consistency. You’ll only be able to form connections and see an impact from your human skills if you are dedicated to taking actions that move you towards this.  Once you’ve committed to living a life of contribution and connection, prove to yourself you can stick to it. If you think about it, we’ve done a 360-degree turn and come right back to the first of Ruiz’s four agreements: be impeccable to your word.

Categories
News

15,34% … Why This Number Can Motivate You Right Now

15,34% ... Why This Number Should Motivate You Right Now
set your intentions for 2021

If my math’s is right, then today the 26th of February 2021, means we’ve completed 15,34% of the year. Let’s pause and think about that for a second. What’s the feeling you get when you hear that number? Me: absolute PANIC. I feel like I’ve just left the starting block, not 15,34% down the track. The good news is, we’re about to show you how to use this number to motivate yourself. 

 

The fast pace of time is a scary reality of life. Whatever our objectives are for 2021, they need to be in an increasing state of motion. At the very worst, hopefully, they are at least 15,34% along the track by now.

But ... We're Experiencing 'The Dip'.

Sadly, motion is probably not a collective experience we’re having at the moment. In fact, the opposite is taking place for many of us, described by a wonderful term called ‘The Dip’. Instead of our ambitions and objectives accelerating up the track with fantastic enthusiasm, we might find that our resolve is slowing down. That we’re actually falling behind the measure.

We tend to come face to face with the worries, busyness, routine, and the realities of each year in the month of February. The buoyed hope of a new year, where our declarations of achieving new heights, and the early acceleration found in the first two weeks of the year, are now distant. We are in The Dip. This is where a scary thought slips in: that this year might just become another year of average treading on the treadmill of life.

I have found increased freedom and ease in a simple thought process that only has two lines:

Intention needs direction 

Direction needs systems  

A common symptom of goals getting lost in the mire of routine is lack of clarity. Clarity empowers focus and energy. We need aligned clarity for our intention, direction and systems.

Intention

What is your intention this year? Your intention is a powerful notion that connects you to a place of desire, focus and authenticity. With that in mind, how would you complete this sentence?

My intention in 2021 is….

 Intention could be compared to pregnancy, where we might ask ourselves ‘I wonder what this baby will become’? I find I need to make my intention somewhat emotional, and fairly simple. Without intention, we are aimless beings, void of excitement and meaning. Intention is sometimes found in outcomes like growth, and sometimes in virtues like gratitude or love. 

When I am about to have a conversation with a person, I clarify my intention first. This empowers how I show up and makes me less vulnerable to another person’s response. Intention, when daily declared and engaged, enables a continual return to your chosen, predestined path. Un-clarified intention makes you susceptible to living the default intentions of survival, or even society.

Direction

Once you’ve clarified your intentions, your intentions need direction. How would you complete the following sentence?

My intention for 2021 is…This intention is leading me towards….

The intention of ‘love’ is possibly the noblest intention of all. But where’s love taking you? What’s the objective? And what’s possible because of love? What pictures of possibility emerge because you are intentional?

Over the years I have quoted the movie Shawshank Redemption so often, that I try and avoid overdoing it nowadays. But when it comes to envisioning pictures, I haven’t found a better example. Andy, the protagonist in the movie, has the intention of freedom. Freedom opens up a wonderful picture of choice, of a little hotel by the sea, fishing and productivity. Our intentions should open up the door of aligned possibility. Finding these pictures might require that we engage the ‘struggle’, allowing our mind to include and transcend the busyness of our year.

Something that can propel you forward is to really start paying attention to what you say – start using motional language to trigger motion, and the motivation will follow.  

Systems

Brene´ Brown beautifully says, ‘Slogans need systems.’ That profound statement has informed much of my internal thinking. Without the system, or the practice, or the discipline, we live in false hope.

Finally, how would you complete this sentence?

My intention for 2021 is……. This intention is leading me towards….The system/s I have put in place so that I move forward daily is…

Systems are best when they’re simple. They are actions, decisions, rituals or processes that are followed consistently, that cast votes for the intention. A system for fitness might mean religiously taking out your workout gear every night, ready for use when the alarm goes off in the early morning. And the manager who says, ‘my intention is connected staff’ will need a system that brings people into a place of connection, where deep communication and understanding takes place. Andy from Shawshank Redemption has a simple one: ‘dig when everybody sleeps.’

 

As we enter March, may we find a renewed resolve to make 2021 a strong year. Why not; we still have 84,66% of this year to make the magic.

Categories
News

How To Find Self-Motivation In Tough Times

how to find motivation in tough times
motivation

Trying to find  self-motivation in tough times is, well…tough. And COVID-19 has definitely brought on some wide-spread challenges for people trying to maintain their self-motivation. This pandemic has turned our work life upside-down numerous times, with multiple balls being thrown into the mix, increasing the juggle. The combination of this as well as the general weight of isolation and lockdown’s, has us all feeling very…blah. 

 

But how can anyone blame us? According to Relocate Magazine, “44% of employees under 35 years old say that a lack of motivation has been hindering their performance at work since the start of the coronavirus outbreak in March, according to new research by management consultancy Lane4”. 

The paradoxical problem to this, is that we need our motivation now more than ever before. Job loss is scaling to massive proportions, businesses are closing down, and the economy crashing. We need to perform optimally in order to maintain job security. 

How To Become More Self-Motivated?

If you’re told that there is a  “get it fast” remedy for how to find self-motivation, treat it like a fake watch – not to be trusted. Motivation waxes and wanes. It is like the tides of the sea. It comes, and it goes. This is life, unfortunately. However, I can tell you that what you’re about to read will add tools to your ‘toolkit for life’. And if you are persistent with these practices and use them daily, you’ll find yourself wading through the mud of un-motivation far easier, reaching the other side sooner.

How to find motivation in tough times

1. Return To The Basics - Why Are You Doing This?

What is the reason you do what you do? Is it because you’re passionate about your work? You’re saving to provide a better life for your family? Wanting to create a worldwide movement? You may not be finding everyday work particularly enjoyable right now, so make sure you remind yourself of this core reason daily. Stick it up on your wall, or place it in your sock drawer, in your car, or anywhere visible. 

How to find motivation in tough time s

2. Set Easy-To-Achieve Goals

Don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t let the overwhelm of your to-do-list get you down…start simply. Ask yourself what the bare minimum is that you need to complete today, to feel you were productive. Maybe it’s only 3 time consuming things, or maybe it’s 5 small boxes to tick off. Whatever it is, make sure that you’re confident no matter the disruptions or mishaps, you can at least tick these off. Chances are that once you’ve completed these tasks, you’ll feel a boost of energy and find the enthusiasm to complete more. 

If you’re at a loss for where to start, check out these 5 templates to help plan your business goals.

how to find motivation in tough times

3. Change It Up A Bit

Sometimes a change of scenery does the trick. Tired of sitting in your at-home office, staring at the same old walls? Get out and find a small (Covid regulated) Coffee shop that will allow you to do your kind of work in peace and quiet. 

You can even go a step further and book yourself away for a couple of days to work at a different spot. Splash Inn B&B is a paradise of its own, aimed at accommodating business people and their needs. They also have a wide list of activities for the area, meaning you can choose your work spots and find some exciting things to do during your breaks!

How to find motivation in tough time

4. Put Your Stresses Into A Little Box

You know how we’re usually told to think outside the box? Well, this time I’m telling you to embrace the box. The box is your friend. But…only if it’s a small box. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by tasks and have no motivation to complete them, break them down into steps (aka little boxes). Discover what the next right thing to do is, and simply start there. And only once you’ve done this first step, you should move on to the next.

How to find motivation in tough time s

5. Take A Well Earned Break

Yes, you need a break. And yes, you deserve it. Be generous with grace, and remember that things are particularly tough right now. Tasks that you might have been able to cope with previously, can be incredibly overwhelming in our current time. 

Sometimes, 5 – 10 minute breaks every hour can be more effective than taking one long break.

How to find motivation In tough times

6. Combat The Negative With The Neutral

Studies have shown that the best combat for negative thoughts is not positive thoughts. It is in fact, neutral thoughts.

Positive thoughts tend to be outlandish and unrealistic. Instead, return to the facts of the matter. So when you hear yourself saying , “Oh my word, that presentation went so bad. I wasn’t nearly prepared, I looked like the biggest fool , I’m going to lose my job, I can’t even cope with being a parent right now,  let alone bringing in money…” Stop that thought-train right there! Pause, and get back to the neutral. It wasn’t the worst day of your life, it was just a bad day. You’re not a fool, you’re exhausted and over-extended. You just need to ask for a little more time on this project. 

How to find motivation in tough times

7. Know Your Supportive Network

Lockdown has us all feeling lonely. In fact, the Southern African Labour And Development Research Unit did a study revealing that our nation is experiencing “low levels of emotional well-being during the COVID-19 related lockdown, with no less than 72% of young participants revealed to be having depressive symptoms.” 

That’s a whopping number, if you ask me. To combat this, you need to lean on your supportive connections. Speak to them, and stay honest if you’re over-loaded or need some time off. If these stats can tell you anything, it’s that we’re all experiencing this heaviness in some degree; you’re not alone. I for one have found myself constantly surprised by the support and grace I’ve received every time I needed to put my hand up and say that I’m not coping. It might surprise you when you realise that what you’re feeling is the experience of many. It’s rather comforting, I think. 

boosting energy levels

8. Renew Your Energy Wells

We’ve all got things that act as ‘energy well’  rejuvenating us when we’re run down. Think about it ; is there a place, a hobby, a practice, or an experience that you find very relaxing, yet rejuvenating at the same time? 
It could be as simple as putting your bare feet on the grass, going for a swim, listening to some music, sitting in stillness, meditating or going for a run. It could be cooking, writing, reading, or listening to a good podcast. Find these things, and write them down. Be sure to find time during the day, especially when you’re asking how to find self-motivation, to return to these things. Often these activities are great at boosting our energy levels and make us feel fresh again. 

How to find motivation in tough times

And Lastly...Just Ride The Wave

Alright, so you could be doing all these things, ticking the boxes off and still feeling totally unmotivated. That’s totally fine! I have it all the time, and the truth is, often you need to ride it out. If I could switch on that motivation-button for you, trust me I would. But there is one thing I can tell you: be consistent. Keep doing these things daily. Most importantly, keep creating your list of bare minimums that you have to get done for the day, and ticking those off one at a time. You might still be riding out the wave of un-motivation, but eventually … you’ll push through. Eventually you’ll start to feel a flow going, and the light will appear at the end of the tunnel. 

There is no quick fix that can be applied to this. And if you’re told that there is, I’d advise you treat that information the same way you’d treat a fake watch; with suspicion. Motivation is a process. A work of art to be mastered. But once you master it, you’ll know yourself well enough to know the drill next time the ‘slump train’ rolls by and you find yourself seated in the front row.

Categories
News

Resources For Resilience: Why You Need Them In Your Life

Resources for resilience and why we need them

Think of a book that you have read, or perhaps listened to, that was impactful. Do you remember the parts that stood out? Those places that brought a moment of joy and discovery, where (assuming you’re like me), you scribbled down something like ‘NB NB NB –This is SO GOOD – WOW’. 

I often return to books, especially those that fit into the status of ‘impactful’. When I do, I am equally amazed and frustrated at how much I’ve forgotten. The story or quote that was unforgettable, that was marked as important, somehow blurred into vagueness. I ponder, ‘how could I have forgotten that?’ 

Resources Come In An Abundance Of Forms.

Some examples of resources is knowledge, energy, connections, and material mean. When we gather resources, they become like a well-equipped tool box. You can pick and choose which you need at that given moment, to help you through problems or to leverage opportunities.
If you have the right resources, you’ve got a better chance of transcending challenges.

Resources And Resilience: Why You Need them In Your Life

Getting back to the scribbled pages on my book. A resource is only valuable if you know you have it. “To know and not to do, is the same as not to know.” The most powerful messages in a book are useless if you don’t know they are there.

You need to make resources accessible, easy to retain, and within reach. Something that can be used at any moment, and easily passed on to another in need. Likewise, you need resources that enable strong connections with others, accountability in life, forward motion, broader perspectives, and spark our energy.

In 2017 the World Health Organisation declared depression as the leading cause of disability in the world. This alarming statistic is rather understandable when you realise that the majority of us are experiencing regular moments of worry and stress.

What's Causing This?

Our world is continually changing. It has an insatiable appetite for innovation. Unprecedented challenges are knocking at our doors. To navigate these uncertainties and adapt successfully, we need to learn, unlearn, and relearn. We need to place a premium on being equipped. Our toolbox needs to have an array of usable resources. 

 

Resilience is an incredibly powerful practice, with many resources interlinked into it. Resilience is a muscle we develop. The muscle develops through doing and practicing, and not in theoretical spaces. Our physical muscles need things like a gym, weights, bicycles, and other equipment or programs to build and develop them. Just like this, to build your resilience you need clear and attainable practices. 

Resilience In A Box

And That's Exactly Why We Created Resilience In A Box.

Resilience in a Box provides these practices. The practices are aimed at growing our resilience so that we can walk with a strong 21st-century ‘posture’, no matter what we face. Each of the 80 cards in this box are a resource for resilience. They contain a principle, a practice, and examples through storytelling that supports the ‘touch and feel’ of the principle. The resources allow for sharing, enabling each of us to be a support to our family or team members, by simply passing on the card. 

That’s why we created Resilience in a Box. That’s why this box is transformational and life-changing. 

Categories
News

What RESILIENCE Actually Means And How It Will Change Your Life Forever

What Resilience actually means

I wake in the morning, with the sensation of anxiety creeping over me. The morning light is beautiful, but I haven’t yet noticed its gifts. I’m too busy fretting over all the things I must achieve today. Dread overcomes me as I tell myself I don’t have what it takes to achieve these things. How do I do remarkable work when I don’t feel remarkable?

The situation I just described is a common experience for so many of us. Life’s demands are upon us, and there is no way to escape them in our fast-paced, insistent working world.

In 2017, the World Health Organization announced depression was the “leading cause of disability around the world”. But this doesn’t mean it’s something we should accept as our norm – what it means is that all of us are running on empty. We’re all missing something; an ancient, deep, core necessity, that isn’t being met. To avoid a world of burnt out, broken people, we need to do something about this and fast. Enter… resilience.

What is resilience and why do we need it?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, resilience is:

the ability to be happy, successful, etc. again after something difficult or bad has happened

Resilience is like the pillar that holds us up when the winds of chaos and change are trying to knock us down. It’s the thing that can make us return to our state of happiness, fulfilment, and success. It’s vital. And yet, so many of us are unaware of the role it can play in our success.

Let’s address resilience in the workplace for a minute.

windows-w79mIrYKcK4-unsplash

Every engine needs fuel to move, oil to function properly, and every mechanism plays a vital role in making it run as it should. Your organisation is like a machine, too. You need every team member to perform as they should, to give 100 percent effort, and to be oiled up with passion. Your people need to be thriving so you can have a thriving, healthy business.

Resilience is the mechanism that will make sure you are capable, strong, and equipped enough to embrace and fulfil your roles. It enables happiness, makes space for meaning, and prepares us for the fall so we can get up again strong.

What does it mean to live a resilient life?

There’s something different about people that actively grow their resilience. It’s not like they have a specific character type, but rather, they have a specific behaviour. They respond differently to the things life throws at them. Often you’ll find they…

Have strong, healthy connections to their networks, both immediate and distant

Embrace accountability in their life and daily environments

Maintain a consistent forward-motion, refusing to become stuck in unwanted places or situations

Embrace a broadened perspective that continuously grows in knowledge and understanding

 

Utilise the natural resources around them that bring peace, energy, restoration, and health

When faced with conflict, they prepare well-thought-out responses before they react

Choose the road to meaning and purpose over the easy or expected one.

Have a solid grounding in their identity, their values, and their purpose in this life, which drives their choices and actions

When you read this, you might feel completely daunted. You may even believe that this is far too much for you to achieve on your own. It can feel overwhelming if you don’t know the steps to take.

So how do you make resilience a partner in your journey? It may surprise you – but it’s not as hard as it seems.

There is something powerful about a collective of people that unite in shared energy, vision, and culture. Imagine your work team arriving in the morning with stars in their eyes, energy bursting from them, and all the enthusiasm in the world to do their best. How much more successful might their day be? Resilience is equally important in your personal life as it is in your work life. You need resilience for all sides of life to be balanced and healthy; after all, both personal and work life call for a contribution of yourself.

Mustering up resilience doesn’t have to be hard. And it won’t be – if you have a guided process to take you there.

Resilience In A Box - The Little Box Of Big Change

CAFE Life is a seasoned business that has worked for countless organisations and individuals for 15 years. And we’ve taken all the knowledge that we’ve attained and placed it into our most recent product: Resilience In A Box. Tailor-made to guide you into a place where resilience thrives in your life.

We’ve made this easy for you and created 80 cards, with each being dedicated to a specific focus point around these 5 key aspects. Because of its easy-to-read format and guided index, it can be engaged in any way you need. Whether it be as a morning booster, after a specific moment where you need more guidance, or to prepare for something to come. It’s the perfect tool to use individually, and in team environments where a collective building of resilience is needed.

Start your journey towards resilience

 Here are 5 practices that CAFE Life suggests you use to start your journey to resilience. And you only have to spend 5 – 10 minutes a day on each of them to feel a difference.

The tips in the above link are a little taster of the information you can expect to find in our Resilience In A Box. We’ve wanted to share this gift with the world for 2 years now, and the time has finally come. This little box is bringing some big change to you, your family, and your work life.

Don't Hesitate.

 Make this a reality in your life. Contact us today to find out more or make your order.

Contact Us Order Now
Categories
News

Improve Your Resilience Today – 5 Practices That Really Work

Below are 5 Practices that really work to improve your resilience. And the best part is that they’re so easy, you can start them today. 

These practices are derived from our latest, and most exciting, product called Resilience In A Box. CAFE Life is bringing resilience to your door with this pack of 80 cards. These cards address countless situations and scenarios, providing practices for each of them. When you engage these practices, you will create resilience. Equipped with easy 3 step practices and real-life examples, this box of cards is suitable for anybody from any walk of life. 

Here are 5 practices that CAFE Life suggests you use to start your journey to resilience. And you only have to spend 5 - 10 minutes on each of them to feel a difference.

kalen-emsley-4mHZqgoZQu8-unsplash

5 PRACTICES TO BUILD RESILIENCE

Nurture connection and write a message of gratitude to someone that’s blessed you. Not only does gratitude combat depression, but it also strengthens your relationships. You don’t have to send the message, but good things always come when you do.

Be accountable and tick something off before breakfast. When you complete something important to you early in the day, you’re going to feel like an absolute winner. You’ll feel accountable, capable,  productive, and you’ll automatically set yourself up to win for the rest of the day. There are many benefits to being an early riser. 

Create motion by taking a small step towards your dreams. What is a small, achievable step you can take every day that brings you closer to your desires or purpose? Maybe it’s writing a few words, or listening to an informative podcast, or booking some time in your day to brainstorm your big project? This practice is widely known as compound growth. 

Broaden your perspective by challenging your beliefs. Convictions are beautiful and good. But we tend to think that if we question them, they’ll crumble. And yet,  it’s actually the opposite. Question the grey areas of what you believe, read books, listen to podcasts, talk to people with opposing views, and do research. Either you’ll find your beliefs become deepened, or another great, eye-opening moment will show you that you need to dig deeper and discover more. Not only can it help you understand others, but perspective can also help you understand yourself. 

Ignite your inner spark and move your body. Our body is meant to be moved, stretched, and used. Even if it’s 5 -10 minutes a day, your body will be thankful. Maybe it’s a quick ab workout, a stretch, yoga, or a jog. Not only does it make you feel more energetic and happier, but it has countless benefits in every area of your life. 

Remember, the key to feeling the benefits of these practices is consistency and dedication.

Start today, and you'll be thankful tomorrow.

WHY WAIT?

Contact Us Today

to Find Out More or Make Your Order
Resilience In A Box is the key to unlocking your potential. 

Say HelloOrder Now
Categories
News

Practicing Gratitude Will Make You Healthier – And This Is How

Practicing Gratitude will make you healthier, and this is how

Yesterday we released a podcast that highlighted gratitude as a major mood lifting ‘medicine’.  Now, we’re going deeper. Because gratitude isn’t only a mood lifter. Practicing gratitude regularly will actually make you healthier. And this is how.

 

Practicing gratitude makes you healthier and this is how

It’s largely debated whether gratitude is a virtue, behavior or a value. But It’s also most widely known as “The mother of all virtues”. This is because gratitude has been said to trigger the growth of other virtues like patience, humility and wisdom. So in other words, if you’ve got gratitude, you’re starting at a good place for encouraging mental wellness.

Gratitude is actually a well-researched and deeply evaluated aspect of our human nature. Animals as diverse as birds and bats have been acknowledged to extend a nature of generosity and gratitude.

Studies have found that gratitude improves health in numerous areas of life...

Practicing Gratitude will make you healthier, and this is how

Gratitude slaps negativity in the face.

One study was done on the effects of writing gratitude letters. It suggests that writing about our gratitude shifts our attention away from toxic negative emotions, and towards the good ones. Interestingly, it’s the lack of negative words, not the amount of good ones, that do the trick.

So when we practice daily expression of gratitude, it quenches the bad vibes. It’s not necessarily the act of sending a gratitude letter, but the act of writing it that helps. So make a list, keep a journal, make a letter, say it out loud…do whatever you need to do to feel those grateful feelings. 

Practicing Gratitude will make you healthier, and this is how

It’s the glue that strengthens relationships.

Gratitude within relationships shows that you’ve seen what another does for you, it encourages them to do it again. And it encourages them to be grateful of you, too. In the words of researchers, it creates the “find, remind, bind” effect.
“Find” – it points towards good future relationship candidates.
“Remind” – it reminds people of the goodness of their current relationships.
“Bind” – it binds relationships through appreciation, which strengthens it. 

pexels-savvas-stavrinos-853247

Gratitude could benefit your physical health.

More research still needs to be done on this. However the research that has been done, is pointing towards this. Our emotions and bodies are interlaced through an infinite loop. So gratitude is said to help us sleep better, reduce inflammation, stress, and even improve cardiovascular health. The question is, does gratitude promote good health or does good health promote gratitude? 

It can take time for the benefits to show...which is a good thing.

According to the Greater Good Science Center, 
“These results are encouraging because many other studies suggest that the mental health benefits of positive activities often decrease rather than increase over time afterward.”

If you want to see the science behind gratitude, definitely read GGSC’s article, it’s very detailed. It’s  also got a number of gratitude questionnaires and exercises you can try if you’re curious.

There's so many ways to cultivate gratitude in your day.

you’ve got options in terms of how you want to get this practice you’re your life. From gratitude letters to journals, to meditation, the choice is lavish. Check out Harvards Health Publishing for some nice ideas.

 

My friends, don’t forget the power of gratitude. Go as far as finding a sentimental item and dedicating it as a symbol of gratitude, so that whenever you see it , it reminds you to be grateful for what you have. Use this medicine, as it means we never take what we have for granted, we live more in the moment, embracing here and now, regardless of the hardship, pushing through and pushing into resilience , focusing on what we have and what truly matters. 

Categories
News

This Is Why It’s So Important To Practice Deep Breathing

This is why it's so important to practice deep breathign

So much is going on right now. Just today, my mother in law informed me of a dear family member that passed away from COVID19.

Such constant change and uncertainty has me asking …what the heck is going on?! And if we aren’t careful, we can allow this huge unknowing and increasing concern, to hit us in the chest, and rob us of all our peace and joy. 

So before we let it get the better of us…

let's take a step back. Maybe even take a seat. Now just for a few minutes…breathe.

That’s all…breathe. Take a mental hand and push everything in your mind out of the way to leave a clear space so you can focus on it. 

Okay I know you might have a mask on right now which is irritating you. But just bare with it if you can.

We must not forget the power behind this silent life source. Breathing deeply, intentionally, allows the wave of calmness to seep from our lungs into our minds and bodies. 

Deep breath is beneficial for so many things.

Here’s a few taken straight from Healthline‘s blog…

As you can see, breathing is a healing strategy to so many things.

Deep breath, for 4 seconds… Hold it for 4 seconds…Release, for 4 seconds…And do it again.  And as you do it, simply allow, yourself to ease into the calmness it brings, the perspective, and the peace.


And every time you feel your breath has become shallow, simply return to it, allowing the present moment in that breath to ground you once more. 

Categories
News

When To Ditch Your Convenient Distractions

When to ditch convenient distractions
This is definitely a soul searching question with the potential to be hard hitting. But it’s a very important one.
 
It’s important because we live in a world where distractions are everywhere. And very tempting.

Here's some you might recognize...

  • The latest technology , or technological trend
  • Every new and exciting products
  • The infinite source of information found online
  • The latest news
  • Your popularity on social media platforms
  • Your smart phone - this is a big one.
When to ditch convenient distractions

We know these distractions are there. And they cross our paths pretty much every day.

And then you start to wonder about the connection between this, and the feeling of not having a productive day. Now we can’t forget that life does throw us it’s occasional curve ball, that also contributes. And it’s always a good idea to prepare your to-do-list with priorities scheduled for first thing in the morning. 

But, alas. We cannot deny that distractions, too, keep us from focusing, and therefore, from completing. 

But a lot of the time, they’re actually …soothing. Pleasing. Invited. That’s because they serve something.

This is where the distraction becomes convenient.

3 conveniences your distractions could be serving...

* They prevent us from acknowledging pain. A good example of what distraction could do this, is busyness. If we are constantly busy, we won’t need to process or go deeper into it and become vulnerable.


And yet to heal and move forward, we must first feel, acknowledge and digest the pain.

 


* They help us look good. Have you noticed that business elevates our importance? Stokes the ego, so to say. We definitely praise the oke who works till early hours of the morning, losing sleep or family time to the task. I realise that we’re generalising here. But this is still a dangerous, yet socially accepted practice of our time.

And yet without being able to turn away from work – or our distractions – we can’t add value to anything else.

* They give an excuse not to engage. A big culprit for this is our phone. It means I can be with you, but not have any real interest or focus in what you’re saying. Have you heard of Phubbing? It’s a term coined to the act of snubbing someone you’re with in person, in favour of your phone.

And yet when we do this, we miss out on the connection we could be creating with the person right next to us.

start right now, by doing these things:

  1.  Put your phone away when talking to, and being with, others. When you put your phone away and express why, you invite another to do the same.

  2. Become comfortable with boredom – this is the space that creativity comes from.

  3. When you’re with a person, BE with the person – look at them, listen intentionally, and give total focus. Your connection will sky-rocket.

  4. Once you start the task, finish the task. Even if it’s a tough, long-winded one, be with it until it’s complete.

  5. Set strict social media times to control the amount of time you spend on your phone. Commit to it.

  6. Identify areas in your life that need some digestion and healing. Seek help if you need it. We all need to move through our pain, so we can move forward.

    Take small steps towards shrinking your convenient distractions, but stick to them. And in time, you’ll see some healthy shifts in your ego, focus and mental space. And most importantly, your connection with others.

     

Categories
News

How To Fend Off Conflict With The Right Use Of Conversation

NLP coaching

 There are those topics that spark conflict or debate because there are two or more sides that see the situation differently. They’ve always been around. But perhaps we have them now more than ever, thanks to online platforms.

And it can erupt so quickly. One minute you could be online asking for advice on working from home, and then the next minute, you’re being Facebook stalked by a stranger who wants to publicly state his disgust at your opinion on the matter. 

This is a situation where we tend to use turn less to contemplation and more to reaction. It’s because these topics spark a race of passionate emotions. This is why we want to make our point, argue on topics and enter debates.

The good news is, we’ve entered a time in which information is so readily available to us that we can always expand our knowledge on a topic and deepen our understanding, just by pressing a couple buttons.

Life coaching

More good news is that opposing ideas don't necessarily have to result in a degrading or unhealthy situation.

Having those tougher conversations, where you engage with the opposing idea or opinion, can be healthy.

Just to name a few advantages, it allows us to: 
* Challenge ourselves
* Broaden our knowledge on varying topics
* Experience a taste of another’s journey
* Grow in understanding and deepened beliefs

The tricky part of this is to make the conversation constructive. Something that feels good for both sides, where you both walk away saying – wow that feels really good, it got me thinking. I felt heard, and heard the other side well too.

To do this, the first step is to demystify the difference between Opinions, Beliefs and Point of Views.They don’t all mean the same thing in the sense of what they represent.

To do this, the first step is to demystify the difference between Opinions, Beliefs and Point of Views.

They don’t all mean the same thing in the sense of what they represent:

  • OPINIONS: This is a decided judgment or conclusion that is made on something. This is not necessarily based on fact or knowledge, although something perceived to be fact or knowledge, usually fuels this.
  • POINTS OF VIEW: This usually refers to a conclusion made from a personal experience. Or a perception of an experience that's been influence by a personal experience. A person’s intimate experience will inform their point of view on things, rather than the exterior world or what they learn from others.
  • BELIEFS: An acceptance or conviction that something is truth, especially one without concrete proof. Also meaning a faith, trust or confidence in something or someone. We will almost always take our personal, or cultural, morals and values into account when forming beliefs.
BELIEF: An acceptance or conviction that something is truth, especially one without concrete proof. Also meaning a faith, trust or confidence in something or someone. We will almost always take our personal, or cultural, morals and values into account when forming beliefs.

How does knowing this help us perceive others differently in conversation?

Knowing what each of these really mean gives an understanding into the way another communicates. Look out for the subtle hints suggested in another’s language, which informs you to what is behind their convicted statements. 

For example: 

If they express a connection between their conclusion and a piece of information they heard on the topic, it is likely to be an opinion.

When there is a connection between their personal experience of a matter and their conclusion, then this could be a point of view.

And if they express a great connection between their conclusion and their spiritual conviction, you can understand that this is probably based on a belief.

How we can use this to approach topics more constructively for both sides of the convo

Opinions: Keep an approach of interest – You know to be careful to not come across as an attacker. Instead, try to find out more about where they got their information/fact from. Ask them to delve a little deeper. How long ago was this? Did they find any other information supporting that one? Have they ever heard of any other supporting information for this argument?

Points Of View: Make sure you take a sensitive approach. Don’t act as if you know what it was like to be in their experience of the topic. Ask them to elaborate if they are comfortable to do so, on their experience. You could even say, “I’d love to hear your story about that experience, if you’re happy to tell it to me.” The more you understand, the more they will be happy to understand your experience too. 

Beliefs: Approach with curiosity – and err on caution. This is something very close and dear to their heart and you shouldn’t come across to be questioned or challenged. Accept and respect that this is their belief. The more you understand the ‘how and why’ behind their conviction, the more you can respect them. And this can deepen your beliefs at the same time.

And remember to flip this question around onto yourself, too...

Have you stopped and done real, in-depth, contemplation and research around every topic you have a strong conclusion for? I know that I haven’t done this for every single conclusion I have. Even if I know enough to make the conclusion, it’s probably not enough to fully understand what the counter opinion to mine would be, and why it would be so. We have a great podcast that can help you with this. 

Now I wont deny that there are topics that are worth a heated debate. But I still stand strong by the philosophy of always making sure you’ve done a sufficient amount of legitimate research before embarking on such conversations. I also recognize that there are more areas to conflict that the three that I mentioned – so please take this all in a generalized context. I also believe that so many of the arguments, debates and friction that you see on social media, online through news, Google, in person, etc. … Could be avoided and really is of no use. Everyone wants to be heard, and that’s why we’re fighting – because we strongly believe in our conclusion and want others to hear how we made sense of it. So… If we allow everyone to feel heard, we are no longer fighting to be heard. …we’re talking to understand.

Now, I wont deny that there are topics that are worth a heated debate. But I still stand strong by believing ons should always making sure you’ve done a sufficient amount of research before embarking on such conversations. 

I also recognize that there are more areas to this topic than the three that I mentioned. So please take this all in a generalized context.

I also believe that so many of the arguments and conflicts seen in this world could be avoided. So much of it really is of no use. Everyone wants to be heard, and that’s why we’re fighting – because we strongly believe in our conclusion and want others to hear how we made sense of it. So… If we allow everyone to feel heard, we are no longer fighting to be heard. …we’re just talking to understand.

Craving for another good read? Check out last weeks blog here. 

Categories
News

How To Discover What Your Natural Strengths Are Really Capable Of

How to discover what your natural strengths are really capable of when you need them

It’s not the first time our country, or our world, has been in such uncertain times. And yet we can never be prepared for what the next uncertainty will be. That’s why it’s so important to discover what your natural strengths are really capable of – and how to use them. 

The news reports have been exceptionally disturbing lately, as evident by Tito Mboweni, who recently said, 

“The South African economy is now expected to contract by 7,2% in 2020. This is the largest contraction in nearly ninety years.”

This is a scary reality that will hit home for most people. Few of us will escape the effects of this in one way or another. And the most threatening outcome will be job loss.

You’re going to hear a lot of different approaches, takes and opinions on this going forward – you should also be aware of this and make sure you know what sources your information are coming from, and whether it’s a legitimate source.

Life Coaching

What's the best approach?

Of course we need to stay as positive as possible here. But it’s kind of empty hopes to simply say things like , “out of the darkness will come light” , or “I needed to lose my job so I could find my new arena.”

For us to actually reap positive outcomes, it’ll take more than just upbeat words. Positive outcomes invariable emerge from places of motion or doing. Even if it’s baby steps forward…its moving forward.

I love the concept “when I take one step forward, courageously, the universe takes two steps towards me.” But it can be scary, confusing and unclear to take that one step forward. So how do we do it?

We need to prepare ourselves for the uncertainty and take that step forward. And the only way to do this is to dig into these two principles:

  1. Value creation – We need to ask, What do I do, create sell, produce etc. that makes a difference to people? Even in the toughest of times, the principle of value creation remains paramount. It’s possibly even more important in depressed times as people and organisations are forced to be more careful and cautious about everything they do.
  2. Strengths – We are more likely to succeed in what we do, if we are playing to our strengths. Our strengths are where we are naturally creative, passionate and good. There are some good processes that one can do to help establish and understand your strengths. Lumina Spark (link) is a fantastic one, but there are others as well. But even without these processes, asking simple questions can help you clarify these strengths. Ones such as:

    – What’s easy for me and hard work for others? 
    – Where do I put my hand up and say “me me” even when there is time and sacrifice? 
    – Where does time simply evaporate?

How to discover what your natural strengths are really capable of when you need them

How do we use this to stand out in the crowd?

Working within strengths can be daunting too, because there could be many others that are strong in this area too. For an example I may consider myself a strong writer, but there’s plenty other strong writers out there too creating a hefty competition for work.

And that’s why we want to focus on what we call a combo of strengths – you know like the combo you order at the restaurant. It does not rely on one single element in the meal; it has plenty to choose from. So when you ask the above questions and look into your strengths, be sure to consider them all and value each one, as it is their united strength that will make you stand out in the crowd.

Don’t miss our podcast coming out tomorrow…it really highlights the power points and key messages of this topic. So you’ll really feel confident and empowered to go forth and SHOW YOUR STRENGTH COMBO!

If you aren’t sure how to discover and combine your natural strengths, we’ve got your back. This is what CAFÉ Life does – we enable the best kinda you, that you can be. Stay tuned to our blogs, podcasts and newsletters to continue learning more about these resilient building principles. 

Categories
News

Friendships – The “Secret Success Sauce” And How to Use It

Friendships the Secret Success Sauce and how to use it

Here’s one we may not have spoken about before. The “Secret Success Sauce” , one could say, to achieving our habits....is our friendships.

Yep, the buddies at our side all the time. We’ve sort of borrowed the terminology from the book that inspired this post: The Daniel Plan – 40 days to a healthier life. In this book the authors speak of how friends are the secret sauce to success. 

The key is to start your lifestyle changes, goals, new hobbies or habits, with a bandwagon of friends.

Why we are more successful with friends by our side:

  • Birds of a feather flock together – it is mostly subconscious. But our ways, habits, the language we use, our fashion, our eating habits, sports and recreational activities are persuaded by what our close knit friends do.
  • There's power in numbers - There is research that has proven that positive changes are more likely to be consistent and successful when groups of people are joined in doing it together.
  • It's good for your health - Research also proves that groups or communities, help to improve your physical, mental and spiritual health. You’ve got others on your side, and you have each other’s back. Once again in The Daniel Plan it is mentioned that a large portion of the books success was owed to the people that decided to form small groups, where they journeyed in their lifestyle and eating changes together.
Friendships the Secret Success Sauce and how to use it

7 Easy Steps To Starting A Goal With Your Friends

1)  Start with just one habit or hobby you want to tackle. Think about it and the benefits, effects and aftereffects it will have on your and others lives. Make sure it is fully positive in this regard.


2) Tap into your trust circle. The trust circle friends are the ones that always have your back, and your best interest at heart. For this very reason , They’re perfect friends to get on board with you. Have a think about whom within that circle, and how many people you want to approach with your idea. It might be all of them, it might be one or two. The more to start with, the better.

If you’re feeling unsure about who these friends might be, check out our podcast on How Kind Are My Friends,  to help you out.


3) Prepare how you’d like to propose this “challenge” to your friends. As much as possible make it:

– Fun
– Easily tracked
– Easy to be accountable to each other with
– Available to do together


4) Then gather your friends and brainstorm. Let them mention what would make it fun for them, and how it could become a really fun challenge. Maybe you even want to get real arty-farty and do a vision board together! 


5) Set a deadline, and small target achievements to reach along the way for motivation. If you aren’t too sure how to do this, check out our podcast on implementation intentions.


6) Create ways you can all get together to do it, or to revise the challenge at the least. 
Then, just have fun! The power of our secret sauce here will work it’s flavours into your life naturally. You’ll see that it is easier to be accountable, to be consistent, and to have fun – and the by product of this is that it will be easier to see results. 

The best thing about doing things this way is that it’s 100 times more fun. And 100 times more motivational, too. 
Just remember not to take yourself too seriously, so that you don’t sweat the small stuff, and make sure you keep it consistent. Tick these boxes and you’ll be well on your way to winning with your friends. 

Categories
News

Kindness is key

Kindness

There are many qualities that make a good friend; so I’d be silly to say there’s only one. And yet, Dr. Mark Hyman’s sweet grandmother had a good point when she says kindness is key.

 Hyman shares how his grandmother used to always only ask one question of him when he told her he made a new friend: are they kind? 

Kindness

How profound yet simplistically relevant the question of kindness is.

Wait…surely we all choose kind friends?

But perhaps we don’t…And if that is so, what is the reason that we don’t choose the kind friend? 

And what does a kind friend actually look like?

We live in a world that is guilty of placing many things before kindness. Take employment: kindness is probably not top of the list of requirements in characteristics that the employer is looking for.

In the 100 years we’ve seen a shift of priority move away from character, towards personality.

Character refers to our inner morals and internal beliefs. Such as:

  • Hard work
  • Honour
  • Good deeds
  • Honesty
  • Trust
  • Respect
  • Manners
  • Deeply founded Morals

Personality refers to our attitude and behaviours. Such as:

  • Charm
  • Outward energy towards experiences
  • Physical expression of ourselves, such as our style
  • The people we spend time with
  • Confidence

There’s a huge temptation to be friends with a person just because they appear to be successful. They draw the crowd, have the gadgets, the family name, the smooth talk, the popularity.

An example of the negative effect of an unkind friendship would be this: 
imagine that as a child, you become friends with one of the most popular kids in school. They play the sport that you love, and speak much easier to all the other kids than you do. You call them your best friend, and yet they’re not very kind. In fact, you’re spoken down to and made fun of by your “best friend”, who uses you to look better for everyone else. 

The unkindness is felt within the anxiety you have when you’re with this person; a pressure to be or do something that you are not; and an expected loyalty/allegiance to be held for only that one person, preventing you from having other friends. 

Kindness

A kind friend has many qualities, but undoubtedly these would be included:

– They have your best interest at heart
– Accept you, for you
– See your potential and challenge you , not to destroy but to move you out of comfort zones
– Respect your yes, and your no
– Who knows how to say yes, and no, to you too
– Speak kindly to you
– Who would go out of their way to do something for you
– You don’t have to phone them 10 times before they call back 

Okay. What do we do with a question like this?

It is for you to decide. We definitely need to consider this in our friends, especially the ones that we spend a lot of time with. Ask if this is a kind friendship, or if it is reaping some negative effects on you due to a lack of kindness. 

If you discover some unkind friendships, it could mean you need to spend less time with those people; or perhaps even no time with them at all. 

And when you’re searching for new friends, look out for people that value light, goodness and selfless caring, over status and popularity. 

Pay attention to:
* The way they speak to people 
* How they would respond if you called them at 2 in the morning 
* What their core values are 
* Most importantly – how do they make you feel? 

And of course we ourselves must consider the level of kindness we show in our relationships, too. Always ask yourself if you are giving in their love language, and doing your part to connect with them. 

 

As one must never forget: kindness breeds kindness. 

Categories
News

the curiously relatable question of: am I antagonising the goose?

am I antagonising the goose? Blog.

This question has been pulled from one of our earlier podcasts, and it is with thanks to my son, Sage, for antagonising the goose and bringing it about! 

While on a trip to an animal farm, I heard a sudden, high pitched screaming that I recognised to come from my son. At this moment, he came bolting around the corner, snot and tears streaming down a terrified little face.
He had become too bold with a flock of geese and tried to chase them…of course causing them to turn around and chase him back! 

It makes us think though; what might we be doing that could be antagonising others around us?

Where might I be antagonising the goose ?
What we have come to realize through our many interactions with teams and groups of closely knit people, is that we tend to do pin sized things that antagonise another. These things build up and can result in a wild goose chase.

If we can practice some awareness towards the reactions of others, we might be able to understand and respond, most appropriately to them. 


There’s some simple principles to remember:

* we succeed with and through people.

* Happiness in relationships is more likely an outcome of networks that have been built with a foundation of awareness and connection. 

We can probably all agree that a draining relationship can easily be spotted when you are the outsider, looking at the interactions between two people. But as the insider, it can actually be pretty hard to spot those moments where you’re antagonising another.

When the antagonising begins, so does the eroding of the relationship. 

Here’s some examples of how we might be bringing out the goose in others:

  • Playing the role of parent (controlling) , or child (aggressive or irrational). Instead of approaching another on a mutual adult-to-adult basis.
  • Interruption; we don’t realize how often it’s done! When we interrupt someone, they can be made to feel like their voice is irrelevant. Or they might just think you’re seriously rude.
  • The words “you’re always”… those words are so unrealistic. And the problem is that it’s not true; it can’t be ALWAYS. And it makes another feel like they’re being judged, unfairly, and that the good side of the situation is totally overlooked.
  • Minimising Feelings; all too often, we seem to dismiss emotions as if they’re a bad thing. Susan David says, “Feelings are neither bad, nor good. They are simply feelings. And negative feelings have as much to tell us as positive, lovely feelings.” When we avoid them, we could bring that quacking goose out of someone.
  • Solving their problems; Sometimes somebody just wants to be heard. They don’t want to be told what they’re doing wrong or should be doing better. There’s this basic need for our lives to be simply witnessed. Instead of solving a problem, practice walking next to another through it.
  • Letting it go on too long; we all like a good joke, but when it’s the wrong time or place, it can really upset the person being poked at. It’s also never fun for them if it goes on for longer than it should. This is the case in other situations too, like bringing up a past mistake over and over again.
Where might I be antagonising the goose?
We succeed through good relationships. And we create this when we are able to avoid bringing out that goose, antagonising the thing that sets another off.

A side thought is placed here by William James who says, “Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook”.
Know what it is that you should overlook. Sometimes we pick on very small things within another’s behaviour that overshadows the best parts of them that add value.

Let’s be wise, and don’t antagonise! Always be the adult, and choose to see the beauty in another. Strive to bring it out every time you possibly can. 

Categories
News

Discovering Meaning Through the Simple Act of Being

Photo by frank mckenna on Unsplash

But this frustration we all feel is actually something we can take consolation in, according to Viktor Frankl: 

“This frustration is a proof of the existence of a greater meaning. Unless we were inbuilt by the will to find meaning and discover and fulfill meaning in life, we never would be able to experience an inner void. So this is in a way, also something positive.”

 

Thank you Frankl, for exposing such a wonderful flip side to this coin!
This frustration is the same frustration that causes one to try and fill that empty space with temporary pleasures; the same frustration that can cause us to slip into a seemingly doomed void simply due to the feeling that we have no purpose.

It is worth mentioning that Frankl was a well-known neurologist and psychologist. He was also a holocaust survivor; so he experienced incredible pain and hardship in his life, which makes his work and theories even more credentialed. His horrific experiences in the death camps was the very thing that moved him to the space of growth and revelation, and these learnt lessons are what he has based his life’s work on.

If you’re interested, go check out Logotherapy, a form of therapy that Frankl developed which literally means “healing through meaning”.
The theory is that if we are able to identify, discover or find a hidden, deeper meaning within all that we do and experience, we find purpose to this life. 


Contact Us
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." - Viktor Frankl

Basically…. I wont pretend that there is one source of happiness and meaning, or even that we have discovered or know all the sources out there…but there is certainly a definitive link between having an overall joyful life, and finding meaning.

 

Frankl describes these links in the terms of 3 Values:

  • Creative Values: When we actively do and create the work that we love, we find joy and purpose within the giving of that gift and love we have and are tapping into. In other words...find the things that set your soul on fire and go after them.
  • Experiential Values: Experiencing the beauty, truth or good in something or someone, brings meaning and joy. Such as experiencing the awe-found delight of a sunset; or experiencing another human being in their uniqueness, essence and potential. When another person experiences you like in this same way, it makes you feel joy too.
  • Attitudinal Values: Even if one is unable or unwilling to find meaning through creative or experiential values, there is still the opportunity to discover meaning through the attitude we have towards a situation. If Frankl can say this after going through the trauma of concentration camps, then it is safe for all of us to say it; we have a choice in every situation and we can decide whether we want to find meaning within it. And when we do decide to find meaning, we realise that nothing in life goes to waste; every piece of it goes towards shaping this bigger, more beautiful and fuller picture of us within this world.
When we turn our focus outward, towards the great wide world and all the life within it, our perspective changes. There is no longer a closed shell in which we sit and try to find meaning, but rather there is an entire universe which is FILLED with meaning, both discovered and undiscovered; and we are a part of that universe; which means we are a part of that meaning. When we become an active participant in this world, in whichever way we desire, we naturally tap into that universal, deeper meaning. And this naturally draws our sense of purpose closer to us.

When we turn our focus outward, towards the great wide world and all the life within it, our perspective changes. There is no longer a closed shell in which we sit and try to find this inward focused meaning, but rather there is an entire universe which is FILLED with meaning, both discovered and undiscovered; and we are a part of that universe; which means we are a part of that meaning. When we become an active participant in this world, in whichever way we desire, we naturally tap into that universal, deeper meaning. And this naturally draws our sense of purpose closer to us.

How absolutely delightful. 

Categories
News

What have I contributed, comprehended, created?

For so many of us, this time will represent a season of much anxiety and dark clouds. Jobs lost, income streams impacted or halted, huge turmoil for loss of loved ones and the health concerns that have arisen

In whatever situation, whether it be a smaller inconvenience or a big crisis like COIVD19, there are two postures that we can take:

Survival posture.

Where we seek to simply ride the crisis out, minimizing loss, just waiting for the day it’s all over. The danger with this posture is that we can go into a hibernation mode where we simply wait..which means days and opportunities could be wasted.

raphael-lr-wRZE35mwNak-unsplash

Thrive posture.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that your outcome will be that of 100% thrive – no one can guarantee  that. But it means that this is the way you show up daily; seeking to contribute, comprehend and create, because this creates a space for improvement or movement. Thrive speaks to being awake and using what you have at your finger tips.

edu-lauton-TyQ-0lPp6e4-unsplash

How do we shift towards a Thrive mentality?

Before going further, imagine yourself in a few months time: the lockdown has ended, and things are slowly moving to normality. You can see friends and family again, planes are flying, coffee shops open, loving the freedom. Now, if you were to look back to your past self going through this lockdown, what specifically would you want to feel proud of achieving in terms of a contribution towards someone who needs it, comprehension of a deeper kind of understanding or creation of something new? 

 

We know these are difficult times and we cannot control the outcomes of them. But we can make our journey so much easier, if we start today with the mindset towards contribution, comprehension and creation. These three words provide purpose to this season.
This quote sums up the intention of this quite nicely:

“In a few years time, you’ll wish that you started today.”

What would I have contributed during this time?

Perhaps it’s..

I made people feel good
I made people laugh
I helped another achieve their goal
I helped others in need and contributed to them
I comforted those who were down 

“You weren’t created just to consume resources, you were put on this earth to make a contribution.” – Mother Theresa

What would I have comprehended during this time?

 

Perhaps it’s..

I read some new books
Learnt a new skill
Started a new hobby
Learnt something new about a family member
Unlearnt some old habits or ways

Comprehension reminds us to go a little bit deeper, get curious to understand and get dirty within discovery. 

What would I have created during this time?

 

Perhaps it’s..

A book
A poem
Health improvement
De-cluttering and re ordering of your world
Spiritual practices
An artistic craft 

If we aren’t creating we tend to do the opposite which is accepting. And this can sometimes lead to idleness.

These are tough times and I know that we can’t control the outcomes. But we can make this journey much easier by starting today with shifting into the mindset of the “three c’s” for everything we do.

One day, we’ll be sitting with our friends, no masks, full wine glasses, knowing that we can buy some more tomorrow, reminiscing about our COVID experience. May the stories that come to mind go something like this: “ Indeed, those times were horrible. But Im thankful for that time, because it was then that I started…”
Fill in the blank with your beautiful contributions, comprehensions and creations.

Categories
News

HAPPINESS is a verb

I’m sure we’ve all heard of the saying, “Money can’t buy you happiness”? And if you’re familiar with that saying you might be just as familiar with the counter argument, which is usually something like, “money can buy you happiness! If I had all the money in the world, I would have no wants or grievances.” 

Let’s consider the topic from the eyes of latter conclusion first. It has evolved from the rationalizing that indeed, in order to be happy, you surely need the basic needs of humanity to be met:

  • A full stomach
  • A roof over your head
  • The comforts of warmth and pleasure that is attained through purchasing things that bring this pleasure.
  • Giving your kids a good education
  • giving your loved ones all the materialistic things they dream of – the car, the house, the neighborhood, the clothes, the products….etc

When you look at things in this light, it can be very easy to stand back, pause and consider that perhaps…..money does buy happiness?  

My personal opinion on this matter has been influenced by my own experience of this world – my own observations, my own times in life where I had very little, and other times where I had so much. Here is what I have seen: 

No matter how I look at it, every piece of evidence I have received in life has pointed to this conclusion:

Money cannot buy you happiness. But having the basic needs and desires met, can create a space where happiness can be cultivated.

Resilience Coaching

However, CAN is the key word here…. it is still a choice we have to make. 

 

You’ve heard of the common saying, “love is a verb”? In other words, it’s something that is done, and cannot be physically created or obtained. We have physical outlets for love; things we do and say to show another that we love them.

Happiness is a verb too. Based purely on this aspect alone, I think it’s safe to say that you literally cannot buy happiness – it is not something you can obtain through a materialistic purchase – there isn’t a single place on this earth where you can purchase happiness for a price.

Happiness however will also have physical outlets – there are things we do and say that express our happiness. Again, however, this is expressed through the human being, and not through the items we purchase.

 

 

I’m not saying that having an abundance of money brings no rewards. It certainly does bring some very important ones.

Having money means we find ourselves in a place where our basic needs are met, where we have enough to even meet further needs such as the ones that fulfill our desires, our hobbies, our interests.
Money can create a space where our physical needs are met and this means we will be CONTENT and physically SATISFIED.

And yet...

I have had many times where I’ve gone out and bought that paint brush and canvas, I’ve bought the guitar…. but those purchases didn’t teach me what is so beautiful about creation, or learning, or playing music, or having passion, which is where the true beauty lies. 

 The blessing of these things and the love I have for them were already there before the purchase, and purchasing these things doesn’t mean I know how to tap into those blessings and use them to bring me happiness. That skill is found through personal growth, and that personal growth is the thing that brings the skill and through it the happiness. 

When we are in a place of contentment and we are satisfied within our basic needs, our energy and attention is then free to be invested in another space – where deeper meaning lies.

I have met many people who have had more money in their pocket than a couple hundred people put together. I have observed them, sometimes at a close proximity. Some people use their money wisely, and these people seem to have something in common. They don’t lavish their everyday lifestyle in it’s luxuries but instead they use the money to actually benefit themselves and even more so to benefit others.
And then so many still desperately focus their lives on further consumption. More beauty…. more food….. more electronics…. More gadgets…. more entertainment….. thirsts that cannot be quenched. These people have not invested themselves within the space that their money created. They have not used it to build meaningful lives; they have simply tried to fill the space by continuing to purchase. But it never quenches the thirst…and so the consumption continues, continuously, desperately, trying to fill something but never being able to create a sustained happiness or fulfillment.

I have also met many people with very little in their pockets. So many of them are indeed plagued with worries and stresses about meeting their basic needs. But then there are a few who, despite the unsurity that surrounds their circumstances, have found incredible joy and meaning. Somehow even among the small space within their worry and stress, they found a space to create something more beautiful, more meaningful. 

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

For both the rich and poor man, there is a space inbetween the physical, materialistic satisfactions and needs that we have, which cannot be filled with physical satisfaction. This is the space that holds a thirst for purpose; a deeper meaning to our existence; a fulfilment.


The good news is that this deeper meaning and fulfilment can be found in our every day lives without even needing to initially change anything.

It is found within….

– Gratitude for the roof over their heads and the things we do receive, be it little or much.

– Mindfulness within our day to day lives – allowing us to pick out and keep the small joys and delights of life such as the devoted hug from our little ones, the morning sun shining through those gorgeous trees, the joyful calls of birds in the morning, the song that touches our soul, or the soft spread of a sunset over the sky.

– The devotion towards something that is bigger than you; something that brings others joy, or fills a need of theirs. This could be anything from the devotion towards raising our children right, to the devotion of bringing a smile to the face of everyone we meet

– A greater connection to our core identity – knowing who we are, gives us an incredible power to root our lives in something that gives us that deeper meaning. What means most to you? Adventure? Learning? Inspiration? Art or creation? Love? Singing? These things are completely personal to us. 

With every point listed above, if you add gratitude to the equation, you instantly create a space where contentment and satisfaction can reside without even needing to have all your materialistic desires met, because suddenly you are focusing on that which you do have – not that which you don’t.

The shift in perception is the key. Do we want to focus on running after that goal, continuously telling ourselves that only once we have achieved it we will be happy? That mindset is what sends people to their old age wishing they had used their youth more wisely. 

So to start, we must shift our perception of that which we already have in our hands:

* Stop looking at what you don’t have, and start looking at what you do have. Be grateful.

*Let go of focusing  on moving away from what you don’t want in your life, and start focusing on moving towards that which you do want in your life. This automatically takes you away from what you don’t want, but now you have a clear direction

* Stop accepting everyone else’s standards of what the meaning of existence is and start focusing on designing your own meaning for your own life. When we do this, we’ll find purpose regardless of what others say or think.

* Don’t listen to the media – you don’t need that new TV to bring you more entertainment (besides, a big TV displays exactly the same program as a small one does).

 

* Challenge the status quo, even the ones you’ve set up in your own life. Ask yourself the hard questions, this will only deepen and strengthen your beliefs and can break some powerful holds that don’t serve us anymore.

My conclusion:

Indeed, I will say that I cannot believe in money bringing happiness. I believe it’s one of our most powerful tools on this earth as it brings power which should be used wisely – it also provides us with a big portion of its opportunities.
It also creates the space for us to cultivate that which we want in our lives: happiness, love, purpose and whatever else there might be.
It also creates a space where we can give to that which is bigger than us; where we have much, others will have little.

So do not waste your life striving to meet the status quo, buy the car, have the house, and wear the clothes. Instead, strive to fill the spaces in your life with meaning and purpose that creates happiness, love and light in yours and others lives. Work hard, be grateful for what you receive, always remembering this keeps us humble and avoids us slipping into the space where we start to believe that purchasing

Categories
News

Coaching And Facilitation Experiences – Be there for others in the way they desire – not in the way you desire.

Recently I have experienced quite a personal revelation.

I have realised that through my attempts to selflessly communicate with someone, I have actually been selfishly communicating with them.
Now the intention was not selfish – and that is the great paradox. The reason for my actions was always for the benefit of the other person.

I’ll take a few steps back to explain this to you.

I’ll take a few steps back to explain this to you.

My partner has recently been going through a hard time with work, where multiple and varying stresses have put him into an all time low. His heaviness has been a tangible feeling for me, too. 

Now, my automatic response to anybody who is in any form of emotional distress is to be there to help one talk stuff through and help them look for a solution. It comes from my heart; I like to give my love through giving time and emotional attention. 

So this is the kind of emotional support I would like – and surely the kind we would all like?
Well…. Actually, it’s not.

Yu may have heard of the 5 Love Languages? If you haven’t I’d recommend that you read up on it, it’s incredibly insightful. In a nutshell the author, Gary Chapman, explains how everybody has primary languages (which has a summarised into 5 variants) in which they express their love. So the way that I express love and expect to receive love, may be very different to the way that you express and receive love. And that is how we sometimes miss the acts of love that another does towards us.

o 

Well, I think there should be “Support Languages” too; because my way of wanting to receive support could be different to yours. And it is certainly different to how my partner wants to receive theirs.

All too often, this scenario would play out:

My partner comes home , feeling really tired and stressed. As soon as he walks through the door, I can sense his emotions and immediately want to soothe it.
As I mentioned before, my way of soothing would be to sit down with him and let him (or sometimes, push him to) talk it out, then brainstorm a way to work it out. Sounds good, right?
Well for my partner, it is definitely not the best way to solve these things.
He needs space. He needs lots, and lots of space. Then, once he’s processed things, he tends to share with me what he was going through and we can potentially brainstorm solutions together, only if he is in the right mindset to do this. 

This all ties in beautifully with one of our previous topics, where we addressed the question of, “What gift am I not giving…?”
All our needs are unique to us. For my partner, he doesn’t need the gift of an open ear. He needs the gift of space.
By me trying to force and pull out information, I just made it more stressful for him, more pressured and I didn’t allow him the space he needed to work it out in his own way. I created a space where I was wanting to extract this information so that I could satisfy my need to support him, but through doing this I wasn’t actually supporting HIM. 

My lesson?

Well, it’s a tricky one to decode, because every time I ask my partner what support looks like to him, he says he doesn’t know. So if you’re faced with a similar situation where the other person involved isn’t sure of theirs either, then perhaps some trial and error is necessary. 

Take time to...

  • Approach situations differently. If you’ve tried one way and it doesn’t work, try supporting them through giving in another way. Trial and error. 

  • Stay honest with them about your intention to support them, so they know why you may be responding differently. Encourage the mindset of discovering this together.

  • Listen to the little signs. It might be unspoken ones, such as body language, tone of voice or habits that only show when one is tired/stressed/anxious etc. 

  • It might be linguistic too, so look out for a pattern in language. If when a topic is approached you hear more often than not, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” You know they need space. Or you might hear the opposite, such as, “I had such a bad day”, in this case take this as an opportunity to turn your full attention to them and give them a silent space to express if they want to. 

If you’re not sure what gift your partner or loved one is needing right now, take a read through our blog post that speaks about the different types of gifts we may need to give another.You may find that their support language and their love language is closely linked to the gifts they need to receive. 

These small offers of communication are windows of opportunity to engage with another in ways they’re silently asking us to. The best part is, changing the way we communicate all too often encourages the other person to change their ways of communicating, too.

Categories
News

What gift am I not giving …?

It is sad that it has taken this pandemic for so many things to happen. For us to slow down enough to let the pollution drop, for  us to connect with distant loved ones, for us to unite as communities and help the less fortunate in such extensive ways as we have been lately . These are all things we should be doing anyways. In fact, just the other day I did the first video call in years, where every member of my immediate family joined from wherever we are in the world to have a family gathering! 

It is sad, but not a bad thing. At least we have seen some positives emerging through all of the disruption and chaos. 

In these times, I'd like to encourage you to think of the people in your life that should be receiving something from you, but perhaps are not.

Specifically for this gift we are talking of, it should not be money. Although this is a default response and always great, it can really get in the way of something deeper and more meaningful.
What are some things, or actions, we can think of to give to a specific person? Im sure a few ideas would come to mind. There are a few that came to ours, although its important to remember that the gift needs to be personal and appropriate for each person. 

It might be the gift of...

. Forgiveness – for past or present circumstances 
. Acknowledgement – of the individual or their efforts.
. Clarity  – on something you know has been left unclear or requires a closure of any sort. 
. Space/silence – when too much has been said, or nothing should be said.
. Apology – for an old or recent act. 
. Encouragement – where we can see somebody doubting themselves, or searching for some hope and belief. 
.Generous interpretation –  which creates a better, more positive space and assumes the best of another instead of the worst. 

And then there is this other gift that is perhaps the most neglected ...

The gift of TIME

For time to be a gift, it must be within that persons agenda, not within yours.

Time is a gift that is so underrated. For time to actually be a gift, one thing must be in place: it must be for the benefit of, and in the desired way of, the person you’re giving it to. For an example, a manager may say, “yes, I often  give the gift of time to my staff. We have meetings every week.”  But that is the time that you want to spend,  and in your agenda, for your reasons. The time must be free of giving to the other person for it to be spent in a way that they need. When you give through time, it gives the message of, “you’re important”. 

Here's an example of the meaningfulness you could find in giving time:

I’ve always described my son as a person who wants to be friends with the whole world. Once we were walking along the pier in Durban and we came across some men doing sand sculptures for money. My son was overly impressed with their work and immediately asked “his friends” if he could also make some sand art. they welcomed him in, showing eagerness to give him time and were so delighted to see his interest in their work. It also opened the door for a meaningful conversation, which left both myself and them walking away with a completely different perspective of each other. The one man even said to me, “thank you for taking the time to talk to me. You shared your story and it made me realise that you and I are actually not so different after all.” 


In Simon Sinek’s book, Leaders Eat Last,  he talks of how a strong inner circle of trust is important. He says the primary way to build this is through the gift of time. 

Here’s the thing with time - it’s non-redeemable. So, when a leader buys their staff lunch, that’s great. But when a leader sits down and has lunch with their staff - now that’s meaningful.

Remember if the time the other person needs is simply lying on the couch and watching a movie together, then by all means do so. But do not confuse the gift of time as being the same thing as time being together or in another’s space. For it to be a gift, it is intentional, meaningful and connected and for that persons gain specifically, in a way they desire the time to be spent. 
Sometimes the gift of time is simply sitting with another in their time of need .And sometimes it is the presence of being with someone in the solving of the problem , but never solving the problem itself for them. 
No matter who we are, our gender, age, sex, race etc. we all only have 24 hours a day. And when we give of time , we never get it back again. That is what makes it so powerful. 

nynne-schroder-4iOcciwDzRw-unsplash

Perhaps the gift you need to give to others at the moment is one of the other gifts we mentioned, or one we didn’t mention at all. And that’s good, they are all just as important and just as meaningful when taken into personal consideration for the person involved. Whichever it is, never underestimate the power of these kinds of gifts and the compound gain of meaningfulness that will be made when we continue to give in these beautiful ways. 

Categories
News

Coaching And Facilitation Experiences – What if I am unable to help?

In our previous Resilience Nugget podcast, we spoke about how it is okay to ask for help. Despite the widespread opinion of it showing weakness and incapability, it actually shows a humility and maturity because we know we could never possess strength in every skill out there. Asking others to give input empowers both sides of the story.

But now I’d like to pull a really typical C.A.F.E Life move here and flip the question around: what if you’re the one being asked for help? 

Healthy relationships usually include a willingness to assist each other whenever we can – willingness being the key word. As in, we really want to help another for a cause outside of our own benefit or gain.

This could be for a number of reasons, here's just a few of them:

* The relationship is based on a equal amount of giving from both sides
* There is a mutual respect and trust between both parties
* There is a deep caring for the person involved and this drives a desire to help them
* One might simply love to give and help others, because it brings us joy
* You know that if you were to ask them for help you would receive help in return
* Because you have already received their help in the past and wish to reciprocate the act. 

Giving is on every level always a beautiful thing. Never could you find giving of ones self have a negative repercussion towards the one who’s receiving the help. But sometimes, I’ve found myself in a space where I am unable to give, or even unwilling. This again could be for a number of reasons – if you find the reason is more often than not because you’re simply reluctant to help another, perhaps some deep digging into that could shed light upon why it is you struggle to do so.

But on the flip side, there are still times when saying no to helping another could be a healthy move for you. It comes back and ties in to what we at C.A.F.E. Life often say: know your YES so that you have a strong, empowered NO. In other words…know the things you’re wanting to prioritise and put most your time and energy into, so that you can say no to the things that would otherwise counteract that work. 

Here’s some situations where you might find a need for greater assessment into the matter before deciding upon saying yes:

* When the help needed is financial, and they have previously proven to be unreliable in paying you back when they said they would – if this is the case and you still want to give, make sure you give with a good heart and without expecting to ever get it back again.

* When you have not got enough resources on hand to share it with another – For an example, if you’re swamped and out of time, exhausted, low on energy, in a bad space yourself, or not totally clued up in a specific field that you need to be in order to help – it is better to then rejuvenate ourselves first before attempting to help another. We can’t give from an empty cup.

* When a priority of yours is requiring the resources that are being asked of you – meaning you would otherwise not be able to give those resources to your priorities

* If you feel that you’d hold it against the person, or have the need to keep count, or feel a pressure to help them – this behaviour could risk burning bridges with others and festering resentment within us. In that case, it serves nobody in the long run and again something deeper here needs to be questioned.

Photo by Daniel Jensen on Unsplash

The bottom line is to be honest with yourself firstly and foremost. And then, to be honest with them. Whether you’re saying yes, or no. If you have to say no, be sure to do it in a way that doesn’t jeopardise the relationship or make them feel shut down. For most cases, giving the honest reason why you can’t help, could be the best response to avoid this and create a good understanding of why you’re unable to help.

Now don’t get me wrong – as I said, helping another is always a beautiful thing and whenever we do it with a glad heart we are bound to receive blessings, no matter the situation. The important message to take away from this is that there are times when it is okay to not be able to help – we usually feel these times in our guts, where we can just feel that it’s not going to serve either side positively. And if we communicate this, the other person involved and, ourselves, can allow for grace in the situation.

We’re living in very disruptive times, where our energy and resources will be in some ways totally stretched, and in other ways they’ll be more abundant and available to give. Now more than ever, we should be standing next to one another and uniting to get through the storm, giving from the resources that are abundant to us. When we aren’t able to help, make sure we know why, and the other party knows why, so that they have the understanding that it comes from a place of, “I’m sorry that I can’t help you with this right now. But don’t forget that I’m still for you, and still with you in this too.”

Categories
News

What needs disruption?

The world’s leaders have realised that some drastic measures must take place to combat this and our daily lives have to change because of it.
There’s this call for us to stay at home, practice social distancing and stay away from public spaces. The familiar life we had has been totally disrupted in order for us to beat this virus. 

What can we learn from this?

I’m sure this pandemic will teach us many things; one lesson I see in this is that sometimes we reach a boiling point, where something really isn’t working anymore and that something needs to be…disrupted. It even goes as far as reminding us that certain situations call for extreme measures in order for us to bring something under control.

A lot of people work best when their life is in a rhythm. It tends to help us cope, survive and thrive better in work, exercise, play, travel etc.
Rhythms are really good for us and necessary. Sometimes, however, our rhythms become no longer helpful; or never were helpful in the first place but instead, were toxic habits that crept into our rhythm. An intervention needs to take place. 

Sometimes all that is called for is a regular check up on the things in our lives that threaten to become toxic patterns showing up in the face of certain circumstances.

Such as...

THE FEELING OF FAILURE – Michelle Obama said, “Failing is a feeling long before it is an outcome”. We doubt ourselves and the low level of confidence then begins to infiltrate and take over. Here, failure must be disrupted. 

We must move to a place where we experience success – even if it’s small. Don’t keep doing something over again that makes you feel bad about yourself. If it’s apart of your job then ask, can I disrupt this by adding a sense of success?
Disrupting it with the simplest task that I know I can win at is powerfully refreshing. 

Photo by veeterzy on Unsplash

THE FEELING OF SUCCESS – Why ? Surely we want to strive to succeed and thrive? There are a few reasons. 

Firstly, the more we value it the more we fear failure. This leads us down a road of safety, comfort zones, protection of or success and not growth. 

Secondly, the reputation it brings. If I’m successful at something, people box me into that and I feel the pressure to just conform into doing what my reputation tells me to do. 

HABITS – We’ve all got habits and they always serve us at some level. A habit could be going onto news24 every day with the purpose of wanting to know what’s going on, and it can cause anxiety. Here we might need to say, okay I need to give this a months break.
Perhaps it’s how we eat – slow down, disrupt the chew by placing the fork down and taste the flavours. 

RELATIONSHIPS – Expectations and entitlements are an enemy of peace – they can turn something which was done out of a place of desire into an expected duty which makes it un-joyful. Sometimes a bit of an ebb and flow helps with this, creating space for people to become aware again of the value of what’s being done by their significant other.

MEETINGS – Meetings are good and we all know business needs them. But they also need the right people, right topic, right amount of time. Sometimes the meeting is commenced with a good reason and need. But over time the meeting loses it’s focus and begins to become “A wasted time” type of meeting. Perhaps we need to stop the meeting when it gets there. Or practice regularly asking, “why are we having the meeting” 

Business coaching

IDEA CREATION – In our book Playfully Engaged, we talk about becoming the hippy. It is a notion towards the 1950’s, where so much advancement took place thanks to the hippies. They were almost the forefathers of the tech revolution that took place. One of the reasons for this is that they were counter cultural – seeing tech as liberation and not a threat. Sometimes we need to become a hippy towards our ways of thinking and even the things we fear or dislike. It sounds goofy…. But purposefully disrupt yourself by occasionally arguing against your belief – you could discover some holes you need to dig into! 

Photo by Katia Rolon on Unsplash

2020.…Three months ago we were all saying, 2020 year of plenty! Many of us are now looking at it and asking who started playing the game of JUMANJI. So many are already feeling its repercussions…. it’s already teaching us things. We’ve got to take these crazy, yet necessary next few months simply as they come and be responsible for makings sure we keep doing the next right thing. We’re the instigators in many areas of our lives.

So…what is it that you might need to put a halt on and disrupt? We might need to find a new normal, a new rhythm.

Categories
News

I assumed you were okay

A few weeks ago I conducted a team activation with a highly successful management team. This team over the past few years can lay claim to being overachieving simply based on performance measures and impact. There is however a danger is being in the realm of winning. For one, the familiarity of success can lead to levels of unfamiliarity especially in when it comes to relationships. 

Winning people often become independent, expectant of high levels of transactional engagement and alienated from each other. There is no crisis, to drive us towards each other. So, as we entered the day and in prior conversations with the leader, our goal was depth of conversation for these highly successful individuals, seeking to move into places where maybe they had become numb.

Let’s digress for a moment. Last night we joined our friends for dinner. During conversation our friends shared a story of friends of theirs who are going through a separation. It has totally blindsided them. Phrase like, “of all the couples in the world, they are the last we would have thought to be separating.” I certainly cannot lay claim to understanding the issues beneath the surface of this couple – I don’t know them. But it once again can show the dangers of success, of ease, of achievement. Good conditions can leave us never talking the things that challenge, the things that are beneath the surface. 

Photo by 7 SeTh on Unsplash
It’s a bit like the dichotomy of Mrs. Clarke (Susan Sarandon) and her husband in the movie “Shall we Dance.” Mr. Clarke (Richard Gere) has everything, has it all together, has a great family. Why would he not share his newly inherited hobby of ball room dancing with his wife?

Back to the high performing team...

The moment of change for this team came with the heartfelt words “I assumed you were ok, and I am so sorry.” The questions had slowly led the team to share their world beyond their organisational,  transactional, achievement. As the dance unfolded, a most brilliant truth was displayed. In our success we were making assumptions that we all were ok, that we all were strong, that our independence was a sign of us all being ok. Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions – how they hurt us and how they limit possibility. 

As vulnerability increased, understanding unraveled.

I love Malcolm Gladwell’s words from his most recent book “Talking to strangers:

"We should also accept the limits of our ability to decipher strangers. What is required of us is restraint and humility."

Gladwell uses the word “strangers” here. We might therefore exclude colleagues at work and yet from many people, the people they work with at work, are truly strangers. Our engagements are surface, glued together by organisational KPIS’s. My interpretation of Stephen Coveys book, the 8th Habit is “the majority of people in the workplace feel misunderstood.” Perhaps in Gladwell’s words – they are strangers.

 

Photo by Felix Koutchinski on Unsplash
Where in your life have you maybe become numb to others, assuming that they and we are all ok?

A most simple intention and activity to have with others are regular check in conversations guided by the simple question, “how’s US doing?” If a person does not want to have such a conversation with you, or is very guarded, then you probably have your answer. If both parties can connect around the “importance of US” then those wonderful moments where everything changes can become a regularity as now, we have a playground for vulnerability and understanding.

 

I know we all know this message – assumptions hurt us. And yet chances are we all are walking with a suitcase full of assumptions. Why not embark on a “how is US doing” conversation today.

Categories
News

How do I know they are right?

marcus-p-ZujRyMTfBRA-unsplash

Our topic of discussion today is informed by some lines from a blog from Seth Godin, and here he’s talking about news and he says, 

“I don’t think we have any clue about how disruptive this shift is going to be. Like all shifts, there will be a counter-shift. But keep your eyes open, because the rules are clearly changing. Remaining trusted and consistent will become ever more valuable as it becomes more scarce. A resolution to be in higher-resolution for those you seek to serve. In the meantime, it’s worth confirming the source before you believe what you see.”

We definitely want to know that the sources we pull our “truth” from is right. It’s precarious though because since time began it would seem that humans have used propaganda to get others to take on their point of view. Sometimes it’s to make a short-term profit and sometimes it’s to hide from accountability. So we must err on caution. It’s great to be alive today and have information so readily at hand but it’s important we then ask “Are they right?

We receive so much more influence than we know. There are many sources of this influence but here are three big ones:

  • Our immediate circle – friends, family, colleagues – to push against our tribe is always hard.
  • The masses – what’s everybody saying, The masses don’t mean its right and what might seem like mass might not be.
  • The famous and well known - our celebrities, people we look up to.

A challenge in today’s world is that the buffet table is abundant. If information was food, there’s a chance that we’re all over eating, but never having enough of one thing to actually become knowledgeable and really appreciate its flavors.

A couple years ago, Professor Yuval Noah Harari published a book called 21 Lessons for The 21st Century. The book is exceptionally well written and challenging.  In chapter 4 he makes a statement which is potentially so powerful, but so scary; Harari addresses his opinion of truth and puts it simply, “Truth today is defined by the top results in Google search.” Get into the top results and you can say almost anything and it will be read, and probably believed by many.

Imagine looking at a lake that appears vast and wide, seeming to declare a great abundance and depth.

 You think to yourself, how difficult it would be to swim from the one shore to the other shore, this lake is surely too deep and wide! When you get into the water however, you discover that although the lake is vast, it is only ankle deep the whole way across. No swimming is going to take place her. Only waddling

That’s the dilemma we might face with our world of information. So much data, that is never goes beyond ankle deep, where at the surface the data looks credible, popular, wise and yet underneath it there is no substance. And yet, for those who are prepared to zoom in, uncover, search beyond the google top ten search list, we might find priceless wealth.

That’s the dilemma we could find ourselves in with this world of information. There is so much data out there that at the surface looks credible, popular and wise but underneath it there is no substance – it’s only ankle deep. And yet, for those who are prepared to zoom in, uncover, search beyond the Google top ten search list, we might find priceless wealth

So here's some questions you could ask before taking something as truth:

  • Is the source credible?
  • How credible is the target audience?
  • Who is saying something different – who else?
  • What is the context of their statements?
  • Are there other factors thatneed to be applied or considered here?

Now we cannot test all information, but when it matters, do some work. It tends to matter when

  • The topic is making allegations or conclusions about people
  • You find yourself emotionally wired up about what you are reading
  • When you are making a big decision based on what you are reading and the stakes are high
  • If you intend to use the information for the purpose of influence
  • When the information defines your brand, who you are, what you are putting out there

Become curious, become comfortable with tension and your discomfort. Become intimate with it. So, as we have said, we can’t question everything, but as per Seth Godin, may we not be ignorant 21st century dwellers. We need to be people of increasing consciousness, where we don’t simply accept, but where we use our modern conveniences and incredible tools to zoom in, and see what there is to see, not because somebody told you, but because you are empowered to be curious and to discover.

Categories
News

Coaching And Facilitation Experiences – CREATE without fear, edit without fear

Coaching and facilitation experiences

I’d be careful how I take that saying, however, because I do believe in giving ourselves mercy. Never make the editing of hard work personal. The work itself is under evaluation, not your capability. Give yourself mercy, but edit your work without mercy, so it may become all it could be. 

Not very long ago, I ran a demo workshop for our FutureQUEST Workshop, which has recently been launched. The aim of the workshop is focused around installing a comprehension of resilience, the importance around our reasons for wanting to achieve things and teaching goal strategies that can be of life long use. For this demo workshop I had asked a few friends and connections to attend so that I might run through it and note any creases that need ironing out. 

Although I was prepared for feedback from everyone, I suppose I wasn’t prepared for receiving the very harsh feedback I got from the one person I was closest to in the room

coaching and facilitation experiences

 I found myself taken aback, because I had assumed that because she knew me well that her feedback would be expressed more…diplomatically. Isn’t it funny how harsh feedback received from someone close can be almost harder to swallow? Perhaps if I had received that feedback from somebody I didn’t know too well then I could have taken it with more perspective, instead of absorbing it as the utmost truth, like I did. And I think that’s really the danger of taking feedback or advice from our closest friends, we tend to take it as pure truth.

I walked away from the workshop feeling so despondent that my thought was, “I should just scrap this entire thing and start again."

 A few days after the workshop, I received feedback from others who attended it and to my surprise, received such positive feedback. Perhaps, I thought, I don’t need to scrap the whole thing. Perhaps, it just needs a bit of fine-tuning. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken my first feedback I received as gospel, and instead should’ve added a pinch of salt to it. 

It’s way too easy to get caught up in somebody’s opinion of yourself or your work, especially when it’s somebody who you trust and whose words you value. I also find that the more you care about the work that is under evaluation, the more tender that feedback is unless you’ve prepared yourself for it. 

Sometimes what they have to say is really valuable, and sometimes it is a bit off the mark, undoubtedly if it is somebody we trust then their intention is genuine. But we mustn’t forget to add the pinch of salt. 

As I contemplated the situation I had found myself in here, and the things I’d learnt, I felt I should be aware of how to respond when I next find myself receiving feedback from someone close to me.

> I’ve realised that no matter how prepared I might be for it in the future, it’s always harder to receive feedback from people close to you because we automatically expect them to be “on our side” or gentler with their words.

> If you really find yourself feeling sour towards the person and their opinion, be quiet… don’t respond straight away, especially if you’re feeling insulted. It often means they’re telling you something you really didn’t want to hear but once you’ve had time to digest their words, you might find it to be true!

> Always remember to assume that this person has your best interest at the heart of this.

> Never forget the 6 Considerations for receiving feedback:

1. Does he/she intend to hurt me? 
2. What is the core meaning or message trying to be portrayed? 
3. Does this person know the situation and me well enough to give this feedback? 
4. Regardless of how valid the feedback is – what am I learning from this? 
5. If I am real with myself, do I perhaps need to hear this? 
6. Be honest: Is any of this feedback maybe true? 

In the end, my friend was right; I did need to flesh out some areas of the workshop and the suggestions of what to include were really valuable. I needed time to receive that and filter out the things that weren’t helpful to me, such as her opinion based off of her own personal space and how she was feeling at that moment, which influenced some of her feedback.

After this workshop, I asked my team if we could meet and run through it. I had a really good idea of the sections I wanted to re-hash and I wanted to turn to my team for their input, feedback and suggestions. This time I was ready for feedback, eager for it, because it meant that I had the opportunity to use it to better my work even further. Sure, I also knew that my team is really good at giving feedback in a positive way, but I still feel that the key to being able to absorb anything hard to hear is preparing yourself for it before hand and holding your piece of work loosely. Not to care less about it, but because if we hold it loosely we give it permission to evolve into something grand.  

And always remember that all feedback is good feedback…everything can be used to colour in the picture and add depth to it, to make it more fantastic than it ever could have been if it were only  coloured in from the frame of one singular mind. Thats the beauty of allowing for edits without mercy. 

Categories
News

How do I know I am right?

How do I know I am right?

Bridgewater is an internationally well-known company, for three major reasons. Firstly, they’ve got an incredibly unique view of their work culture, which is very ‘life-giving’ to those within it. They are also a $160 billion hedge fund operation – so we’re talking about a big organisation in this world. Lastly, they’re incredibly well known for their resilience. 

 

Ray puts this resilience down to asking good questions, which gets us seriously excited because that is our ethos too. Asking good questions stimulates deep thinking. A great question he raises in his book is, “How do I know I am right?” He goes on to say we need to move away from the statement of “I know I’m right”, to “how, do I know?”

how do I know I am right

In essence, asking a good question doesn’t solve a problem; it actually creates a new one.

 Hopefully a very meaningful one. Neuroscience processes say that our brains give us a dopamine rush when we conclude. We like to find meaning in everything, and so our brains love to conclude as quickly as possible. 

But this isn’t always very helpful to us. In the instance of this question, “How do I know I’m right”, we can easily assume without asking that question that we are right, the other persons the villain, and that’s that. But is that, really that? 

Do you want to hear the not so nice news about you and I? The truth is …

  • Humans by nature are lazy thinkers. Our brains don’t want to waste time thinking on things we can quickly conclude.
  • We are often not as good as we think we are - especially when it comes to reading into other people!   Naturally, we have a clouded judgment, as our personal perception is not necessarily the true perception.
  • We are prone to blind spots and even more so when we become convinced about being right. Again, this comes down to personal perception as well as systems that we might assume are fully formed but inevitably leave out an aspect of importance we aren’t aware of. We need the perception and input of others to form a well rounded idea of something.

So now that we have literally reduced us all to lazy not so good thinkers that stumble around this world blindly…. What now?

If I could sum up the essence of this podcast it would be this: 

We’re all for positivity, and know that we need to have a positive outlook on life wherever possible so that we can embrace and love and live. However…

Don’t let positivity stop you from doing deep thinking.

Photo by Gabriel Jimenez on Unsplash

Deep thinking is what will really turn the soils of our minds. It is what will unearth unexpected truths and great discoveries. Deep thinking opens us up towards that which we might receive, and teaches us to have a sharper awareness towards that which we might otherwise have missed. We as a collective, run the risk of using positivity as a blanket to cover the deep thinking that we often know in our hearts needs to be done. Do not let positivity keep you from digging deeper, going further and opening up the golden, hidden pathways within our desires and duties that we would otherwise have no idea, are within. 

Here's some everyday examples where we might find this question useful.

  • When you find yourself close minded towards others because of a strong belief or conviction. We do believe in conviction, and know that we all need a truth that centres us through our belief in it. But don’t let it stop you from adding substance to that truth. By talking tentatively and truly listening to others we can keep our minds open towards the possibility that we could be preventing ourselves from discovering more beauty, or more truth, to our conviction.
  • Making assumptions on the readiness of people within change can bring some not so nice consequences. Hope in people readily accepting the change is good. Hope needs to be there for us to feel motivated with said change. But it can be very dangerous if it is just expected of others, and no deep thinking or preparation is done for when someone does find it hard to receive.
  • When we have absolute confidence in something. Don’t be afraid to question it in order to define it, make it better or more true! Ask yourself, did we ask the hard questions? For an example, If every restaurant at this given location failed before us, what makes ours different, why will ours succeed? Failing to ask these questions might just mean that we fail to succeed, because we duplicate the errors. 
  • When you have a “best practice” situation, where the best practice is something that is known to work well and provide the right result. Don’t let that turn you into a lazy thinker where we stop striving for alternative, better ways of doing things.

After all of this, can we really claim convictions?

Of course we can. We aren’t saying that you can never claim you’re right. But we encourage you to do the deep thinking, the research, the work around the situation so that you really do know if what you’re believing in is something of value. As Desmond Tutu says, “Don’t raise your voice. Improve your argument.” 

Categories
News

Coaching And Facilitation Experiences – The commencement of a new year

These moments or seasons of disruption and turbulence are not uncommon. Invariably all teams, somewhere, sometime experience a foundation being smashed.  These moments may become the alchemy for a new and wonderful start, where the team includes and transcends the pain, becoming wiser. Or… these moments may initiate a downward slope of increasing pain and blame.  

coaching and facilitation experiences

Facilitating a process of recovery can be tricky. Some people are emotionally engaged, some horribly hurt, and to add to this complexity, a stranger in the mix, is not always welcome. As the facilitator, the early establishment of psychological safety is therefore an imperative. Failure to create this will invariably result in a “crash and burn.” Psychological safety is that beautiful place where we don’t fear judgment, which allows people to be vulnerable and to hear others. As I waited for the team to enter, I pondered the creation of such safety and settled on the following key components.

As I waited for the team to enter the room, I pondered on the creation of such safety and settled on the following key components:

  • Psychological safety flourishes in an adult to adult environment. The team does not need a teacher, mentor or critic. They need to be given space for focused expression where they can become ‘path finders’. As we started the facilitation, I was careful to not position myself as the guy who has it all together, and rather thanked them for having me participate in moving this forward.
  • Psychological safety flourishes when people live into their values. When things implode so too might our values. When we name and express our values, contemplating how these values inform this situation, we free people to bring a higher self to the pain. As we journeyed through the process, I asked them to consider what values they felt were most important to them which need to be lived into.
  • Psychological safety flourishes in the creation of a new problem. The problem at hand, the reason why we are there, is emotive. When we create a new problem, one that requires reflection, we enable resourcefulness. Our guiding question through the facilitation was “how do use this to make us stronger and better?” The “how” problem established a most important principle – “whilst we cannot and must not ignore pain, the reason we engage the pain is from a place of hope.”
  • Psychological safety flourishes when the elephant is not ignored. Everyone can see it – so what’s the point of pretending its not there? Name it - allow appropriate expression for everybody’s viewpoint of the elephant. Being prepared to name the elephant will bring emotion and the potential for healing. As we journeyed through the process, I had to keep reminding myself to be comfortable with the discomfort of expression, and not to try and rescue. After all such expression was the evidence of safety emerging.

There is never a certain outcome of these facilitations, as we work with something we cannot control – human beings. But if we can create this space for them, the best possible outcome emerges. I am always grateful for how my work calls for me to be a student. After all, this life is full of unbelievably profound beauty; and so much of it is found through life’s lessons.  

Categories
News

What is my pathway back to the start?

whats my pathway back to the start?

Michelle Obama shares in her autobiography “Becoming”, that her Thursday night dinners with Barak, which would be at the same downtown restaurant in Chicago, was her pathway back to the start. This was prior to her becoming First Lady where the privilege of anonymity, meeting unnoticed, had not yet been taken away. In Becoming, she shares how this tradition of theirs was not only a delight, but also an intentional return to something familiar, a place on the board game of life called “start”.

pablo (5)

Our pathways back to the start are like that last move in a board game that takes you back to the starting place, where you receive your boost or recharge that brings with it a newness. This is similar to what the pathway back to our personal start should look like. It should be a pathway to receiving, so that you can then embark on the next round of transactional, dutiful commerce of life, which invariable involves giving. 

A pathway back to the start is something we all need. It is something that will lead us back to...

  • Perspective
  • Authentic living, away from the complexity and back to the simplicity.
  • It is an experience that reminds us what it’s all about … why we do what we do, and work so hard.

Within the constant marathon of life, there are two possibilities.

Firstly, the not so good news is that you and I have a strong inclination for losing the plot…Literally. There is a possibility that we could lose our sense of reason for all this demanding and time consuming stuff that we find ourselves doing. We become so dutiful, so obsessed with achievement, that we forget the source – the thing that really and truly matters. Now imagine if this carries on for weeks, months, years… How blind would we be towards our source?

Secondly, the much better news is that there is a possibility of us being able to avoid this concerning lifestyle previously mentioned, and a good first step for this would be developing our pathway to the start. And these can be really simple practices. When they are done with a specified intention and consistency, it can become very powerful. This practice will be different for all of us, but we all need at least one.

What's your pathway back to the start?

Examples of this could be:

  •  Meditating in a certain space, at a certain time
 
  • Walking barefoot on the sand, letting the soles of our feet connect with mother nature
 
  • A certain book that helps you pause and rewind or offers guidance
 
  • A run along a familiar path
 
  • A familiar ‘special spot’ outdoors that is related to peace and clarity of mind where you can be still
joao-silas-NbPzW8PQQVI-unsplash

What a great question to ponder. As you contemplate, I’d encourage you to list some possible answers and plan to implement at least one. For some of you this question might create other questions like, ‘what is my start?’ If you do have that question, maybe go back and listen to our Podcast 104 , or even read our previous blog post. You might find some help there.

Remember we’d love you to talk to us and let us know if you’ve found our work helpful. Pop a comment below and let us know what your pathway back to the start is. 

Categories
News

What are my “I am” statements?

What are my I am statements

As we start the New Year, I’m sure many of us have entered it with spirits high at the opportunity that our most recent annual ending brought along with it. The same opportunity it brings every year: a hope of being able to close one chapter,  and start one slightly better. 

What is my I Am statements

There is a natural tendency in us to see the beginning of a new year as a chance to start again, to re-align. For whatever reason, we want something slightly different for 2020 than what 2019 were about. And this is a good thing; in order to grow we must continually seek improvement.

All too often our experiences quickly bring a feeling of uselessness towards these goals as we tend to slip out of the efforts towards this goal and closer towards an old routine. This often makes one cynical of trying again, because we feel that ultimately the old way has already become de-ja-vu. 

But, why?

Let’s be totally honest and transparent: change isn’t easy. It requires sustained focus, discipline and resolve. Progress requires the art-form of unlearning of what we have already known. To learn something in 2020, it probably requires the unlearning of something we “knew” in 2019 – this could even stretch back many, many years.

If change requires such a recipe of great tools an attributes and so many of us fail at it so often, what can help us? What could truly help us to reach a place of sustained focus, discipline and resolve?

wha are my "I am" Statements?
To create sustainable and lasting change, we need to reconnect with the deeper reason that we want the change.

2 Reasons for change:

  • OUTCOME FOCUSED CHANGE: 
    understand the desire/motivation behind the change. When we focus on the desire behind the change to motivate us to achieve a goal, it’s called an “Outcomes Focused Change”

    EXAMPLES:     

  • Losing a certain number of KG’s– the specific weight is the outcome.

  • To make 5 new friends this year

  •  To increase sales by 20 %

    If you think of organisations , most new year resolutions will be around profit, margin and new customers. People going back to work this year were probably quickly reconnect to outcomes that their work wants to achieve because it is such a primary focus.

  • IDENTITY FOCUSED CHANGE:
    Here, the reason we are changing is because it is aligned to who we aspire to be. We are not so focused on a specific goal as we are on the ongoing lifestyle change.

    EXAMPLES:

  •  I need to write every day, because I am a writer.

  • I must 20 mins a day on my talk, because Im a motivational speaker.

  • I need to listen to others, because I am a leader.

    The reason here is because “this is who I am”
    The outcome is not the motivator. The motivation comes from a sense of identity being held within that desire. 

Which motivation would you say is most powerful, the outcomes focused or identity focused?

identity focused is more sustainable

Shifting your focus from one of an outcomes based mindset to that of identity means you will become that which you desire. In James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, he speaks about how the systems behind the goals are far more important than goals themselves. Without systems, the goals cannot be achieved. But without goals, a well formed system can still achieve good things. So, for an example, instead of focusing on losing 20 KGs, focus on becoming a healthy, active and fit person. Embody the characteristics that a healthy, fit and active person would have. Choose to be that which you so desire. 

Photo by Braden Collum on Unsplash

Where do we start?

Create Identity statements.

These identity statements may look like this:

I am a musician.

I am a great parent.

I am a great entrepreneur.

Imagine creating 5 identity statements and then linking a habit to that statement. Then only after , lining  an outcome.

James Clear suggests: ” Firstly, decide the type of person you are or want to be. Secondly, now prove it to yourself by casting votes for the person you are or want to be”.

Imagine starting the year with someone asking, “What is the type of person you are in 2020?” to that we link the behaviors and to that, the outcome.

Making a connection to a belief can be just as much time and effort as trying to connect to an outcome. But once we’ve connected with this belief, it is not hard for that to be us, because it becomes us.

let’s link our change to the person we are becoming. Maybe you haven’t started yet; or maybe you’ve already failed. That is ok. Start by connecting with your Identity statements, and if it feels uncomfortable just remember that the more votes you cast towards it, the easier it becomes. Let’s make 2020 the year of identity.

The development of a good life long habit could be the most meaningful present you could ever give yourself.

Categories
News

Questions For The Resilient – Giving criticism as feedback

criticism as feedback

Last week we asked: can criticism = feedback? We addressed the hard topic of taking criticism personally and how to transform any kind of criticism into well-received feedback. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d recommend you do so before reading on. 

Today we’re asking: what if the role is reversed? You’re the boss, trying as tactfully as possible to explain to your employee what they had not delivered on, all the while noticing their increasingly tense body language and sagging lip line as the conversation goes on.
Delivering criticism has a hairline difference between being well delivered and poorly delivered. There are also so many diverse characters out there. People prefer receiving feedback in different ways. How can we win with it?

giving criticism as feedback

The feedback sandwich

There’s a fantastic method called the Feedback Sandwich. Nope, this is not a recipe for a lunchtime meal my friend. This is a feedback tactic that is incredibly useful.

First things first – if you read our blog on receiving criticism you’d know that the golden rule of this whole thing is to change our view from that of it being criticism, to being feedback. This is VITAL. Feedback is something that has a positive intention. Something open for discussion and to be received, instead of something given to somebody else.
Here’s the step to a well made feedback sandwich: 

Layer 1: Positive Feedback.

Start off your feedback session by naming some positive attributes and strengths this person shows that is valued. Try to keep these pointers revolving around the strengths specifically to do with the situation/project/task at hand that needs the feedback. This ensures that the person involved feels valued and that hard work and achievements are recognised and praised, not overlooked.
Something that’s very important to remember here is to keep it sincere, real and authentic. Fake compliments mean nothing and show no true intention to collaborate with another. 

Layer 2: Needs Improvement Feedback.

After confirming and discussing the positive achievements that were made, it’s going to be really easy to move on to the next step of providing the “needs improvement” feedback. Here, wording is vital. If we suddenly move straight into harsh or abrupt words, the sandwich is not longer edible. We need to keep words open, not aimed personally, and in a way that feels possible to overcome. Such as:

“I have noticed that we could benefit from…”
“It would make the biggest difference if…”
“I’d really appreciate more focus directed to…”
“I’d really appreciate your help with…”
“An area that shows great potential for strengthening is…”

Can you see how none of these sentences are insulting? The key is making sure they’re not aimed at criticising somebody as a person. But rather, at evaluating the areas that need improvement, that we believe can achieve improvement. Once again, sincerity and authenticity is absolutely vital here. 

Layer 3: Final Positive Feedback.

Here, one can finalise the meeting by confirming your overall feeling towards the outcome of the topic at hand, and confirming strengths, skills and values of this person that is appreciated in the workplace on a day to day level. We are reaffirming the reasons we have hired this person and believe that they are valuable to the workplace , which reaffirms their sense of security and capability and contribution to the work environment. 

IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER: Every single step of this technique needs to be based on authentic, sincere feelings. Take some time before the scheduled meeting to list each of these points of feedback and think honestly about the areas of improvement and strengths that will be under discussion. Make sure it’s relevant – For example, telling Susie how delicious you find her baking won’t mean anything to her when it’s followed by feedback on her bad sales numbers.

 

As somebody with authority, we need to develop a thick skin towards receiving criticism ourselves. We must make sure that we always encourage people to feel open and comfortable with providing us with the same kind of feedback we give. Working from an adult-to-adult basis is the key – I’m an adult, you’re an adult, we both have the desire to be heard and appreciated and understood.

And now my fellow resilience warriors, lets go make some sandwiches.

Categories
News

Questions For The Resilient – Can Criticism = Feedback?

Picture this: your boss has just informed you that he’d like to meet with you to speak about your latest project. As you walk through the door and seat yourself across the table from him, he wrings his hands and gives you that overtly enlarged, tight smile of his that means you’re in for a date with criticism. Oh yes. Then the feelings of defence and frustration start to boil over as he goes on about everything you missed, maintaining that shockingly well-designed smile whilst completely ignoring all the hard work and things you did do well on. The result? None of that criticism would ever be received.

I’ve just described a pretty common scenario in the business world. I, myself, have experienced criticism that I have not been able to receive because of how it was delivered. But here is the problem: there is no formula that will transform every person we meet with into beautifully orchestrated criticism models. No matter how hard we try, many people will continue to give criticism in a harsh, hard-to-receive way. What CAN we do, you ask? We certainly can transform the way we ourselves communicate criticism (which will be discussed next week, folks) and even as effectively, we can transform how we receive criticism regardless of the way in which it’s given to us. 

Firstly and most crucially, It’s important to shift our view from giving and receiving criticism, to giving and receiving feedback. This way it has the most positive intention at heart. Always, forever, regardless of the words used or its proclaimer, view criticism as feedback. Here are some reasons why this is so important:

  • Translating criticism into feedback allows us to view the conversation with a new perspective and consider the other side
  • We will always be able to draw a lesson out of the situation when it is feedback
  • When we ask, “What is the intention here? What is this person truly trying to say?” We often find that the core intention of the criticism is to express a view on what needs to be improved, and not to insult.
  • Once we understand the intention, we are able to distance ourselves slightly from the initial emotions and focus on the core message being delivered – After all, there is always room for improvement should we look for it.
  • Once we are able to pull out the core message of the criticism, and translate it into feedback, the whole meaning of it changes. Suddenly, there is the potential of us being able to consider what is being said. Now we come to the most vital part of it all: what we do with this feedback.
derek-thomson-yYX13SnkGxY-unsplash

6 considerations for criticism

“See yourself standing here in front of you, on a TV screen. Imagine your criticiser standing facing you. This is the you who is about to receive criticism and learn to respond to it in a completely new way.”

This is the introduction to a practical exercise developed by psychotherapist Steve Andreas, designed to assist one with finding a more positive way to receive criticism. The aim of this approach is to create a sense of disassociation for us from the situation at hand. This can be a really resourceful tool; it allows us to gain more perception on the situation at hand, get to the core intention of the feedback and respond in a way that is true to ourselves.

When receiving criticism, whether it be from your boss, your spouse, your child, parent, friend, or Bob from across the road who finds your choice of garden flowers distasteful, we can apply the following 6 considerations and ask ourselves: 

1. Does he/she intend to hurt me? 
2. What is the core meaning or message trying to be portrayed? 
3. Does this person know me and the situation well enough to give this feedback? 
4. Regardless of how valid the feedback is – what am I learning from this? 
5. If I am real with myself, do I perhaps need to hear this? 
6. Be honest: Is any of this feedback maybe true? 

There we go, if we can ask and answer these questions of ourselves honestly, we have a foolproof method to being able to receive criticism as feedback, and regardless of the outcome always learn something from it, too.

what if the feedback isn't valid?

Very often when we ask ourselves these questions, we do find a taint of truth in the feedback. There are usually some pointers we can take away and work with. But sometimes we receive feedback from somebody that we know, in the bottom of our heart, is not valid. Perhaps it is because they aren’t fully clued up on the situation, don’t know you well enough or the intention isn’t genuine. For whatever reason, when you find yourself in this space, it’s important to dismiss the statements and simply state, “Thank you for the feedback.” It’s easier said than done, of course. And in situations where that misconception may lead to further negative results you may also need to ask yourself, “what action can I take here to clear up this misconception and avoid a repeat in the future?”

 

And lastly, let us always remember to maintain the belief that there is no such thing as failure in this world. Failure is simply part of the process, included in life’s journey and bound to come about. If it is true that failure is found even on the path to success, then surely there is no failure – only feedback.

Categories
News

Questions For The Resilient – Where have I received paper cuts?

Where am I inflicting a paper cut?

Last week we our question was, “where am I inflicting a paper cut?” Here, we engaged the conversation from the angle of being the person inflicting a paper cut. If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend you do before reading on as this follows the topic. Today, we’re discussing it from the angle of being the one on the receiving end of the paper cut.
Just to recap, when we’re saying ‘paper cut’, we’re referring to acts or behaviours (this can include non-actionable hurts) that cut just beneath the surface, creating a little sting of offence for another. 

Here's some examples:

– A colleague not participating in something that you expected them to
– a constant joke that keeps being made over and over again
– Being left out of social events you expected to be a part of
– not receiving the same amount of effort that you put in, from the other person.

These easily unnoticed acts create a slightly hurtful, slightly sensitive, slightly agitating experience for the one receiving it. But usually it’s something we should all get over and but itself it surely can’t be taken too serious. But, when applied again and again, these small things can begin to cut deeply just as a repeated cut might. 

Where might I be catching the incivility bug?

Why is it important to notice paper cuts?

We’re social beings. Our levels of resilience and overall wellness are closely related to the health of our networks around us. Because of this, we want to try and avoid being the victim and the persecutor of paper cuts. They damage connections, if left alone for long it can fester and even destroy relationships.

Sometimes, we haven’t been the ones to cause the deep hurts. We just brushed against the hurt that was already there, making it sore again.

If this is then left alone, what kind of wound will it become? It seems to move in this formula:

Small act –> done in consistency/pattern –> creates assumptions, (maybe incorrect assumptions) = Eventually leads to a reaction, which is probably over the top by that time. Nobody wins.

This could result in walking away and cutting ties with somebody dear to you, or an over the top reaction of aggression, where overwhelmed emotion results in us “throwing our toys out the cot”.

Hopefully, all of us can bounce back (an important aspect of resilience) after receiving a paper cut once, twice, three times. But there comes a time where you may start feeling the hurt and it simply cannot be ignored. By this time, even the smallness of the act now begins to take on larger proportions and can lead to most dangerous assumptions: “they are doing this to me” and “what’s wrong with me.”

Where have I received paper cuts?

How can we heal a festering paper cut?

This is an important part of the conversation: when it starts to hurt, it does matter. We must speak up for ourselves and express the hurt we’re feeling to the other person. They may even be completely oblivious to the matter.

So, remember these steps when you identify some paper cuts: 

  • Recognize that it does matter. It is true that some things we must get over and not take so seriously. But if there is a pattern forming and you begin to feel hurt, it does matter. Simply saying, “this matters to me” is freeing, as we give ourselves permission to act in a positive way. We can become embarrassed at showing vulnerability at expressing something so small yet meaningful, but it opens the door to connection.
  • Reflect on the intent of the other person as much as possible. Consider or assume positive intent as far as you can. How possible their intent is not to hurt? Although they should notice the impact of their behaviour and have not, perhaps if their intent is good, they might stop causing those paper cuts once made aware of it.
  • Define how the paper cut makes you feel, its impact. “When you do this, the impact of it is...”, or “When you keep saying that, it makes me feel/think…” Approaching another on the situation like this takes any sense of an aggressive approach straight away. You’re sharing your feelings. Yes, it’s vulnerable. Yes, they might find it uncomfortable in the beginning and a bit of space is needed to digest it. But invariably it results in that person halting the hurtful action, especially if they care deeply about you.
  • Boundaries are ultimately being set when you do this and need to be respected. Making clear what’s okay and not okay, and why, gives you the pencil to draw your line. You can say, “it used to be a joke, but it’s not anymore.” Once the boundaries are set, communicated and clear, we tend to move through it to a stronger, more solid relationship when we set them.

A side step to an important thought here:
Sometimes we are witnesses of a paper cut being applied to another. When we’re a witness, we have the advantage of being less attached to the situation. Therefore we can powerfully influence it, provided we are able to see this role as purely creating awareness rather than necessarily rescuing the situation. So this could sound like:

 

  • Have you ever considered how Sue feels when you……
  • Don’t you think you should let that joke about Bob go? It’s expired…
 
Remember friends; all of us have unfortunately been the giver and receiver of paper cuts. They do happen, and yes, sometimes we just have to let them go and not take ourselves so seriously. Just remember, when it starts to hurt a little deeper, to acknowledge that it does matter – and taking care of our connections with others matters too. 
Categories
News

Questions For The Resilient – Where might I be inflicting paper cuts?

Where have I inflicted paper cuts?

This is quite an ambiguous question. We don’t mean literal paper cuts, no, that’s not worth a blog write up. We’re using this terminology because firstly, we love visuals and examples. They’re so great at bringing a concept into reality. Secondly, it really is an appropriate naming for the kind of hurts we’re talking about today. A paper cut is the cut that is small and shallow, and generally not concerning. Paper cuts in our relationships are the seemingly harmless acts that cut just beneath the surface of another. But when transgressed consistently, it can create a wound that cuts down to the bone.

Healthy levels of resilience flow from strong networks. We cannot face this big world without a community of people that have our good intentions at heart where a deeper sense of trust is shared. This being true, means tat in the same manner that we should all be going for regular check ups with our local Doc, we should all be performing regular checkups on our relationships. 

Here's only a few examples of what can cause a paper cut:

– Consistently revisiting and discussing a sensitive topic for somebody such as a personal weakness of someone’s, a religion or believe or preference of living. 

– Repeated jokes that revolve around a personal trait of another, or something personal to them

– Not committing to social situations or being involved in them on a regular basis where your presence is desired or expected  can cause paper cuts that might make others form assumptions about why you aren’t coming, and make it personal upon themselves.

– Acting unaware of another or showing little respect for them and their priorities

Where am I inflicting a paper cut?

How can we discover the paper cuts we've inflicted?

  • When have we ever said otherwise: slow down, and take notice of your words, actions and non-actions. The challenge with paper cuts is their seemingly insignificant effect, making them feel like there is no need for reconciliation. And on a singular basis, there may not be. But a repeated paper cut forms a deep wounds.
  • Simply asking people you trust for honest feedback is a great tool. Perhaps it is asking, what do I do for you that you find helpful, and what do I do that is actually unhelpful to you?
  • Lastly, whenever anybody reacts to a situation in a way that is so much more than that situation deserves, you might be dealing with some paper cut wounds taking place. Think of a person who has a splinter in their finger. If you just brush against it, they might shout out and say you hurt them. The brush against that finger wouldn’t have hurt without a wound there for it to touch.

Sometimes, the hardest thing about this is that the paper cut is a slight and shallow slice, so we might want to tell the person we’ve hurt, to get over it and stop being so sensitive. But we don’t always know how deep that wound is that we brushed past. We don’t know how far back it goes, or the true reason for it. Until we do, it is wise not to assume that we do.

We are stronger when we have strong relationships with people who want us to succeed. This question is about something that really wouldn’t matter to you unless it is involving somebody that matters to you. In order to be resilient, we must build and maintain strong relationships. To do this, we must pay attention to the smalls signals and effects we are giving out to others.

Categories
News

Questions For The Resilient – What is your brand uniqueness?

what is my brand uniqueness?

Rosser Reeves is accredited by many for the acronym USP, which stands for Unique Selling Point. From a marketing perspective, USP says that in order for a brand to be successful, it needs to know it’s brand differentiation from it’s other competitive brands. The stronger that USP is, the more likely that brand is to be successful. Finding out your brand could help you empower your strengths which in turn can benefit your career as well as your personal growth.

Now, this is a big question and it can cause us to pause. We might even find ourselves feeling a little paralysed, unable to see how we could even discover such a complex set of qualities.
We can break this down into steps to help us digest the concept – as they say, you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. 

What is my brand uniqueness?

1st Step: Identify your Personal Branding

This is the step that probably involves the most work and time, and it requires some intentional awareness and evaluation as our tools. There are three points of evaluation we can consider:

  • What are your natural strengths?
    Start off by looking at the little things in personal branding, such as the way you dress, how we talk, certain practices we do and what we naturally do when we’re with a group of people. All of these things are clues along with identifying our places of ease and confidence, for example making people laugh easily, leading people, taking on the team project and so on.
  • What are people saying about you? If you are able to practice awareness, you’ll be able to notice repeated compliments you may receive. Perhaps it is how well you speak in public, how good you are at planning or how easily you seem to bring peace to a conflict. Listening out to what others are saying about you will give important and definitive clues.
  • Can you identify some ‘Passport Factors? 'Passport Factors' are attributes that are always positive, but are also generally expected of us. Things like honesty, respectfulness and equality are all passport factors. Still, this is a good drawing board to use because once we’ve identified some of our most important passport factors, we can then dig deeper into them to find the unique trait granting us this passport factor. We'd do this by asking: how is it that you demonstrate that attribute, what are the definitive factors of how you present it? I might say that I strongly feel my brand is connecting with people. But this is a passport factor for Café Life; I want to add a descriptive of how I do this to find out some of my personal branding by saying, I’m connecting with people through a main tool of ease and gentleness, not forcefulness.
What is my brand uniqueness?

2nd Step: Make it intentional

The more intentional, passionate and excited you become about your newly found personal branding, the deeper you’ll be able to dig and as a result, the more grounded in your identity you become. This is the fun part because it ranges from the discovery of how you do your hair and dress, to how you interact with others, to how you work and show up in every area of your life.

A great way to conceptualise it is by saying, “I am the type of person that…” and then be sure to implement these actions, returning to your brand-unique qualities to guide you as much as you need to. 

what is my brand uniqueness?

3rd Step: Keep it Consistent

If you ask marketers what to do once you’ve identified your brand, they’d say you would need to strengthen your brand by marketing it, walking the talk and being consistent in displaying it. People will only really notice it when they’ve seen it displayed consistently. Same thing would go for our personal branding if we want it to be authentic and true to ourselves. The best part about this all? You can stop living in the shadow of that other persons brand uniqueness that you so wish to become and start living in your own beautiful, authentic, un-copied, un-filtered uniqueness. .

Through all of this it’s a good idea to remember there’s nothing wrong in having a little guidance here. This question can be as complex as asking yourself what your purpose in life is. It takes time, effort, and if we are lost, the help of a friend or coach can be really beneficial. Having others join you on this journey can be eye opening and might just blow a little wind in your sails when you need it.

 

Perhaps you’ve read through this blog and decided you don’t feel you need to develop a sense of your personal branding. But here’s the deal. Either you brand yourself, or others will brand you. Whether you like it or not, you’re going to be branded.. When we brand ourselves and know who we are, it helps us to live lives that are wholesome, intentional, resilient, and enthusiastic, both in life and in our work too.

Don’t get paralysed by this question. It is daunting to most until we discover these simple yet hidden truths, after which we might be able to experience just how empowering they can be.

 

Categories
News

Questions For the Resilient – What is my healthy embrace of privilege?

What is my healthy embrace of privilege ?

I think that you could go almost anywhere in the world and find that privilege is an uncomfortable topic. But it can be so transformational if we ponder this question with the right perspective.

There are 4 important things to keep in mind when you approach this topic:

  • Some people have been offered far more opportunity that others
  • Shaming privilege is never helpful, just like shaming lack of privilege is never helpful.
  • It is difficult to speak on behalf of another and one must be careful not to move into a space of stated understanding when we have not experienced the same thing.
  • It is important to ask ourselves: what are you doing with the little, or the much, you have been given?
what is my healthy embrace of privilege?

To understand this question fully, it is important to go back to the building blocks of success. Many of us see successful people and wonder how they made it, and many of us might consider ourselves to be successful people in our own right. And we certainly don’t want to ignore the efforts people have taken in order to be successful, in fact the more people that achieve their goals, the more hope we create for everyone else. 

The most common building blocks found for success are:

  1. Hard work

  2. Utilised talent

  3. Strong networks. Seldom do we achieve alone. Often do we achieve together.

  4. Opportunity

With points 3 & 4 privilege plays a big role, because privilege is often the thing that allows us to meet people and make networks. It also more often than not provides you with opportunity you may not have had without a certain privilege.

South Africa say 20 or so years ago, many of the decision makers made choices definitively based around your gender, race, background of stability, education, sexual orientation, and even religion. You still see this today, but not as potently as then.

So, what do we mean by embracing privilege?

First and foremost, it is important to acknowledge from a place of humility and gratitude the privileges that you have in your life. Not a place of guilt, shame or pride.
Secondly, acknowledge that others have suffered in ways that we cannot understand.
Thirdly where you find yourself in a less opportunistic world, always appreciate and utilise what little you have.

Where you have been given much, ask how you can now positively give from your place of abundance to your family, to the society and to the world beyond? We don’t want to shame privilege, we want to redirect it to good spaces that may even hold the power to change the world. 

Privilege is not only money based. People could be privileged in many various ways. So sharing your privilege could be financially investing into others who have a need, sharing of knowledge, sharing your networks and connections, sharing your time and sharing through your talents that might simply bring joy to another.

Something powerful happens when we share with others the blessings we have. In fact, helping others can create a beautiful and deep sense of purpose. Many of us have much. Many of us have little. What are we going to do with the much and the little that we have in our hands?

.

.

.

.

.
Gabriella Ivey 

Categories
News

Questions For the Resilient – How seasoned is my presence?

How seasoned is my presence?

The presence of giving is one that is seasoned with grace, hope and a forward and upward approach. This is the essence of our question. Are our presences seasoned with goodness and light? Or, are they heavy with taking?
Another way to look at this is to ask, how seasoned are my stories? Because we all tell stories in the way that we show up; with our bosses, our colleagues, even the stranger in the supermarket line. They can read our stories without us having to utter a word.

 

In Rosamund and Benjamin Stone Zanders book The Art of Possibility, they speak of a story which is written on one of the 6 pillars that are standing in the Boston holocaust memorial. In this story, you learn of two little girls living in the oppression of the holocaust, who have become friends. As you read, Gerda Seifer says that once her friend found a single raspberry in the camp. She carried it all day in her pocket. In the evening, eyes shining with happiness, she presented the raspberry to Gerda, on a leaf. Gerda then describes the most beautiful of thoughts:

 

 

Imagine a world in which your entire possession is one raspberry. And you give it to your friend.

This priceless gift demonstrates that even in the middle of the most extreme anguish, one can find hope and people can stand up in the most remarkable of ways. Her friends presence brought a gift. It didn’t take anything away – instead, it added light to the darkest of situations.

How seasoned is my presence?
The seasoned presence tends to move us forward and create motion into open spaces. It can be like fresh oxygen.

 Seasoned presence can build:

–   Accountability: What are you going to bring to   the table here?
–   Perspective
–   A hunger for truth
–   Hope 

 Toxic presence can build:

–   defensiveness or blame
–   A closed off posture
–   continual barrage of complaints without     influence or substance
–   Increased sense of hopelessness 

In the bible Jesus says to his disciples, “ You are the light, you are the salt of the earth”. Both salt and light are used in very positive imagery here. People in that time probably had a richer meaning of salt too. Back then, salt was an agent of preservation, and without it you could not keep meat. It also brings out the textures and flavours of the meat most.

This is also a most accurate example of leadership.

leaders bring out the much-ness of their people. They are the salt that enhances the flavours of their team.There is a strong link from this to the organizational world. You could look at this by asking how seasoned is the work culture. Does our culture bring people together or divide? Does it honour and raise others? Or does everyone feel like it’s survival of the fittest here? 

If we aren’t aware of our presence regularly, it can become toxic very quickly. There are a few signs that appear when a toxic thinking or presence is near:

  • continually going back to an issue, and voicing it like a stuck record over and over
  • Pushing strong opinions on others about something that you don’t have the responsibility or right to do, or without doing real research into the matter.
  • Easily criticizing someone without full insight on the entire situation.

Toxic presences take no thinking and little effort. But seasoned presence takes intentional, conscious efforts. Before you enter a room, decide upon your intentions of what your presence is going to be. We’re not living in a mask of positivity, but rather recognizing that even in hard times we can bring light.
Show up to preserve good will, hope, resourcefulness and authenticity. Just as one little girl showed us, even in the most awful of times one can find and create a raspberry moment.

.

.

.

.

Gabriella Ivey 

Categories
News

Questions for the Resilient – Where might I be catching the incivility bug?

Where might I be catching the bug of incivility?

This question has been inspired by a Ted Talk done with Christine Porath.

Dictionary Definition: Incivility

/ɪnsɪˈvɪlɪti/

noun


  1. rude or unsociable speech or behaviour.

synonyms:

rudeness, discourtesy, discourteousness, impoliteness, lack of politeness; More

antonyms:

politeness, good manners
  • an impolite or offensive comment.

plural noun: incivilities

“he deserved to be put in his place after all the incivilities he’d been hurling at her”

It seems today that in spite of our huge advances in technology, endless forms of communication and organizations who strive to reach their optimal civil stance, the ability to publicly defame people is on the rise. A perfect example of this is from literally the other day: A French waiter was shot due to slow service of delivering a sandwich. 

Wow – so it would appear that intolerance is becoming trigger happy now days. We see it in the news, in politics, religion and in the work place. 

Some examples of incivility are:

– Degrading comments
– Passive aggression
– Blunt aggression
– Intentional negative body language

Incivility seems to increase within us when we are feeling overwhelmed or pressured. We are also told all too often that In order to win, we need to be tough, a hard ass, and a bit of a tool – as if putting others down will actually raise you up. I have seen this so often in the work place, and it is currently very alive and well in my husbands workspace too.

 

Where might I be catching the incivility bug?
This is a BIG problem. Incivility really is like a bug; it’s contagious. And when we are in it’s presence or feel pressured or overwhelmed, we can easily become trapped within its claws.

The best way to overcome incivility is to recognise the costs:

 

– When someone feels disrespected, it lowers engagement.
– It increases mistakes.
– Causes people to leave.
– Performance goes down.
– Defence goes up.
– Energy is sapped.
– It decreases psychological security so that people don’t feel safe to share information or ask for help from others; this is a big one.

For myself, one of my triggers of incivility is a busy mall. It makes me angry. No, crazy. I mostly only visit the mall when I have specific errands and usually, I want to get them done as quickly as possible. So when I’m surrounded by many slow paced people I automatically feel like everyone around me lacks the awareness of how they are zig-zagging across the mall, whilst others are trying to get past them. It boils over within me.
But in honesty, I am the one who is lacking awareness. And I have to tell myself: people don’t usually go to the mall to run a sprint, Gabriella. You’re the one out of place here and in a rush, so just take some deep breaths. 

So the question is...

How can I overcome this situation without becoming uncivil? And how can one learn to stand up for something rightfully without becoming uncivil? The key is to install strategies that are aimed at becoming your auto response towards that kind of behaviour.
Best strategy? Count to 5 before responding, and always make sure you have considered the other persons side and not just your own. 

 

It could do you well to build up on various tools that enable you to live within your values. Why don’t you visit some of our previous podcasts that could get you on the right track? Here’s some that may be useful for this journey: 

 

– Where are my signs of self-deception? 

– Perfection 

– Who do I need to demote? 

– How do I add smiles to my journey?  

 

To clarify – civility doesn’t mean ignoring the wrong doings of others; it means approaching it with respect and equality, adult to adult. The beautiful thing about civility is that is has a tendency to create a feeling of equality, of worth, and respect. It’s in the small acts that have a big impact, such as a smile, a hello, holding the door open for another, letting someone go ahead of you, apologizing instead of having to defend on a small issue.

Let’s become creators today instead of consumers, and discover where we can inject the beauty of civility into our lives.

.

.

.

.

.

– Gabriella Ivey 

Categories
News

Questions for the Resilient – How could I have done that better?

life coaching

As Mike and Mandy mention in Podcast #98, This question is inspired by a recent and true-life experience of theirs, where a desire to voice themselves sparked an argument. I can only think of a hundred odd moments like this in my own life…Voice is probably one of the most empowering tools that human beings have. And when that’s taken away, people are disempowerment.

How could I have done that better?

 And, in those places of learning such as the ones we discussed in our Resilient Nugget podcast last week, it’s important to applaud ourselves for merely showing up to the challenge in the face of hardship. 

Now we can, of course, sit in the puddle of blame and shame – giving our excuses for why we feel we should be there, and wont be able to improve. But doing this will mean that we’ll be sitting in that little puddle instead of learning to dodge them in the future. And that is truly the power of this question: it can move you away from being a victim, to now being a creator of growth; to being a student. 

This question is also so applicable for the work environment.

And yet, often there is resistance from people to engage with this question, because already they feel the conversation is going to go wrong (I suppose it’s like me bringing a banana to a gun fight, huh?).  But we have a voice, and even if we crash in the conversation, can we learn and do it better next time?

How could I have done that better?
To learn is like exercising a muscle – the more you work it, the stronger it becomes and the further you can go.

This question isn’t only true to something you’re not experienced in. It can apply to your niches and talents, too. The process must of course include us applauding our efforts – being judgmental of our failures is only the enemy to growth and one could say that celebration of your efforts is part of the whole formula.

There is a sort of ocean-like motion to this: celebrate, then grow. Celebrate, then grow.

Being aware of our emotions in and after situations is a clue to where you need to apply this question in your life. Whenever a tug of resentment or fear or anxiety may show, it could be a favor to ones self to remember this is a process.

First step: Show up and speak up. 
Second step: Ask yourself, how could I have done this better?


And so, my fellow students of life, may we take this thought into our day and keep it in the pockets of our minds for a time when it might be needed. 




– Gabriella Ivey

Categories
News

How am I intelligent?

Where am I intelligent?

The questioning of our own intelligence is not an unpracticed thing. Situations occur and things are said at some point in our life that prompts us to ask this ominously fearful, incredibly daunting question: AM I INTELLIGENT? 
Intelligence is one of the most widespread scales used to determine the worth of a human being in this world. So when we question it in ourselves, one could say that we are fearfully trying to measure our very worth off. Now perhaps the darkest downfall of a quick conclusion (or should we say assumption?) here is the sense that we’re possibly stupid, based on what we view as intelligence and whether we meet the mark or not.  


I want to highlight the ‘how’ we have put in our title here, as this takes us in a totally different direction. Asking this question by saying, “how am I intelligent?” takes us away from the quick conclusion and instead creates a good problem for us to solve. Rather than questioning if we are intelligent, we are asking, in what way? 

And when we ask it like that, it opens up some positive stances towards this train of thought:

–       Automatically notions that you are intelligent in some way – you just have to discover where! It wipes out the belief that you are completely unintelligent (which isn’t true) and changes how you approach the question.

 

–       Leads us to celebrate diversity and abundance. Because here intelligence is seen as plural rather than singular. There are innumerable ways of describing and defining intelligence and therefore we cannot fairly define it around a specific standard of IQ.

 

–       Moves us in the direction of our strengths. Usually, where our strengths lie is where our intelligence lies too. When we are able to focus on our strengths rather than weaknesses we begin to move into very mature places of understanding ourselves.

–       It is a catalyst for healthy relationships. How much tension is caused by the feeling of stupidity or harsh comparisons? When you come from a place of equality and understanding that our talents are all diverse, it diminishes the very need for comparisons.  

how am I intelligent?

There are so many categories of intelligence that it would be hard to list them all. But below are a few examples of each to hopefully help you understand the grand diversity of them:

–       Academic

 

–       Emotional

 

–       Personality strengths

–       Memory

–       Social

–       Creative
   

–       Spiritual

You see, for every one of these examples one would need to have a strong basis of knowledge, understanding and experience in that field for you to be good at it. In other words – you’d need to have that specific type of intelligence. Do you see where we’re going here? Intelligence can be found everywhere within ourselves! 

 

 

Spend some time asking yourself the question of how you are intelligent and discover your strengths.
It’s a beautiful conversation to have with friends, too, and can open the door for some blooming of self-awareness and growth.

 

Categories
News

What BS needs to be stomped on?

What BS needs to be stomped on?

This question was inspired by a recent family vacation to the Kruger National Park. We had the privilege of seeing some Rhinos. During a sighting, one of our new Rhino friends decided to take a nice big dump. He then proceeded to stomp on it before walking away. I owe it to our Rhino friend to let you know that he inspired this question: What BS needs to be stomped on?

What BS needs to be stomped on?

Many people want to change for the good. But to make real, life shattering, soul-wrenching change, we need more than that. We need a dose of angry passion combined with soberness. YOU, and not someone or something else, are accountable for the change in your own life. 

Maybe we are more attached to mediocrity than we realize, as there is comfort in it. But sitting under the comfy blanket of mediocrity is self-deception, where perhaps we don’t realize our love of compromise. 

“These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough
time passes, it gets so you depend on them…”   

– Red, The Shawshank Redemption.

These are words from Red, a character in the movie The Shawshank Redemption. He is speaking about the prison walls that surround him and yet, this is so applicable to the walls of BS we can build around ourselves. What is first a thing acknowledged to be unhealthy or negative, if left for long enough, can become the very crutch we use for an excuse as to why we aren’t doing the other things expected of us.

 Only once we feel a sense of urgency to change, which usually comes after experiencing the ultimate consequence of NOT changing, can we move on to the stomping of the BS. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely had moments in life where for no seen reason I’ve woken up with a grand revelation of where the BS is lying in my life and how it needs to go. Sometimes, not often though.

Some useful tips for your stomping:

– One thing that I know definitely helps to reveal the BS in our lives is the same thing Café Life bases all our work on: Asking good questions, such as the ones we invite you to ask in our podcasts and blogs. Questions that invite the resolve and require the ponder for you to really DIG DEEP and provoke the honesty that we might need from ourselves.

– Man up to what isn’t helpful or serving you, as harsh as it sounds, and do something about it! Create a ritual that is interlinked into your BS Stomping that can encourage a reverse of the negative thing in your life. For an example, if you need to spend more time with family, designate a where and when for it that you can stick you. 

– Start something new that is helpful, perhaps a hobby, that encourages the new culture/behaviour/doings that you want in your life.

I’m not the kind of person who usually tells others to ‘get angry.’ But in this instance yea, Ill tell you to get angry! I’ll tell you to get real angry. Angry enough to feel the passion surge up inside of you and for you to finally stomp your foot on the ground and say ENOUGH OF MY OWN BS!

Please remember, we aren’t encouraging you to get angry with others or live in a state of anger. But rather, when you feel a revelation about yourself or your life that brings about a bubbling of justified anger and urgency, listen to it. 
When we stomp on our BS, we might actually begin to create the compost we need to have renewed growth. Lovely, isn’t it?

And so, thank you to Mr. Rhino our friend, for stopping right near us and letting us see you squish your stuff, so that we may learn how to squish ours.

Categories
News

What closed door do you need to trust?

What closed door do you need to trust?

This question is, in its truest element, one that can reveal so much if we allow ourselves to ponder on it. I hope that we’ll reveal a bit of it through this blog, but the discovery really is yours to own. And I have a feeling that the more you engage the question, the more you’re going to like it.

So, the question is: what closed door do you need to trust?
This can be a big statement. Especially when the door is a channel to passions, dreams or goals that you’ve relentlessly worked towards. How can you trust a closed door when it closes on something like that? 
Let’s see if we can answer some of your questions. 

One of the books we’ve delved into this year is called Failing Up, by Lesley Odom Jr. Lesley is famous for is role of Aaron Burr in the Hamilton Broadway, which led him to receive a tony awards for best actor. In his book, he tells us how as a young man  he confidently applied to four universities around New York. He believed he had the resume to walk into any one of his choice. And he did have that – a brilliant school record and 3 months Broadway experience in the production Rent. This had always been his dream. And yet, one by one, each door closed. Eventually, he was accepted into a university in Philadelphia. This was not his first choice.  But, it was through this experience that he says the following: 

How beautiful is that?

The closed doors didn’t mean the closing of his dreams. It just meant he had to walk to a different beat than what he expected. I’m sure many of us can share the frustration that he had. Perhaps not in the same situation, but maybe situations like the below:

–  When you have a certain ambition or dream and your health keeps working against you, regardless of         your efforts.

– The customer you’re so sure you’ll get after spending all that time and money on them – and you don’t. 

–  Perhaps it is that CV you send out over and over, trying to break into a particular organisation or field, with no avail. 

What closed door do you need to trust?

As I contemplate this, a couple principles come to mind for me:

  • A healthy stance in life is the recognition that we cannot control outcomes, but we can control today’s actions. As long as I show up and do the good work today, we can trust opportunity to show up.
  • When we sometimes surrender a closed door we probably increase our levels of resilience rather than decrease it. Al Siebert in his book, The Survivor Personalities states, “the best survivors spend almost no time, especially in emergencies, getting upset about what has been lost. For this reason they don’t usually take themselves too seriously and are therefore harder to threaten.”
  • Some things don’t have answers, and maybe should remain unanswered. Our human tendency to always want to find a justification or reason can sometimes lead us into misconception. Sometimes we need to accept that we wont find the answer.

Over time I’ve come to realize that try as we might to knock down all the barriers, every now and then we have to trust the closed doors. I like the “every now and then”, because there are some doors that we are able to bash down, and we need to push through. And then there are some doors that just don’t budge; eventually making you know that it’s not meant to be. You’ve tried, and it’s not happening, and you need to surrender it.

I think if you had to ask just about anybody you admire that has achieved some form of success in life if they had to just trust a closed door, they’d say yes. And if you asked whether there was a door they had to stubbornly bash until it came down, they’d probably say yes too.

 

So, may we move through life by tapping into our inner wisdom, giving ourselves those coffee stop moments so that we can truly ponder this and listening to the quiet voice of intuition in all of us.      

Categories
News

Who are the unknown soldiers?

Who are the unknown soldiers?

This question is definitely a perspective question. It challenges us to notice the value of others who play a part in our intimate worlds. For many of us we possess great conveniences, and the only reason we have them is because of many others around us.

We’ve walked an interesting journey with our blogs and podcasts. We’ve asked many questions revolved around the resolve and growth of our personal selves. But to acknowledge these aspects in another, is truly a powerful revelation.

So, what exactly do we mean by this question?

Here’s some good examples:

  • This evening I might grab a couple things in the kitchen and make some spaghetti bolognaise, let’s say. Do I for any moment consider how easy it is for me to make this meal? And only because I have all of the ingredient’s available to me? There is a whole host of people involved in the making of this product and it's availability. These people are our ‘unknown soldiers’.

  • A lover of theatre would know how much work goes into a theatrical performance. However it is so easy to forget as we sit and enjoy the genius of the show, exactly how much work has gone on in the background. Work done by all these unknown soldiers, that ensure the theatre provides the clean, functioning, well choreographed show that we all get to delight in.
who are the unknown soldiers?
A tiny task can have a huge effect on the final outcome.

here’s a fun exercise. The next time you’re on a plane, take a moment to think on how many people would be involved in the running of this plane. The people making sure this flight leaves safely and promptly and arrives successfully at it’s destination. There are so many unknown soldiers involved!

 

We have moved out of the generation who knows their local baker by name – far too many people are involved in everything. It makes us more prone to forgetting all the people and their time and effort they put into making this available for us.

There's a primary principle here:

 Whatever convenience, success and achievement you and I have, is probably thanks to the host of unknown soldiers that made that possible. And if we were to reflect on this and possibly express a sense of gratitude, it might just readjust our perception a little.    

We are all perhaps prone to over looking the unknown soldiers involved in our lives. It’s so easy to feel that it all revolves around our actions and us, because this is our predominant point of view for everything. When we begin to appreciate the unknown soldiers we begin to apply an antidote towards our selfishness.

There is a term called Responsibility Bias, which refers to when someone is too close to their own sacrifices and fails to notice the sacrifices of another.

Perhaps we could find some time to tribute towards the acknowledgement of our unknown soldiers, and the beautiful notion: I am able to be great, because you have played a part. 

 

Gratitude is powerful. 

Categories
News

What’s stopping me …?

What's stopping me?

Intentionally putting a “…” after this question to show that some deep thought is required here. Chances are that at some point in our life, most of us have a dream, project or passion that we haven’t gone for. I could write an entire book on the amount of things I’ve wished to do that I have not yet done.
And on the contrary, most of us have also experienced in our lives that unstoppable motion where confidence and momentum join together, possibly with a sense of belief, and propel you forward at an unbelievable speed – here, it doesn’t matter what comes your way. Somehow you just transcend it. 

 

Now the danger of this question is that one might think this is the way you should be at every given moment – nothing should be able to stop you or get in your way. But there are valid, environmental issues that could stop us. 

For an example:   

–  Time is finite. It doesn’t matter how much you feel unstoppable you can only do so much in a day.

– Money can also be restricting, as it is not a resource that is endlessly available.

– No opportunity presented is also a factor, or the opportunity that is dependent on another’s decision.

It’s important to remember these things, so that we don’t beat ourselves up every time our plans are halted by exterior and unexpected situations. We gotta give a little grace to ourselves.

 

 

BUT – a lot of the time the thing that is stopping us is not the external environment, but actually our internal condition.

I believe there is 2 root causes of our internal halting; and often they intertwine:

  • FEAR - fear is paralysing. It stops us from boldly moving forward and often it has a lot to do with the way we want people to see us. How many things would we have done if we weren’t afraid?

  • PRIDE – pride is different to fear but very related. It usually appears when you feel you need to protect your identity , ego or reputation, and therefore you fail to move into new and fresh spaces. It can also appear when one feels they are not the person who should be handling that specific matter..

Marianne Williamson mightily says, “Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. ….” 

What's stopping me?

When you find yourself feeling paralysed when you wish to feel momentum, you could ask yourself:

– what is the consequence of doing nothing here?
– what meaning am I giving this that it does not deserve?
– where do I need understanding?
– what do I need to know here?
– how do I make this playful? 

The way through so much of our fear and pride is by asking good questions like these. 

I love to use mantras to remind myself not to be halted because of fear or pride. If I am feeling fearful, I say something along the lines of, “You are capable of this … you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” If i am feeling prideful, I say, “All of us are a part of this great universe. We are all equal beings” 

 

We want to be unstoppable. We want to be confident. We want to have momentum. This is a beautiful place to be in; we can’t have it in every area of our life but we must choose where it is most needed and focus on this. 



In the end, it’s really just about stepping up, looking these two horrible cousins in the eyes, and pushing back…    

Categories
News

Where is my need for an ‘idea midwife’?

where do I need an idea midwife?

For those of you who’ve had the privilege (and pain) of giving birth, you know how important it is to have a midwife by your side.
Someone to encourage you, guide you and give you support in reminding you to breathe and push.  

In this same way, ideas are birthed – there is much excitement and joy; there is also often pain, frustration, and need of support.  Here, my friends, is where we call for the “idea midwife”. Yes, the Idea Midwife would be by your side, guiding you, giving you advice and shining light on matters that need most attention.

The most beautiful and important aspect to this type of aid is that your Idea Midwife can be there for you – but they cannot do it for you.

1. Sometimes we might get so passionate about the idea that we forget to assess it properly. This is where your Idea Midwife might say, lets gain some perspective here.

 

2. And sometimes we get idea doubt, or can’t push the idea past that line towards the next level and there, the Idea Midwife might say, well what’s the next step?

 

3. When reading the below quote, I’m sure many of you immediately thought: this sounds just like childbirth! Indeed, the process is full of mess and agony. But here again, the Idea Midwife comes along to guide you. They say, don’t be a martyr in this – I’m here for you and you can do this.

where is my need for an idea midwife
The ability to create is truly our most beautiful gift of all; it is the ability to bring to life that which was not before in existence.

So who makes good Idea Midwives, and who makes bad ones?

Interestingly, bad Idea Midwives could be the very people you may initially be thinking of to appoint with this elite title. But hear me out on my points – they may give you a couple reasons to re-evaluate. 

Often, a bad idea could be managers –By nature a manager looks at the cost of failure instead of the value of achievement. This is their job – but it may not be an appropriate perspective for an Idea Midwife.

Equally so, somebody too close to you could be a negative choice. Automatically this person may focus on the impact of the idea – and the risk of the impact. They could say, what is the impact of this idea for me if this doesn’t work?

 

your best idea midwives ...

Have breadth and depth of knowledge in the field you are working in, and can give sound advice based on reasoned judgment and not just hunches. 
They would need to be somebody you trust to be very honest, that isn’t in your immediate living or working space; someone that would freely tell you whether more work or thought is needed, or whether you need to act. 

Having an Idea Midwife can transform your idea process. 

Yes, it will pose opportunities for you to stretch – you will find yourself in a place where you’ll have to be vulnerable, open to advice and another’s insight on your dream – but this is good. Any opportunity for growth in ones self and perspective, is always good.
And, it also means that you have something priceless: someone to support you when you fall, pass on great knowledge and be a second conscience in hard times.

If you ask me, I think we need more of those kinds of people in today’s world. We need them in the workplace more than ever, in creative spaces, and in our youth.

I want you to ask yourself how much more you could achieve, how many of your dormant ideas could be brought to life and take flight to unbelievable heights, if only you had another standing next to you and blowing a little wind beneath those wings? 

Categories
News

Whose dance have you joined?

whose dance have you joined?


A few months ago on our podcast #24, we spoke about the question “What good movement are you creating”, which we also discuss in our book – How The Question Changes Everything. In this question we talk about how this world provides us with a lot of opportunity to start something. Some good movement or dance, per say, that has positive consequences on the world around us. 

Our question this week is not far off from that and yet, it is observing the other side of this great and complex ponder: learning how to follow the dance.

A while ago I came across a video clip of this guy dancing on a hill, having a good time, clearly carefree. He was using large, flamboyant movements. Almost completely silly and quite humorous.

Soon a second guy joins him and you hear a commentator quite brilliantly say, “Here comes the first follower … the first follower transformed the lone nut into a leader.”  
Up until now, that guy was simply a ‘lone nut’. But as soon as another joined him, a movement was created. In less than 3 minutes, over 100 people had joined their dance.

The principle being brought forward in this clip is so beautiful: Sometimes we don't need to start the dance, we need to join the dance.

There are some contemplative truths bound to this insight:

1. Sometimes we need to be geniuses, and sometimes we need to be genius makers.

There is so much weight revolved around being a good leader – and not nearly enough around being a good follower. 
Take a job interview, for example. Have you ever been asked if you know how to follow? Now we don’t want to be following blindly like sheep – of course not. But following something you believe in – that is powerful.

 

2. We have more influence than we realise – when we follow someone we create a ripple effect and others might decide to follow as well.

As Malcolm Gladwell discusses in his book Tipping Point, if you take a really good idea, trend, or movement, it only becomes successful because enough people join it. Do you realise how much influence you have in joining something good? You could become a part of a brilliant and world changing epidemic.


3. We don’t have to be the main person or ‘big shot’ in every thing we do 

This question challenges us to focus on principles of humility, abundance, community and support – and not on you being the main guy.  Now sometimes, maybe I am the main guy and I need others to join my dance. And yet many times it is I that needs to join another’s dance, where one is not worried about who gets the credit, but more about the movement itself. As Harry S Truman says, 

"It's amazing what you can accomplish if you don't care who is getting the credit."

 

Where is the dance you need to join?
Who’s dance do you need to join?
Where do you need to devote time, energy or resources to a beautiful dance that you want to be a part of?
           

It can be a most freeing thing to join somebody who’s already doing something great. Joining others in their dance can bring about great joy, relief and freedom as we say to ourselves,  we don’t need to start something new here – we just need to add to that which is already created.

 

 

– Gabriella Ivey

Categories
News Uncategorised

Where do we need some Implementation Intentions?

Where do we need implementation intentions?

This question is transformational in the fact that it is so much about achievement.

I’m sure there are many reasons one can think of that distinguish those who achieve their goals from those who don’t. A most common factor however could be that some people follow through with their intentions, whereas others don’t. 
So what is the difference between these groups? Well, some implement a system to achieve their goals.

The word Implementation Intentions comes from James Clears book Atomic Habits. It is a particularly wonderful phrase because both those words are powerful in their own right. 

 

Where do we need implementation intentions
Intentions are things we all have. But when we implement a routine that declares our intention, we might find that we are more likely to follow through with them.

Examples of some broader life intentions could be:

  • whatever I do, my intention is love
  • I intend to approach life with curiosity
  • I intend to care for my health
  • I intend to form lasting friendships

Example of more specific life intentions could be:

  • I intend to stay in touch with my family weekly
  • I intend to learn a new language
  • I intend to travel to a new country
  • I intend to save some money each month

Whilst intentions are so needed, sometimes we set them but then lack what we call the Implementation of them. 

We all know the frustration that can come from intentions that don’t render actions, and this is the  danger – that we might end up not doing anything.
If there isn’t a strategy, we don’t know exactly how we’re going to attempt it. 

James Clear speaks in his book Atomic Habits about research done on three groups, in attempt to increase their regular exercises: 
In the study, Group 1 were simply told to go exercise regularly. 
Group 2 received motivational information and health information before hand. 
Group 3 were told to implement a schedule of where, when and how they will do it. 


Group 3 was way ahead. 90% of the group exercised by the end of the time frame.
What’s most interesting is that there was only a small difference between group 1 & 2, both gaining a success ratio of only 30%.

The huge difference was in the simple making of a schedule.  

Motivation is great, but it might only last a moment. We all want to live healthily, for example, but how many of us are still doing things that we know isn’t good for our health?

James Clear provides a formula in his book for Implementation Intention:

I will: (Behaviour)
At/On: (Where/what day)
When: (Time)

An example could be: I will write a page of my book, on Friday, at 2pm.

We might not get it right every time. But the chances are increased drastically. 

So often, for reasons unbeknown to us, some things simply remain as good intentions. And for most of us, deep inside we really do want to fulfill that intention. Because the implementation intention is so simple, it creates a powerful attribute towards us achieving our goals: momentum.
When we show up on day one, we’re more likely to show up on day 2.
That is the power of implementation intention: it creates forward movement. 

 

This question has good news and bad news.
The good news is that most of us are really authentic with our intentions and really do desire to fulfill them.
The bad news is that without the strategy, the step that moves us forwards, we likely won’t achieve it.
More good news however, is that if you create the implementation intention and apply the formula to your life, you may just find yourself achieving things you thought out of your comfort zone entirely.

May you enjoy brewing on this very good question, and may you move into the direction of your dreams, desires and intentions.


Gabriella Leigh Ivey 

Categories
News Uncategorised

What are my triggers of mediocrity?

It is important to remember that the question we choose to discuss is the question we invite you to ask yourself.
It may sound like a bit of a negative question, and a bit like I’m assuming that you’ve got triggers that lean you towards mediocrity. But the truth is, all of us are tempted daily towards a more mediocre way of living where we might choose the ordinary, or the comfort, over the stretching. 

The danger with this is that we may find that through choosing the easier path or option, we end up doing things that don’t align or connect with our inner intentions. 

There are two principles associated to this: 

1.  Firstly, most of us have predictors on our behaviour. So if certain things happen we can almost assume or predict how we are going to respond.




2. Secondly, a well-known conclusion is that          our beliefs drive our behaviours. However, the        external environment can also drive our                    behaviour. As much as I’d love to think I control       my life fully, if I’m placed in certain external             conditions, you might find the environment             starts to trigger a different response from me    

James Clear in his book Atomic Habits uses a most interesting finding from the Vietnam War to start a similar discussion to this.

In 1971, research was done on the soldiers, which revealed a frightening discovery: over 15% of US soldiers were addicted to heroin. The finding caused those to search further. And to much surprise, they found that once the soldiers who were heroin addicts returned home, only 5% of them returned to the habit. Meaning, 9 out of 10 of them were able to eliminate the addiction literally overnight. 

I think it is fair to say that this study supports the ethos of , to change your behaviour, change your environment.

There are some more relatable examples too:

– I’m more likely to drink water if water is more accessible and visible around me.

– I’m more likely to be positive if people all around me are positive or smiling.

– I’m more likely to think of good ideas if around me I have the open spaces and light and ease.

– I’m more likely to find healing in the presence of whole people than broken people. 

There is an interesting scripture in the New Testament says, if your right hand sins cut it off. It sounds so violent and extreme but yet if you get to the roots of it you may find it is connecting us to the roots of what we are speaking of here: remove yourself from your triggers that cause a behaviour which does not align with your inner intentions. 

In any challenging situation, we have 3 responses. Either we can:  

  • Leave
  • Stay and accept the situation, and choose to just put up with it
  • Stay, and decide to do something about it asking, what can I change to improve this?

The choice here, is ours. 

Side note here: leaving doesn’t have to necessarily mean you should quit or drastically abort something. It can mean to leave an idea, decision, action, town, friend circle, or whatever specific environment you feel is causing a reaction.   

 

where are my triggers of mediocrity?
CHOOSING TO BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR OUR ACTIONS AND TO OBSERVE THESE THINGS IN OUR LIFE CAN BRING ABOUT GREAT REVELATIONS.

There are two ways we can go about rectifying mediocrity that we observe, as leaders in the workplace or personal life: 
We can encourage people to behave differently – to raise their game and engage with the resolve. 
OR    
Try identifying the triggers and the causes. There is always a reason why we act the way we do. 

We should practice asking ourselves, what triggers can you create to induce the desired outcome? 

An example of this in the office could be creating spaces where people can have good conversation (perhaps a nice coffee area?) or leaving notepads and pens out for ideas, or to have a small library, all of which could encourage creativity and contradict mediocrity. 

THINK of something in your life that you’re unhappy with; somewhere where you behave in a way that’s not aligned to who you are as a person. Then ask, what are the potential triggers that could have caused you to behave in this way that’s not true to who you are?
When we find the triggers, we are able to more practically do things to address it and find a way to move forward. 

The answers to good questions are transformational. Take time to brew this question and ask if you can apply it to yourself. 

 

And lastly, find more time in your week to just be, so your not always just doing. 


– Gabriella Ivey 

Categories
News

Where are my signs of self-deception?

where are my signs of self-deception?


Here’s another one of our knee-jerking questions to really get you thinking. I know for myself, my initial reaction to a question like this would be a quick skim over my mind, probably resulting in an apparent green light with no self-deception found.
But, the reality is that for each of us right here right now, wherever we are, we are probably being self-deceived in some area of our life. 

Perhaps a gentler word to use would be one of blind spots.
Self-deception, or blind spots, ultimately happen because we aren’t able to see situations through everyone’s eyes, so our first viewpoint of everything is through our eyes, from our side. 

  • we’ve all been brought up in a certain context that has taught us certain things about life. Born in another context, you’d have a different viewpoint. It can be quite difficult to see things from another context, so what we might do in life is often find supportive evidence for our own context instead of trying to see another.
  • I often judge my own life based on my intentions, but judge everyone else’s life on their actions. In this instance we expect grace to be applied to us, assuming everyone should know our intentions and viewpoint. But when applied to others, the mindset is to judge them by their actions.


    By doing this, we’re not applying the same measure, which can cause blind spots.
where are my signs of self-deception?
IN THESE BLIND SPOTS, MY OWN VIRTUES ARE OFTEN INFLATED, WHILE OTHERS FAULTS ARE AMPLIFIED.

The Arbinger Institute defines self-deception, as “the state of not knowing and resisting that there is a problem, while one may be the problem itself.”

In their brilliant book titled Leadership and Self Deception, they provide a great example by taking us back 200 odd years ago.

Self-deception may materialise itself like this:

What are some steps to take to lessen self-deception?

  • Look out for patterns that take place in your life. If you find, for example, that no matter which job you’re in your boss always thinks you’re too competitive, perhaps it is not them misunderstanding you – perhaps it is you misunderstanding your persona.
  • See other people as a mirror of yourself. Empathy is about seeing a reflection of you in others. Saying, yes I too make these mistakes. When you see someone at fault or make a mistake, as yourself, does this in any way mirror myself?
  • Learn to serve people, not because you have to or want recognition but because it’s who you are. By doing this, you place importance on others and not on yourself and open up your viewpoint by seeing things through their eyes.
  • If you don’t live by your values you have to start justifying why you aren’t, which often leads to you magnifying somebody else’s faults.
  • Be curious and ask good questions. People who are curious are less likely to fall into traps of self-deception, as they are continuously asking questions
  • Be vulnerable. Vulnerable people are open and humble themselves towards others as well as open themselves towards the possibility that they might not be right; and that is okay. practice saying things like, Im sorry, I was wrong, I don't understand, or I too am scared.
  • Make everyone your teacher. We are more likely to be open towards their views and experiences.Remember, we can learn something from everyone.
  • Be accountable; because you are taking ownership for your life, you are less likely to be blind spotted.

 

 

I love the Window & Mirror principle from Jim Collins book, Good to Great: here leaders are encouraged to acknowledge others when things are going well and to look in the mirror when things are going wrong. 

Where are my signs of self-deception?

Encourage dialogue in your work place. Dialogue is the free flow of conversation, where we allow everyone to speak up. Dialogue is where we’re actually okay with the descending voice, because this voice may open up revelations.
Organisations that create the space for people to talk are less likely to walk in the way of self-deception. 

Don’t walk away from this blog feeling self-condemned. As I said, self-deception is in all of us and we all fall victim to it – that’s okay. Rather, use this as a starting point in actively engaging with your personality and asking some juicy questions that could reveal to you in which areas you’ve been living with blind spots.

I hope this blog has been as revelational for you, as it has for me. 

Categories
News

From Doing To Seeing: Why Observance Matters

The Power of Delegation in Effective Leadership and Business Scaling

From Doing To Seeing: Why Observation Matters

Sometimes life (and work) feels a bit like a game. For some of us, it’s a game of rugby. We live life all in, wrestling with our challenges head on, unafraid of a little dirt. For others, it’s like a board game. Each move thought out and carefully made. And yet still for others, it might be like a game of stuck in the mud. Only making a move when life really forces us to. Although these feel like vast comparisons, every game has something in common:  to make a good move, you first need to observe. And sometimes this observance is best done from the sideline.  

The Power of Observation

Let’s return to the analogy of a game. In his book Leading, Alex Ferguson says “When I stepped back and watched from the sidelines, my field of view was widened and I could absorb the whole session, as well as pick up on players moods, energies and habits.”

We don’t want to remain on the sideline of our own life. By taking moments to step back and view things from a birds eye view brings the kind of perspective that we can’t find when our head is buried deep in the ‘doing’ of life. A simple return to the bench, every now and then, provides the mental space to explore undiscovered ideas, understandings, and opinions. 

Simple PRactices to create perspective

Here’s a few practices to help you create perspective taking:

 

Breaking down tense conversations: So often, for people to hear our side we must first actively show them we hear theirs. When you’re preparing for a tough conversation, whether it be with a colleague or loved one, ask yourself first:

– What is your core desire or frustration that is fueling this conflict? What might be theirs? 
– Where might your opinions or beliefs not be fully supported by facts?
– Think of somebody you consider wise. What advice would they give you? 
– Ask “what if” questions to discover win-win solutions. Ask as many as you can think of! 

Gratitude journalling with a twist: Instead of focusing solely on what you’re grateful for, give it a perspective shake. Write down a challenge you faced and your gratitude for the people or resources that helped you overcome it. 

 

Be your own challenger: We can become fixed in our ways, beliefs and opinions. Challenge yourself: ask the tough questions. Become your own opposition, and discover areas worth more exploration. 

 

The “Why?” Chain: this is a great technique for coming up with new ideas and understanding differing opinions. When considering a system or opinion, instead of jumping to a conclusion start by asking “why?” Listen attentively to every answer, and keep asking “why?” until you can’t anymore. This helps you understand the thought process and fundamental nature of the topic at hand. 

 

where do I need more symphony; more sideline observance?
By taking a step back, we can actually empower the doing.

In his book A Whole New Mind, Dan Pink talks about symphony in a way that strongly reminds us of the notion of stepping back to connect the dots to a bigger picture. He says, “Symphony is the capacity to see relationships between seemingly unrelated fields; to detect broad patterns rather than deliver specific answers, and to invent something new by combining elements nobody else thought to pair.” 

 

If we take a page from his book and apply it to life, the playing field suddenly expands. There are resources, ideas, questions, answers, and experiences waiting to be noticed, to be engaged, to be seen. We are never stuck; but we might need to take a trip to the bench on the sideline every now and then. 

The stands are a place to go to notice people and develop relationships. In CAFE Life’s book – Playfully Engaged, we talk about this.
When we stand back and notice people, we are able to build trust, or even just create valuable insights into our lives about the space that others are in.

Think about it as a manager in a team. Do we go to the stands and ask, what are our customers saying? Or do we frantically go at it in the same way over and over again without good insight?

Where do you, me, the team, etc. need to go to the stands to gain a broader perspective? 

Learning the TEAMS lesson
Categories
News

Coffee Stop Moments

This past week I joined Michael for our KZN Coffee Stop Moments, which was a great success. This was my first Coffee Stop Moment ‘apprenticeship’ since joining the company this year, so I was eager to lap the information.

I wouldn’t be able to cover everything we spoke about in one blog post, so you’re just going to have to join us for the next one if you’d like the full experience, but here’s a taster:

Introducing the P‘s :

 

 

If you look closely you’ll see that the words
are divided into 2 columns. The left column has words with more of a ‘just do it’ kind of behaviour, while the right seems to be way more of a pause and ponder.    

 

 

Coffee Stop Moments

One word mentioned here in particular tends to have a negative connotation: procrastination. Which is interesting, because if we delve a little deeper we may find some hidden treasures. . . 

In his book Originals, Adam Grant says, “Procrastination may be the enemy of productivity, but it can be a resource for creativity.”     

With this in mind, perhaps we can say that procrastination is then an enemy to the task that is structured and straightforward. But, when it comes to a problem solving or creative task, procrastination can be our friend.

So, could this be true?

Well, let’s ask Google. Literally, the Google company has a rule called “20% Time”, which allows their employees to spend 20% of their work time being in a creative and relaxed space.

As a result they’ve brought you Google News, Gmail and AdSense.
I think it worked.

Coffee Stop Moments

Adam Grant also cites another study that was done by Jihae Shin with students, which supports this hypothesis.     

Grant wrote about the study saying,

“It was only when they first learned about the task and then put it off that they considered more novel ideas. It turned out that procrastination encouraged divergent thinking.”

IMPORTANT: Procrastination will always need time management so that we can stay efficient in what we do.

We don’t need to aim to achieve things in lump quantities in order to be successful with it. 
There is a belief that says marginal gains in a wide range of areas can result in greater success. 

So, what if we could put even 5% of our time towards a space of pausing and pondering? 

 

Coffee Stop Moments

Looking at the image above, we can see the importance of being able to shift between the mindfulness and creative mindsets. I’m sure most of us draw the conclusion that we would rather aim to avoid the frustrated and mindless spaces. 

So, next time you find yourself sitting at a coffee shop, sipping on a good cappuccino, drop a thought into your mind; perhaps it could be, “Who do I want to be in pursuit of my goals?”

Then, let the thought slip away as you sip away, watching the people around you living life, feeling a deep breath gather in your chest and the ponder enter your mind. 

 

– Gabriella Ivey 

Get in touch with Cafe Life 

                                    Say hi and stay tuned to our daily updates. Visit us at:

Categories
News

Where do I need to fall in love with boredom?


Nobody likes boredom, and nobody likes the initial implication that we need to fall in love with it. I am sure you’re all thinking, uh excuse me, aren’t we supposed to be ATTRACTED to the things we fall in love with? Boredom, I am sure, is not attractive to many at all.

But there is a very powerful underlying message here: 

We are more likely to become masters at something in life if we can achieve the love of boredom.

The truth is, boring times are always to be expected, regardless of what you choose to do in life. 

Passion is a great word. But perhaps an even more powerful word is ‘tenacity’, which implies showing up even when many would turn away. 

If we listen to Machiavelli, we realise that it doesn’t matter who you are, whether you do well or not, we tend to view the grass greener on the other side of change; this kind of thinking may restrain our capability to love what we are doing right now. 

There are advantages to falling in love with boredom:

  • Boredom can allow us to notice the things currently in our presence, which are currently good.
  • Boredom is sometimes a place of healing; think of when you are ill, or injured. One must become comfortable with a pause in the action, in order to strengthen.
  • To become a master, one must first master the basic skills of something. This often means revisiting very basic tools over and over again, which might mean paying boredom a visit.
  • Firstly, become companionable with boredom, knowing that deliberate practice will move you to the place of mastery and away from the desire to give up.
  • Secondly, we must become endlessly fascinated and seek to create manageable formulas to get through our journey. Delve into the question of, how can I do this differently to create growth?

A comforting thought to remember on those days when you don’t feel like being boredoms lover, is that it really is normal for things to lose their passion or spark – everything does for a period of time. Every person, no matter how successful, can resonate with this. But we must push on, knowing the passion returns with growth.      

proverb

There is a beautiful Chinese proverb that is based around the work of a rice farmer. It says,  “no one who can rise before dawn 360 days a year fails to make his family rich”.
This proverb sums up the pricelessness of tenacity in the face of trial and monotonous work. Through pushing on and continuing to do a practice with intentional actions, we shall come to reap its rewards.

What do you need to get comfortable being bored in? 
Is it possible that this is a factor that separates the masters from those who simply achieve? 


– Gabriella Ivey 

Get in touch with Cafe Life 

Say hi and stay tuned to our daily updates. Visit us at: 

Categories
News

How Do You Add Smiles To Your Journey?

About a year ago we played this game where we tried to add smiles to our journey through the day. During our game, we tried our best to bring a smile to the face of a somewhat disgruntled waitress. To be honest, we didn’t get it right. But it became a very interesting exercise.

Sure,  there are times where we need to call someone out for their behaviour, attitude, or poor service.  But very often in our daily life, we come across somebody who has a disheartened energy who’s story we do not know. In these cases, I’ve seen something as small as a warm smile and lighthearted comment have the potential to change their day. 

Two thoughts for adding smiles to your journey

  1. It’s always better when people are fighting for us rather than against us. More often than we realize, that person just needs to feel supported during their tough season or bad day. I’m sure we can all relate to this, and would agree that having someone back us up helps to shed that weight.
  2.  In Ben and Ros Zander’s Book The Art Of Possibility, they talk about Rule 6, which ultimately says, “don’t take yourself so seriously.” Whenever possible, taking something that feels heavier than necessary and adding some lightness to it can be like a breath of fresh air – if it’s done maturely. This can start by simply asking, “What can I do that despite their sadness, may show this person that the world is a good place?”

Who needs you to add a smile to their journey?

The intention is very important; the desire should be to demonstrate from a place of love that there’s something worth smiling about.

I heard a story about a young lady who had just had a baby. She had developed bell’s palsy, which caused paralysis in her face. She said it was the saddest thing for her to hold her new born and feel so happy, yet not be able to express it through a smile.  

How valuable our smile is. And how we take it for granted! Do you know that on average an adult smiles 20 times a day, but a child smiles 400 times a day? 

Research suggests that smiling actually releases endorphins. 

So, if you want to add vitality and vibrancy to life you should ask yourself: am I smiling? Or am I unaware of the many moments in my day that deserve joyful expression?

And the next question is: can you get a smile out of another person?

Expressing joy is powerful. Positivity in the face of challenge is powerful. And sharing your light through warmth towards others, is a part of changing this world. 

– Gabriella Ivey

Get in touch with Café Life

We love to hear the thoughts of our readers and would be eager to engage with you.

 

Visit us at @ www.cafelife.co.za
Stay tuned to our daily updates on Instagram by following us @ café.life.sa

Categories
News

What “should” should shed?

‘Should’ is not often a word that conjures positive images or gets one inspired. It is more one of duty, related to things we feel we haveto do, not wantto do.

I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to be living a life solely made up of ‘SHOULD’, without any passion or inspiration. Now hang on, before you throw your papers on the ground and declare to your boss that he’s forcing you to live a life of monotony – There are certainly some ‘shoulds’ that we need in our lives, that play vital roles in the wellbeing of yourself and others around you. Some examples of these SHOULDS are:

– We SHOULD all help those less fortunate than us. This is a duty to our community.
– We SHOULD take care of our bodies, eat well, and exercise to achieve an optimal, healthy life.

– We SHOULD make sure that we are committed to providing stability and future for our family.

For some of us, our ‘shoulds’ are different to others. For example, your friend may love going to the gym. However for you, only after you’ve finished your series of sweaty, pain staking squat jumps can you feel some sense of satisfaction – you do it because you should, to maintain a healthy lifestyle.I’m sure we can all agree that there are some good duties in life that we should continue.

But then, there are so many things we do just because we feel obliged to. This is when we need to ask ourselves: how helpful is that ‘should’ to us, or to others? If it isn’t helpful, that ‘should’, should be shed!

How about the pressures of these SHOULDS:

– Woman SHOULD wear makeup in order to be beautiful. You, naturally, aren’t enough.
– Men SHOULD appear strong, even if it means holding back emotion that needs to be expressed.

– You SHOULD stay in that company because of the pay. Never mind the dream you want to chase.

Most of the time, these ‘shoulds’ are driven by two sources: Fear and Pride. Have a look at those points mentioned above and see if you can apply fear or pride to the source of those ‘shoulds’.

Some healthy ways we can push back on the ‘shoulds’:

Create awareness – If the ‘should’is something you need to continue, replace those words with “I get to” or “I want to”. Here, we transform the emotion connected to this duty into gratefulness: “Woo-Hoo! I get to go to work and provide for my family’s future!”

Question the ‘should’ itself – Is there another way of doing this? Or, should I stop doing this completely? There is something powerful in pushing back on the right ‘shoulds’ and choosing where you give your energy and passion.

The honest truth is that nobody can tell you which ‘should’ you need to shed; you need to answer that question for yourself. Start by creating awareness around them – then unwrap them, inspect them, and be bold enough to answer yourself truthfully.

Gabby Ivey

Get in touch with Café Life
We are proud to announce the launching of our new website which you can visit @ www.cafelife.co.za
Stay tuned to our daily updates on Instagram by following us @ café.life.sa